I am not even sure I should be posting here because it really seems to be my fault. Sorry if my story is too long. There are just so many things to say.

My wife and I were very happy together. The she graduated and find a job in another state far away from me (my fault to let her go). I couldn't visit her very often (my fault #2) and my phd research did not go well (my fault #3).

This summer, she told me that she could not take the life pressure anymore. She said "let's be friends for the next 2 years and see what happens". She cried so much, I agreed. She went to visit China during summer for 2 months.

Later, I began to suspect whether there is OM. I asked her, she refused to answer. Then she said, "I am not looking for OM, but if I am moved by OM's pursuit, it is because of my disappointment in you". Then later she admitted there is OM, then admitted she loves OM more than me. I was despaired, but I still love her. So I told her I will work on my problem (study hard and graduate asap) and just wanted her to be happy.

Things seem to get better. Lately, she asked me to go to her state to help her buy a car. I discovered on her computer the she is so deeply in love this person, that in her internet chatting history she said she would choose to hurt me than to hurt him if she had to choose. "you are my whole world and future". She even booked a flight (OM also went to another city in China) for OM to flight to her city so they can meet in her hotel room!

I did not tell her that I know these details. But I mention to her that if she want to pursue her happiness on OM, I am ready to accept it. But she said she is still thinking. She said she is not sure what she wants exactly and whether her definition of happiness is right of not. But she claim that before (even during our marriage) she didn't really believe in love, but now she believes love and love never fails.

She is a Christian, and she even justifies her unfaithfulness using God's name saying, "love is God's great gift to human being, I feel no shame in front of Him".

I am not sure whether my problem is unique or not, but she clear admitted to me that she loves OM and felt no shame of continuing to love him now.

I am really despaired. I even suspect maybe she did find her true love such that she has this courage.

I tried to ask her to go to her pastor. She first refused, later said "you can tell him whatever you want, I have nothing to hide."

I am still working on my thesis, and we will have to continue be far way in space. Although she is nice to me now, but I know in her heart, she is all for OM. Out of my despair, I searched and found this website. Do I have hope in saving my marriage?

Thank you!

By the way, we are marriage for 4 years now, no children.

If it's only been four years now and there are no children, I would get out. Adultery this quickly in the marriage is a sign of bad things to come. If you chose to fight, you will need to live in the same location together for the rest of you life, regardless of career ambitions. Read up on the first few posts on this board for newly betrayed spouses. It will be your roadmap.

She seems to be quite the cake-eater. She pursues the OM, continues to cheat on you and tells you she is thinking and and telling you lets be friends for two years so she can continue to be in another relationship. This is absurd and you deserve better than this. I would suggest that you contact an attorney. She tells you she is thinking so you would be the fall back guy if this OM dumps her. You are married and she has totally abandoned you and is involved with another man who she would pick over you. Move on and find someone else who can respect you and the values of a marriage because she has made a complete mockery of your marriage and treating you like a fool. Enough is enough. I wish you luck.

Update:
I told my mother-in-law about the situation. She called my wife. Then recently my wife emailed me saying that she has always been feeling sorry for the pain she brought to me and she is trying to feel our love again, "Yet love is not in my control", she said, "I just want you know I am trying."

Then I ask her to cut off her connection with OM if we agree to work on our marriage, but she said she cannot do it. She said she had tried and felt lonely and cold, and found herself crying.

I don't know whether it is wise or not, but I decide to contact her less frequently and let things cool down since right now she is so additive to OM. My only option seems to be waiting, because strangly, I still love her and want this marriage to be fixed.

I guess another reason I want to wait is that the OM is only 18 years old (she does not know that I know this fact), and my wife and I are almost 30. I think they may later find out their love is not as good as they believe right now, and she may realize what she really wants. But I could be wrong. Any way, I am willing to wait for 6 months.

Oh, this affair will end. They always do, and especially since the OM is so young.

You need to concentrate on your thesis and making a wonderful life for yourself. Continue to Plan A your wife, and don't discuss your relationship.

If you get too depressed and can't continue your thesis, see a doc for some anti-D's. In the meantime, be sure to read all of the things here on how to have a better marriage.

MIL has been on my side. She recently asked me for the number of OP. I did not give it to her because I am not sure whether it is a good idea for her to call OP. Any suggestion? Thanks!

YES!!!

I agree with the others that this A will not last. He is only 18! I am wondering where he get's the money to fly to china to meet WW?

Your W sound infatuated with the OM......I doubt very seriously they have a single thing in common. He really is just a kid. I too agree that this A is temporary. The problem is......will your W ever get over him......she sounds like a 15yr old dating in HS.

I think there are two reasons I am hesitating to give the number of OP to my MIL.
1. My wife will know that I have been checking her phone bill and hide her activities deeper, then I will lose my only way of learning her relationship with OP.

2. She suddenly becomes very nice to me for the past two days. She called me everyday and we had nice and long talks. I was careful not to mention our relationship. She did not call OP (neither did OP call her) during these two days.

I am a little bit confused right now. I think she might be having problems with OP. According to the call records, they had a 3-hour talk four days ago, and an 11-minute talk three days ago (they usually talk for over an hour when they call each other). So I think I will wait for a few days, if they engage a long talk again (they usually don't talk over phone everyday), I will let more people that can help know about the situation.

StartinOver: Now that you mentioned "things in common", I recall my wife told me that she had nothing in common with OM (cannot recall why she said that). But I guess she does not need to have anything in common to fall in love with OM.

One interesting thing:

There was a "blocked number" calling my wife's cell this morning. Seems like somebody was hiding the caller ID. This has never happened before. It could be OM, or could be a spammer.

Grab your balls and go!

Quit dilly-dallying, and give your MIL the number. Don't let fear paralyze you. MIL calling OM is the best thing that could happen, although you may not see the results immediately.

Wife emailed me today saying I have put too much pressure in her life. She said I let the whole world knew our problem and everybody is asking her why, and it was cruel to her to uncover again and again to people her wounds caused by our marriage.

But I just told MIL and a friend of ours, and they hasn't even mentioned to her that they knew the affair. I wonder how she will react if they tell her that she shouldn't have the affair.

She said she is too tired to force herself and work on our marriage again, and I should get her space to breathe and plan her own life because she has other pressure besides me. She said if I truly love her, I should not tell her what is the right way to live but to let her live her way without intervention.

I wonder if I should expose her more (I did not expose her to her pastor yet), since she sounds so depressed already and I don't want her to suffer more.

I think maybe it is time to totally forget this A and focus on building up my future so that she sees more reasons to come back.

She doesn't like the pressure the A is putting on her. Keep turning up the heat. You can focus on improving yourself at the same time. Don't apologize for exposing her. Just keep telling her that you are still trying to save this M how you feel neccessary.

My wife called me and cried. She said things are not that serious but I let everyone in her life know and she feels that she has nowhere to hide.

She very seldom cries. Although I managed not to apologize for exposing her (really she didn't know I have exposed her affair yet, she just knows I told people we had marriage problem), her tears softened my heart. I feel more for her rather than the affair. I told her let's forget the past and move forward. So pretty much I have released all the pressures I have built up so far.

I am feeling very complicated right now. I simply cannot ignore her tears. But I guess I can still continue plan A.

Your marriage will not get any better until you and her are in the same location. While you are plan Aing and trying to end her affair, you need to be trying to eradicate the conditions that made this possible. If that means making some career sacrifices, so be it, but you need to live together after this semester, or your attempts at saving your marriage will be futile. If you aren't going to move with her, then you might as well cut her loose. I'm sorry if I'm blunt, but I don't want you thinking that your M can be saved without this happening.

Wife may have flew to OM.
Phone records show that she got up at 5:20AM yesterday (she never got up so early). Then her cell was turned off, turned on again after 4 hours. Since then she only took my MIL's call and OM's call. No more calls (in or out) since 12:58PM yesterday until now.
she did not attend church meeting yesterday evening (never missed before), church members could not reach her, either.

Frustrated.

Re-expose to the inlaws. Also, find out who OM is and expose to his family.

I know who OM is (he is an undergraduate student), but I don't know his family. I don't know how to find out his family. I will try.