NYGU,

I'm wondering about your first marriage...because it wasn't biblically a reason to divorce, is that your belief?

You were married for 18 years, most likely (from my fingers and toes) very young. You have been with your second husband for nine years, is that correct? Now, it is his infidelity, which is why you are divorcing him, which is biblically based.

Here's what bothers me...your thoughts of finding the right partner...someone who won't betray you, who will keep their vows to themselves...seeking to find the right person instead of being the right partner.

I would be very fearful if I were still in that frame of mind. Gives your power to other humans, doesn't it?

I think your choice to focus on loving yourself is terrific--understanding to your bones that you are God's creation, not through others or your own actions...as you truly are...then you'll see your half, your power and understand your limits.

I read your earliest posts back in August...and your thoughts that maybe someone with a clean slate would be better...which is, btw, a sign of wayward thinking. It's fantasy. All of us are clean slates when we meet our future partners...and in reality, over time, we crud up those slates...both sides...from what we ideally want to look like to our beloved. That's from real intimacy...sharing all of ourselves.

Every AP out there is a clean slate. A replacement.

What your FWH found out was that people are not replaceable.

You are not replaceable.

You do not view him the same way.

And you see yourself in extremes...either completely one way or the opposite; rather than some of both, intermixed. You call yourself names, don't own your choices...which include your thoughts, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives.

Would reviewing your first and second marriages for what you do own...what you chose and didn't choose...seeing them clearly give you that balance you seem to crave? To sit in your own center of real responsibility?

I think there's a correlation between the two...in your first, you debased yourself and saw it as XH doing it...and in the second he debased you...something close...for you see clearly where each broke their vows to you...and not where you did so to them.

Knowing can make all the difference. You won't be right or wrong...you'll be you. And you'll learn more from knowing what your choices really were, than looking for another clean slate...especially if you find out you are already one, right now.

LA

I think I understand what you're trying to say. I realize wanting a clean slate is a fatancy. However, if you don't stand for something, you fall for everything. I stand on the promises made in wedding vows. Biblically, you're right, I had no reason to divorce my 1st H and I believe that's why I fought myself about this for years. With that being said, I'm forgiven, I've forgiven my H and I moved on, without guilt or shame as that's what God would want. He doesn't want me to wallow and self loath myself for mistakes. After all, I am human. As far as my 2nd H goes, I am free from those promises and this time I leave without guilt or shame and that's quite a burden to carry. Staying in the marriage after what he did, is burdensome and I simply don't have that strength. I tried very hard, but it goes my core values and I cannot compromise them otherwise I would not be a person of any substance. I would blow in the wind and have no direction. Staying with my H would take years and years of work - on me. He's okay with everything - after all he had his fun, kept his marriage, life is good for him. Not that I'm condeming him, but he certainly has the better end of the stick. For me, it's a daily struggle, get up and talk myself out of going back into my hole of despair. I can't live like that. Sorry if this sounds like a cop out, but there are other flags in my marriage that just doesn't sit well. I've overlooked those because it didn't seem important in the grand scheme of things, but when you compile all the flags, it really is frightening to think I should continue to pour my sole into this marriage when in the end it would be like selling my sole. No can do.


I don't own my choices, I suck at them. Look at my track record! However, this is something that me and my IC will be working on. I have a big heart and I take a lot, but it festers in me until it explodes and I remove myself from the situation. I need to remove myself from the situation before I explode. I admit that I need help with this and I'm seeking that.

I dated my current H for 4 years and I've been married to him for 5. Even during our dating, I overlooked some real big issues. I was love struck and didn't see them for what they were. I can tell you that I won't make that mistake again. I'm not too sure that I'll have a R for a long while. Dating, why not? I do have some dignity and I won't be sleeping around, but I do enjoy company and conversation and that's what I intend to do. Nothing more until I feel it's right. Did you see that operative word "I". "I" will choose. And you know, I'm not looking for a replacement, nor am I looking for the right person or partner, right now I'm not looking for anything except to learn me. What do I want from life? What do I want from a relationship? Do I even need a relationship? Those are what I want to explore. Even "if" I thought about a relationship with someone else, I don't have anything to offer them, not right now, not the way I am. I feel abused, confused, betrayed - that's a lot of baggage to throw on someone. I've got to get rid of that before I can be a person that someone would want to be around.

You know, I love my H, truly I do, but I can't be with him. He isn't good for me and I say that lovingly. If I stay, I know I won't be 100% happy or feel fulfilled. Too much has been done to me, sorry that I sound like a victim, but heck, it is what it is. I don't think God would ever intend for me not to live my life to the fullest.

My plans right now are to get legally separated, move into my apartment, find a bible based church and see where God leads. I'm not in a hurry and I'll be very choosy. Not anyone will have the pleasure of my company. Sounds conceited, don't care, that's me trying to build my self esteem up and consider myself worth having.

Thanks for your thoughts.

NYGU,

I perceive you felt attacked by my post. That I was guilting you or blaming you.

I wasn't.

I remember hearing blame instead of choice in most of everything. I heard "my fault" automatically, and often, missed the message. Why? Because inside that was the tape that was playing--and from experience, I am telling you to hear the tape, inside yourself...for it is giving you this life experience right now.

There are a lot of books out there which helped me to change my beliefs. Since you're now looking to heal and love yourself, I strongly recommend John Bradshaw's books: Healing The Shame That Binds Us...and his Healing Our Wounded Inner Child (there's more than one...I'm thinking of Homecoming).

I brought up your first marriage because of what I didn't perceive you understanding--that mothering our partners is our own choice, not theirs. And it's normal, natural, to love in a parental way...how love was first demonstrated to us...in that way. As adults, though, when we are over-responsibility, then there's no room but for our parnters to be under-responsible. Which is why I say we do our half, as our limit and our obligation. Only way to partner is to respect your spouse is capable, equal and separate from you. They make their own choices.

We make ours.

That's how we build our real self-esteem...by setting our code. Standing for our code...holding ourself to our code. Each time we act not based on possible response, but to our own standards, we build self-respect, esteem and love.

If we believe we are weak, then we will have that life experience. God did not make anyone less than marvelous on this earth...up to you to KNOW you are...whole, complete, equal to everyone else.

You fought yourself for years inside, you said, and I'm not sure you healed from ending your first marriage. We have a lot of internal conflict when we don't get the full lessons...like leaving the house thinking there's something we're forgetting. Know that feeling?

And God brings it back to us, again and again, not to punish...from love...because when we get the lesson about our real responsibility, we then experience true freedom, as is in his design, and an intimacy with him beyond our imagining.

To me, emotions are signals; same for wants and desires. They are us telling US about us. So when you craved a clean slate, I asked if it's possible you want one because you want to BE one. You say you believe you're forgiven...are you a clean slate today? Are you new today? Or do you just want to experience being one to someone else? For each new person we meet is automatically new...we can see them easily that way. Which leads humans to seek new humans repeatedly.

Harder to see our spouses as new each day, though they are, aren't they?

I believe there's a two-way street in God's design of humans, an ultimate justice; what we will not do for ourselves, we will not do for others. What we will do for others, we will do for ourselves.

Which is why learning to love yourself, as you really are, own your power and limits, you will love others in the same way, respecting their power and limits and see them as equal creations of God. When you do, and I know you will because I believe you are so tired of abusing yourself...then you will see your 2nd ExH in a new way...and I believe, you'll feel a new, startingly deep pain.

So I'm here to say I've been forgiven greatly...so my perspective is forgive greatly...to understand that A's really aren't about our partners...and that's a really hard place for a BS. A's are about us not loving ourselves, not living in ourselves (in fantasy) and not keeping our boundaries as our guide to living.

I am not blaming you...not guilting or shaming you. Considering our whole life is a tough, complex choice...I'm asking you to do it, anyway...to find the similarities, to know yourself better, to understand your complete humanness...which is the path I took to finally loving myself.

"Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix really helped me to get the picture of my life into focus. Studying, going to MC/IC, coming here to MB to read and share...all acts of self-care...and you're already doing a big one...brought me to where I am right now.

Core values are about you...not others. I don't understand this statement: "Staying in the marriage after what he did, is burdensome and I simply don't have that strength. I tried very hard, but it goes my core values and I cannot compromise them otherwise I would not be a person of any substance. I would blow in the wind and have no direction."

You continue by saying, "Staying with my H would take years and years of work - on me."

With or without your current H, I agree. You are not defective, broken or wrong, NYGU...the work is discover, awareness and clarity. You can do this in your marriage or not...same work.

"He's okay with everything - after all he had his fun, kept his marriage, life is good for him. Not that I'm condeming him, but he certainly has the better end of the stick."

This is what I hear in your posts...your choice to believe he got away with something--didn't experience punishment, that A's are fun, and that you got the raw deal and he walked.

He's losing you...he's losing his marriage. He lost himself, first, in this EA fantasy. That's a lot of loss.

Consequences happen...there are the natural ones and the logical ones...the ones others in his life impose. Consequences happen anyway. How do you benefit in your choice to believe something this unreal about your partner? What's your payoff in stabbing yourself in this way?

Or is it a signal that you stand for earning love and punishment? That that is what love is?

I believe despair is a signal to us that we have abandoned ourselves in totality...made our very existence about someone else so deeply, we have erased ourselves. Where our focus is, there is our treasure.

When we treasure others more than ourselves, we are not acting as equals, are we? Even when we are consumed with our enemies, part of the pain we experience is coming from inside us, that we do not matter...don't exist...because we are not worth our own focus.

We focus on our spouse's red flags and don't see our own. That hurts us...not blaming...the unawareness. Pushing ourselves aside often feels as if our spouse's do that.

No wonder they stand there looking perplexed and saying, "What? What did I do now?"

I know because I've done that to my DH...projected all over the place...until I stopped and listened to myself...amazingly, then I felt heard.

We do not overlook actions of our partners...I agree. I believe we first examine our own, go for clarity in our understanding of what happened...which is where Harley's Love Busters really changed my life. Until I cleared those up in myself, saw them for what they were, then I couldn't see clearly what was really before me. Had to pull my focus back onto myself to clear us my assumptions (DJs) and mindreading...my interpreting every word, move and feeling my DH had...through my own filter.

So my focus came back to be on me...and that felt dangerous, NYGU. I was really abusive...and had made myself a victim of my own harshness. All the lashes I would give myself, and take from myself (as due, matter of course, deserved)...heck, no wonder I wanted that dangerous focus on my partner, kids, others...anywhere but on me!

When I eliminated LBs, I had to do so inside, to myself, as well. And what I will not do to myself, I will not do to others. Wow. What a difference. God's design.

And I began to respect others were as capable of doing the same...and began to see how my DH called himself on his DJs, his stuff...and shared that with me. He is learning to love himself, too.

Same journey, side by side. I can't make him love himself nor him me. We tried for 15 years...to mirror each other in the way the other wanted...until the mirrors broke. Until that super focus tore us apart.

We tried earning love (and pretended punishment wasn't inseparable from that package), parenting each other...pursuing/distancing. All really painful and fearsome. Not him doing...or me doing...each doing all of our half of the whole of our union.

We don't pour our souls into our marriages...we are two souls in a marriage. Already there. Completely.

Difference is recognizing you are already vulnerable...have been from birth (and before, really)...because God made humans to connect...we have skin, not scales...we touch and are touched. No one can really take away anything within us...or really add. Sure can feel that way in our life experience. Our limits and power does not change...our awareness does dramatically.

I didn't say you suck at choices...I said I don't see your awareness of you making them...the big ones, sure...the tiny ones? Like to over-do so there's only room for another person to under-do? Consider the possibility that pleasing others is creating a debt? Where if your partner knew you would resent later, he would not have accepted in the first place?

Not because you are bad...YOU ARE NOT. Because your beliefs, which have been handed down...picked up from age 4 onward...aren't what you really believe...just what you act on, feel from.

