You had a broken arm? I had no idea..

And not only that, three surgeries for repair of the broken arm. He punched me so hard that the ulna (one of the bones of the forearm) was broken into seven pieces. I was in a cast or splint from before Christmas until after Easter, and then I needed a third surgery that December. This was when I had a baby whose diapers had to be changed.

I have had a lump in my forehead for nearly 10 years that came from him pressing down on me. Turns out that the lump didn't go away because of a preexisting problem in the skin, a rare type of skin cancer which doesn't spread to other organs so it isn't life-threatening. I never got the lump checked out because I knew it had come from a memorable and frightening incident in which he had pressed down on my forehead. Last month, I had three surgeries under general anathesia so that the area could be excised, and I will have a bandage on my head for up to three months.

It was scarey to be hurt so badly that I thought he would bash in my brains. It was scarey to be punched when you are recovering from extensive pelvic surgery and aren't even supposed to drive to avoid jarring and then you end up with a broken arm.

The affair hurt worse, far worse.

Howtoheal, I understand the incredible hurt of an affair. I understand that there is no way for you to make up for it. Maybe you can tell your husband that you cannot make up for the hurt. All you can do is try to be a caring wife today.

That means that you care for him but not at your expense.

Please read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement and Harley's four tips for negotiating. The first tip is to make conversations pleasant. If your husband is unwilling to make the conversation pleasant, end the conversation.

Please try this. He'll be mad, but if you continue as you are, you could face physical abuse.

Cherishing

HTH:

Sorry if the statements to you seem harsh.

You are in a difficult position.

One concrete thing you could do:

The next time he threatens you with divorce, Tell him: "You have threatened me with that many times, I KNOW your not going to do it. If, you are going to, then JUST DO IT. I will NOT stand in the way of your DOING THAT, but I WILL not continue living in a M like this."

That is a start in the right direction. It is a boundary. You take the power from him.

HTH: I want you to stay here, to learn more, and to become a stronger person.

Good folks are posting to you, and are attempting to lead you to water. You may not want to drink the water now.

But since you are standing at the watering hole, what would you like to do?

We can drink and continue up the path.

We can not drink and go back down the same path you were just on.

And it's OK to pause before making that decision.

Because although drinking and continuing on the new path is scary, going back to where you were is even worse.

HTH: This place can become your refuge. We just will not allow you to sit on your duff, we will ask you to move. Slowly but surely.

Do you feel that you have a better understanding about the power dynamic's in your M now?

That's a start. We can help you restore that balance.

(((HTH)))

LG

HTH,
I agree with lousygolfer. You can let your husband know that you understand that he would want a divorce, but that you are willing to work on having a happy marriage going forward.

Your husband appears to be making the problem in your marriage to be your affair from the past. It's not. It's his treatment of you in the present. Please remove yourself from this treatment. If you put up with it, it will get worse.

Cherishing

Thank you for all the advice. I absolutely have some concrete things I can do. I absolutely will remove myself from negative situations. I ususally engage, engage, engage. I usually just go after him verbally, and cry and yell. Obviously huge LB's for him. And they aren't working anyways. And he has said that he'll stay in the marriage for our son, but then of course he says that maybe he'll just file for D, I'll never know when it's coming...but he hasn't done it in 18 months, and maybe if I stop engaging, our M will get better slowly.

Also, I throw D at him too. I will stop doing this. WHenever I do something he doesn't like (always) I say, "are you going to add this to the list of reasons why you're going to divorce me?" Or, "why don't you find someone who can just be home and have SF whenever you want?" Not useful to say to him. And he just says he already has the best reason for D anyways.

BUT- like last night, I REALLY didn't want to have SF, but gave it the "good ole college try," and he didn't know I wasn't super enthusiastic....however, he complained about a certain thing I did-orally speaking, named after a giant store that isn't Sam's Club-and he got mad that it wasn't good enough and just got up, yelled at me and said now he didn't want to do anything and that I needed to practice....WTF????? Like now I want to do this more??????

So now I want to avoid SF completely, for forever if not longer, and of course, SF is his top at least 3 needs...

It's like he really doestn' care about me. Oh, he'd cross the street to pee on me if I was on fire, but that's about it.

The suggestion from LG to say to him "just do it" is a dangerous game that you should NEVER play. I am shocked by that "advice" and can only say don not allow this to happen.

You will continue to let him use you like a whorre??? Why? You are enabling his bad behavior and are now a party to it. DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MAN. State your boundaries and make them very, very clear. If he chooses to not abide by them... file for separation and get him out of the house.
He is an abuser...and you are an enabler...this cycle needs to stop.

No, I won't let him use me like a w***e. I will politely withdraw if I dont' feel like SF. Which, after last night, will probably be never.

I would have to move out of the house, it is in his name only, I"m not on deed or title, though I get it in the will.

The thing is, he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong, but he's "okay with it until I"m not okay with it." He says for him to get over what I did, if he can get over it at all which he is still not sure of, will take however long it will take and I have no right to pressure him.

But the thing is, when he is "okay with it" will I be able to forgive him?

He discounts everything I say I had a problem with pre-A. He just tells me I"m "psycho" and that the things that bothered me were stupid and that I totally changed after we married and he's suffered for 7 years and while he's not perfect he'd put it at 70/30 me for issues in our marriage.

if you are married the deed/title mean nothing...speak to a lawyer.

Can you support yourself and your son? Why is the home in his name? Was it his before you married? That might be a problem.

You need to start teaching your husband that he can no longer abuse you. Sit him down and tell him how hurtful it is to be called a wh*re, and that you will no longer tolerate it. Then if he continues, leave the room. If you need to, leave the home.

Here's the thing. I KNOW I have things I need to change. But I resent my husband so so so much! I just can't seem to let go of it. Old and new resentments. ANd I just want to get rid of him because of them.

ANd I don't want to get rid of him at all. I love him. He isn't like this in his heart....is he? How could someone who loves me act like this? How could someone who loves him act like I did?

Yes, I can support us. He bought the house after we were married only in his name, I am quit-claimed off the title.

I have sat him down and told him how hurtful it is. All I get is "what you did to me was hurtful too."

It is the all-purpose excuse now.

Check with an attorney. In community property states - I think yours is one, it makes no difference who is on the title.

Don't make any decisions right now. Your task is to set boundaries and let him know that you will NOT tolerate disrespectful behavior.

You were WRONG, and that is in the past. Now it is time to change. He is WRONG, and doesn't seem to want to change. Tough. Don't accept is abuse.

You start by leaving the room, if it continues, leave the house.

I feel like if I always walk away, we solve nothing...

You need some working on boundaries. You create protection from his abuse by leaving, separating yourself from him. It does no good to discuss things with someone who chooses to be disrespectful and abusive. And HE IS.

Decide how you will be treated and enforce your boundaries.

HE would tell you that he wouldnt' be disrespectful if I would A) just be quiet and B) just do what he wants, happily. Mostly he just doesnt' want to talk about anything having to do with our R. A couple of weekends ago we went to a concert he bought tickets to, and I hadn't been feeling well so no SF for a couple days, and I felt really good. We snuggled at the concert, and I felt like it was a turning point- then WHAM (no, it wasnt' a WHAM concert) back to crappy crappy crappy. He says if our schedules don't mesh, he won't have SF with me, and he wont' make any alterations to what his schedule is...

Do Betrayed Spouses sometimes feel entitled to "torture" the Wayward becasue of the A? I might feel that way too if the tables were turned...

He's having a hard time trusting me, which I completely understand, although I am transparant- but I dont' trust him either...

BS's are entitled to be very hurt and not to trust the WS - for awhile. Eighteen months is too long, especially considering the way he treats you.

You are not a WH*RE. You are the mother of his child and his wife.

Get some counseling and develop some boundaries.

Maybe he's one that just cannot forgive?

He gave me 3 rules
1. Don't talk about the M
2. Have lots of SF
3. Lose weight

It sounds easy, doesnt' it?

I would NOT have SF with a man who called me a wh*re.

Not talking about the marriage won't help either.

You COULD lose some weight. It will please him and make you feel better about yourself.

"I feel like if I always walk away, we solve nothing..."

If you walk away, you let him know that any interaction with him from now on will be pleasant for you. That solves the biggest problem in your marriage, his disrespectful treatment of you. You have no control over his disrespect. You have 100% control over his treatment of you. You leave the instant there is any disrespect.

I had that advice in therapy about four years ago. It took me until this year to follow it.

We have had less interaction recently, but it has been short (I leave, I don't respond, etc) or positive. Think about how that feels. After all these years of being sworn at, of being told how I don't care about him, I JUST LEAVE. I make no attempt to convince him to change his views or behavior.

Cherishing

This morning I asked him if he loved me (keep in mind, we say ILY everyday, even now...). He said "I love you as much as you love me, I guess." Kind of snotty like, maybe that is a DJ, but that's how it sounded...I replied, "I love you enough to stay married to you." He said, "Well, there you go."

We also said prayers this morning, which we haven't for a long long time.

I was asleep when he came home last night, but soon he will be home earlier in the evening. I"m not sure how I feel about it....I know the 15 hour rule, but it seems like all we do is end up fighting.

HTH-

Here's the thing. Why do you think that this situation will EVER change???

People change for two reasons. They either move away from something that hurts them, or towards something they want. That's it...its not rocket science.

Right now, there's nothing to make your husband to WANT to change. He's not in fear of losing something (move towards something he wants), nor is he moving away from something that hurts him (like he would if you reported the abuse and made him face the consequences of that).

He's HAPPY with how things are. You're allowing him to get everything he wants.

THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE IF NOTHING ELSE CHANGES THE EQUATION!!!!!!


Please...read that again.


Until YOU force a change in the equation...this is going to be your life.

At what point are YOU going to "move away from something that's hurting you"???????