I would suggest not apologizing for what you've done, but you could show some empathy for what she's going through.

1. I'm sorry for what you're going through

2. I didn't know it would make you this upset (not like you can undo it)

3. You'd have done the same to me...only you wouldn't have waited X weeks to do it. (Deep down they KNOW exactly what they'd have done in your position which is why they play the manipulation game from the get go to try to preempt you exposing and part of what she's doing NOW is to stop you from anymore exposing)

4. I hope one day soon you'll be thanking me for standing up for our family

5. I was standing up for myself. To keep your adulterous secret made me a co-conspirator in your secret.

6. If it was sooo "good" it should have withstood the light of day.

7. I'm sorry you feel that way.

8. I'm sorry you feel that way

9. So what you are saying is that you are very angry with me because I told all your friends and family you were having an adulterous affair with FBI chump (incidentally the SAME friends we got married in front of X years ago) and you aren't sure you can forgive me. Long Pause. Delayed...drawn out mmmmmmm. Interesting.

(what you're doing there is repeating back what she says as a form of acknowledgement. You don't really comment on it at all. She'll likely continue and appreciate having been Heard.)

10. Maybe at the end of 9....throw in. I, too, will have trouble forgiving you for your actions the last few months so we are kinda in the same boat here. Our relationship is at rock bottom for both of us...difference is...I'm here and ready to start rebuilding. I see that as the best case scenario. We don't have to commit...today...to fixing it all or some big romantic falling back in each others arms. All we both need to commit to is starting to move towards trying to recover. Exploring options. Seeking some professionals that can help us. I'm willing.

11. (JUST LISTEN)

Mr. Wondering

"I am very sorry about your affair." And just leave it at that. You can't expect her to LIKE being busted when she is still in a fog. You can't reason with someone who is in the fog, so it would be pointless to try. She won't resent it when she is recovered.

If you indicate you are unsure about what you did, you will be handing her a bullet with which to SHOOT you. Exposure is like snatching the crack pipe from the crack head. It makes the crack head furious at first, but it is in their best interest. Would you feel guilty about doing that?

It is NEVER the right thing to help someone HIDE AN AFFAIR, because affairs thrive on secrecy. Helping her hide it is to ENABLE the affair, whcih is not in her best interest. You don't APOLOGIZE for doing the right thing.

Well OK. I won't apologize, but I still don't know what I should do next. My wife has moved out, she is angry at me, and I don't really have any chances to PLAN A. Do I just go away and see if she ever comes back? I think I would have a hard time, convincing myself that I was being an active participant in helping our marriage if I just walked away and PLAN B. This is something that I think about all day, I know she asked me not to call her, or stop by her apartment, but how can I show her I love her if I never see/talk to her. I know it has only been 4-5 days since the OM said it was over, but the more I think about it the more I think he said that to keep me from digging any deeper into his life, but who knows he sounded pretty sincere. So I am just a little confused, upset, and worried about what I do and how it will effect the outcome of our life.

Ryan.

Ryan, you shouldnt do Plan B yet, or pursue her. She is angry right now because you ruined her affair. The best you can do is sit back and just be as friendly and supportive as you can when she reaches out to you. You can't FORCE her to act in a certain way.

Ryan:

What would YOU like to do?

Many of the things that are recommended around her are counter-intuitive.

In other words, "they do not feel right"

But is it "right" that your WW cheats on you?

So what's wrong with telling people that she has a new boyfriend?

This too shall pass, and MrW gave you some excellent responses.

Go to her apartment.

Go to her Office.

Be pleasant.

Be available.

Invite her to dinner.

Invite her to lunch.

DO NOT talk about the R.

Talk about the Weather, The Cubs, the Stock market, her Dress, Today's meal, tommorrows meal, THe brick work on the building across the street, Aunt May and the nieces. In other words, keep it safe. If SHE brings up the R/OM/D/Seperation/legal look at her, and in your best Scarlett o'Hara, say "We can talk about that tommorrow" And change the subject.

You can't plan A if you do not interact with her.

She will want to TALK about it. Because she Wants you to get MAD. So SHE can justify her Actions "See how MAD he gets, he JUST doesn't understand me!" You only talk about it when YOU want to. When you can control it. And since you NEVER can, you just don't talk about it.

You talk M, not D. Leave it at that, with her.

And plan B doesn't start unless your Plan A has been successful and you ready to give up in the M.

So, I believe that you do need to get in touch. She needs support from someone, and if she gets it from you, then THAT is a feather in YOUR cap.

LG

I agree with Mel that you should NOT pursue her at this point. Wait for her to reach out to you and when she does, be cordial and and supportive...never...never...never apologize for exposing.
Let her come to you.

Well I did what I used to do everyday, I called her at work to see how everything was going. She filled me in on her day and how things have been progressing for her. I asked her if she was going to counseling tonight and she said, "No, she would have to reschedule and didn't know when that would be." I mentioned that my counseling last night was OK. She asked me if we talked about her or if we talked about me. I told her to have a great day and that I would talk to her later.

About 5 minutes later she calls me back at my desk. This time she is very quiet and timid. She says, "I know I didn't say it when we talked earlier, but please don't call." It is almost like she is afraid to talk to me. She mentioned that she doesn't want to pretend. I asked her if she wanted to talk about this and she said no. I asked her how long she wanted me to not talk to her, she said, "I don't know for a while"

I had a friend from work sitting here and she mentioned that it sounds like I am not giving her enough time to figure out what she wants. I don't understand the whole time and patience idea. I just want to be the man I should have been for her now, and she won't let me. I can't get close to her to show her I have changed.

Is this something that everyone does, or am I just so pushy, that I can't let her be? How am I suppose to walk away from someone I love so much? This whole affair/love/marriage/seperation concept seems so counter-intuative. Why can't I be there and be a great guy and let her see that?

Ryan.

Well, she has told you not to call several times now. How about not calling? Wait until SHE calls you. In the meantime, get busy making a nice life for yourself.

Scotty, Scotty, Scotty. You remind me of a little boy picking at a scab on his knee. He knows he shouldn't, but he can't help himself from exposing the sensitive pink flesh under the protecting cover. Man, let things alone for a while. Let things percolate in your WW's alien little mind.

She called you and (timidly) asked you not to call...as an afterthought. It wasn't something at the forefront of her mind. She called later just to keep in character and not let you have the upper hand...in anything. That's okay. That's how aliens are. But, her not having it on her mind and expressing it in the original call just might be a good sign.

Let her stew in her juices, as Grandma used to say. You can't MAKE her want to come back. All you can do is make coming home a more attractive alternative than being on her own, rejected by the OM and ostracized by friends and family.

Listen to believer. The lady knows what she's talking about. Tell us what you are doing for YOU as a Plan A, okay? Much/Most of Plan A isn't about showering the WS with love and affection. In fact, that's counterproductive. Start working on YOU, making yourself a man your WW would be attracted to. Do it now. There's no better time.

When she does call (and she will)

Hopefully you can answer the phone while you are out and have to excuse yourself from company to take her call.

Nothing better than to demonstrate your life does not begin and end with her phone call.

Last thing you want is to APPEAR to be sitting around staring at the phone waiting for her call. It's just too desperate and needy seeming. Be sure NOT to answer the phone is one ring...in fact, let it go to voice mail and then call her back in four minutes (after you listen to the message to get any indication of the calls purpose) then....even if her message says don't call...call and indicate you saw she called but failed to listen to the message yet.

I KNOW your obsessing....she doesn't need to know this.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - You COULD perhaps send her flowers in a couple days...with NO message...just your name.

scott:

Yes, what you're doing, everybody does. But everybody also needs 2 figure out that it's counter-productive 2 keep being so needy and pushy. It'd be great if it could happen instantly, but it just doesn't.

You did about a "B" on not talking relationship stuff with her. You did ask about her counseling, and she asked about yours. I would leave that out next time, when SHE calls. Talk about fixing the brakes on your car or about unclogging the upstairs toilet or something (ac2ally, she'll be more impressed by you doing the domestic things that she used 2 do than she will about the car, so think of stuff like that). Maybe tell her about a new recipe for California Chicken or something Texan, like "[censored] on a Shingle" or whatever passes for food south of the Oklahoma border...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, I got a little carried away.

Above all, keep your sense of humor about you, and show it when she does call. Maybe tell her a good joke or something...

-ol' 2long

**thud** I have been to your silly state and have SEEN the kind of foolishness you silly left coasters eat!! TOFU! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

where do i go to post a situation

makinit, hit the "POST" button and you can make a new thread.

My common law wife after 11 years decided that she wanted freedom, space, and she does not know if she is in love wit me. I made all the mistakes after hearing these words in May 07 and found out that she is talking to someone on a daily basis 3 months after we separated and she continues to talk to him every day and I am at a lost. She has already moved out of the house and our 2 daughters 13 and 6 still lives with me while she lives with her mother and her family knows that she has OM. They feel there is nothing they can do and that she is going through a phase since I am the only man she has been in a relationship with. She had an affair after our second child back in 2001 in which I busted her so she is far more clever and deceptive. I have exposed her to everyone, stopped LBing, and do not know if I am suppose to do Plan A while she has no attempt at restoring what we had. She feels that sometimes people fall out of love and that it would have been fair on her if she had dated when she was in her 20's. She stated that she just wants to be friends for the kids sake and that the problem with me is that I am overbearing, intrusive, and too analytical. Other than that I am a good friend, father, and a good person, but I should find someone who can love me better than she can. I want to save this relationship for the kids sake and I still love her what advice would best suit me at this stage. Mind you our communication has improved tremendously and we sometimes hangout like when we do things with the children together and we sometimes go to the movies and shop for the children. It appears as if she is comfortable and is continuing her secret world even thopugh everyone knows ahe has OP.

where ispost button new to posting

makinit:

Mel's from Texas, so you need 2 give her a little room...

At the top or bottom of this page, click on "Index", and once you're in the "general questions II" index, the "Post" button will show at the top of the page.

-ol' 2long

Only true Texans know that "[censored] on a Shingle" is what we serve d*mn Yankees when they come to town. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PM is right, we sure don't eat that foolishness! yeehaw! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />