IF he is gone, and that is a big IF, she will have to go through withdrawal, and will still spout the alien stuff for awhile.

She knows that you want the marriage, so it is best NOT to talk about the relationship, the future, etc. Wait until she wants to recommit to the marriage.

Just got a call from WW she was at home on the computer. After she broke into house during my pathetic plan B effort 2 weeks ago I put a passwork on the computer and her emails. She called saying she wanted to know her password and that I have been checking them and forwarding to my acount.

I did this once when OM sent her a message on Bebo/My space but that was 2 weeks ago. I told her I did not know the password and must have got reset when I put password for logging onto computer.

She does not believe this and says "she is married to a man who is controlling and interfering in her life when we are not even living together etc."

So I am going to get her to come over and change the passwords to whatever she likes, tell her that I am not controlling. I will tell her again how contact with OM is going to ruin any chance we have of saving marriage, although there has been none for 2 weeks.

A WS will always have a negative perception of a BS so get over that POV.

Tell her that since she choose t/b a WS you have found it necessary to protect yourself, your family and your property from someone who is committing adultery.

Do NOT give into her demands.

JMHO,
L.

Yesterday I saw that WW had sent an email to OM. It was just a forwarded friendship thing but still she may as well of said I love you! I dropped our Son to her unit this morning and asked her about it.

She then said that she is not in contact with him anymore. She said that he wanted her to wait for him and still see him etc and she told him yesterday that it was over. She was crying when she was telling me all this so I am hopeful that its the truth. I said what kind of man do you think he is now and she said she thinks he is a selfish [email]Ba@#$#d![/email]

She said she can't believe the hold he HAD over her and its going to take years to get over what has happened. She said it has ruined her life and while pointing around her unit, she said "just look at what I've done!". Meaning she has moved to her own place etc. She said she has been letting emotion make all her decisions and knows now that that was wrong but said she couldn't help it.

Then she said there was more to it between herself and OM but she wasn't getting into it with me cause she can't trust me, and all I need to know is that it is now DEF over and he won't be contacting her again after what she said.

She asked why I cared so much about her and I said that she knows why ( I want to work on marriage) and she said thats not good either.

Please everyone your comments are welcome....Could she be coming out of the fog? What should my approach be from here??

Well, I figured it wasn't really over so I am not surprised at this new development. AS you CAN SEE, this is why she kept harping at you about being "controlling." Not because you were really controlling but because she didn't want you to CATCH HER. I think one of your biggest problems is that you have an UNNATURAL FEAR of being accused of being "controlling" and are easily manipulated with this accusation. I don't know why men fall for this, but they do!

I bring this up only to caution to not allow yourself to be manipulated this way in the future.

In the meantime, bide your time and watch for any renewed contact. But you MUST, MUST, MUST notify the OMW that contact has continued all this time. She needs to know what her H has told your W. If your W gets over being mad TOMORROW contact will be back on, I assure you.


How was this contact taking place?

He was calling her on her cell phone. She said I don't want you to tell his wife because she will come to my work again and I am finished and want to move on.

Its not that I am afraid of her its that I can't help thinking that it is a bit controlling to interfere in her life considering she moved out four months ago and told me the marriage is over

I hope that you waited to burst out LAUGHING hysterically at this comment until you were away from her. Waywards often say hilariously insane things like this while in the fog, so it is sometimes hard to not LAUGH. Hopefully you are controlling this. **snort** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

By all means contact his wife.

How ridiculous, she is your wife, for Gods sake. A seperation is not an adultery entitlement card. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> It is your JOB to interfere in things that threaten your marriage and your life. YOU ARE HER HUSBAND. She does not have the right to the privacy to DESTROY you behind your back as long as you are married.


Please pick up the PHONE NOW and notify the OMW that her H has been in contact all this time via her cell phone.

Contact probably would have ended much sooner if you had done this earlier.

In other words, she wants you to ENABLE her affair in case she decides to resume it. If you bust her, it will close that door. So what is it going to be, Vladie, do you help the affair or do you help the MARRIAGE?

What if I tell his wife and she kicks him out? Thats not going to help me at all! And the last time I called her she didn't want to know and said it was my family problem to deal with.

I think I will monitor again and if contact happens again then I will do it

The quicker you tell his wife, the quicker the affair will end. You are just giving them time to entrench the affair.

Someone here had a good post this morning on just that. I'll look for it.

Here it is - addressed to a different poster, but it applies to your sit -

Hi Zeke. Your story has resonance with me, and I came in here today to check on you.

You are making the same mistakes I did. You want to believe the best. You are scared. You are hanging onto any thread of hope. You don't see any contact, and you wonder if maybe, finally, it's over. You relax, and you're happy that you didn't have to take a risk, and now the situation has resolved itself on its own.

The reality is, your wife probably suspects you have her password, and she's set up a Yahoo account, a private one, just for them. It takes five minutes.

A few weeks ago, my husband moved out. He thinks he is "in love" with OW. Even though it's all out in the open, they STILL try to sneak around and act as though they aren't together. It's an addiction, and the chemicals that are released when they hide out is part of the thrill. Your wife going further underground only makes their relationship stronger -- the two of them against the world.

Please. Get off your computer right now, head down to the electronics store and get a recorder. Stop by the hardware store and pick up some electrical tape. Attach these items under her carseat. Get your evidence, so you will be able to confront her effectively.

I know how you feel right now. You are afraid of what you might hear. You are afraid it will devastate you. But trust me: it will be much more devastating to feel the pain I am experiencing now, in the aftermath of the loss of my companion of 20 years. I am surviving, and I will make it through. It is not the end of the world. But you don't have to experience this. You *can* make it through this preliminary pain, and hopefully avoid the much worse pain of the loss of your marriage.

Maybe you're also afraid that if you confront her, she'll choose OM over you. That's a slight possibility, I won't lie to you. But while this at the beginning stages, you have a much, much greater chance of it ending, of exposure being enough to make it fizzle out. Right now, he is still married and it would take BOTH of the marriages to end for them to be together. Right now, your wife has nowhere to go. There is no time like the present.

By the time the OWH approached me, it was after he'd been kicked out of the house. WH and OW had become like spouses. When I confronted my WH, he admitted that they'd been kissing in their building -- which leads me to believe there was much more, like an alcoholic who said he only had one beer. It is as though work was his other home, and she his other wife. Losing me was not as significant to my WH by the time I had hard evidence, and asking him to leave her would be like asking a man to divorce his wife. By this time, he was telling me to my face that he was excited about pursuing a relationship with her, and hoped she might have his babies.

All of our friends have tried to talk to him; he blows them off. They say he is unrecognizable. The chemically induced thrill of having an affair has replaced all common sense and decency. "Election" was running on HBO this weekend. I have to admit that the Matthew Broderick character made me laugh out loud when he told this woman, who he'd slept with one time, that he loved her. In a voiceover, he said he couldn't get the smell of her off his body, off his fingers. They had decided to get together again that same afternoon. In the middle of his workday, he plotted and schemed -- he had 45 minutes to get a hotel room set up and then get back to his job. As he drove the hotel, he daydreamed himself as a European lothario in a convertible, exclaiming that he felt free for the first time in years. But when he stepped out his car, you saw an old, filthy shoe on his foot, a middle-aged man dashing for the dirty hotel room. He ran about it like a sweaty pervert, setting out faded flowers and cheap chocolate, in preparation to sleep with her a second time.

She treated him horribly, didn't show up, even told his wife about their dalliance. And still he fawned over her, as my WH does when the OW does awful, disrespectful things to him. He comes crawling back if she bats her eye. The filmmaker did a great job of showing his decline into depravity, his desperation, and sweaty foolishness. This is addiction, that went unchecked in my case because I didn't effectively address issues earlier on. I didn't want to believe WH was capable of this. I kept coming here, hoping that someone would make me feel better, tell me it could be anything besides what it was. They begged me like they are begging you. There is no solace -- only actions that need to be taken, by YOU.

Act now, before your wife, like my WH, no longer cares about herself, her reputation, her livelihood, or YOU for the sake of this tawdry, dirty little thing.

