My first post. Suspicious for years, confirmed by my wife about 2 weeks ago. She is hooking up with old flame/lover 3-4 times a year when she goes back to hometown(400 miles away) for past 5 years. Calls him on average, twice a week. She says it will hard to end the affair but knows she has to do it. My question, which I'm sure has been posted before, is: Do I let his wife know about what her hubby is doing with my wife or is that none of my business.

It absolutely is your business and is COMPLETELY necessary.

Your wife cannot be trusted, which is pretty clear in this case. So, in order to make SURE that no contact is enforced, this is achieved by exposing the affair. To the OM's wife, to your family, friends. Once the A is exposed to the light of day and reality hits, it makes it more likely that NC will stick.

You cannot believe a thing a wayward says. Do not rely on her promises of breaking things off. Take action

I agree and do it fast!!!

NC = "no contact"

She is going back to hometown in 3 weeks for a few days without me, which is normal. I was going to see if she would end it without me pressuring her, she says she will. This has been going on for a while so a couple of weeks or months I can survive.

Yes, NC= No contact.

I dont think you want to hear this but it is likely that your W is placating you by saying she will end it and it will be hard. More likely, the A will go deeper underground.

In order to ensure that NC is achieved, which is essential for recovery you MUST expose. The OM's W needs to know. There is a right way and a wrong way to expose. The "right" way means you do not tell your W you are planning this or give her any warning. To do so gives the guilty parties time to formulate a plan and put some "spin" on your story. Exposure must be swift and unexpected. I once heard someone here refer to it as a tsunami of truth. Thats pretty accurate.

Once exposure is in place, your wife needs to sit down and write a NC letter that YOU approve of and YOU mail. There are several examples of a good NC letter here that you can draw from.

Then, starts the hard work. Your W will go through withdrawal from her addiction. That is really what this is - an addiction. Believe me, there is nothing "special" about her feelings for this loser. He is not a "soulmate" or any other BS a wayward spouts. It is an addiction to how the OM makes her feel.

Withdrawal is not pretty. It pretty much means you need to identify and meet her emotional needs while she bemoans the loss of OM. It is not for the faint hearted. However, once you are through that - you can start to work on YOUR hurt and what she did TO YOU. A wayward in withdrawal is in no place to hear your pain.

This site is an invaluable resource. Use it. post here often. People will help you.

By and read Surviving an Affair for a start. YOU read this. Time to read books together w your W will come later. This book is an excellent start.

You CAN recover your M. You CAN do this.

Hang in there. I know how bad it hurts. Im rooting for you
JK

NO NO NO! Do not let this happen. Expose NOW. Do NOT give your W an opportuntity to "end it on her own" or spend ANYMORE time w OM.

To do that is to make a HUGE mistake.

A good time to tell OM's wife was YESTERDAY. I feel ya. I have been in your shoes. Believe me when I say, as will others here, Waywards Lie! She will tell you everything you want to hear and look you in the eye when she does it.

When she gets to her hometown, it will be business as usual for her. You will be sitting home with the warm fuzzies,
thinking she told you the truth. And you will be crushed..again..when you find out the truth.

You need the other pair of eyes on this, my friend.

Just a word of caution, your poll to tell here, so far, is
100% to tell. You can read on this forum of folks trying to do it "their" way, and they spin their wheels. Get thee some power in this and keep it. Be adamant about her writing the no contact letter and DO NOT tip your hand as to the exposure. Don't let her know your sources of info, either. My H's old GF didn't go easily.

huh? If she is going to END IT, that means she doesn't see or talk to him again. Ending means.......ENDING it. She should send him a letter as outlined in Surviving an Affair.

Contact the OM's wife and your W's parents and tell them about the affair. Then ask your W to send him a no contact letter ending all contact. And, she should never go home alone again. You should go with her! If you want things to change, you must change the environment.

Here is a sample of a letter your wife should send:

Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she�s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

How would you suggest contacting the other wife who I have never seen or met? I know her addy and phone#, in person is not possible due to distance. I am going back with my wife to hometown in late November but that's a long time from now.

Call her on the phone TODAY. Disguise your # using *67 and don't leave a message. [you don't want to tip off the OM] Just keep calling until you get her. Tell her all about the affair and give her your # so you can stay in contact with each other.

