MLHB --
Don't run away.

I've noticed a trend lately for you. You raise an issue or an idea. It doesn't go the direction you thought it might, so you shut it down.

This might be a huge opportunity for growth for you.
AGG and Wifty might be able to really help you process some of your thoughts on dating.

They might be able to challenge some of your ideas, and come up with new patterns or new ways to look at things.

Please don't just shut this down and give up. Because sooner or later you will be right back in this same place.
Why not now? Start looking at some new things now.

Lexxy has good points above.
Eharmony takes time, but the rewards are good, from what I hear. I didn't stay on long enough to be matched appropriately.
Perhaps you should reconsider taking yourself off. It may take time to get through the process, and you will learn something whethre or not you meet your match.

Maybe simply change the focus.

Instead of looking for the "one"...
Look for new people.
Look to learn things you didn't know before.
Look to make new friends.
Look to hear about different ideas.
Instead of looking for compatability, look for completely different.
Look for different religions, just to learn about them.
Look for different beliefs, just to learn why they think that way.
Look for different geography, just to learn about their area of the country.

You have so many reasons that you're not ready to truly meet your "one" so why not use this time to enrich your life?

I noticed the same thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She is looking for happiness in the midst of her grieving process.

I'd like to jump in with one other thought. No one is suggesting anyone go out with complete non-starters. The suggestion is to go out with a variety of people who may or may not have possibilities.

Because what you want is one thing, but what you need is another. And sometimes, what you need showes up in very strange packages. Also, anything online is innately biased for those who can write well. So, almost without realizing it, people are passing by excellent candidates because those candidates aren't fluid with the old pen and paper.

But, even if you meet in the real world, first dates are experiements. Usually neither party has really high expectations because it's an experiement. It's also a social construct. This is actually good news because there are certain rules, most of which are so in grained we don't even think about them. By going out on first dates, we actually get to practice all kinds of social skills that stand us in good stead.

Small talk
Listening and reading body language of a stranger
Being charming
Politeness
Cutting an evening short without humiliating our date
Avoiding unwanted touching without causing awkardness (alwasy a necessary skill since there are letches everywhere)
Intimating that you'd like to continue the acquaintance.

The practice oppertunities are endless.

I feel like I should stop reading this thread or else I'll no longer believe my own excuses for not dating, or trying.

These are all very good points. We do need to get out and meet people, and get beyond our own busy lives.
Now, which of the great writers on here will write my eharmony profile for me?

Maybe I'll begin once I'm home from my trip to Moncton next week. A mecca to visit. I know I've been flying too much because I got the exact same seat assignments on the last 3 trips. Seat 6C on six flight segments. Very scary. Time for a real life. (or at least some good practice).
Or perhaps I should call up the guy with the man bag for a date.

i just don't know if i feel like practicing right now.
and sometimes i just think things get over thought out ya know? i don't have time to overthink things.

i had to put my profile settings to say that i would except mathces from all over the country because otherwise i don't get very many matches at all. i hardly get any from ny or vt, the 2 places that would be feasible. so i end up closing most of them out. i don't want to do ldr again. i never intended to do ldr in the first place but had strong feelings for gekko and was willing to do it because of that. i would not intentionally do it again. so..... i don't have very many, if any, dating opportunities. it is doubtful i am going to be able to get much practice around here where i live.

mlhb

and, i have had communication from eharmony that 2 of the matches i got (and i am sure others got as well) have been basically kicked off of eharmony. i don't even think they were really american.

it is just all too weird. even with eharmony you have no idea in ****** what kind of people these people are!

mlhb

all this stress and thinking made me so crazy that i scheduled an hour and a half long pedicure for saturday! ahhhhh, i so can't wait for it! i might get my nails done too :-)

nite

mlhb

May I ask why dating several people goes against your beliefs? I am a Christian also - and my religious beliefs do not mention at all that it's "against the rules" to date multiple people. I mean date, not sleep with, not marry, but date. Like a cup of coffee, share a movie, a meal, etc.

