My WS and I have been separated 6 mths. He is no longer with OW. He is not sure if he wants to be with me. I have done lots of soul searching...read lots..prayed and cryed lots..and sought MC. I have looked at my life and seen things..I have apologized numerous times for things I saw. I am trying to own my life and deal with areas the contributed to this mess. I am kind to him and do my best to avoid LB.

My tendency is to be a bit codependent. I seek to own my own and usually his, but I am learning to be more assertive and honest with myself and him (the stick of plan A) How much do I pursue? If I dont call him, he doesnt call me. If we arent living together, then there is little chance to grow love. I saw the book with the title something like "He's not all that into you".... We have been together almost 30 years. It is so hard for me to really grasp that. Do I continue to call and see if he wants to spend some time together or back off? Any thoughts please??

Why not make the changes you need to make and move on to a wonderful life? Hopefully he will decide to join you. But if he doesn't, YOU still will have a nice life.

When you do call him, do not expect him to come over to meet your needs.

Meet him in a neutral location; ie, farmer's market, theater, event, restaurant, etc. and give him the BEST of you, without relationship talks.

Look GREAT, smell PERFECT, be upbeat and positive, fix your hair a different way, and sell your SIZZLE.

Then go your separate ways after the meeting. In fact, leave somewhat "abruptly, as "you have somewhere you have to be" ::::wink, wink:::: Leave him hungry for more. Make your calls to meet infrequent, and let him COME to YOU.

JMHO
SD

I get what you are saying and I am daily trying to learn the lessons as to the whys of what has happened so that moving forward, either for my husband and myself or for me alone, that I am a healthier person. I cant imagine that being without my husband, but that may be a possibility.

What is a bit scary and confusing to me, is about the moving onto a wonderful life. Yes, I understand, that there is a wonderful life to be had in my future. The possible changes that may have to be made for me are a little overwhelming.

I have stayed home with our four children, homeschooled for 12 years, and now work a part time job making very little that does not include insurance. My husband is now retired and the plan was to travel to see our children and grandchildren, etc. Now I am wondering do I need to go back to school to support myself? etc. etc. etc. Financially things have always been tight, and if there is a divorce, things will be very tough financially.

I dont mean to make this all about finances, as that is not the only reason why I want to stay married, however, it is just a reality in my life.

Why not go back to school, and get trained for something? How old are your children?

shattered dreams,

My expectations at this point are not about him meeting my needs. I understand that especially at this point, that I am to try everything I can to meet his and make him want to be home.

My MC thinks that our pattern has always been for me to pursue relationship and for him to be very avoidant. Avoidant in many areas in his life.

I get confusing answers depending on what book I read, which I have read at least 6 on infidelity...

So... pursue less frequent is the answer...

They are all grown 20 - 27. That is what I am looking into doing. All my children live out of state, and up until recently, because of the freedom of our schedules, we would be able to go visit our kids and grandchildren. I am not afraid of working as I have always been a hard worker. I do have to say that the biggest struggle for me is not having the freedom to visit my children and grandchldren regularly.

There are always tradeoffs. However, I would prepare to have a good life, no matter what he decides. Everything depends on you.

Hopefully he will join you.

believer.."there are always tradeoffs" Yes I get that, however, I am a bit angry about that. I understand that I have to get past that. It is a death of dreams. Did you accept it right off or did you have any struggles?

Could you please explain "everything depends on you"