Vladie, don't even listen to what she says. She is in an addictive affair and her feelings will change once you have seperated her from the source of her addiction. Her words are about as meaningful as those of a falling down drunk and will change once the affair is over. She wont feel love for you until the affair is over. So, your best strategy is to a) do everything to bust up the affair and b) as she withdraws, attract her back.

Your job will be to cause as much conflict as possible in her affair, such as exposng, confronting the OM, cutting off her money, etc.

I know but if I keep on and on about it she will just think I am controlling, and she will hate me if I try and contact OMW. MAybe there is no contact? How do you deal with the backlash? And try to say you are not controlling when really you are? I am trying to force my will on her when she clearly says its not what she wants

I will see her later when I go to pick our Son up. What do you think I should say? I've said everything already!

If you do anything to interfere with her affair, she will lash out at you as "controlling" in order to get you to STOP. Just tell her you are sure sorry she feels that way and then smile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't force your will on her but don't help her hide her affair. Do what you can to bust it up. Keep in touch with the OMW and work together to kill the affair.

Remember, Plan A does not stand for [censored] kissing. Appeasement and [censored] kissing will get you absolutely nothing. If you enable someone who is he11bent on destroying your marriage, you will get a destroyed marriage.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband [Mel: the "A" does not stand for [censored] kissing]

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Vladie,

Why the [censored] are you afraid of her. SHE had the affair on YOU, and she got dumped. SHE should be the one shaking in her boots. She is trying to use fear to manipulate you into allowing her to continue her relationship w/ OM because she is an ADDICT who is addicted to the way OM made her feel. She is a LIAR who will say whatever she can to get you to back off and allow her fix. Remember what addicts do. They lie, they steal, they hurt the people they love just to get their fix. Only once she has NC w/OM and been through withdrawal will things change. You need to cut her off financially and stop enabling her. If your child was addicted to drugs would you just let them live with you, or would you toss their @ss in rehab? The same principle applies here. You need to overcome your fear. You are like a deer trapped in the headlights. Only after you overcome your fear and accept the uncertainty of your situation, will you be able to improve things. Remember, doing nothing, is doing something, and it is most certainly bad. You need to man up and make her start chasing after you again. Make her afraid that she is going to lose OM AND you. She is the one who needs to be afraid of winding up alone.

Thanks ML you are right I know. Marriage doesn't stand a chance while there is contact. I just want to wait a few days and see what else I can find out first

Does anyone out there feel that I should be in plan B? I did a bad plan b for a week but decided to change when I heard OM had gone back to his wife. Was this a mistake?

You don't do a plan B for a week. You do plan B for life until your WW agrees to your plan B conditions. I would continue to plan A for a while and see if OM blows her off, but I would keep in contact w/ OMW to verify. If things don't improve in a month or two, go to plan B. Oh, and cut her off financially, like yesterday. The key is to plan A your W, but plan B your WW. Be nice and caring and meet her needs when she is being herself, but completely ignore her when she starts fogging up and saying hurtful things to you, or complaining about the consequences of her actions (like you cutting her off, getting any hints?).

Thanks JW what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I am afraid of making things worse but like you say it has to get worse before it gets better. I must read your story and see if I can get some inspiration from there!

I would wait a bit for Plan B, a few weeks. I suspect that the OM is trying to either ditch your wife or go further underground. This is why I think it would be a good idea for you to interfere in the affair. Then when she starts feeling neglected/dumped by the OM, you could do a dark Plan B.

Ok so here is what I have decided. OM and WW no longer work together. He has gone back to his wife. I am concentrating on doing a really good plan A with no LS's. I have access to her bebo page thanks to keylogger and am monitoring all communication through there. So far there has been nothing. My WW has requested that OM confirm a story about how they know each other and he has so far ignored it even though he has checked his page.

So I'm thinking he is trying to ditch her? She could still be in contact via texting as I have no access to her prepaid cell phone. We have been seperated 4 months so I am not going to interfere there until I know for sure that there is still something going on.

Until I have proof I am going to just do the best carrot plan A that I can

Any thoughts?

That sounds like a good plan. But I would strongly suggest that you notify the OMW of any continued contact. That is how affairs resume.


Confirm to whom? what is this about? What is a bebo page?

A bebo page is similar to a myspace page where you invite friends etc. He has always been a friend on hers but since he left the job she has listed him as "used to work together". He needs to confirm this before it can be updated. Previously there was no description of how they knew each other.

I just don't want to create LB's by asking and controlling her life as she puts it until I know for sure. But all signs are pointing to it being over and she is having a hard time accepting it.

Vladie, it is not a lovebuster to expose contact to the OMW. If you do find she is in contact with him or is trying to get ahold of him, you should call her and let her know. You can't allow your fear of your w's anger to prevent you from doing important affair busting things. Any contact needs to be exposed. That is in your wifes best interest and yours.

Yes Mel I understand that and I will, but only when I have definite proof that there is. So far I have nothing to suggest there is contact besides WW changing status to 'worked together' which he has jet to answer and that was a week ago.

How sure can I be that she will want to work on marriage if NC remains?

Gotcha!


There are no guarantees, but she will likely want to come back once the affair is over and she has really given up. I don't think contact has really ended, though.

Well on saturday after work WW called to pick up our Son. We were out playing ball and I heard her come in but she waited 10mins before coming outside. When she did she said she was watching us playing. We had 2 beers and had a good chat, no relationship talk. I asked what she was up to for the weekend and she said nothing.

Then she was telling me about a place she went last weekend and saying how our son would love it. I wasn't sure but I got the feeling she may have been hoping that I would suggest going there.....but I have said all I have to say to her so I don't want to be seen as pressuring her. And maybe she was just saying it with no agenda.

Her birthday is in 3 weeks time and I asked her what she had planned. She said nothing but would like to go out in the city. I said that I would take our son that night and she said that she would like me to go to??? I just said we will see.

There has been no contact with OM on the computer but I can't say there hasn't been texts as I have no access to her phone. But she hasn't been going out or anything like that. What does everyone think? I am just concentrating on being really nice and trying to meet EN's without the LB's.

I was speaking to her parents and have suggested that they get a bit more involved and talk to her about recommiting to the marriage. I just don't want WW to know that I asked them to do this as that would be 'controlling'. I know they would be discrete. Is this a good plan?

Sounds like you are doing well. It is good to ask her parents to talk to her. Let them know that you love your wife and want to keep your family together, and would appreciate any help they could give.

Believer, do you think its good that I don't pressure her with relationship talk? After all she is in no doubt that I want to rebuild the marriage. If this OM is gone then what is stopping her???