Interesting LC...Why?

Mrs. W

Speaking for FWH his greatest fear has been that I would tell him to leave, he would lose his life, his family, "his love".

For me the BS:

1. there are questions I won't ask because I'm terrified of the answers and the further hurt.
2. That he will do it again, even though I believe he is truly remorseful (I can't understand anyone EVER doing this to anyone, I still don't get it)
3. Finding out I was wrong to try, losing it all anyway, and never being able to trust any else to spend my time with again (Thank God for dogs)
4. Facing the truth, that I really don't want to be super woman, capable of doing it alone if I had to, I don't really want to be alone.
5. Discovering that there really is some horrible fault about me, that I don't know and couldn't change anyway, that is the cause of it all.


The list could go on, but the tears get in the way when you think about the fears.

FTS

These two fears had resonance with me.

My H left a couple of weeks ago, and I'm struggling to be supermom. I put on a tough veneer around him, but I want his help, I want his companionship, and it hurts to be alone.

But then again...this is the same guy who made such lovely statements to me as, "You're pretty, and guys are going want to date you. But once they get to know you, whoa nelly." I communicated this to a friend, who told me that his statement was akin to emotional abuse. I hadn't seen it that way, but it opened my eyes to other things he has said to me over time to put me down. I have friends coming out of the ying yang to support me through this, so I know I'm an OK person. But it hurts when the person you once loved and admired more than anyone has such a low opinion of you. I know he said these things to support his affair, but the seed has been planted.

What is there to fear???

WS betrayed me and our family.

She's had unprotected sex with another man.

Almost half of my retirement is now hers.

Could it get any worse?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

It's funny, but I really can't say anything riles me up anymore...

I think the biggest thing I'm afraid of is that I'll stop loving her...that I'll give up.

Wow!! This list is scary to say the least!!!

My fears...
1. That my children who were molested by my STBXH will seek out abusive relationships in the future.

2. That my two boys will turn into molesters themselves

3. That my STBXH will not get prosecuted for what he did to my next-to-the-youngest DD. He will be out of prison in 2011 if things go his way.

4. When he gets out, he stalks our family and continues his voyeursim... peeking at us any chance he gets.

5. I will never be able to have a truely healthy adult relationship with a man.

6. What will my STBXH's next move be when he gets out... sexual gratification completely out of his life... will he turn into a murderer next?

7... The list goes on... I'll stop there.

I used to have many of the same fears you all are feeling. That was then..... as for now....

Well, I completed a strong plan A, made my changes, stood firm, identified my personal and M boundaries, implemented plan B, sprinkled a bit of reverse babble (as needed) and wah la!.... The fears shrank! Yep, was as if MB was the detergent that washed that A right out of my life. Will it stay out? Time will tell.

I have learned to control what I can and toss what I can't. I know I can't control my H so he has t/d that himself. We each need to meet each other's needs and when that doesn't happen.... then there is a warning period. If that doesn't work....out comes plan B. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yep, I keep plan B in my back pocket. Haven't said that in a while but to all you who haven't heard it before..... it works.... least for me it does.

My fears of the A and all related crap..... doesn't hang over me. I've got it down to a size I can handle.

What was lost is the innocence of our M. I can't dwell on it's loss, just know it and move forward. It is up to H to make our future worth being together for...since I have informed him that when he was a WS, he taught us HOW to live WITHOUT him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That is his fear. WE do not how to survive w/o him. Hm........ he needs us more than we need him........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Fear can sometimes be a healthy thing. Just gotta keep it in perspective. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

I'm afraid:
WH won't really "get" what he did and the hurt he's inflicted.

WH will continue to be self centered and only do what he thinks is necessary to rebuild our M.

I won't be able to ever let go of this. Their messages play over and over in my head.

I will slowly but surely hate him.

I will have to go to Plan B.

I will never feel confident again.

so many things......

Now that you know your fears, what is your next step?

Mrs. W


Edited to add: I would like to preface this and say I certainly believe everyone's fears are valid and am not saying you shouldn't have these fears.


But don't you think he would ask? Based on what I have read here, I believe you have given him plenty of indications you will be up front and honest.

I know it's said that a BS can't ever really know, but I always felt it was my "job" to make sure my DH had the most accurate information. He has told me many times if he had an issue or a question he would ask and he has to clarify something. I believe he will again if the need arises and don't worry that he is withholding info or questions from me.

Right after the polygraph discussion came up here I mentioned it to my DH. He and I both knew Mr Rlt was hiding something because if he wasn't it wouldn't have been an issue. I also mentioned I would be completely comfortable taking a polygraph because I have told him everything and have nothing to hide. His reply was it certainly wouldn't be necessary because he felt confident he knew everything, but knows he could ask me if anything ever came up.

I just assumed you and Mr W have had similar conversations and he possibly told you a similar reply. I was just surprised this was a worry of yours.


As we all know anything is possible, it just surprised me you said this. Do you not feel secure in your relationship? Even just a slight bit of insecurity, even subconsciously, can cause these feeling and dreams or so I've been told by a friend who is awesome at dream interpretation.

I'm not saying you do this, but it sort of crossed my mind and I wondered if you have a history of being a worrier. Pre-therapy I was a chronic worrier. I worrried about anything and everything and always imagined the worst case scenario.

Maybe I'm just too laid back now, but worrying got me nowhere and I have chosen to be very picky about what I worry about. I wasted so much time and energy worrying about the "what if's". I do believe this is why I had a little trouble coming up with things I fear since the A and d-day. I have made a choice not to be a worry wart like I use to be. If something were to happen I will deal with it, but in the meantime I don't worry about it.

Of course I'm not free from worries in general, I have just learned how to control it.

I'd written this down earlier this year, when I wanted to discuss our fears with my FWW. They haven't changed.

1. I’m afraid that she’s not being truthful to me about some of the things that she did or did not do during our M prior to her A. What I know about her now is different to what I knew about her then, and what I know about her now, and the way that her A progressed, suggests that it’s quite possible that other things may have happened, and someone else may have been involved, during our M years prior to this A.

2. I’m afraid that she’s not being truthful to me about some of the things that she did during her A. I’m concerned that she might be glossing over or downplaying some of the details in order to lessen her role, or minimize the things that she did, during her A.

3. I’m afraid that she’s still holding on to some memories or details of her life that she prefers not to share with me.

4. I’m not afraid of us eventually ending up apart. I’m more afraid that something like this would happen again and this time she’d choose to keep it from me and once again I’d be spending my life living in someone else’s lie.

5. I’m afraid that I will never meet her needs or requirements for a partner for life.

6. I’m afraid of personal failure.

Hi LC...

I appreciated hearing your input...Let me see if I can explain those two fears a little better...

YES, Mr. W and I have had many conversations regarding his knowing that he does know all...My fear is completely about me (like most personal issues-lol) and based in something that happened years ago to us...Actually part of my own radical honesty regarding the affair is due to it as well...

Here goes...When we got engaged, I received a REALLY hateful anonymous card in the mail saying something along the lines of "Congrats, too bad Mr. W had to sleep with so many of your friends before he finally asked you"...It went on to list a couple of names...Nice, huh? At the time Mr. W assured me that it was completely false...Over the years I continued to ask if that card had ANY truth to it...I was told unequivocably "NO" over and over...

Fast forward eight years later to my affair and Dday...FINALLY it comes out that he had indeed slept with one of the women named in that card-a few times...We were actually broken up at the time that it occured, but I had still been lied to for our entire engagement and marriage...That stung...

We had socialized with this particular person a TON...She caught the bouquet at our wedding...We went on several out of town trips that included her...She held our dd when she was a baby...OMG, the week of our wedding she actually slept with my little brother...PUKE...All that time I never knew...

And so, of course, I have over and over asked if he slept with the other woman mentioned in the card-who btw, is my dearest friend here-I'm the Godmother of her dd...He swears no...Honestly, after everything that we've been through I do believe him, but I would be lying if I said I didn't occasionally wonder...See and THAT is why I realize how damaging and painful that continued lies are...I've lived but a small portion of what some of the BSs around here go through...I totally get it...Anyway, anytime there has been any amount of dishonesty and deceit I think it is normal for people to at least sometimes on some level wonder...


As far as being worried about being a BS is concerned...Well, Dr. Harley says that it is the BS that is at the greatest risk to have an affair-I trust Dr. Harley...And I also KNOW firsthand how easily affairs can develop...I don't think many BSs realize how uncalculated that it really is...Not that it isn't a choice, it is, but those slight, almost imperceptible boundary movements certainly don't FEEL like choices when you are caught up in it do they? Only later can you look back and see them so clearly...Hey, I had always said I would NEVER have an affair, and I did...So yeah, it scares me...Nothing is impossible...

I did say that that particular fear is largely irrational based on the way our marriage is now and what we've both learned here...Thanks to MB, we have actual PLANS on how to avoid and resist temptation...

I don't spend my life worrying about these fears-maybe I do subconciously, based on my nightmares, but they don't happen all the time thankfully...Also, I realize that I have no control over anything other than me...I will deal with whatever I have to deal with as part of my life experience...I know that God won't give me more than I can handle!

Thanks again for your thoughtful input LC! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Mrs. W,

Wow, I was stunned to see that you worry that your H doesn't know how sorry you are.

I often wonder if Skirmisher thinks about stuff like that. Frankly, I don't think he does and I know that he doesn't worry about me having an affair.

To be completely honest, I wish he wasn't so darn sure. That said, I am pretty sure I would never have an affair. During my marriage to Skirmisher, I have never even given a second glace at another man, except maybe some super stud movie star, just for looking. Funny, in a former assignment I used to occasionally interact with celebrities and once, at a reception, a member of a very well known rock band (named after a major US city) actually tried to pick me up. I was shocked and more than a little flattered to be honest. I played it off and pretended that I wasn't hearing the words.

It is interesting as well just how much damage those seeds of doubt can be. Even when you are recovered, they can still start to sprout occasionally.

That is one of the reasons I try to advise new BS not to talk to the OP, especially if the A is over. I talked to OW and she was hurt, angry and vengeful enough to plant some seeds of doubt. Some of the things she said I knew were lies, but others, well, I have no real way of ever knowing.

Mostly, I don't let it bother me, but there are still times when................

Who

Hmmm...Who, I'm not sure what is stunning about that-I'm pretty normal I think--lol...The only way Mr. W could really KNOW how sorry I am is to be able to read my mind or actually BE me for a day...Obviously those things aren't gonna happen...It's just REALLY, REALLY important to me that he KNOW, and yet he really can't KNOW completely-that is frustrating to me...Infidelity sucks that way, eh? I do believe that he knows in the best way that is humanly possible...

And NOW, I have new fears based on Orchid's post...


ACK!!! That seems terribly unequitable to me...Not at all how someone in a recovered marriage should feel-I'm confused and scared by reading that...

I took this to Mr. W, and we agree that we both CHOOSE to love AND need each other...Dr. Harley says that a marriage should be INTERDEPENDENT...I recognize that BOTH Mr. W and I could exist without the other, but I sure don't want that...I have to trust that he doesn't either...The evidence supports my belief so far, by the Grace of God we are still married and are together learning to be interdependent...


OH WOW, OH WOW, OH WOW...IF Mr. W feels that same way, then OMG...That scares me terribly...Is the affair still dangling above my head? Is Plan B just a moment away? Would he warn me??? Would I recognize said warning??? I'd sure want to meet all Plan B conditions...Would I get it? What wouldn't I get? I've gotta stop reading this thread lest ?irrational? fears take over my existance...Ah wait...I can't control anyone but me-I can deal with whatever may come my way...Still scares the crap outta me though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

That's what I'm not sure of.

I'm still waiting to see if WH really intends to follow through on his committment to our M. I'm trying very hard to meet his EN's and not LB, but hey there are days that just doesn't happen. My fears/insecurities take over. I guess right now truthfully, I'm keeping plan B in my back pocket, trying to just take 1 day at a time, and praying for the best, hoping the other shoe doesn't fall.

Pretty sad huh?!

I am most afraid of being duped again.
I am afraid that H will never personally recover his sense of right and wrong.
I am afraid that it will happen again- because if it does, I know I will have no self respect at all if I do not go to plan D. And that would hurt my children so much. I am afraid of the destruction that will happen if I have to face that choice.
I am afraid that I will always be the "familiar" choice to my H, the second best, settled-for choice. That he will always have this fantasy view of OW and wish it could have been her. That he will always see her as beautiful and never really get how ugly they both were.
I am afraid of losing all love for my H if he does not soon demonstrate a dramatic ability to meet my own ENs.
And I am afraid he will always think it is OK not to tell me the whole truth.

I'm afraid of:

waking up one day & having WH say "I just stayed until DD graduated. I only told you I wanted to stay with you because I needed a place to go until she got out of school. I'm filing for D today."

going through all this only to have him tell me that he hasn't & never will recover SF for me & that our marriage will be minus that until death do us part.

that she will turn up one day & he will go back to her.

that he will never tell me the truth again, I still keep catching him in lies.

that we will just exist with him thinking everythings ok while I'm dying inside & my love for him floats away.

I moved my questions to Chrysalis' thread as to not tj

Mrs. W.,


Skirmisher and I both agree with this statement. Sure we could survive without each other. But we sort of complete and compliment each other. Neither of us will have as happy or fulfilling a life without the other in it.

We both know these things which is why we both knew that we had to do everything within our power to recover our marriage and stay together.

If we don't, it isn't a matter of one of us winning or being better off, we both lose.

Who

I fear I may never see my stepdaughter again.

I fear my I may never see my wife again, and will only have daily reminders of my WW.

I fear that she might actually be sincere, and not in the fog.

I fear things have gone too far for her to ever come back now.

I fear my children will be forced to endure this pain over and over again until she finally figures it out... if that ever happens.

I fear that I'll never be truly happy again.

I fear that I haven't been truly happy for some time now.

I fear that I won't want any kind of relationship at all with her out of self preservation.

I fear that if she gets custody of our son, she will turn him against me as she has my stepdaughter.

I fear that she's already trying to replace me in the kids' lives with the OM.

I fear that I'm afraid of too many things.

I fear that every contact I have with her I say the wrong things and just make her more angry.

I fear at some point the venom she spews will be just too much and my love for her will turn to hate.

Well here goes, another FWS trying to put in words my wordless fears... no particular order....

That my DH deep down does not really forgive me. But will never let on to his dying day that he hasn't. That he will never be truly happy again because of my despicable choices.

The my H may choose to take a risk that will take his life because he feels I have taken so much from him.

That my 2 older kids have lost respect for me, that I have caused them to distrust their relationships with their partners because I was such a crap mother.

That no matter how sorry I am, no matter the remorse I feel, he may never realise the depth of regret I have for causing him and our family the slightest pain.

That he doubts he will ever be told the full story, despite MC and IC and MB and any number of discussions and talks.

I am so afraid that he will seek to care for someone else, someone better and more loving, that I will be the BS because of MY sh*tty decisions and leave me.

I even realise that most of these fears are totally irrational and even though possible, are highly unlikely, but it doesn't take away the fear does it, especially when there is NOTHING I can do to make up for my actions and choices.

But he has graced me with his forgiveness, and I try to live up to that each and every day. He's rather wonderful in fact.