Just one more thing when she asks if I accept her decision and I say yes. What do I say if she asks me how I feel about it? Should I just lie and say I'm fine with that?

Our Son was born here and has dual citizenship. Even if one of us wanted to bring him home we couldn't so we are both stuck here.

Also Charlotte gave her WH a Plan A letter saying they could rebuild their marriage. Would it be a good idea to give my WW one? Or is it too late for that if I'm playing it cool and getting on with it?

Don't give her a letter like that. It will only piss her off.

Believer and MrW gave you good advice.

Glad to hear that about your son. We had one member here (NewZealandGirl, I think) who was in England and wanted to take the child back to New Zealand. It was a big mess.

Instead of telling her things, I suggest you SHOW her. I get the impression that you are waiting around the house for her to call or contact her.

Yes your right! This week though I stayed in the city for a few drinks after work just to avoid going home to empty house and being bored. Also to show her that I have a life! But how do I show her things - can you give a few examples?

Having a few drinks in the city is not what I had in mind. The problem with that is you are very vulnerable right now. I've seen more than a few MB men run off with a new love in the middle of trying to recover their marriage.

What are your interests? If you have none, find some. Take a class, do a hobby, a sport, etc. Do you have any friends? If not, go out and find some. Do things with your son. I know he is very young, but take him to the zoo, the beach, the park, the mall. Kids that age are easy to impress.

Your time alone at home is an excellent time to paint a room or two and fix up the house so it (and you) are more desirable a place for her to be. Make the house a showcase, and in a couple of weeks, invite her over to see what you have done.

Hi Vladie, As much as I'm sooooo unqualified to offer advice, I have to agree with Believer and Shattered....for your own peace of mind, paint a room, work out, read Shakespeare... Anything to improve yourself

Lord knows it's not easy, but my sister in law(wife's sister) told me to do these things for myself.....not her...and it makes sense, when I can tell someone else to do it!!

Ron

Update:

Not a whole lot to report. Saw her friday she was going to cinema. She sent me a text saying "I am going with girlfriend just in case your wondering! Not at a point where I go to the movies by myself yet!". I just ignored that. Why sent that?

She has been pretty friendly lately. I invited her to spend sunday with me and our Son but she replied "I dont think
so". Later when dropping him to her we has some dinner and things were going well and then she said she got my solicitors letter. The one offering reconciliation.

She was saying that she thought we could sort this out ourselves and I said you were the one who started this and I don't want to discuss it. I think this is why she's been so friendly to me. She wants me to agree to a quick deal with her as to save on solicior's fees. I asked is that why you invited me over and she said no. I get upset when discussing these matters so I said I was leaving. I said you have my letter now the ball is in your court.

I spoke to another friend who I haven't seen in a while as WW has been spending time with her. She thinks WW is not with the programme at all. She thinks WW is definetely still 'in love' with OM but doesn't know if there is contact. She also says that WW is so scared of trying to work things out and feels that she has made the break now and thats it. Who knows??? I find it hard to believe that there is no contact. I just have a feeling but I have no way of verifing.

I was thinking of writing her a letter addressing all of her concerns and fears about recommitting and really spelling out a roadmap for recovery. Probably wasting my time I don't know? Plan A is getting harder as each day goes by as it really takes a lot out of you when you get rejected every time I invite her to do something with me and our Son. Makes you feel worthless.

Any suggestions? Mel haven't heard from you for a while, read my last few posts please and tell me what you think

ps She sent me a text on sunday asking were me and son having a good day and telling me she was in a beautiful house in a beautiful place owned by a female work collegue. I replied saying "seems you have the perfect life now that your a part-time parent" I know that was prop a LB but I couldn't help it. I really feel everything is really suiting her down to the ground

I suggest you start having a nice life too, and telling her about the wonderful time you are having without her.

If you continue to keep up with the little lovebusting jabs you say to her in nearly every encounter, you just as well learn to have fun by yourself, from now on.

You need to take Plan A more seriously and ELIMINATE the lovebusters. Every time you do this, it drives her away from you.

Plan A must be done as near to 100%, as close to 100% of the time as possible. To just "sort of" try at it will guarantee you misery.

Should I send this letter to WW?

WW

You asked me last night what I wanted out of all this. I thought that I had made my feelings very clear, but I don’t think that I did. I want to take the time to write this letter to you so there will be no doubt as to what I want for you, me and Max. Let me start by saying that I am fine. I am getting on with my life and there is no reason to worry about me or feel sorry for me. I was a strong person when you met me, I’ve been a strong person throughout the last few months and I am still strong.

When I found out about your affair I had two choices: end the marriage or fight to save our marriage. I chose the to fight. It was an easy decision. As you know, when I commit to something I take it very seriously and don’t give up when things get tough.
This is probably the toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with and I’m very proud of myself for the way I’ve handled the situation. When I made the decision to fight to save my marriage it meant exactly that. It didn’t mean that I would sit back like a wimp and hope things would all work out. I know you can’t see this now but maybe some day you will look back and realise how much I love you and how hard I fought for you.

I know that we had problems in our marriage. But seriously, people aren’t perfect. No relationship is perfect. But we made a vow. We vowed to stay together till death separated us no matter how bad things got. I believe in marriage and I take it very seriously. I made a commitment and I meant it and so did you. We did not say that we would only stay together until something we think is better comes along. As I said no marriage is perfect and every marriage requires work and growth through all the different stages of our lives. I am still committed to working on our marriage because I know that the best possible result for our family is that we commit to a plan for recovery and successfully restore love to our marriage. That would be the ideal situation.

I know what happened to us. Well I think I know. First of all I want to apologise and take responsibility for my part in contributing to the bad state of our marriage. I think I was too focused on my life and college and getting a better job and making sure that we would be financially secure in the future. But I forgot about NOW. I agree we didn’t talk to each other, we didn’t admire each other and we weren’t affectionate with each other. We really did, as you said live like roommates. When was the last time that we spent any time alone together? When was the last time we went away together? We never did that. We neglected each other – or at least I know that I neglected you. I never took an interest in your interests. Would you believe that we as a family never even had a holiday alone together? Hello! It’s no wonder that things happened the way they did. The thing I always thought was special about us is that we were always best friends. We did everything together and had great fun doing it. Sadly, somewhere along the line we lost that and we know the story from there.

I get the impression that you think that I’m desperate and needy and I want you back at all costs and don’t care what you want. I want to tell you know that this is definitely not the case. I care very much for your happiness. Firstly, I will not live in a loveless marriage for anyone. I won’t do it for you or I won’t do it for Max. That’s not what I’m saying at all and I’m sorry if that’s what I am putting across to you. I’ve read a lot and spoken to lots of people about recovering a marriage and believe me I know that its not easy. It’s a lot harder than calling it quits right now. Secondly, Max seems to be relatively unaffected by the way things are at the moment. There is no way that I would risk damage to him in the event of us splitting up again. There is no way that I would suggest you moving back home until we were as sure as we could be that we could make it work. My plan if you’re interested would be to take things extremely slowly. Start by spending time together as a family so we can see if we can have fun without fighting. In other words, to see if we can get past this. Then we could start going out on a few dates and get to know each other all over again. We have changed a lot in the last few months. And it’s weird but even after spending 16 years with you, I know that there’s a side to you that I’ve left relatively unexplored. I would love to get to know that side of you. In doing this, Max will not be affected at all. To him nothing will have changed so if it didn’t work out then he wouldn’t suffer at all.

I suppose that brings me to the question of why your so against trying to recover our marriage. Maybe you think it’s impossible, maybe you’re scared, maybe you still have feelings for yoshi or maybe it’s a combination of all these things. I know you’re probably saying it’s because you’re not in love with me anymore. Well let me say this. I don’t think I’m in love with you at this moment in time either. After everything that’s happened how could we be in love with each other! If we were in love with each other then we wouldn’t have a problem! From what I know, people don’t make the decision to recover your marriage because they are in love. They make the decision because they know that if they succeed, that it’s the best possible outcome for their families. What I’m saying is feelings follow actions. If you can say that yes, the ideal situation would be for us to be in love and completely happy then that’s a start. If that’s what we want then the feelings will follow our actions.

I’ve been talking to this couple in Sydney, she had an affair with a neighbour and when it was found out they moved in together. They lived together for a month but when she saw what it was doing to the kids she made the decision to move home. Her husband wanted to save the marriage. When she moved home she was still completely in love with the other man. She thought they were meant to be together and he was her soulmate. Only reason she came back was for the kids. Two years later and they are completely in love, happier than ever and just this weekend they renewed their vows. I just wanted to tell you about this to maybe give you a little hope that anything is possible. By the way, if you ever want to talk to either of them they would be happy to do so.

The last thing I want is for this letter to come across as ‘controlling’. I just wanted you to know exactly how I feel and try and offer you a little hope for our situation. It’s a lot easier for me to just write things down. I have done a lot over the past few months to try and change the things about myself that I know annoyed you. I know that I am in a much better position today to offer and give you all the love and happiness you deserve and to be the best husband and father that anyone could be. But in order for this to work, you would need to open up to me. Feel the love that I keep sending your way. I don’t want you back, I want you forward if that makes sense. I want a new and better life for all of us. I was not happy the way things were either and I won’t settle for that. I don’t believe parents should stay in an unhappy situation for the sake of the kids. But I do believe that we should do everything in our power to IMPROVE the situation for Max’s sake. There is nobody else in the world better qualified to be your husband then me, the father of your child. What greater gift could we give our Son than a happy home with parents who love him and love each other completely? What do we have to lose? I’ll leave you with a line I came across recently that I really like. “Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”

She won't read past the first few lines Vladie.

Maybe, but it would make me feel better. I don't think it could do any harm do you?

It will piss her off.

Well I've already sent it. At least it did me some good to write it. She has an impression of me as someone who's weak and will accept her back no matter what and I think this letter will show her exactly what I am willing to do to save our marriage while also enforcing my personal boundries.

I think you are making the mistake of assuming that your WW will interpret the letter the same way you interpret it.

I think you might be very wrong about that.

How do you think she will interpret it?

WW just called, not sure if she got my letter yet she didn't mention it. She said my sister had removed her as a friend from her bebo page. I wonder why! I feel better having wrote the letter now regardless of what she thinks

Vladie - What are you doing NOW to make a better life for yourself? This has got to be about the 50th time that you have offered a reconciliation that she has no interest in.