Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
My WS and I have been separated 6 mths. He is no longer with OW. He is not sure if he wants to be with me. I have done lots of soul searching...read lots..prayed and cryed lots..and sought MC. I have looked at my life and seen things..I have apologized numerous times for things I saw. I am trying to own my life and deal with areas the contributed to this mess. I am kind to him and do my best to avoid LB.

My tendency is to be a bit codependent. I seek to own my own and usually his, but I am learning to be more assertive and honest with myself and him (the stick of plan A) How much do I pursue? If I dont call him, he doesnt call me. If we arent living together, then there is little chance to grow love. I saw the book with the title something like "He's not all that into you".... We have been together almost 30 years. It is so hard for me to really grasp that. Do I continue to call and see if he wants to spend some time together or back off? Any thoughts please??


You shall hide them in the secret place of your presence..... Ps 31.:20
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Why not make the changes you need to make and move on to a wonderful life? Hopefully he will decide to join you. But if he doesn't, YOU still will have a nice life.

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
When you do call him, do not expect him to come over to meet your needs.

Meet him in a neutral location; ie, farmer's market, theater, event, restaurant, etc. and give him the BEST of you, without relationship talks.

Look GREAT, smell PERFECT, be upbeat and positive, fix your hair a different way, and sell your SIZZLE.

Then go your separate ways after the meeting. In fact, leave somewhat "abruptly, as "you have somewhere you have to be" ::::wink, wink:::: Leave him hungry for more. Make your calls to meet infrequent, and let him COME to YOU.

JMHO
SD


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
I get what you are saying and I am daily trying to learn the lessons as to the whys of what has happened so that moving forward, either for my husband and myself or for me alone, that I am a healthier person. I cant imagine that being without my husband, but that may be a possibility.

What is a bit scary and confusing to me, is about the moving onto a wonderful life. Yes, I understand, that there is a wonderful life to be had in my future. The possible changes that may have to be made for me are a little overwhelming.

I have stayed home with our four children, homeschooled for 12 years, and now work a part time job making very little that does not include insurance. My husband is now retired and the plan was to travel to see our children and grandchildren, etc. Now I am wondering do I need to go back to school to support myself? etc. etc. etc. Financially things have always been tight, and if there is a divorce, things will be very tough financially.

I dont mean to make this all about finances, as that is not the only reason why I want to stay married, however, it is just a reality in my life.


You shall hide them in the secret place of your presence..... Ps 31.:20
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Why not go back to school, and get trained for something? How old are your children?

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
shattered dreams,

My expectations at this point are not about him meeting my needs. I understand that especially at this point, that I am to try everything I can to meet his and make him want to be home.

My MC thinks that our pattern has always been for me to pursue relationship and for him to be very avoidant. Avoidant in many areas in his life.

I get confusing answers depending on what book I read, which I have read at least 6 on infidelity...

So... pursue less frequent is the answer...


You shall hide them in the secret place of your presence..... Ps 31.:20
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
They are all grown 20 - 27. That is what I am looking into doing. All my children live out of state, and up until recently, because of the freedom of our schedules, we would be able to go visit our kids and grandchildren. I am not afraid of working as I have always been a hard worker. I do have to say that the biggest struggle for me is not having the freedom to visit my children and grandchldren regularly.


You shall hide them in the secret place of your presence..... Ps 31.:20
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
There are always tradeoffs. However, I would prepare to have a good life, no matter what he decides. Everything depends on you.

Hopefully he will join you.

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
believer.."there are always tradeoffs" Yes I get that, however, I am a bit angry about that. I understand that I have to get past that. It is a death of dreams. Did you accept it right off or did you have any struggles?

Could you please explain "everything depends on you"


You shall hide them in the secret place of your presence..... Ps 31.:20

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 542 guests, and 71 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Zion9038xe, renki, Gocroswell, Allen Inverson, Logan bauer
72,026 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by leemc - 07/18/25 10:58 AM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Spying husband arrested
by coooper - 06/24/25 09:19 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,522
Members72,027
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0