How do you get rid of guilt? I am guilty that I had an EA/PA with my cousin's husband during the early part of my separation with my STBXH.

I have been separated for six years now. On the 5th year of separation, I found out that my STBXH is having an affair with our common friend for the past nine years with 2 OC already. STBXH begged for another chance. I was also considering a reconciliation that time. So, I decided to admit my own EA/PA. It was one year of trying to work on US, but to cut the long story short- it did not work out. He is now living with OW and OC for good- I will be filing for annulment soon.

On the other hand, three years after the EA/PA had ended, my cousin and husband divorced; without us admitting to the EA/PA up to now. I have spoken with my cousin twice since her divorced and seen her once just recently- but never had the courage to admit my sin and ask for her forgiveness. We never even talk about her divorce or anything personal.

How do you get rid of guilt? I am now 42 and leading a straight life and commit to the Lord that I will never, ever enter into bad R again. Just devoting my life to my pre-teen adopted daughter who felt abandoned by her father. I am not even sure if I have the courage to enter into another R even after my annulment is final. STBXH was my first and only BF prior to marriage. But I sometimes felt like because of what I've done- nobody will love me and accept me anymore. It's been five years now since the EA/PA has ended. I know I am forgiven by God... But, inside I still feel like a trash---

Thank you for listening...

God bless,
Someoneout_there

When you honestly confessed this sin to God and repented, you were forgiven. You confessed to your husband, but he is apparently marrying OW. Your cousin's marriage is over. You have done what you can do. Allow God to heal your heart. Guilt is a wonderful thing, up to a point, in that it helps keep us from cheating, stealing, having affairs, committing murder, etc. But it is the devil who benefits when you continue to suffer from guilt, once the reason for guilt has been cut off. I will be praying for you to have peace.

Amen, Setfree.

Thank you Setfree & Believer for your encouraging replies and for your prayers... I needed that.

God bless,
Someoneout_there

someoneout_there
What you're guilty of here is not believing that God's forgiveness is enough.
God freely forgives's in the face of repentence, and this is somehow contrary to what we are capable of, as humans.

You need to accept God's forgivenes, to do otherwise, is an affront to God's capacity of mercy and forgiveness.

All blessings,
Jerry

Hi Jerry,

"You need to accept God's forgivenes, to do otherwise, is an affront to God's capacity of mercy and forgiveness."

Yes, I agree with you. I have accepted God's forgiveness and grateful to His unconditional love to sinners like me.Thank you for the reminder...

But, there are times like this, that I feel so bad thinking of what I've done- the betrayal and lies- to my STBXH, my cousin and my entire family & friends as well. None of them deserved what I've done, even my long time unfaithful STBXH. I am just venting maybe.

God bless,
someoneout_there

No, you are not feeling the conviction of God, but rather the confusion of Satin, who has vowed your destruction.

Listen instead, to god and His mercy, and put the influence of satin aside. He will mess with your mind and heart as long as you let him.

All Blessings,
Jerry

"Listen instead, to god and His mercy, and put the influence of satin aside. He will mess with your mind and heart as long as you let him"

Thanks for your help- I will remind myself of this everytime I feel this way.

God bless,
someoneout_there

It is much easier to beg God for forgiveness than your cousin. Your cousin has the right to know what happened to her marriage and the role you played in it's demise.

Cymanca,

I know it is very hard for me to admit the A and ask forgiveness from my cousin and my family. I am scared to tell them the truth...

Someoneout_there

I agree with Cymanca that it is the cousin whose forgiveness you should ask.

Melody,

I know I should do that... but I don't have the courage yet...

Someone

Well, courage comes from doing the right thing even when scared. Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. Allowing fear to dictate my actions keeps me fearful, weak and uncourageous. And guilty.

And convicted.....

Melody,

You're right. I am weighing the pros and cons of my confession at this time to my cousin and family. Is it just for my own sake? To get rid of my guilt? How about their feelings? The relationship within the family? Right now, I am suffering alone, what will happen if I will confess? I may feel better- but how about them? I maybe wrong thinking this way- it's been five years ago and I still can't tell the truth.

Someone

Well, of course you wouldn't "feel" better after telling her. That is why you are terrified. But it would be the right thing to do for her. It would be in her best interest to know the truth, s. This is information about your cousin's life to which she has a right to know. Not telling her is tantamount to lying. And leaves you convicted.


And yes, you can tell the truth, you WON'T tell the truth. Big difference.

Melody,

I know that telling them is the right thing to do. And I hope telling them will bring more positives than negatives. To build up the family and not to tear down... Not just a selfish decision on my part to get rid of my guilt and pass on the pain to them.

Thank you Melody, your words are taken seriously. I know the right time will come...

God bless,
Someone

Well, if you don't tell her, you will continue to self distruct, because you will never be able to forgive yourself.

And at least you will no longer be a hypocrite. I mean how can you look her in the eyes knowing that you were screwing around with her husband, her life, her family?

And at least she will have some more of the pieces of the puzzle that she is missing. At least she will be able to make a little bit more sense out of a marriage that probably makes no sense to her.

I believe that you are sorry, but I also believe that your fear stems from not wanting to be seen in a negative light. Too bad, this is the price paid for what you did.

Do what you keep saying is what you know is the right thing to do, and then get back to the business of making a good, and noble life for yourself.

Your relationship with her is a wash, consider it over as it will be, but gosh darnit give her at least the respect to tell her who her back-stabbers are.

That is what it means to come clean, and this is the first step in self-forgiveness, which is the only forgiveness next to God's you need to concern yourself with. Any other forgiveness you ever get the grace of receiving is up to the forgiver, not you. As it is for all of us who have wittingly hurt another. And believe me, you are not alone in that department. But we do what we need to do, and become better people from there.

I would advise against telling your cousin. #1 you dont know what the reason was for her divorce (at least that has not been communicated). So you dont know if in fact it was your fault.

This is something that I would come to terms with the almighty.

If things have settled down with her, why add salt to a wound or kick a sleeping dog?

Just my thoughts. I think the fact that you recognize the error and have been carrying this around with you for such a long time reflects on your good nature and wishes to do things right. You cannot change the past. Let it go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you honestly believe what you are saying here knowing what we know about affairs and their dynamics?

My WW once told me that she did not want to tell me the truth because she did not want to hurt me. That was the one of the most disrespecful thing she has ever said to me. Who is she to judge what I may feel regarding infomation that I have a right to know about.

Your cousin needs to know the truth and you will never escape the guilt by with holding this information from her. Whatever she decides to do with that information should be her perogative.