I would also strongly suggest that you call your W's parents on the SAME DAY and tell them about the affair since it is happening from their home. Tell them you are calling to ask their advice and support in saving your marriage.

And do not tell your wife you are going to make these calls before you do it.

Did you see what I said about your wife not going there alone again? You should go with her from now on.

Yes you need to tell OMW about the affair!!!

No, your wife should not "end it on her own without pressure from you". THIS SHOULD BE A JOINT EFFORT.

As ML has told you, this should NOT be done in person...this should be done via an NC letter that you have read and approved, and clearly sent FROM THE BOTH OF YOU so that OM sees a united front against the affair.

Also...there is NO WAY your wife should be going back there without you from now on. That will only set the stage for her affair to continue. You would be a fool to believe that she would go back there and NOT continue the affair. Agreeing with her going back alone is the WORST thing you can do at this point.

Tell her that you're ok with her going...if you go with her. But you're no longer comfortable with her trips there without you...for very good reason.

And...ML is again (of course) totally right about making sure that everyone back there knows what's going on, and is working WITH you to save your marriage. That's what exposure is all about.

Don't be afraid here...you know what the right thing to do here is...don't be afraid to insist on it.

Tough advice, I want to trust her. And I'm not really sure what telling her family would accomplish other than making my wife angry at me. I want her to make the decision on her own but after reading your input, I'm not sure that is the best thing to do. Thanks for your feedback, it helps me keep my sanity.
Is secretly recording my home phone and GPS tracking our vehicle going too far? Haven't done it yet, but seriously considering.

No that is not going to far. I have considered it myself. The WS will lie, unfortunately you have loved this person and they will lie right to your face without blinking an eye. So they say here it is "the fog" of the affair. I don't really understand it but it seems to be the same on all the posts.

Your WW CANNOT end it on her own. You CANNOT allow her to go back to her hometown BY HERSELF because she will just have sex with OM again. You can bank on it. You need to go back with her. If she refuses, that's when you expose to her parents. OMW should be notified immediately. Call her up and let her know what you've found.

OK...why do you want to trust someone who was PROVEN to you that she is (currently) NOT TRUSTWORTHY????

She has to EARN that trust back. Blindly giving that trust in this case is the WORST thing you can do. She's SHOWN you and TOLD you that she's lied to you...and take it from people who have been where you're at...she will CONTINUE to lie in order to keep her affair alive. We've seen it tons and tons of times.

Don't trust her right now. The way she gets that trust back is to show you that she is now acting trustworthy. That means she has to do everything possible to show you that she IS telling you the truth now. No more hiding, no more lying. This happened because you weren't part of her life when she went back home...and that's what set the stage for her to have her affair.

Tracking your home phone and your vehicle is not going too far, in my opinion. Nor would be getting her passwords to her email and cell phone, and insisting that she let you view both of those.

Telling her family would set the stage so that she can't go back and continue her affair, wouldn't it? Would her family put pressure on her to end her affair? Would they no longer see her spending time with this guy as some kind of harmless thing, but instead not support her in destroying her marriage?

Yes, it would make her angry. It would make her mad because it would prevent her from continuing her long term affair behind your back.

Think about all of this...what you're suggesting would simply ENABLE her to CONTINUE the affair. Is that really what you want? OR do you REALLY want her to stop the affair??? If that's what you want...then insist in measures that would make that happen.

Now, that would be silly to trust an untrustworthy person, wouldn't it? You already know that she is untrustworthy, it will not help the situation by pretending she can be trusted. She can't.


What it will accomplish is bringing the affair out in the open so it can be killed. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. And in the case of a long term affair, you can't afford to miss any step.


She WILL make the decision on her own, but you must apply as much pressure as possible to effect that decision. Keeping her secret is to ENABLE THE AFFAIR because affairs thrive on secrecy.


That is what you should be doing.

She will not end this on her own, she will say she did, but she will only go further underground with it.

Yes, she will be angry when you expose her, you uprooted her fantasy. Keylog your computer along with the GPS and phone recording.

Check her cell phone records, see if she has had any day trips where she could have met him half way, check her credit card statements for our of town gas purchases or motel stays. They will ditch work as long as they can pull off their meeting before they are due home. I'm afraid you may have just uncovered the tip of the iceberg.

MEL...will you QUIT reading my mind and posting the same stuff I am at the same time?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />