Show her this website? She wouldn't be interested at the moment. Maybe best if I just wait till she calms down a bit first and back on good terms. Here is copy of email I sent to friend in sydney

Hi friend,
Hows daughter? Be sure to bring some recent photos up with you on the weekend. Just an e-mail cause I'm not sure if I'll get a chance to talk to you. I just don't want you to think badly of me for what I'm doing. Everything that I have done has been to save my marriage. Its because I love WW and Son so much that I have done what I've done. If I didn't care at all I would have said goodbye long ago. As long as WW and OM were together and in contact, the marriage didn't have a chance. Thats why my duty was to interfere in the affair and try to stop it. I have to protect my family.
I accept that our marriage was not perfect before and take responsibility for my part in contributing to that. But I believe that for our sake and for Son's sake that we should do everything we can to build it into something wonderful for all of us.
I can't force WW to do anything she doesn't want to do and I certainly don't think you should stay unhappy just for Son. What I am saying is that you should do everything in your power to improve the situation for all of us and if we can't make that happen which I think we can then thats fair enough. At least we tried. But none of this was possible with OM involved. I'm sure that you know that a divorce is something you would want for any child and I certainly don't want it for Son. I feel that should be avoided at all costs! I just want the chance to start over and forgive and forget what has happened and build a new life for us all.
Below is some of the stuff I've been reading so have a look as I'm sure you and WW will be talking about it. Hope to catch up with you so call over if you can!

Over the course of the last six months I have read everything I could get my hands on about adulterous affairs. Among the best materials are Dr. Frank Pittman’s Private Lies, Dr. Shirley Glass’ Not Just Friends, Love Must Be Tough : New Hope for Families in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson, and all the books by Dr. Willard Harley. I have tried to synthesize the best of these explanations of the pathology of an affair.

There are several different types of affairs, but this post will deal with the “romantic” type. In this type of affair, the wandering or wayward spouse (WS) has crossed a boundary and “fallen in love” with an affair partner (OP, other person). What makes this affair so difficult to deal with is that it is emotionally driven. The “in love” state is often so powerful that the WS may be willing to sacrifice the marriage and just about everything else to pursue it.

You have probably heard about or known a teenager who has been told that the person they are dating and in love with is using him or her or is demonstrably bad for them. Have you ever seen such a person take anyone’s advice and stop seeing this lover? It’s rare, because one’s emotions corrupt any attempt at clear thinking. This is what happens in romantic affairs. It is a powerful fantasy relationship in which the partners may idealize each other and bond in a way that makes everything else in their lives seem insignificant by comparison. If your spouse is engaged in a romantic affair and agrees to break it off, you are extremely lucky.

From the point of view of a betrayed spouse (BS), one’s spouse having an affair appears to be a rejection of you in favor of someone else. This can be a devastating blow to your self-esteem. You hear things like “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” and other statements along similar lines. You are shocked that this person who pledged to love you through thick and thin or until “death do us part” has suddenly forgotten that commitment or decided to revoke it without advance notice. (Chances are your spouse never talked about a marital crisis or separation or divorce before the affair.) They don’t want to work on the marriage, and you don’t understand why. They latch onto any events in your past in which you had a disagreement with them, no matter how rare or insignificant they seem, as evidence of your incompatibility. They won’t go to counseling, or if they do, they use it by sabotaging the counselor’s efforts and then tell you “I told you it wouldn’t work!” They won’t stop the affair, even though you can point out a dozen practical reasons for stopping it and fixing the marriage. They are not concerned about the children, after all, “they’ll adapt.” Your joint personal finances are jeopardized because the pursuit of love is more important than worrying about money or mortgages or credit card bills. Your wandering spouse’s family and friends may turn against you too. You don’t know what they’ve been told, but it’s a safe bet that they’ve been given a laundry list of grievances against you, while carefully leaving out the details of how they lied, cheated, and deceived you to pursue their affair. Of course, all those things were justified because you weren’t a good spouse, and this new person in their life is their true soul mate.

You’re angry, upset, and depressed. You fluctuate between these emotions while trying to make sense of it all. But you can’t make sense of it because infidelity is not a sensible act. In fact, much of what your spouse does seems self-destructive. That is because it is self-destructive, and if you are not careful your spouse will destroy you, too.

What can you do when you discover that your spouse is engaged in a romantic affair? Well, according to Pittman:

“I advise spouse’s who are waiting for their mate’s romance to end: don’t try to out-romance a romantic. Don’t bother to arouse jealousy. Don’t try to get your partner’s attention, increase your partner’s guilt, or threaten some kind of unpleasantness. Just express your point of view and then go off and do whatever holds you together during this time.”

Glass offers no solution to the WS who refuses to stop the affair.

Only Dr. Harley offers a plan for dealing with a spouse who is unwilling to stop the affair (see Plan A and Plan B on the MB website). But even Dr. Harley acknowledges that affairs of this nature are extremely difficult to break. They are often characterized as addictions, because they share many of the self-destructive traits that are visible among alcoholics and drug addicts. Most affairs will have to “burn out,” that is, they run their course until the romance fades and reality intrudes to destroy the fantasy. Unfortunately, this very often doesn’t happen until a lengthy separation between husband and wife occurs, or in some cases, after a divorce.

Here are some things to consider:

1. The affair is not your fault. No matter what the state of the marriage prior to the affair, no one forces the WS to have the affair, and having the affair is clearly not a solution to marital problems. (Click this link: It's Not Your Fault <http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3118057&an=0&page=0>)

2. It is a myth that affairs don’t occur in good marriages. People in good marriages DO have affairs. Dr. Pittman says the following:

"Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones."

You probably know someone who loves their wife or husband and claims to have a good marriage, but still can’t turn down an opportunity for a sexual encounter with someone else. This is especially true of philandering men. There are other reasons why people engage in affairs that have nothing to do with the marriage itself; self-esteem issues, depression, sexual addictions, etc.

3. Don’t take the affair personally. This is not a rejection of you; this is simply a bad choice by your partner who most likely tried to hide the affair from you because they didn’t want to lose you.

4. The OP is not necessarily more attractive or sexier than the betrayed spouse (BS). Most of the time the affair partner is no better in bed than the BS, it’s just that the intense emotional involvement makes it seem so, especially for women. Also, the OP is often chosen more for his/her incompatibility with the WS than for any similarities; the greater the differences, the more intense the relationship.

5. Not all affairs result in divorce. Most statistics indicate that, of couples who seek counseling for having marital problems due to an affair, between 80 and 85% reconcile. In Pittman’s experience, most of the couples who divorced after an affair did so because of the steadfast refusal of the WS to stop the affair.

6. Nearly all affairs end, usually within two years or less. Even when the affairees marry each other, only 25% of them are still together after 5 years. Pittman found that five years after the revelation of an affair, most WSs were back with their marriage partner.

7. In romantic affairs, it is usually a waste of time to try to talk the WS into stopping the affair, working on the marriage, or getting counseling. But it won’t hurt to try once or twice when you first uncover the affair. Don’t expect the WS be sensible or practical.

8. Although it goes against Dr. Harley’s advice, it may be a bad idea to assume responsibility for marital problems at the time of discovery of a romantic affair. That’s because the WS is looking for justification for the affair and by assuming responsibility for any marital problems, real or imagined, you are inadvertently giving your spouse an excuse for his/her actions. No attempt to solve marital problems will work while the affair continues. Stop the affair first, then talk about marital problems and their solution.

9. Don’t beg for a second chance or promise to change in an attempt to persuade your WS to stop the affair or prevent separation or divorce. This doesn’t work. Don’t allow what love your WS has for you to be turned into pity. Keep a bold front, even if it is only a façade and you are crumbling inside.

10. It is the WS who most often files for divorce. Interestingly, Dr. Pittman says there is almost always a point when the WS makes an attempt to return to the BS, even after the divorce occurs, (although you may not recognize the attempt for what it is, and it may come as a result of the WS’s desire to assure themselves of your continued love).

11. Don’t be surprised if your WS claims all sorts of marital problems that you had no idea existed. The creation and/or gross exaggeration of marital problems is part of the process of transferring guilt of the affair to you or the marriage. It is an attempt by the WS to rationalize what cannot be excused. Does the WS believe what he/she says about the marriage? The power of self-deception is often proportional to the guilt one would be forced to endure without it; WSs often believe their own lies and some never come to grips with the truth.

12. If your WS has had multiple romantic affairs, it may be that they are in love with the idea of being in love. These people are very often not suitable for marriage and will bounce from relationship to relationship until their dying day. You may want to bail out of this marriage or be prepared to spend a lot of money on a psychiatrist.

13. Although you may be desirous of saving your marriage, it is best to prepare for the worst. Seek legal advice about your possible divorce and custody issues. Do whatever is necessary to prevent the WS from destroying your financial resources along with your marriage.

For those of you looking for quick and easy solutions, there are none. Dr. Harley recommends exposure (telling any friends, family, or co-workers who might be able to influence the WS to stop the affair) as a method of accelerating the demise of an affair, but generally speaking, there are three possible outcomes even if you follow Dr. Harley’s Plan A/B:

A. The affair continues, a divorce ensues, and the affairees live together happily ever after. (This is very rare.)

B. The affair continues for a time after discovery, the affairees eventually break up, but either the WS or BS or both refuse to reconcile. (The probability of this occurring seems to be directly proportional to the length of the affair.)

C. The affair continues for a time after discovery, the affairees eventually break up, the WS and BS reconcile. (The probability of this occurring seems to be inversely proportional to the length of the affair.)

I don't think Melody meant show her this website. Then you would lose your support system as your wife would be reading here. It is better to wait until she wants to work on the marriage too.

Ok I just got home and saw she tried to sent OM a message on bebo. It said "tiger I can wait kiss". What do I do? I want to tell her I know and tell her its pathetic and that I'm going to tell her parents what she is doing.

Has she any self respect left? He can't get the message as he has removed her from his friend list.

Help

No, she has no self-respect right now. She probably still believes that he will leave his wife. YIKES!! These WS's don't want to face reality.

I wouldn't say anything. I would just continue monitoring the communication.

They don't work together, or do they?

Vladie, I meant show her your CHANGES, not this website. Don't bring her here!

I wouldn't say anything about seeing her message to the OM right now. Just kick back and be nice and friendly and CONFIDENT and RELAXED as she withdraws.

Ok I won't say anything about the message but I was very shocked to think she could be so pathetic. I called the OM again and asked him what this waiting was about? He assured me again that he never said that and he was back with his wife and kids and did not want to see WW ever again or contact her.

WW just can't accept that this is what he wants and is now blaming me for scaring him away! So he has agreed to send her a no contact email and advising her to go back to her own marriage. Once this has been received I will block his address from her account.

Good move, Vladie!! You have grown some nads there! Good job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But Mel, I'm not going to tell WW I asked him to write the letter. I think that would just undermine what I'm trying to achieve. Do you agree?

YES

On this, I agree it is not in your best interest to tell her.

Ok OM has not sent email yet. I sent him a text saying to let me know when its done and kinda what to say. He has not responded. I was thinking should I keep on to him about sending? Or is it better to leave well enough alone? Maybe him sending will just reopen communication again when he has alteady said that it is over for good

Gosh, I think it is better that OM just completely ignore her. The problem is that she may read something into what he writes.

I wouldn't contact the OM UNLESS he starts contacting your wife.

Thanks beleiver, I am beginning to think the same thing!

Wait until Melody chimes in. But the WS's always seem to have such a hard time with a no contact letter. They don't want to write a cold, formal one, but would rather put something in it like they are sorry, they will miss the goodtimes, blah, blah, blah.

The other problem I see is that if you keep contacting OM when nothing is going on, he may spin it to his wife that YOU are crazy. Then if something starts up, she may not take it seriously.

I am with believer. I would just back off and let the OM ignore her. Let him be. I like your effort, though!

I called OM this morning he was at work so I spoke to his wife. Told her to tell him not to send email and she was in agreement. She sis not want it sent as she felt my WW would only reply and it could be on again.

She is worried that my WW will keep trying to contact OM. But she believes OM when he says he is finished with WW and will not contact her or respond if she contacts him. I believe him too. Before he would say he would only stop contact if WW wanted him to but now he says he has chosen his family and wants no more to do with her.

How long before WW gets the message and gets over this? I saw her just now when I dropped our Son and she had her friend there too. I stayed and had a coffee and WW was very pleasant which was surprising. Although when outside I heard them wispering about something and I knew it was about me. Maybe WW didn't want me to have a coffee? Who knows.

So that the news for now, the A is over for OM but WW is having trouble letting go. I assume she is saying to her friend that even if OM did not exist then it wouldn't matter, the marriage is over anyway. Is this normal?

How do you assess the current situation?

Assume is a tough word and frequently leads to wrong conclusions.

Anyway, WW will likely try to find anything and everything she can to justify. This is typical WW fog think.

Be nice and continue to monitor.

Larry

They ALL think that the destruction of the marriage has nothing to do with the other person. That is just WS fog talk.

This is going to be a very difficult time for your wife as she looks at what she was willing to throw away for NOTHING. It will take her a bit of time to accept that.

The WW's here whose affair partner stayed with their wives have a lot of self disgust and feelings of having been used. It is very sad to watch while they are recovering.

I don't know how much you've read here, but you might want to check out some of their threads. Or you might put out a call to some of them. We have several that continue to post and have wonderful insite.

Is it normal for my wife to still love the OM after what he's done? I seem to be the one she is angry with when clearly it should be him. Its like she refuses to see any bad in him and only the good? How long before she stops wanting "to wait for him" and see him for what he really is?

Normal, normal, normal. Let her "wait" for him. It might seem kind of romantic to her now, but give it a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, are you working on changes?