well things have taken a turn for the worse. She told MIL and me that it's ending with him but she's angrier than ever, saying that she's no longer working on the marriage and has contacted her lawyer again. Everyone is telling me to let her go, that by controlling the internet access I'm driving her away. She said our therapist (not a MC) told her today that I was treating her like a child. I called andcancelled out appointment w/him thursday.

At a loss - thinking of turning the internet back on and letting her make her own decisions. No anger from me, Mark. I did break my hand trying to open a door she locked herself in when I took her laptop on Friday. Surgery is tomorrow and she's supposed to take me but I don't think she cares much now. I've been working out (lost 30 pounds) but the broken hand has put that on hold for now.
-jc

They are not marriage counselors. Get her laptop bugged (I don't care how, just find a way) because if you don't, yeah, she may back off leaving for now, but she'll start it up w/ OM again guaranteed. The only reason she would have for leaving is to contact OM without you knowing or being able to stop it.

Also, my WW called a lawyer and even met with one right after I exposed, but nothing came of it. Do you control the finances? Meeting with a lawyer means nothing if she doesn't have the money to put down a retainer. Besides, people here have had their spouses file for D and drop the D later on. Don't argue with her, just protect your boundaries and meet the ENs she will allow you to meet. Also, tell the people involved that you are getting this advice from your MC even though it may be contrary to what they believe. Tell them that marriages fail 50% of the time, so maybe conventional thinking may be wrong.

Thanks Jim - your support has been invaluable,

I can't KL her laptop until she trusts me enough to disable pw protection or else I'll have to delete everything and that would be teh final LB.

Interesting development - she left to drop DD off at school with her laptop but told me that she could guarantee that OM would not be on. One of her best friends tells me that she confided that she's ending it with him, as did MIL. Yesterday WW told me that it was over and that OM was cancelling his internet access. She has been depressed so I think exposure may have helped chemotherapy this A. Time will tell.

She called a few min ago during her workout to see how I was doing, said she was worried about me and apologized for being such a ******. She was crying and saying that she's confused and I was sympathetic and told her I know, baby.

She was severely freaked out saying that when she told the therapist everything, including about my hand he told her he was required by law to give her the number to the battered wives hotline. She reassured him that she never felt threatened and asked if he was going to call but he said no he was only required to give her the number. I wondered aloud if he would call anyway and she said "then I'll sue him - I have a lawyer (as a joke) He also told her had DD been in the house he would be required to call Child Protective Services and WW told him that I had the foresight to make arrangements for DD to be away with grandma for the night.

Still, she was very freaked out by all this since she knew I was not behaving violently towards her. I broke down the door when she locked herself in my room with the laptop and then I just calmly told her "no" and asked her to leave. Probably not good on my behalf but there was no threatening at all.

She said she wants to talk more when she gets home. Will take that opportunity to reinforce Plan A and empathize.

-jc

well she's back and being pleasant but her car is locked in the garage again and the keys are hidden <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Get to work, Sherlock.

A phone remains elusive, but I never knew how addicted to the internet WW is until last night. We had to leave the house at 6:45am for my surgery but she wandered around the house looking for the modem for hours until shortly before midnight when she blew up at me for controlling her life. She screamed at the top of her lungs and pounded the walls until she bruised her hands and collapsed in a heap, crying and shaking on the ground. She wouldn't accept my consolation.

Just after midnight she drove off. I asked where she would get internet access at this time and she said it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't be there anyway. She gave me the laptop before she left. When she returned at 2:00am she worked herself up and screamed even louder and spewed hate like I've never seen. I woke her up with a cup of coffee in bed a few hours later to go to the surgery center.

Thing is, I'm sure it's not just withdrawal from him. She has become used to crawling into the computer and ignoring the household, including DD for the past year or two. Although she would argue that DD gets her attention, I've seen otherwise. Tonight I asked her if she was sure she wanted DD - that sometimes I feel like she would be happy alone without distractions to be on the internet. She seems a little shocked at the question btu says no, of course she wants her.

A few days ago she wondered aloud if she could get a court order for me to turn the internet back on full time. She claims I'm keeping something from her that's righfully hers. I told her let's she what teh judge would think if he knew all the details about the online A. No response from her. Last night in her fury she claime che was cut off from the world, didn't know what the weather was going to be, what the news headlines were and what her various online friends aroound the world are doing.

Now my mother and MIL advise turning on the Net because she resents me for controlling it. Feels like a loosing battle - she admits to talking to him each day and shutting down the net only makes it more difficult for her to have contact.

She's got an appointment with her lawyer Sunday so I've called my father, who is a partner in a firm for many years. MIL is concerned about that and told WW not to upset me because I could make it very difficult for her, including with DD.

Once again considering turning Net on and letting things take their course.
-jc

She's posturing to get you to give into her demands. Tell your mother and MIL that an MC who is an expert in infidelity told you this is the best course of action because if you turn it on, she will go right back to OM, and OM is the threat, not you being controlling.

That may be part of it but I think there's more at play here, Jim. She's definitely addicted to being online and the withdrawal from the online experience has her hurting badly too. Both moms know that the therapist is out of the picture now.

Now considering keeping it on just at night when DD goes to bed - that way DD can't be neglected and it would still make the A difficult due to the time differences (she souldn't be able to get on until 1-2:30am OM's time.

The only way I can establish NC is if I get the A phone (very difficult but I'm trying) and take her laptop. Doing those things will also start to turn my allies into her sympathizers. Right now everyone sees how unreasonable she is being.

-jc

Listen, I disagree. Why don't you copy and paste this thread over to the General Questions II forum. There are posters over there who have had WAY more experience than I. Here is what I would do. I wouldn't give her back the internet until you have installed spyware on her computer. If she refuses, don't allow her back on. Trust me, it is her addiction to OM and the internet that is killing the marriage. If she doesn't have OM or the internet, things will start to improve after she gets through the worst of withdrawal (the first two months).

You may be right, Jim but I'm not sure it matters much at this point. MIL and FIL (both divorced and remarried) both seemed to wake up to the fact that their DD was lying to them and not herself. They both called me first thing yesterday to say that hadn't slept and were trying to figure out what to do.

I was working from home and WW came in and tried to physically take teh modem. I took the modem and she followed me around the house irrate. I called MIL and she left work to intervene. They talked and were much calmer then went out for dinner and shopping last night.

WW came back and professed she was done she was raising the white flag and would no longer be trying to get online during the day. I got into her car last night and found that after her mom left she bought a new modem from BestBuy. All family told me I might as well let her keep it. They both spoke to her but I've not spoken to them since.

As I said, the internet is ubiqitous and if she's determined she'll get on so there's no way to crush the A. There's also the matter of the A phone. She meets with her lawyer on Sunday. But first the grandparents going with us to take DD to a live show tomorrow. MIL was trying to plan an intervention for following but that was before today's events.

-JC

Cancel the internet service. If she crosses a boundary, you enforce it.

She'll just get the service hooked up in her name - it was obvious that she had tried to explore that avenue when she told me the account was in my name.

If the cable is underground in the backyard...put a spade through it if she turns it back on.

check out this keylog device

www.snoopstick.com

may be a useful tool if you can get it on her computer. You may want me to delete this as she could access your thread here on MB sometime...so just let me know (don't want her innoculating her computer).

btw...around here in Detroit people park their cars outside coffee shops all night long to highjack internet access or just park in neighborhoods and apartment complexs and jump on unsecured networks.

I hope you are documenting this stuff. Winning custody of a 4 year old is tough for a working father versus a stay at home mother. I'd also be very wary of a fake restraining order or domestic abuse charge in an attempt to have you removed from the marital home. It's happened here MANY times over the last 2 years. It's a desperate move done by many desperate WW's. You've got to protect yourself UP FRONT. You likely need to wire yourself for sound at all times as you won't see it coming and nobody ever expects it. (I like the MP3 Player wristwatch idea found on the spying 101 thread).

Jim's doing great from what I've read but you really will get more help on GQII.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks MrW,
Your wife's and your posts have been very helpful in my reading other threads. As you pointed out, the internet is ubiquitous so there's no way for me to prevent her from getting on it and therefore I feel powerless to stop the A.

I DID find that she intercepted my request for a hard copy of our wireless phone records. It was addressed to me, but she opened it and hid it. The log showed many many calls to one number that I thought was suspicious when it showed up on her cell caller ID (before she could delete it). Both MIL and FIL wanted badly to get this number before yesterday but I get the feeling that she convinced them that I was trying to turn them against her so they have not reached out in the past 36 hours or so.

I let them both know that I have the number if they're still interested but I won't contact them and will wait for them to ask. I don't know what, if anything to do with the number myself.

-jc

On a brighter note...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIM!!!!!!!

Thanks for all the support - you are a ****** of a guy and I hope MrsJim treats you especially well today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cheers!
-JC

Happy Birthday, Jim!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />