ok everyone I have an update. WW came to see me tonight wanting to talk. She did not know that I knew about the solicitors letter. I started the conversation by saying that we have every chance at being happy if she would agree to no contact with OM. She listened for once and seemed to take it in. Then it came out that OM has gone back to his wife and 5 kids but she doesn't sound happy about it at all!

I wish it was herwho ended it but at least its ended. All this kida confirms what OM wife said when I spoke to her sunday. She then said that there was a letter inside that I should read and I may feel differently after reading it. So I read it in front of her (having already read it the day before but re-sealing it up) and I said that doesn't change anything. I am still committed to working on our marriage.

Then she said that she was still unhappy for a few years before OM and that she was always looking for someone else and she thought he was it. Now that he isn't it still doesn't change things between you and I. Advise on this please is this fog talk?

It ended by her saying that she wanted to be by herself now and I asked her to consider what I said about us having opportunity of being happier than ever using MB principles and she kinda said ya. I was careful not to put too much pressure on as I know any desision has to come from her.

I asked about solicitors letter and she said if I can use the car while she has our Son she will put everything else on hold. So is she just manipulating me or is she in withdrawl?? Should I give in and leave her use the car now??
Should I go back to plan A?? I gave her the plan B letter I had prepared and she read it and said she understood but that was an hour before she left. Please help!!!

Ok I have remamed this thread due to the latest developments above. Thanks for all your help.

Sorry I try again!

I would let her use the car. Then start working on a great Plan A. Be sure that she is not having contact with the other man, and your marriage can recover.

If they work together, she needs to quit.

No they don't work together any more. He got a good job and now has gone back to his wife. I spoke to her yesterday and she asked what we were going to do. I told her I had said all I had to say on friday and I think we can make this marriage into something wonderful. She just can't see that right now.

She spoke a bit more about OM and said she was angry when he told her he was gone back home. But he said I don't love my wife I love you, I am only going back for the kids. So he still wants my wife but as his bit on the side. I asked what she said to this and she told him that was not going to happen but she still wants to text him etc. I don't get it why can't she see now that its not going to work and move on? She still wishes him the best she says and thinks its great that he loves his kids so much. She obviously still in love with him.

How long will this go on and what should I do in the meantime? I have vowed not to talk about our relationship anymore as she knows how I feel and I don't want to keep pressurising her. She needs to find her own way back now. I just hope she will.

What else can I do to ensure that she does???

She still says that she wasn't happy before OM and him being gone doesn't change that. But I said if I offered you a chance to build a better marriage last christmas you would have been delighted and she agreed. But then says a lot has happened since then....

Before I left I was playing with our Son and he was laughing etc and she started to cry. Then when I was leaving she was sobbing and I touched her arm and said "it will be fine and remember what I said" and I walked away.

Has anyone any insight into any of this? I have given up trying to read her.

Thanks for all your advise

What is the best book that I could suggest that she read now?

Vladie, I wouldn't suggest giving any books to her, but you can get Surviving an Affair and leave it lying around in the hopes she will pick it up. One thing I would suggest is staying in touch with the OMW and telling her that contact has continued between the two. You may be able to cut off all contact that way.

Focus on making things as PLEASANT as possible when she comes over. You might want to stay in Plan A a couple more weeks and then go into Plan B. You are not giving her any money are you?

No melodylane, I am not giving her any money. Only child support for our Son. She receives support from the government now as we are separated.

What are the things I should be doing and should not be doing at this point?

The OM is most likely blowing smoke at your WW. In other words, lying through his teeth. Letting his wife know something is still not right might shake the truth out of the trees. Your wife is also lying to herself and likly knows it. She is doing so to maintain some shred of dignity.

Larry

How do I keep asking for no contact when she says I am trying to control her etc...she won't agree to it and won't commit to the marriage. She says if we are meant to get back together it will happen...

Contact now is reduced to only a few texts or messeges on bebo which I can monitor. Should I be suggesting family day trip at weekends and just consentrate on being really fun and nice? If I bring up no contact again she just says again that she is not ready to commit to marriage now and wants to be on her own to sort out all that has happened so drop it and its another argument.

Any thoughts???

You need to be spending 15 hours a week doing fun things with her, without kids. Are you doing that?

No believer, she is living in her own unit so thats not an option. I only see her when I collect our Son and drop him back. What do you suggest?

I suggest you get a sitter, and invite her out to something she would enjoy. Don't talk relationship talk - kind of like when you were dating.

I don't think she would go for it. If she thinks I am trying to get her on a date or work on marriage in any way she won't. We never really dated as we were 15 and 13 when we met. That is another one of her issues saying we were just together cause we were always together and you feel like my brother......

Invite her anyway. Be sure it is something you know she likes. Now is the time to show her what an excellent husband you could be.

Is it possible that even though OM has gone back to wife that my WW feels that she needs time to sort out things in her head on her own before she can recommit to the marriage. How can I make her see that we can regain our love for each other and be happier than ever when she just doesn't see how?

I asked her if she could accept a wish from a genie that she could be totally in love with me instantly she said of course she would accept. At least thats something! I told her you can have that wish but not instantly but she just still doesn't get it. Anyone been in my situation? Your thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated.

Vladie, she will be none too good at sorting anything out because she is in a fog. Her head is messed up right now. And will remain that way until all contact ends. Once contact ends, she will go into withdrawal, which will last a few months. But before you can even get there, you need to make sure contact ends.

But she lives in her unit now and its impossibe to get her to end all contact. She says they are friends and I can't 'control' her life. She says that was one of her main problems with me all along. I tried telling her that NC was the only way she can sort herself out but she just won't do it. They no longer work together anymore and contact now is just on computer or text.

How can I keep insisting on NC when she doesn't want to work on marriage just now. I can't keep putting pressure. She says if we are meant to get back together it will happen but in the meantime I should move on.

Vladie, I would suggest telling the OMW that contact has continued. In the meantime, you can stay in Plan A a while longer and then go into Plan B [cutting off all contact] if she won't stop contact with her lover. And no, he is not her "friend," he is her lover. If he is only a "friend" she wouldn't put him above her marriage.

It sounds like she is trying hard to get him back.

Yes ML you are right. I think she does want him back. But the problem is that she says she is not putting him above the marriage she says she is not in love with me full stop. She refuses to accept that even if he died she could be 'in love with me again'. I am not sure how much contact there is but I have installed keylogger on my computer which she uses a fair bit so I just want to wait and see what turns up. All I've seen so far is he has taken a quiz she posted on her bebo page.