Just curious

i was going to respond the other day when people asked this but then m requested the thread be closed so i didn't. however since it's been born again, i'll respond now. there is a popular movement now about replacing dating with courtship. joshua harris really made it popular with his i kissed dating goodbye books. i'm not sure where i stand, but most of the recommendations in this thread have been to date anyone even those completely different. however many christians actually want to be married to other christians with similiar beliefs. marriage means more than just living together or a piece of paper in that it is a partnership to reflect God's glory to others. since we only marry people we date, there's also the possibility a christian dating a non-christian could end up marrying them. the pros/cons of this have already been discussed in another very recent thread so probably not useful to rehash if that is someone's desire.

IMO, ML is in a period of healing and recovery. She needs some time before she should consider another relationship or marriage. Frankly, she's all over the place with dating/not dating, focusing on school...then dating again.

So that is why I advise simply learning and growing without the pressure of seeking "the one".

yes lexxy, i do feel like i am all over the place a bit. one day i feel like i want to be out there dating, the next i do not. the next i am missing gekko very badly and the next i am not so much. i am concentrating on work and school and that has helped a lot. and on ME as in my eating and exercising and such. i am slowly starting to feel better and stronger.

i have never dated much honestly. i did not date at all in high school and did not have my first bf until i was 18. after that i did some casual dating but not a lot. then i had a bf for over a year in my early 20's. that ended very badly. then i dated someone for a short while, then was alone a long time, then dated someone else a very short time, then was alone for quite a while (and when i say alone, i mean for a year or more) then i met my ex and we didn't date long enough at all, moved in together quickly and were married the same year. then that ended almost 10 years later. then i was alone (some very light casual dating but nothing serious at all) for almost a year after ex left (and was alone for 2 years while he was still technically living here but was in texas for 2 years for military training and by that point he was sleeping on the couch anyway) so i was alone probably 3 years before i met gekko. and that lasted over a year and now i am doing the alone thing again.

that is me in a nutshell. again, around here there are NO dating prospects. i live in a very small town and i know everyone and NO ONE here holds any interest for me. they are either married, or they spend their lives in one of the 3 bars we have here. i am serious. so how i am supposed to get all of this "dating experience" is beyond me when even the matches i get on eharmony 3 or more hours away!

"a potential date is a potential mate" so choose carefully.

i answered the question about my beliefs in another post on here. i am not saying it is against christianity to casually date, but i am not going to be out there dating 20 different guys either, and i am probably not going to waste my time with someone who does not share my beliefs. that is just me. church is a part of my life and my partner needs to have it be a part of his as well. that limits my choices right there. ashes pretty much gets what i am saying about that.

i do need to heal and just chill out for a bit. that is how i feel today anyway, tomorrow that may be different.

all i care is that i am getting an hour and a half long pedicure on saturday, and i am looking more forward to that than anything else right now!

mlhb

Personally, I think you are putting too much into this. Sure, this statement is true, but one of the purposes of dating in the first place is to get to know the person better and find out whether or not they have the potential to be a future mate. Otherwise, what you are doing is no different than some sort of mail-order bride where you just check off your specifications and they send you someone that fits that from China or some place. You can't know from a list of specs whether or not you are truly compatible on a personal level. Dating gives you the opportunity to find this out BEFORE you commit to a long term relationship.

And this isn't to say you should date 20 people at once. You can date one at a time and stop dating each person at the point where you figure that they aren't the one. Or you can continue to date someone who isn't "the one" if you are having a good time together, so long as you both understand that it is not serious and not headed in that direction. There's nothing wrong with that either.

where i live, i am honestly not sure where i am supposed to meet anyone worth dating. i do NOT do the bar scene period. i am not really much of a drinker (the last time i had a drink was last new years eve), and i know you don't have to drink to be in a bar. but, the few local taverns here are pretty much just little meat markets. and they are full of kids. no single men in church, and if they are they are like 90 years old. no prospects at my job. don't have time for the gym as i am working full time and finishing my bachelors and then onto my masters degree. plus i have 2 children to run to sports and girl scouts. the nights they are with their dad i would be available (i would make time for the right person) but again, where in the he** am i supposed to meet them? i do not have time to join some club, etc... i really do not. this is a very very small town as i have mentioned before.

