HH, I would not play his game anymore if I were you.

HTH:

You need to work with Mel on this.

Your H wants to be evil to you.

He now has the hammer to do it.

It could have been that you didn't clean the bathrooms properly.

But he has the EA to beat you with now.

Lucky him.

You need to change the dynamic.

It won't happen overnight. Accept that.

But start developing a plan, and execute it.

We can help with developing the plan.

Give us some info on your M:

How long was the courtship?
Married how long?
Kids? And his reaction to them?
Financial issues in the home?
How was the SF early in the R? Around the time of the burth of your children? Afterwards?
How was the communications between you and him? Early, middle and later in your R?
Your post earlier about your HS experiences with suiters keeping you off balance in the R was troubling.
What was your growing up years like? Divorce, Affairs or alcholism in your Family? Your Husbands?

We can help you start to change your M dynamics, but it will take some time, and you will start to see results.

And you just might end up divorcing your H afterwards. But it will be because he was unwilling to do the things to change the enviornment of your M to one that is strong, caring and loving. Not because YOU didn't try to change that enviornment.

It's a long process, but one you can do, Are you ready?

LG

actually changing overnight is exactly how this needs to change.
you should make it very clear to your H that he will NEVER speak to you or treat you in an abusive fashion..if he does...you walk...and make that a VERY CLEAR BOUNDARY.

NEVER....NOT ONE MORE TIME SHOULD YOU SIT STILL FOR ABUSE.

When it comes to abuse do NOT settle for a long process.

LG- Ready? I don't know. I know I would much prefer to have a good marriage with BH, as I do love him. To answer your questions:

How long was the courtship? not even a year

Married how long? 7 years

Kids? And his reaction to them? 1 4 year old, planned and loved

Financial issues in the home? Yes I was laid off, now working again, but I am main breadwinner

How was the SF early in the R? Around the time of the burth of your children? Afterwards? SF early early good, then BH wanted something exclusively that I didnt' want, I gave in, then he didn't want it so often so it ended up working. Around birth, okay- after, okay, except for the now punishing aspect of it. He never used to require that I stay up til (usually) at least 1 AM... He has ALWAYS wanted lots more SF, even before being preggers.

How was the communications between you and him? Early, middle and later in your R? I want to communicate, he wants me to be quiet and let him stuff his issues down. Now he just wants me to be quiet, not talk about R stuff. He also comes home and demands things be done differently around the house...

What was your growing up years like? Divorce, Affairs or alcholism in your Family? Your Husbands? My growing up years great, mom and dad married long time (died several years ago), no affairs, no alcoholism. My BH's parents are also both gone, but they were married a long time too (I never met them), no alchoholism in his family either- neither of us drink at all.

My BH is older than me by 15 years, I am 29 he just turned 44, we were both previously married, I was divorced no kids, he is divorced 2 kids, exwife lives 2 states away so we rarely see the kids.WE met after both divorces final, no affair between the two of us.

MelodyLane, so if I don't play his game and he divorces me, I guess that is for the good?

MEDC- he won't care if I walk. SO if I have that as a boundary right now, I guess it's the big D for me

Maybe...maybe not. IF you walk you might find that his facade was paper thin. If not...and he really lets you walk...what have you lost??? A disrespectful, abusive husband...

IF that is NOT your boundary right now then you are teaching him it is okay to disrespect you.

yep!

Easier said than done!!!!! I mean, he's not all bad and some of this is my fault.

Everything is easier said than done. If it is not that bad, then accept it and move on.

howtoheal...you are responsible for everything that happens to you from this point forward....and NOT because of your affair...but because you are willing to be a party to his abuse. If he treats you like a whoree...are you prepared to grin and bear it...if he degrades you, will you welcome it??? Without proper boundaries, that is exactly what you are doing.
So, let me ask you...when his current degarding of you stops being enough to punish you...what's next? Having you do his friends? Another woman? Posting pictures of you on the internet.
It IS all bad. You are just choosing to make excuses for him.

HTH:

Thanks for the responses.

MEDC is correct that you do not need to stay in an abusive relationship.

But you have had problems in setting boundaries and enforcing them, and H doesn't respect tham anyway.

You can walk at any time. Stops the madness.

If you want to save this thing, then it will take time, and you need to have a plan, and you need to be consistent, and respect your boundaries and enforce your boundaries with H.

The most telling line in your answers to my question, was this:


Your H has a serious self-esteem issue.

He isn't the main breadwinner.
You had fallen into an EA
He is older by 14 years.
He is divorced and his Ex-W and kids don't have much to do with him, and he's probably paying child support.

And he FINALLY has something on you to elevate his status, at least in his own mind, above yours.

And he wants to make sure you stay in your place.

VERY difficult dynamics there.

It seems that your ONLY choice is to walk, bear it, or change it.

Bearing it isn't healthy, for you, or for your child in the long run.

You can walk, but that has a host of disadvantages, although less disadvantages then bearing it.

Or Change it.

Agreeing with him only feeds his entitlement to abuse you more.

So, you have to change it.


Just my .02

LG

so what would you have me do? State my boundary, have him go over it and I just walk out with a 4 year old and nowhere to live???? I mean, I need realistic advice for my situation and this is not it. I know I have to stop this behavior of his, are you saying the only way is to leave if he doesnt' stop? Are any of you willing to take me in???

THis last post was more to MelodyLane (although I'm not sure I want to move to Texas) and MEDC than to you, LousyGolfer- so how do I change it??????? That is the $64,000 question...

If he doesn't stop...then yes...one of you will need to leave. You file for a legal sep and you stay in the house...he goes.
Yes, i will be happy to take you in. I have 3 extra bedrooms right now. So long as you can clean and help out around the house, you are welcome to two rooms. I am sure my son would enjoy the compnay of your 4 year old.

The advice is realistic. Staying and making excuses for an abuser is unrealistic.

since you are not the one abusing him...you can't change it. HE needs to do that. The ONLY thing you can do is never tolerate those behaviors again.

You explain to him your boundaries and then give him the opportunity to change. If he does not follow through, then you leave or get a legal seperation that removes him from the house.

If you agree to stay and be abused, you are no longer a victim, but a willing volunteer.

no, that is REALISTIC advice. Not easy advice, for sure. But the only realistic option you have. What you are looking for is some MAGIC POTION to make him change against his will and THAT is unrealistic.


No, you are a big girl, you can take care of yourself.

Here is realistic advice:

Get away from him instantly when he does or says something that you view as unpleasant. Not intolerable. Just unpleasant. Leave the house with your four year old. That's not moving. That's not seeking legal separation. That's going to a park for an hour. Sooner or later, he'll figure out that you won't stick around if he treats you in a way that you don't like. Don't argue with him about what you should or should not be able to tolerate. Simply tell him that you won't stick around if you feel as though it is unpleasant. By not being willing to stay physically in the same room or continue a conversation which you view as unpleasant, you are showing self-respect.

I tried to change my husband. I tried to tolerate his behavior. I tried to forgive him. Like you, I felt stuck, but I wasn't. I had choices, and the choice that was most difficult to make was to NOT participate in something that was negative for me.

Cherishing

Read closer, Cherished, we already told her that. BTDT. She says he will divorce her if she doesn't participate.

ML,

I tolerated a broken arm and I thought that my husband would be less likely to continue in his relationship with this former co-worker (unbeknownst to me, his lover) since I forgave him and lied about its cause (the lie being that I had fallen due to imbalance after a hysterectomy 12 days before, not that I had put my hands up to my face and he had punched away my arm).

Like howtoheal, I felt trapped -- four kids ages 7 and under, a stay at home Mom, and I was convinced I was at fault for the problems in the marriage. I was too controlling. I was psychotic about his relationship with this woman...

All I did was dig myself a deeper and deeper hole.

IF howtoheal walks away FROM AN UNPLEASANT CONVERSATION or declines to have sex because it wouldn't be enjoyable for her, what will he do? He may say he will divorce her, but in my opinion based on my personal experience, just the opposite may be true. He may be emboldened to divorce her because she was willing to put up with such poor treatment.
And the abuse will get worse. My husband never thought he'd break my arm. He got angrier and angrier and blamed me more and more so it got to the point where both of us believed that I was at fault because I didn't listen to him when he pleaded with me not to pick up the phone to call this woman who he had said he thought might call him to wish him a Merry Christmas. I thought I was at fault for a broken arm.

Now I've learned to hang up the phone. I've learned to walk away. I've learned to let him know that I will not continue in an unpleasant conversation. My H does get upset and tell me I ignore him, I don't care about how he feels, I dismiss his feelings...

My response has been that I will end conversations which are unpleasant for me.

That's a good boundary for howtoheal. I would also recommend that she only have sex if it is enjoyable for her as well. In fact, the most important way to heal the marraige may be to set down the boundary of having sex ONLY IF it is enjoyable for her. No one deserves a spouse to have an affair, but also no one needs to be degraded sexually, to be treated like a w****.

It's taken me a long time and many dead ends to go down this path of trying to meet his needs in a way that works for both and removing myself from him when he is doing what doesn't work for me. The best part about this path is that, no matter what he does, I feel better about myself.

Cherishing

PS. I have a new name. I had no control over whether I am cherished, but I have a lot of control over whether I am cherishing.