I talk to OWH every once in a while, just to try to gauge his mood, because I don't want him to shoot WH. He's never threatened, but I know he's angry. I tell him things to encourage him to take care of himself and move forward with his life, and it seems to help calm him. Though, like my WH, he forgives this woman's disrespectful behavior toward him, and will take her back in a heartbeat. I've warned WH to be careful. But in his fogged out, chemically based stupor, he continues on in this affair. This is a really, really bad situation.

Similarly, as your situation deteriorates, more people will be impacted besides just you and OW. Right now their relationship seems simple and questionable, but trust me that it's not. We've all seen it before, and we don't want you to go down the same path. I'm living in the aftermath, with a child who has been cast aside by her father so he can start a new family. So many people in our immediate circle are hurt and depressed. I know you feel the pressure now, but it will hurt far worse later, for you, and everyone else.

So get up, go to your car, and start the process of saving your marriage. There's nothing else anyone can say to make you feel better here. It's going to hurt for now, but it can get better. It's not fair: you didn't make the choices she did that got you here. But nevertheless, if you want to save your marriage, act NOW.

I just looked at her bebo page and she has moved me up to number one friend and moved him to last position. I just sent her a message saying that if she is serious about moving on then she will delete him and change her cell number.

I will post her reply when I get one.

I have read this entire thread, and I hope you don’t mind my asking a few questions.

My observations: You have taken control of the family home, and the family car. Your wife is on government support. You are separated more than four months, but still keylogging her computer and hacking into her accounts. When there are conflicts within the family, you have a history of siding with others against her. Not surprisingly, you’ve posted several times that your wife has often complained that you are “controlling.”

Other than a longstanding miserable history together, and the coparenting of a child, why on earth would your wife want to return to this situation?

In this marriage, your wife has no power over her own life, no privacy, few rights, and no dignity. I’m not clear, but really would like to know – What is in it for her?

nonononononno, she does not believe an affair is "your family problem" at all. You "monitored" before and she was in contact all along. She needs to be told NOW so she can watch from her end. If you don't tell her, you will LEAVE this affair wide open for a resumption JUST LIKE YOU DID BEFORE.

We told you before they were in contact and to call her and you ignored us. You can SEE that they were in contact all this time. Just because they had a fight today does not mean contact has ended.

Vladie, CALL THE OMW. Stop ENABLING this affair. You do so at the expense of your marriage.

Of course she has full power over her own life, she is not an endentured servant. She is a married person and does not have the right to the privacy to destroy her husband behind his back. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair and destroy 2 marriages. She is not a victim, ss.

Nor is there any "dignity" in acting like an alley cat in heat with a married man.

Valdie, sweetsobriquet is a TROLL who is PRO-AFFAIR and only comes here to carry water for waywards. She is against exposure or anything else that will disrupt adultery. She is here to DEFEND AFFAIRS.

It is much more likely to happen again if you DON'T tell her. Why do you think your W is so afraid of this exposure? It is because she knows it will cut off that opening.

I had to laugh at ML's spontaneous response to my reply, because as she was writing her knee-jerk response, I was getting ready to post the following:

I hardly ever agree with a single thing that ML says, but the OMW should definitely be notified IN WRITING, with stark, clear, printed evidence of contact.

If the OMW confronts her H with this evidence, then this will make the OM's life uncomfortable enough that he will say/do objectionable things towards the WW that are likely to abrupt the affair (at least somewhat).

However, this OM is encumbered to the tune of what, five kids? If his wife was plainly disinterested in listening to Vladie describe the affair BEFORE, my guess is that she is less interested in the details, NOW (should still give it a shot, though).

Hard to believe, but just as there are many spouses who will turn a blind eye to their mate's unhappiness until the unthinkable has happened (infidelity), there are countless spouses who avoid paying much attention to obvious and blatant infidelities, as well. If this OMW is aware of the affair and avoiding taking action or gathering information (and what is the probability it's his first fling?) then ... she may feel too socially/economically/culturally vulnerable to apply any pressure (who knows).

Well I will wait to see if she agrees to change her cell number and block him from her bebo page. If she does this then that will eliminate their contact avenues. If not then I will tell OMW.