No wonder you feel like exploding...what's behind that? A belief "It shouldn't be this way" or "This shouldn't have happened. This wasn't supposed to happen."?

As you said, what is, is...God works. He really does. Up to us to comprehend...see his will...understand his unyielding love...and understand his design. So we can live freely, in real responsible and experience authentic love.

Look to why you chose to overlook...if you overlook in others, you will in yourself. There's a payoff to it. Doesn't mean it's a real one...can sure feel like it. Resentment can feel like strength, confidence, righteous anger...it isn't. It's poison to us.

I was really blessed, NYGU, that after coming to MB, I figured out how much I lived in fantasy in so many ways...where I was fooling myself with these beliefs I formed as a child which were so dangerous to me as an adult...and to my family, what I cherished most.

God doesn't stop reaching to connect with you...ever. His embrace is three inches to the left when you tilt your head...and you can't find that embrace through your partner or others. They are the problem/solution for you. You are.

I had to picture God wincing when I said stuff like "Even "if" I thought about a relationship with someone else, I don't have anything to offer them, not right now, not the way I am."

And I did. I feel shame, embarrassment and pain when I read your posts...going back to August...because I hear my voice saying these same things three years ago (and a lot of what I said for 15 years)...so in reaching out to you, I'm really reaching for my previous self...doesn't mean you should feel shame, embarrassment or pain...that's me...the view from here...because I felt connected to you.

I'm being brave because I fear your anger at me, your lashes...which I see as you lashing yourself in front of me...your fear and pain. I know I can't control how you perceive my words...not in my control. I most earnestly am writing to you from love and respect. Because what I hear is where I was then...in a wayward state of mind.

Which is entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Gimble's words smacked me like three separate slaps...and I am so grateful for that. For it wasn't me being defective...it was what I believed about entitlement, resentment and respect which was askew...not me...my beliefs. My choice to react to my feelings instead of understand where they are coming from inside me...getting my signals.

The pain, fear, anger, resentment, frustration you feel is real. Valid. Doesn't mean anyone is doing them to you...means you are feeling them because of your beliefs. I'm asking you to really look at what you are believing right now.

They are yours. So is your love, joy, happiness, contentment, peace...that would be about you, from you, as well. Not others.

God's design of humans. Allows for incredible connection and disconnection, determined by how we connect and disconnect from ourselves. Simple--nowhere easy.

In my prayers,

LA

How things appear from outside is important. I used to think appearances didn't matter, but now I believe they do.

Until you are separated in the living arrangements, in your own place, and actually divorced, it could look like cheating or just improper conduct from the outside. So, I wouldn't do it.

Think long term: Are you 100% that you don't want to be involved with the friend who asked you out for a drink? You could change your mind once you get to know him better. what if he has high standards, the kind you want in a man. And he looks back and thinks "Hmmm, this woman went out with me and started flirting with me while she was still married. The M was unravelling, but I don't want to get serious with someone who doesn't honor their commitments."

Of course you should enjoy life. And you should not live in guilt. But wait until you are out of the marriage to begin seeing other men for drinks.

I never fell in love at first sight. Men I wasn't attracted to when we met grew on me. You don't know if this man won't grow on you. Keep the beginning clean and clear. That way your next serious relationship guy will never throw it up to you that you didn't wait until the D was final, or that you cheated on your partner.

And go and enjoy your life!

I would wait till you were legally separated. I know some on here feel very strongly that you're married until told otherwise, but I live in a state that requires a 1 year waiting period for it to be official. I've met women who are totally separated and cutoff from their husbands and who are simply waiting for the state to make it official. Yes, they're technically still married, but are completely free emotionally.

I think it might be too soon in your situation. Give yourself more time and stay away from the opposite sex for a while before going out again.

You have a lot of soul searching to do before you engage with the other sex again. Work on yourself and learn to be alone first.

Crap. Now I'm crying and I'm here at work. Your words stung. Gotta think about these things but you know one thing I must point out - my marriage was VERY young, but we're older and really don't have the glue, like children, finances, etc. to make our decision more complex or thought provoking.

I guess I must admit that I don't like myself very much. I do stand for things yet I'm so damn needy it doesn't matter. I compromise myself all the time, why? Because that's what my mom did. My dad cheated, physically abused her and even fathered a child with the OW, but she stayed because she didn't have a choice. I stayed up until now because that what I learned, and my mom told me it was the best thing for me. Thenn I think, I don't want to be like my mom. I won't allow this to happen to me. She is 75 years old, dad has been dead for 15 years and she still says that even though she should have left my dad, she couldn't because she had 3 kids to look after. She was trapped and I don't want to be in that position.

Can my marriage work? Probably, if I could get over the A, but I can't. Is that terrible? Is that wrong? I'm not looking for a clean slate, I'm looking for a clean me. My H makes me feel dirty - his A makes me feel like I screwed up, like I'm not worth having my H be faithful. Damn it, our marriage was wonderful, really NO issues to speak of, we enjoyed each other, enjoyed the same things, yet he cheats. He destroyed me - the person that I thought he loved. Were we living in a fantacy? Was my marriage a fantacy? Am I genetically wired to have men treat me like a queen on the outward appearance yet treat me like I'm a nobody when they're away from me. Am I enabler? What exactly am I? I don't have clue. I guess I don't even care that he had an A, so what? People cheat everyday, you see, again, I can make his A nonincidental, but then my inner voice cries out and says. STOP!!! That is where I draw the line, remember, this is what you believe in. Yep, I battle myself. Stay, go, stay, go. Live with H and "get over it", leave and try to start a new life. I made the decision to leave so at least I've made a decision which keeps me from living in limbo land which has kept me miserable. I want to be free from my misery and this is the only way I know how. His A had a HUGE impact on me. It's like living my childhood all over again. I don't want to go back to that dark place.

NYGU:

It pains me to read the confusion you are experiencing, and I sympathize with what you are going through. But it concerns me that you are making a life-altering decision without first stripping away all of your resentment and pain to get to your true self-knowledge.

I don't know much about the inner workings of the female mind, nor about how to actually accomplish the stripping away, but I do recognize the tendency to just cut everything out of your life that has caused you pain without truly examining yourself and your motivations first. It is your choice with your life, but don't make life-altering decisions with your emotions and confusion.

Your decision to separate and divorce is yours, and it may be the right one, but do yourself a favor and really know it deep down before you make that decision. You stated that you don't like yourself very much now and haven't for a while. What makes you think that after the painful emotions and confusion wear off from this M...when this M is a memory, that you won't then like yourself less...from not making an informed and true choice for yourself?

And with the proper work and effort from both you and your H, you can recover yourself and your M if that is what you choose to do.

Thanks,

LoBoy

So, I've been fighting off and on with the whole 'urge to date' thing. When I was feeling the urge, I said many of the same things--it's not to get involved, it's just some companionship; while it might not be totally "right," what do I actually owe my WW while she continues to do what she does, bla bla bla.

What I decided recently is that I was feeling bad in the place where I was and that the urge to date was something that seemed like it might make me feel better. But, while it might have been a way out of my place of bad feelings, but it wasn't the right way out.

It sounds like that's where you are--in a place of bad feelings. Maybe the invitation out seemed appealing because it feels like a way out (I mean, that would decide it for you, right? If you fell for this guy, there would be no going back to your marriage. And then you could say "I didn't mean for it to happen--it just happened.").

You've recognized that accepting the invitation isn't the right way out. Maybe now you can determine a better way out.

I've been in recovery for 3 years so my decision has been thought out and examined for quite some time. I made the decision to divorce my H because it is "work" and I'm too old, I want to retire. And what's weird, I felt good about the decision until I started posting and now I feel like I've taken a few steps back. This stuff can make you crazy.

Making wrong decisions isn't anything new in my life so I'm sure I'll adjust.

NYGU,

You feel stung, attacked...I get that. I remember when my own neediness felt not like I had holes others wouldn't fill...as an adult, they'd grown so huge that I felt like I was the darn hole.

I wasn't. Sure experienced life that way.

You fear most being like your mother. You choose to believe she had no choice because that's what she believes.

You can accept her belief, her perception, and have another one, of your own, without disrespecting her.

You know she CHOSE to stay. You know she had other choices...and you know these extremes you experience...either one or the other...is from this mindset. You choose what mindset you have...part of your power. All or nothing seldom exists in reality. In between going and staying are hundreds of other choices...tiny ones...in the middle.

You're not bad for divorcing or good for not divorcing...reality is you're choosing divorce.

We are greatly needy when we refuse to acknowledge fill our own needs, to do our part, our self-responsibility.

Understandable. Not bad or wrong, NYGU. And to me, reasonable that our focus gets consumed by our feelings, not where they are coming from or what they are informing us about...information delivery...because of their intensity, we believe in their power...to feel bad is to BE bad; to feel wrong is to BE wrong...

Not true, correct? We are...and we do. And not do.

If your misery was a signal to you from your beliefs...would that mean you are choosing to believe you are in limbo land? Powerless? Unaffecting, totally affected? Could that belief be the culprit here, in part?

Would God do that, btw? Make it so someone, a child of his heart, did not have the ability to heal from anything? Would you do that to one of your kids?

Would you make them just not capable of something?

As you said...you gotta heal, anyway. You gotta do the years of work on yourself...even as I gotta do the years of work on myself, btw. We are really complex creatures...takes us years to know about, discover, understand...and then we go and change and the discovery keeps going, doesn't it?

If you have to go back or to a dark place...you won't go alone. That's different. If understanding your childhood is essential to your life right now...is it worth it? If understanding why you are attracted to some people and not others, how you view your own autonomy or not, would change your life experience right now...would you do it?

And not going back there...to see your mother's power and limits...her choices...from your adult eyes...not blaming or exonerating...would keep you where you live in repeating, though it doesn't look like repeating...may even seem the opposite...until you realize all the repeating in the feelings, the results...is that safe? Does that keep you safe in anyway?

I believe you carry the child you were inside of you...in all your years...at each step...and when you feel threatened, done to, ignored, discounted, erased...you really go into that child...because that's what an abusive environment does growing up...and it gives us an extreme sense of false power...makes us the cause, control and cure of others.

Which also makes them the cause, control and cure of us, doesn't it?

We think in terms of "If they hadn't, I wouldn't have" which makes us powerless. Hurts deep inside ourselves. Oddly enough, this very much is the way of the wayward mind...to justify through others's choices instead of owning our own.

And that's not bad or wrong...just very unreal. Not reality, isn't it? And to me, it's totally reasonable that we don't get this thoroughly until we will into adulthood...because, as Harley shows us, we choose, they choose...we choose, they choose...fine line between basing our choices on what they choose...and basing our choices on our own code.

You feel dirty. You feel like you screwed up. Focusing on that within you...where it comes from inside of you...very much like when you saw your father acting unconscionably...and thinking you could actually deserve physical abuse...that you could earn it. If you hadn't screwed up?

What others choose to do is on them...about them...handed down...cycles handed down...and you're choosing to live it because the root of what you're facing is just this...

That what others feel, think, believe, perceive, how they view, and their actions, are within your control. Therefore, a reflection of you.

And equally, then, your stuff is a reflection of them, as well.

Which means those you are involved with carry this double-burden, because you do...they are responsible for that which they cannot control, and so are you.

The pain continues...it's alleviated initially when you begin a new relationship...because that's a blank canvass, really, isn't it? Best selves forward...rather, best self images forward. Natural...not limited to you, who you are. They seem like a gift, because they aren't carrying the double burden yet...they aren't responsible for your stuff and their stuff.

Then real selves assert over time...because we take all of ourselves, everywhere...and entitlement, what we deserve, is for them to care more for our stuff than we do...and we will focus on their stuff for them...taking what we cannot control as our responsibility (reality) and make them responsible for what they cannot control by God's design.

When they do, we feel....what they think, we are...until that mirror doesn't answer the same way...when it says something different...more honest...not less loving...and shares more intimately...and we are no longer reflected the way we want to be reflected, when we want it or how we want it...like a lost trust...like a broken agreement...and we can see where we broke our half of the agreement...by being radically honest...and miss that this was a bad agreement to begin with...not real...not close to lasting.

In reality, our partner's are gifts to us...their love is a gift...cannot be earned, manipulated, forced or secured by us, for us. Unless we choose to live in the fantasy, by agreement, that it can...devaluing the gift...and that agreement works until it doesn't anymore.

Because intimacy, years together, increases. Intimacy demands honesty and honesty begats intimacy. They are tied together...which is why A's hurt like a heart amputation...and usually, what we discover, is NOT being reflected (the A not being about the BS) hurts the most.

Broken agreements...we have a lot of them as spouses...and as JustLearning says, when we make our vows...we are vowing for ourselves, for what we will do...so our partners cannot break their vows to us without first breaking them to themselves. Lots of pain, all around.

If we accept our misery as a bunch of emotions, signalling us, which we ignored, tried to change, shift, rename and not feel over a long time...then we own our feelings.

I'm asking you to consider getting your own signals. Take your own hand and know you are not alone...you are not bad, wrong or defective...you don't deserve bad or good...you are you...and you are experiencing a really tough crisis right now...we hear you. You can go to any dark place again and take a light. Nobody told you that when you were small...I'm telling you now.

I hear you saying that the one-year required separation before a divorce can be granted is just part of the divorce. What if it's a limbo for you, as well...you can't leave it to get rid of it...must be endured...part of the formality of marriage...the depth of your commitment...that what can take nine years to put together cannot be undone in a few words, actions, or feelings. Takes time to dismantle...humans need time to absorb, comprehend, understand and accept...part of grieving losses...even that which we choose to lose...a way to honor what was...

Which is very much a part of healing from infidelity. Lots of the same steps, same path, to healing from what we did and didn't, outcomes we couldn't control...and finding our way.

I believe laws are out there, made from human hearts, wishes, desires and experiences...another way we help each other to heal...for a reason. The quelling time, introspective with ownership, not judgment...so we can hold reality with two hands...and distinguish it from fantasy. From our own wishfulness.

You are not too old. God only gives you right now, and it doesn't have age...when we feel "worn out" by something, most likely, that's us fighting against ourselves...and we get tired. Doesn't take a major decision to stop fighting ourselves and begin knowing ourselves, instead. Can majorly affect our lives, though.

Would you consider that love was demonstrated to you as not what it really is for adults? That you bash, punish, fight, tear at, pull against, shut out your own self...and are really sensitive to others because of it, when they do?

That's what it was like for me. I signalled myself time and again that I wasn't defining and owning my own boundaries, and it was a fight within...and my focus was on the outside...what DH was doing, and mostly, not doing...not on the inside.

Which was the issue of my own fight.

Not right or wrong decisions...healthy, unhealthy. Self-destructive and self-loving. Hard to tell which is which for us humans. Has to be studied, focused on and made our goal before we define which is which and what rules we hold ourselves to...

hard to do when we're focused on holding others to our rules, instead.

LA

Way too philosophical for me. And much too much to think about. It would cause me an overload.

But I do thank you. Basically, what I think is best is to give myself some time, talk to my IC and take one day at a time. I try to do what's right and noble and good. Staying in my marriage seemed nobel but it wasn't making me happy. So, I decided to be happy rather than being nobel. I'm not responsible for my H's A nor am I responsible for the demise of my M. And call it what you want, running away, avoiding, it doesn't matter, it's over and I made that choice - right decision, wrong decision, at least it's a decision.

I'm sad today. Don't know why, maybe because I'm reflecting on my life. It hasn't been worth much really. The only thing I have to show for life are two beautiful children whom I love so much.

Don't feel sorry or pity me as that's not why I'm posting, I'm just journaling I guess. Who knows, dang it, I hate this feeling of hopelessness.