and like i said, when i was browsing around eharmony, any matches were at least 3 hours away. i could deal with that on a casual basis, but none of them peaked my interest enough to pursue.

so, even when i am ready to date again, i have no clue where the men will come from lest they drop nicely from the sky! i live in a logging town, a bunch of beer drinking loggers and hunters up here in the lovely mountains where i am. sooooo not me. i might be a snob, and so be it.

these suggestions are all fine and dandy but there is not even a prospect to go on a casual date with. and i am really beginning to not care about it anymore. part of me thinks if i went out on some dates (if there was even someone to go with) it might help me get over gekko, then other times i just think i would probably sit there and talk about him.

i am believing more and more it is just a process i need to go through to adjust to us not being together before i can move on. don't get me wrong, i am not sitting around crying over him or anything, i am actually rather busy and rather happy not to be going through the back and forth. but, my heart does miss him and what i had dreamed for us to be. in fact i dreamed about him last night, so he is still in that subconscious of mine.

as i have said before, i think it is a good time right now to "plan a" myself, keep working on me and becoming who i want to be. no men, no dating, just me and my kids and working on me. if i lived in a different area, a bigger area, maybe it would be different. i would have more options of places to go out and mingle in. but here i do not. and it is probably just as well since i still need to heal.

besides, i had a great day today. i had an hour and a half long pedicure :-) ahhhhh...... and yesterday i got my nails done. bought a new vacuum today and plan to fall clean all weekend long since i have no kids here. plus do lots of homework. the sad note is i am having one of the dogs put down tomorrow :-( i will need to keep busy to not think about that.

life is good. i am happy alone and fine alone, i just really miss gekko. i am human, what can i say.

mlhb

well, my saturday has not started so nicely....

i just dropped off the german shepherd to be put down. i had already said my goodbyes to him, but still could not hold back the tears when she took him away. i am very sad because he was SUCH a good dog. i mean, he would have protected us to the end, but was gentle as a bug. he was so dedicated to us. he was sooooo good around children. patient as could be. i will miss a lot. he had personality and actually talked to you. i feel awful but he was sickly. he had been getting that way for awhile now and could not longer hold his bladder or bowels. as it is this spring i will have to replace all the carpets in my home because of him. sigh. :-(

then my kids call me from their dads and tomorrow my son has a football game i am going to. i get my kids back tomorrow night. my dd tells me she is not sure if she is going to sit with me (she is coming with her father and ow to the game), their father helps to coach my son's team (mr. father of the year, he never helped out with anything my son did until recently but that is another post) so she will be sitting with ow. so, my daughter tells me that she thinks she will sit with ow because she leaves on tuesday to go to georgia for training for a new job she is taking and they won't see her for 2 weeks. I AM GETTING DISSED FOR OW! so, since she won't see her for 2 weeks she wants to sit with her. please, just take a freakin sword and put it through my heart and twist it a little harder. so i have to sit there and watch my dd sit her HER instead of me. unbelievable. it is not my kids fault. i know that. but dammit. how effed up is this.

i say boo hoo that she has to go away. good riddance to bad rubbish, i'd like her to stay down there. she is going to be a federal corrections officer. now THAT i cannot picture. it is laughable in my opinion. feds are easy though, she would never make it as a state one. miss priss doing this job, whatever. but i digress... i am getting dissed by my daughter, my little girl who cries still 2 years later that she even has to go and stay overnight with her father. is sitting with ow because she will be gone for 2 weeks. i GUARANTEE her father put her up to it. i promise you she told him she was going to sit with me and he told her she should sit with ow because she is leaving for 2 weeks. and having her sit with ow instead of me at the game, ow is going to lap that up and i am sure rub it in my face. i am going to have to sit somewhere where i don't have to see it. oh, but she will tell everyone that my dd is sitting with her because she did not want to sit with me. that is how immature and cruel she is.

