Our DS who is 2.5 is starting to play on the fact that he lives in two houses. WW has a 2 storey unit so she leaves him go to sleep on the couch and then puts him to bed when she goes. This is something that would have never happened in our house.

Getting DS to bed when he is with me is becoming a struggle. He won't go and kicks up a stink along with now saying last night that he wants to go to mummy's house. I sent WW a text saying we have to discuss this as its a crazy situation. I am looking for advise on the best way of handling it without any LB's.

Suggestions please????

That's the toughest part about our situation....My daughter is really ticked about having 2 houses as well, and has torn a strip of mom a couple of times. Seeing her cry about it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through.

I don't know that there is anything you can do directly....if you try to talk to her about it, it will likely sound challenging, which is not what you want. I think that her seeing the affect on your son is the best weapon you have.

Having said that, you have to make sure he is doing well, it's really tough on him, since he understands nothing about what's going on....do everything you can to make sure he's happy.


As far as him saying he wants to see mummy, don't take it personally....the poor kid is completely screwed up with all of this, and he's trying to get something he can't have. In your case, he wanted mom, and she wasn't there....When he's with her, he is probably saying he wants dad.

Thanks Ron,

Yeah she has mentioned a few times that on the first night back with her he does want me. But I am going to ask her to start putting him to bed and not leaving him sleep on the couch.

I don't think thats unreasonable but maybe in the mind of a WW it will be more justification. As in "he's trying to control what I do in my own place now"!

Comments please

Kids thrive on routine. It would be helpful if you both had the SAME bedtime ritual. It makes them feel secure.

My boys were always on a schedule - dinner, play time, bath, reading books, bed. It makes it so much easier on them and the parents. Mine always went happily to bed by 8:00PM, until they were teens.

What if she says "what do you want me to do? Move back home?" and not really meaning it?

There's not much you can do to dictate what she does in her own place......just do the best you can....if you have to talk to her about it, just stress that it's for your son's benefit.

My wife is in a one-bedroom apt. She shares the bedroom with our daughter, and when Steph comes to the house, she's asking to go to sleep in my bed. Not so much of a problem really...I pick her up after she goes to sleep, and bring her to her own room. It was working fine, it kept her happy......until that is, when she pee'd in MY bed!

Yes well our Son always sleeps with us anyway so thats not a problem. He still has a nappy at night though!

What if she says "what do you want me to do? Move back home?" and not really meaning it?

Comments???

I think children sleeping in the parents bed is a mistake, unless they are ill or need comforting in the night. On a regular basis it causes problems. But that is just my opinion.

I agree,

We were too soft with him. And it affected our intimacy too. We were about to put him in his own room when all this happened.

i agree believer.....it's just a matter of which battles you're prepared to deal with at any given time!

Right Ron. I kept my boys in a routine from the beginning, and I'm so glad I did. No bedtime struggles, and also they are both GREAT readers. At first I read to them, and later they were allowed to read before going to sleep. Usually they only lasted 10 minutes.

And after 8:00PM I was FREE!!! Lots of alone time to recharge, and also time to spend as a couple.

Actually they get into the routine very quickly. It will just be hard at first.

Vladie needs to discuss it with his wife. It sure will make the rest of his life more peaceful.

*mistake* is an understatement.

It caused major, MAJOR problems in my M!! It was a huge source of disagreement between my W and I, and was one of those things that contributed to the really huge rift that grew between us. Only now, in hindsight, does she agree with my POV. Children should NOT be sleeping in the marital bed on a regular basis!

In fact the master bedroom itself should be "off limits", because it can quickly become the living room, dining room, TV room and play room, and lose its value as a "sanctuary" and a place of intimacy for H and W.

Update:

Well the chat about having the same routine in both houses for DS turned into a train wreck. I got accused of dictating to her blah.......She had come from her cousin's house having discussed with her and she is a real b***h. She really fired her up and now I am trying to manipulate her into feeling guilty......

She also wanted a spare bed from the family home and I told her no, I was not supporting her with maritial assets. Again didn't go to well. I managed to calm things down a bit and just said I was concerned for DS. She calmed a bit too. I think she feels so guilty that anything I say is just sticking the boot in even though this wasn't.

I was going with DS to see friends we had bbq with on sunday and she said not to tell them anything. I told her I could speak to whom I wished as it is my life too. Anyway when I saw them they said that at the beach last week she was saying to them "wouldn't it be great if Vladie could meet someone....". I thought she wanted to spend time as a family but obviously not. She is just using me now until christmas. It feels horrible but a good opportunity to Plan A I know. But sometimes I feel like telling her to F off.

Also she said to a friend that she loves her new self and hates her old self and is glad that person is gone. She believes that herself and OM were together in past lives and is their destiny to find each other in as many lifetimes as possible. And this is her last time here as she is a very old soul.

How can I compete with this mentality? I need some encouragement please. I am feeling very hopeless.....

Oh, Vladie, hopefully she will get over her other life stuff as she goes through withdrawal. All you can do is give it your best.

Is she even in withdrawl??? I don't know. The way I am looking at it now is, they are still in contact and I can only concentrate on a good Plan A until after christmas. We are going to a christmas party as a family tomorrow

You have no control over whether or not she has contact. If you find out there IS contact, you can let the OM's wife know what is going on.

But her relationship with him is just so inappropriate that I'm sure it won't last. You just need to hang in there. Once of two things will happen - either you will have her back, or you will be so done that you won't care anymore. So things will be just fine.

I agree with believer.

Update:

Yesterday evening WW asked to come over to see DS. I said of course. She stayed about 2 hrs and then we all lay down in the bed to put DS to sleep. She then said "Idon't know if that will confuse him more or not". I told her thank you that she had made his day.

She then left and if coming over shortly and we're all going to a christmas party. I asked her to come over wed night so we could put up the christmas tree and maybe have a curry. She agreed.

All I can do is hope all this will start to plant a few seeds in her mind. Who knows?? She's impossible to read.

And Vladie, when you plant seeds in a garden, do you go out an hour later and see if the plants are growing yet? Same thing here. Plant seeds, pull weeds, give them water and sunshine, and WAIT.