wife of 19 years says she is done with the marriage, says she loves me and cares for me but not romantically, we have two children. i do not want to lose her.she recently lost 110
pounds. is a lot more confident. she says she is not sexually attracted to me. does not know if she ever was. i don't see how this possible. we only had conflict with the sex issue over the years. i am heart broken. please somebody let me know if there is any hope. we are going to mc on monday, she holds out little hope. help

There is not much detail to go by in your post, but there are several red flags that would point to her having an affair. If so, that would be the first thing to deal with.

AGG

Hi, welcome to MarriageBuilders - though I am very sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. Rest assured this is the best place to get help.

It would be helpful if you posted a few more details - did this come out of the blue, taking you by surprise? Have you had a lot of conflict in the marriage before this? Do you think you've been neglecting her?

I have to say, though, the way you describe it makes it sound very sudden, which combined with your wife's choice of words (love you, but not romantically) makes me strongly suspect there is another man in the picture. I think your wife is having an affair.

Don't despair - if this turns out to be the case, there are a number of things you can do that can give you the best possible shot at recovering/restoring your marriage.

Do you think it's possible?

I notice you posted this message here (Emotional Needs) and in the Resolving Conflicts forum. I'd recommend also posting it in the General Questions II forum, because I strongly suspect infidelity.

I also recommend you read everything at this website. Lots of information on how to meet Emotional Needs, how to eliminate Love Busters (the things you do that tear down her love for you), and how to restore intimacy. Read all this material TODAY, if possible.

And keep posting. This is a great place for support.

do not believe she is having affair. says she is not happy, she told me if she had not lost all the weight she probably would not think about leaving. she says she has felt this way for a long time but did not want to hurt me.she just announced this last week after a small fight about sex. i dont understand how she could say she loved me for 19years and say she never had sexual attraction. we have two children. she has always been a great mother, great wife except for our sex life. i cannot believe she never said anything until last week. i put up with her feelings about sex, because i always thought things would get better. not a clue this was coming.. iam scared to death. am i fooling myself in thinking there is any hope. this sucks!!!

Well, when things change so suddenly, it is usually a red flag, that's all. I don't understand the part about "she wouldn't be thinking about leaving if it weren't for losing the weight" - huh?.

I'd suggest a little bit of snooping just to make sure there are no third parties involved, then start focusing on understanding and meeting her ENs, etc - the usual MB stuff.

AGG

i could not believe that statement about not leaaving me if she had not lost weight either. just a side note that i did not think of. she has become obsessed about her weight loss. she walks miles a week at least. she works out at the gym 3 days and goes to weight watchers one a week. little time for hubby and the kids. i do not begrudge her losing weight i think itis wonderful, but there has to be a balance. she has beocme self obsessed, and i think that is a major problem,the kids do not even ask any more when she will home at night.

I'm sorry to say this, but everything you write about her just jumps out at me as an affair situation. Please don't dismiss this idea out of hand. Please investigate the situation. If she is having an affair, you need to know about it so you address the situation the right way.

Again, I recommend you post this same post in General Questions II (the infidelity section), and see what they say over there.

1954,

Please listen to AGG and CC...seriously snoop. Read all her emails, check her cell phone...she's not only "loves but not in love" with you...she's rewriting your marital history.

And it's hitting you like a Mac Truck...

Don't take it as the truth.

Respect it's HER truth, right now. Wasn't the week before last.

Switching obsessions (I would hazard a guess she was obsessed with you, then mothering, now transforming) just highlights her pattern. Doesn't say a thing about you, 'k?

Most likely she's at the very least developed a fantasy affair in her head...doesn't have to be with a real guy, even...and worse case, someone from the gym is her AP.

That doesn't end your marriage. Listen to CC...he knows!

Means you can't save your marriage if you don't know the truth...and asking her will not get you the truth...just her truth.

Mid-life crisis doesn't mean no A, either. They go hand in hand because there is no balance...you nailed it...only spirals.

Think of a boomerang here, rather than "self-obsession"...for 19 years she sees herself as sacrificing for everyone else and now it's her turn to get the good stuff...the great big payoff...to do for her what she chose not to do for years.

In this weight loss and workout...remember other factors going on...testosterone goes up...usually, libido with it when we lose weight by creating muscle. We burn hotter, become aggressive...not solely from the transformation, either.

I don't hear what you're saying to her...or the kids. Have you taught your children to avoid conflict? Don't speak the truth as they see it or ask for what they want?

Do you know how to share your stuff with your wife? Read up on Plan A...how you find out the truth, expose, work on your love busters, your half of the marriage, and begin to transform yourself...to really shine.

And do not doubt this woman loves you...she's chosen you every single day for 19 years. Resentment is like crap that hardens OVER the loving feelings...blocks them from being felt.

I believe what your wife is experiencing is this formula Gimble provided us:

The embodiment of an affair is entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Look at all three of those within yourself...find out what you resent, where it hurts, what you believe is true (and it's okay to believe differently than your wife), and if you act from respect or not.

She'll do MC...find a GREAT one...require them to be pro-marriage, versed in Harley's research and plans, and that MC requires homework...communication and intimacy exercises...

Get "Surviving an Affair" and read it ASAP.

And I don't think she's nuts for saying that about the weight loss...I believe she's really poor at communication and you guys have reached a crisis because of it.

Not just her, either. How well do you listen and repeat? How often do you hear what she's saying, respond with "I heard you say" to confirm or clarify what she meant? Don't take what she says straight into your heart...you'll miss your grimy assumption filter which makes communication difficult between humans.

Own your filter and your pain will be cut in half. What she thinks, believes, perceives and how she views is her stuff...as are the feelings which result in her. Not you doing, 'k? Know your own stuff...and speak of your stuff with her.

Have you read all the articles on this website? Basic Concepts? Four Rules of Marriage? Have you identified your own Love Busters and ENs?

Welcome...listen to these seasoned, marvelous posters. They are here for you. They've been in your shoes. And I can feel the pain of hearing those words again, too. Ouch.

We hear you.

LA

LOVING, THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTIONS. I HAVE READ EVERY PIECE OF INFORMATION ON MB. GREAT INFORMATION, IN FACT SHOWED MY WIFE SOME OF THE INFORMATION ON BASIC CONCEPTS. I JUST TOLD MY TWO OLDER CHILDREN THEY ARE BLOWN AWAY. MY DAUGHTER SAID THIS WAS THE WORST REASON TO END A MARRIAGE OF 19 YRS. WE BOTH MAKE MISTAKES CONCERNING LOVE BUSTERS AND EN. WE HAVE ALWAYS GOTTEN ALONG VERY WELL. VERY LITTLE CONFLICT. ALOT IN COMMON. I BELIEVE SHE IS CONFUSED, I BELIEVE MY WIFE IS CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT REAL LOVE IS . I TOLD HER IT IS HOW WE TREAT EACH OTHER WITH KINDNESS AND SUPPORT AFFECTION RESPECT.THE TWO YOUNGER CHILDREN KNOW WE ARE HAVING PROBLEMS AND ARE GOING TO MC. SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT JER COMMITMENT TO THE MARRIAGE IS LOVE. I WISH I COULD WAKE HER UP. I Haved checked , i do not believe she is having an affair.

How many children do you have? You refer to "two older children" and "two younger children", but I thought you only have two?

Also, something is still escaping me - she lost 110 lbs, and cites that as the reason to end the marriage? Help me out here, what is she saying - were both of you overweight, and now she is not and sees you as a loser? or was only she overweight, and you were mean to her, so now she is getting back at you?

Regarding "real love", be careful. That is exactly what happens when someone has an affair. To you, real love is the mature love you feel for your longterm partner (and I agree). But to someone in an affair, the feeling of "new love", butterflies, etc, feels like "real love", to which the mature love feels boring in comparison. So I'd say you got a big red flag on your hands there. Why do you think all people in affairs give the classic "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech to their spouses? Because they have felt butterflies for someone new.

I'd keep looking, I think something is not adding up. When you say you "checked", what does that mean?

AGG

What are the caps about, 19?

Okay, no affair.

Very little conflict can also be very little connection. How intimately do you know each other right now? Do you share your thoughts, your stuff, readily? Are you open and honest? Do you ask for what your marriage requires? Those 15 hours of UA in non-crisis marriages is really important.

I had no idea how important.

Identify your LBs and eliminate them...get to the heart of the permissions you've had to do them. Share your experience of doing this with your wife.

Date her. Go to the gym with her. Print out the Recreational Inventory and go through it with her...find what's new and fresh to experience together. Play together.

Stop wanting to wake her up and check your own wakefulness. I'm not saying you're the bad guy...nor is she...I learned what I craved most I was least giving. It's normal in humans. We don't understand our own signals. Get your signals.

What's her top ENs? Own how you meet them...examine and know your own awareness, presence is totally under your control. Her absence is not.

There's a ton of thinking time at the gym. I believe she'll recover her sexual attraction for you as you elminate the LBs and share your stuff as your own. Hear hers and repeat what you heard.

Please accept this warning not to educate her in any way. You can share your beliefs with her...do not tell her that hers is wrong. Do not insist she read MB...you invite and let the outcome go. Treat right now as a true crisis, take her stuff seriously...use it to look inside yourself with abject honesty.

Do not choose to believe this is the end of your marriage.

You're being proactive (MC and talking)...continue and increase your loving actions...no doormat...and sharing.

Would you believe you both got along well if you found out for years she didn't want to rock the boat, share her stuff for her own fear of conflict? Doesn't mean you made her afraid, mind you. Would you welcome hearing her truth over getting along?

You may experience your marriage as if she has been open and honest and sharing all the way through...because you do. Just as you shared your excitement over discovering MB. Her truth may be very different. Thank her for sharing her stuff right now...her bravery in telling you what she's thinking and feeling. Even when it hurts...knowing is better than being withheld from...even worse, when we don't KNOW they are withholding.

Thank you for being here and posting.

LA

agg i have followed her, she doesn't really have time to have an affair. she spends most of her time dealing with losing weight. and we usually travel together back and forth to work. the kids. i apologize the older kids are from 1st marriage they are 30&25. the two younger ones are my wife and mine. great kids.she is not saying she wants to leave me because weight loss. she says she has no sexual feelings for me . she says not for a long time.she says she feels nothing when i touch her. when we do have sex she always has an orgasm. but she says that is a bodily function. i told her that wasnt true completely, because emotion affects the orgasm also. i would think that if you were so turned off orgamsm would be more difficult. but i do not know. i know i am rambling. sorry. grasping at straws. love my wife very much but not very happy with her right now.

1954,

Good year, the movie THEM came out. One of my favorites of all time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My bet...the affair is going on at the gym. Someone there is complimenting her, working with her, and sharing deep discussions with her. The affair may not be physical YET, but something is really wrong and I doubt it is you.

Keep checking and look to see if she has another cell phone, or makes many calls to the gym. Keep your eyes open, and quit trying to educate her. Start to see if you are LBing her, stop if you are. Start to meet more of her needs, and really really understand plan A.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

just learning whatis plan a

Check out this information about Plan A by a poster named Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

Agree with JL and the others. I smell an affair in the woodpile, 1954. It is likely at the gym. I would suggest hiring a PI to tail her for a couple of days. She is saying all the things we hear from affairees.

went to mc last night she seems more resolved than ever to end it all. she seens to want to justify her decision, that will not happen. she is living in a fantasy world, after we got back from mc i walked up to her and said i am disappointed in you i thought you were not a quitter, i hnaded her my weddubg ring, she would not take it, she said it is mine. she doesnt seem to like my new stance. told her i did not want to talk about what went on at the mc only small talk.

1954 -

Look, buddy, you've come to the right place if you want to save your marriage - but in order to have the best shot at doing that, you have to read the material here and come up with a plan.

It sounds to me like you are going by the seat of your pants. The trouble is, when dealing with the breakdown of a marriage, your instincts are almost always wrong.

This is ESPECIALLY true when there is infidelity involved, and from reading everything you have written on all of your threads, I am still thinking your wife is having an affair!

Right now you are reacting to your wife - but you need to be working a plan. The one thing you need to realize is that right now she does not see your marriage as an attractive option - so if you want to save it, you need to lock up your Taker and make the marriage an attractive option for her. And that means you have to be making choices that override the natural reactions you have to going through the hurt and pain you are feeling right now.

When I found out, 2 and a half years ago, that my wife wanted a divorce, I saw all of the complaints she had about me over the years. Well, I had complaints, too, but the one thing I quickly grasped was that I couldn't stop her from leaving if she really wanted to. If I wanted to stay married, if I wanted her to stay, I had to make the marriage an inviting option for her. And that's what I did.

That's what you need to do, but that isn't the natural reaction one has to this kind of stress - which is why you need a plan to save your marriage. Have you got a plan? Have you been thinking about a plan? That's where MarriageBuilders comes in.

One thing that might benefit you would be phone counseling with Steve Harley, the founder of this site and the son of Willard Harley, who developed the MB methods. The number is here on the website, and he is supposed to be very good at getting the reluctant spouse on board. If your wife refuses to do this, he can help you come up with a plan to save your marriage.

Please think about it. Your marriage is too important to be making lasting decisions based on temporary emotions. That's what she is doing. If you do it, too, you'll most likely end up divorced. Instead, take charge of the situation, develop a plan, stick to your plan - and you'll have the best chance of saving your marriage.

So many people here have done just that - no reason why you can't, too...

Wow. I don't have enough time to pick this whole paragraph apart but I can certainly sum up that your M is doomed unless you start changing some core behaviors. As CC stated you have the power to make your M an attractive option to your W.

Being disrespectful and making invalidating statments like "she's living in fantasy world" and doing things that are reactionary and contradictory are only going to confuse her and push her away. You can't call her a quitter and then hand her your ring. Showing her that you are quitting as well.

Hopefully someone else can point out the error in these statements.

1954, this train is not going forward until you have the truth out in the open. She is saying all of the classic things a typical affairee will say. I would get to work and see if there is an affair and rule it in or out. I don't see how you can go forward until you find out the truth.


She is probably going to MC, not to resolve your "issues", but to use as a cover in order to say she tried before seperating. It sounds to me like she has one foot out the door right now.

Its time to WAKE UP, 1954 and get to work here. I believe she is having an affair and this is hopeless unless you get that out into the open and kill the affair. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer.

If you allow her to keep this a secret, I will tell you how this is going to go down. She is going to go to a few more mc sessions and talk about how "unhappy" she is and needs a "seperation." She will move out, or kick you out and then once seperated, she will "start" dating some stud from the gym. She can justify this by saying she is "seperated" and therefore, entitled to date.

When it gets to this place, it will be much harder to save your marriage because the risk of divorce goes up when seperated AND you will have forfeited all the leverage you have against the affair because she is no longer living as a married person.

Please get to work, my friend. Rome is burning and you are fiddling. Get the goods about the affair NOW before its too late. If you have the TRUTH we can help you save your marriage. And DO NOT go to marriage counseling anymore. She is not going there to save your marriage, but to facilitate your break up.