calgon take me away. i swear i just want to sell my house and move far far away from this insanity. start over and start fresh.

mlhb

well, it is sunday and i am getting ready soon to go to my son's football game. i will try not to let it bother me too much that my dd won't be sitting with me.

spent my weekend cleaning and organizing. bought some new rugs and candles and such (love burning candles). went to my parents and sadly had to have my 18 yr old sister help me with my college math homework. sad sad sad... lol but i got a lot of homework done so far. today, more of the same. i am going to keep up on the homework and cleaning (i am organizing rooms and getting ready to paint my ds, dd, and my room. then the main bathroom. in the spring i plan to do wood flooring throughout), and clean out my work vehicle. needs a good vacuuming. busy busy busy. already did my pilates for today... and am back on track in many ways. only thing that is a bummer is i have not been to church in several weeks as my son's games are all on sundays and all during church time. so wrong!

that's about it. no dating, and more and more not wanting to right now. i have things going at a pretty good pace right now....

mlhb

did not end up being a bad day. i survived the football game of which my son's team kicked butt :-)

cleaned all the live long day.... and cleaned out the car too. getting ready to go and get my kids hurray! i missed them a lot. ex has them for a week starting next thursday for his second week of vaca he gets with them... but, he told me he now has to work 2 of the days so i will get them then too :-)

life is good, and getting better. and every day that i am alone and not pursuing another dating relationship is making me stronger and better. i still have my moments where i miss what might have been, but they are getting less.

mlhb

well gosh, i feel like i am talking to myself on this thread! LOL

i went to day 2 of a 4 day training i am doing. it is one day a week for 4 weeks and it is amazing. if nothing else it is a good networking tool. and i just can't wait to finish my degree and keep going higher and higher in my education process. i absolutely love the learning process. it is almost addicting.

work is VERY busy and that is how i like it. i thrive under pressure believe it or not. i may not thrive under pressure in a relationship but in work, i do. so bring it on!

on a "bitter" note... my dd went between ow and i during the football game. i think she felt obligated to be sitting with us both. then, when i picked them up that night my dd is like" mommy, i am sad about a whole lot of things" and i figured she meant the dog being put down. so i said "what are you sad about?" and she said" well, i am sad about the dog, i will miss him. and i am said that ow is going away to training for 2 weeks, i will miss her" OMG! that was definitely a stab in my heart and it hit pretty deep. my daughter, we say we are each other's "bff's". we are very close, and yet she is sad because ow is going away for 2 weeks and she will miss her. i could see my son saying it, but my dd??? this all kind of sucks. it just made me dislike ow even more. how that hoor has my children brainwashed. i am not amused.

kids leave this thursday to spend a week with their father for a vacation week. my dd doesn't want to go because it will just be her father there. apparently ow makes it more bearable for my dd to go there. i dunno. all i know is that hearing that come out of her mouth about killed me. i feel like i am losing them to the evil adulteress enemy.

so..... some things are great, and others are tender matters of the heart....

mlhb

mlhb,

im kinda new to this site. i like to read what other people are going through as a means to show myself that i am not the lone ranger. its part of my healing process

its been a few weeks since you have added to this blog. initially it started as an eharmony thing but ya know by the time it hit the fourth page it really did turn into a sort of blog. you seem to have reached what i consider healthy decisions about yourself having bounced ideas off of others. why don't you keep it up?

you have obviously helped alot of others being that you have 1800 plus posts. keep updating us and maybe we can help you this time

for what it's worth, most of the people who have posted have tried to encourage you to do something you were not comfortable doing. i totally respect the trust you have in yourself... or the trust that is blooming over time

on a side note (and this is probably taboo on a forum such as this) but as i read the workings of your mind, i found myself wishing i had somebody like you to to bounce things off of... and hence now i know why i ended up on this forum

i'm a stranger. you don't know me. but i'd like you to know that you will be alright in the end. you are a strong woman with a good head on her shoulders and i have a strong feeling that you are well on the path to recovery

a simple, popular prayer comes to mind... one i'm sure you have heard many times:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr