I actually changed the email. I didn't give them the site name, just the name of Dr. Harley.

Ryan.

Good luck, Scotty.

Longhorn,

I am still ensuring that his office is notified, I am just not going to get a lawyer, because I am 90% sure that this is legit. My Boss is pretty on top of things and he double checked that the security officer was who he said he was. Not to mention that the call came from Buffalo, and the OM works in Rochester. I will still notify the highest level of the office via, certified mail so I am 100% sure that this is duely noted by the FBI. You sound like you are giving up on me. I am fighting, I am just trying to choose my battles so I don't lose my job (how would I look to my WW if I didn't have a job?) One thing I am going to do is keep our Dog for the next 2 weeks. I am going to do my best not to talk to my wife in that time. I think that if she makes no attempt to contact me, that maybe I will give her a PLAN B letter? I will explain to her that she chose the OM, his wife and 2 kids, over me and the dog, so the dog will stay with me. She has already stopped replying to my emails, so in a way she has PLAN B'd me.

Ryan.

After a long night of thinking about this am I expect too much to fast? I have only be going through this for 1.5-2 months, do I just sit tight and see if the fog lifts? I don't see how their affair could work, he lives in NY, she lives in DC. He will have to fight for his kids during his D, she won't move up there to be with him..... Do I just sit tight? Last night I was sure I should PLAN B, so that she doesn't have a chance to hurt me, but today I think I should try to continue PLAN A so that she knows I can be a good husband. She is not initiating any contact, even though it has only been a couple of days since I saw her. I desperetly want a chance to meet her needs, but she will not give me that chance right now.... Damn this stuff is hard. I wish I could stop loving her so that I could move on, but I know that my wife is there she just needs to come back.

Ryan.

Okay, one last attempt, Scotty. Listen, your boss can be the brightest person in the world and still be lead astray by someone pretending to be an authority figure they really aren't. You got some really on target advice from Mr. W, who is an attorney himself, though he doesn't practice in criminal or civil law right now. He told you all this from the “security officer” is BS and you should work to find out what's actually going on.

On top of that, you’re taking your wife's word she was contacted by the FBI and she’s already given a statement—and everything happened within a few hours! Huh? Get real, Scotty!

This isn’t a one-hour TV drama where forensic evidence is analyzed over a commercial break. It takes weeks. Reports don’t find their way up through the chain of command in the FBI overnight. Conferences, commando attacks, etc., don’t really happen in 24 hours, man! It takes time and lots of coordination to get ANYTHING done in your local DMV office, much less within a bureaucracy the size and complexity of the FBI.

I used part of my afternoon yesterday to do some Google searches and made a phone call to find out these "security officers" deal with building security, not defending special agents who commit adultery. You didn’t even investigate that to see if it was correct or not. You've decided none of the advice from Mr.W, Melody, or anyone else is worthwhile and, instead, you won't even make an appointment for a single discussion with a practicing lawyer with whom you can talk over ANYTHING short of planning a criminal act. Confidentiality most definitely attaches.

You know what? I could be wrong. Mr.W could be wrong—we could all be wrong—but you don’t know if we are or not at this point. You COULD find out for sure and not have to guess…but you won’t even stir yourself to do that much.

Yesterday, you said you don’t want to push this issue. You say it’s because your WW has the chance of a lifetime for a dream job? What the heck, Scotty?

You’re being awfully solicitous of a woman who has demonstrated exactly NONE to you, aren’t you, Scotty?

LH and I do not agree often...but he is dead on here Scott.

MEDC & LH are making good points to you. ALL these FBI types do studies in Quantico and then return to their own hometowns. You don't know that this alleged Buffalo agent isn't just a buddy he called on to stir up turmoil.

For your own good, check it out, thes guys are making sense.

OK, guys you are probably right. I took the morning off and sent the registered letters to the Buffalo office. I made sure they went to the 3 highest ranking people in the Buffalo bureau. I made sure that the letters were certified and signature required. I also hand wrote a note in each one of them to ask the agent to stop destroying a family. I will check again with my boss and get the name and phone number of the person that called him. I will call the bureau and talk to this person's superior to ensure what was done was done above board. This should ensure that the affair is revealed and there can be no more talk of blackmail.

Do any of you have advice about what to do with my wife? I don't know if contact has stoped with her and the OM. At one point he had called me and told me she wasn't worth it, but I don't believe that. I have to assume that there is still contact between them. She is still mad at me for revealing the affair, do I just give her time to cool off? Do I try to engage her or just wait and see if she calls me? Do I go to PLAN B, or try PLAN A even if I only see her once maybe twice a week?

Ryan.

Okay, being proactive is always better, friend. Let us know what you find out, okay? I'll be incredibly amazed if you actually find out telling ANYONE the truth about an adultery is actionable. (You have no IDEA how often a WS and OP have threatened libel action when a BS exposes. It's laughable, but it happens all the time.)

You're being smart assuming your WW is still in contact with OM. She hasn't experienced any consequences to her inappropriate behavior yet, so why would she change that behavior?

Man, LET HER BE MAD. Quit worrying about it. Marriages get over anger on the part of one partner or another all the time. They don't get over infidelity without a LOT of time, work, and angst. Let the anger slide off you like water off a duck's back, as Grandma used to say. Don't let it affect you. It's a natural reaction to some thoroughly suppressed guilt, for one thing.

OF COURSE you give her time to cool off. You cannot MAKE her come to her senses, Scotty. She must want to do it herself and she's not going to be induced to come back home to someone playing wimpy and being a doormat.

I get the distinct impression you haven't read Dr. Harley's Surviving An Affair because of the questions you ask. Were I you, I'd order that book today and STUDY it, don't just read it, STUDY it closely.

I don't know how long you've been in Plan A, Scotty. Did you get any time to do it before she left? If so, what did you do and was it in line with the guidelines in SAA and/or the excerpts from that book here on the site?

If you didn't have any time to do a good Plan A, I'd suggest you do Plan A when you're with her and not worry about what you can't do. Don't drive yourself insane worrying about things you can't affect, okay? If you've read SAA, you know there's a time limit for Plan A, usually about six months for a man.

What's your plan to end this, Scotty? What's your strategy?

BTW, a few posts ago, your WW was asking questions most divorce attorneys get their clients to pose to the other spouse. Have you secured your finances in case she does a blitz on your community property, etc., by filing bogus restraining orders, divorce decrees, etc., etc.?

Longhorn,

Alright now we are getting somewhere. I need someone to lay it out for me.

I will let my wife continue to be mad. I will continue to let her sit in her apartment and hopefully some time away from me and the dog will wake her up. I have been very rushed in this whole process, as soon as I think we are getting somewhere my rush ruins it. Good example is when the OM called me and told me it was over, I called my wife a couple hours later and she yelled at me. I don't know what I wanted to get out of that phone call but, it was def a LB.

I do have Surviving the Affair, I have looked through it several times, but it seems to be written for those couples that want to recover. Right now my wife is still engaged in the affair and she doesn't want our marriage. I will take some time tomorrow (working tonight) and reread it from cover to cover. Is there anything you think I need to pay special attention too?

As for PLAN A, when she got home I was a great husband, she even said that I was doing everything perfectly, and she should be very happy but she wasn't. She also mentioned that if I would have been this way 1 year ago, I wouldn't of had to try as hard, because she would have been so excited to see that I cared.

I am going to say it again, I really have no way to PLAN A right now, because she has pretty much cut me off. It has only been a couple of days, but I have not heard from her. She won't reply to my email. So here is were I get confused. Do I try to PLAN A, or do I let her be mad and cool off and just avoid her for now?

I am not sure what you mean, by my plan to end this? My perfect plan would be that OM, stops talking to my wife, my wife would see that I have been a good husband, she would start giving me some chances to prove myself, and then we find out without anyone else in the picture if our love is enough. I guess I don't understand what you mean.

I am very unsure if my wife will go ahead with the divorce, paperwork right now. I know that she has friends that she came back from Baghdad with that are going through divorces, so she has them to lean on and ask questions, but I don't know if she has taken any furher steps. It scares me that so many of the people that she came back from Baghadad with are getting divorces, because I think that it has some influence on how my wife sees the world.

Ryan.

I think you’re partially right, Scotty. The second half of SAA was, in my estimation, actually written for couples who are in recovery from an instance of adultery. But the first part of the book is a blueprint for ending the adultery and advice for the betrayed spouse. STUDY the book; don't just skim it, okay?

If you quit rushing around like a chicken with its head chopped off (another of my Grandma's sayings), you'll be far better off, pardner. Listen, you're involved in a highly emotional situation. Everything about this hurts; it gnaws at you every moment of every day. You don’t feel like eating. Heck, everything tastes like cardboard, so why bother, right? You want to sleep all day long so you don’t have to deal with this...but you can’t sleep, even when you should be tired after a long day at work, can you? Even when you go to sleep at night, you aren’t really resting. When you have time off, you want to curl up on your couch and watch some mindless TV show just so you won’t have to think about the obscenity, don’t you? Above all, it’s not FAIR, is it? We know all this, Scotty. Not one darn thing you ever did to your wife justifies what she’s doing right now. NOTHING!

Scotty, know this. We understand, because we’ve been through it also and we’ve absolutely been exactly where you are right now. But hear this, Scotty. We got through it, and so will you. There are no guarantees, man. Your marriage might be unrecoverable through no fault of yours and not for lack of you trying. But even if you don’t reconcile with your WW, you WILL come out of this sane and whole, no matter what.

Okay, when I say, “What’s your plan,” it comes from two things. First, SAA was written by Dr. Harley to set up a well thought out and viable plan...a strategy, if you will...for recovering from an infidelity. Second, I started a thread on the “Just Found Out” forum that talks about Dr. Harley’s plan. There’s a link to it in my signature area. You might check it out. Reading them should give you enough pointers to develop a strategy of your own that you can carry out in this war between you and the evil that has befallen your marriage.

Now, some advice: because this situation is so explosive emotionally, you must be as coolheaded, as analytical as possible, and above all...calm. You’re in a war, friend, and you need to be as objective as you can be so you can analyze what the alien your wife has become (and her ally, the OM) might do next. If you’re having trouble sleeping, Scotty, go to your doctor and ask for some antidepressants. They were made for situations exactly like the one you’re in right now. They don’t work instantaneously…usually they become effective in a couple-three weeks...so check with your doctor soonest, rather than waiting until you’re punching the walls to work off some emotional depression.

The things you write of as being part of a “plan” are actually your goals in all of this. See that? What you need to do is figure out what ACTIONS you’re going to take to make all that happen.

Hint: exposure is the first part of Plan A and one should do as sweeping an exposure as possible. Exposure is a weapon in the war, Scotty. Never apologize for using it and never hesitate to use it—it’s the best weapon you have for beginning to fight back.

Once exposure is complete, you hunker down and get through the absolutely predictable period of extraordinary anger on the part of the wayward spouse. Heck, there are hundreds of threads out here talking about things the alien said when they got mad about exposure. Many of them are as predictable as the anger itself and you’ve already gotten some of them.

At the same time, you’re watching your WW give her imitation of Mount Vesuvius, you begin a period of improving yourself to be the best husband you can be...whether she’s around or not. I think you misinterpret Plan A to be a phase where you’re trying to please your WW by waiting on her hand and foot, etc., but it’s not necessarily so. Plan A works by way of inference, more than through any particular overt act.

Its primary purpose is for you to become the person you always should have been in your marriage—what you probably were when you met your future wife—physically, spiritually, and emotionally...only better. See? As you become a more attractive partner, your WW is attracted back to your side…exactly the way she was first attracted to you.

When your wayward spouse IS around, you show her these changes in yourself by just BEING yourself. You’re calm, courteous, attentive…perhaps just a trifle (just a pinch) aloof. But you’re never needy. Needy is SO unattractive, Scotty. No one likes a wimpy husband and you must make sure you never become a doormat. It might look like there are some immediate rewards, but the long run is what you’re looking it, hear?

I suggest you read Pepperband’s “Carrot and Stick Of Plan A” thread for some good pointers.

You can find that thread here:

[color:"blue"] Pep...Of Plan A" Thread [/color]

To continue with Plan A, while I’ve never read this in Dr. Harley’s books and or heard it on his radio show, I’m convinced Plan A is also useful in keeping yourself distracted from the crushing burden of dealing with an infidelity every moment of every day. That’s why I always suggest betrayed spouses do things that are physical, that take some degree of concentration, and which have a distinct, recognizable result.

So I say again, do something with your hands. Do a wood-working project, for instance. Want to build a smoker/BBQ pit in your back yard? Take a class in brick laying from Home Depot (or somewhere else) and start to work. Does the yard need a good mowing? Manicure it! Make it the neatest yard in the neighborhood...and then invite the neighbors over for a BBQ. Do NOT let your separation from your WW dictate what you do with your life, Scotty. Don't let it define what you are, hear? Get busy working on yourself and STAY BUSY.

Okay, I'm getting too long-winded here so I’m going to close. But first, a little advice from an old fart who once was caught up in some legalities he wasn’t prepared for. Whenever a spouse begins talking divorce, or implies it by asking questions that are pertinent to such an action, I recommend defending yourself immediately. If you don’t, you can be blindsided by any number of restraining orders and divorce papers that come out of nowhere. IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE and to people who post regularly on this forum right now.

Friend, I’ll say it again. Protect yourself by doing what ever you need to do to safeguard your financial situation. Get a preliminary interview with a GOOD divorce attorney and ask him/her how best to set yourself up so you won’t lose your home, your car, etc., etc.

Okay, hang in there, Scotty. Do what you can and don’t sweat the small stuff. Find a peace within yourself—talk to a counselor or your pastor—and let’s get busy, okay?

Longhorn,

Thanks for not giving up on me. I am scared out of my mind right now, and I just want to jump at any scrap my wife will throw me. I know that this is wrong and I am ready to start fighting again. I have been working on myself, but I am finding it a little difficult to find drive, while I have nothing but this on my mind. I know I need to find a hobby, but my friends, and family have done a good job, helping keep my mind occupied. My wife really was my life, so it is going to be very strange starting all over. I am still a little unsure where to go from here, but I am going to spend time on me, and if she calls, I will be cordial, and attractive, without pushing any relationship talk.

Ryan.

Nobody said it was going to be easy, pardner, and it won't, but there will come a day when it's all behind you. Force yourself to do some kind of hobby thing. Getting started is the hard part. Also, strongly consider the antidepressants, okay?

I will try and get to a doctor to talk about the Antidepresents. I am usually against most medications, but I guess it couldn't hurt. If I can take some of the pain of this away, maybe it would make getting out and finding myself a little easier. Has anyone had any luck with any social clubs, etc, some way to meet people, is that just asking for problems, should I work on me, or should I be out there being social? I know these sound like simple childish questions and you will all say, "Man get a grip and just be you." For the last 10 years, I was defined by my marriage, my wife was who I was with, no matter where I was or even if we were apart, we would talk on the phone for hours, so I feel pretty lost without her.

Ryan.

Ryan.

yes, the anti depressents can hurt. Try exercise first and foremost. Use them as a last resort.
I speak from experience having sold Zoloft for Pfizer...and having information about all of the studies regarding AD's.

Exercise is always your best option. Socializing is another great add on. It helps to have fellowship with others.

mkeverydaycnt,

Thanks for your advice. I will have to say that I do notice a big difference when I am exercising. I had to go to the emergency room Saturday for Kidney stones (First time for that and it is miserable, make sure you drink lots of water) So I didn't workout Sat, Sun, Mon, and I could tell I was feeling down. I don't feel as bad when I am working out every day. I think I might try, a JuJitsu class or something like that so I can workout and be social.

Ryan.

This is just too much. My wife had a car that she used to drive, before she bought her new car. We have been using it to drive the dog around, so that he isn't in our good cars. Well she asked me to sell it so I finally sold it. I sent her a polite email asking her when she would be available to sign the title so that I can sell the car. She won't even respond to my email? Do WW really not care about anything? If I can't get the title signed I can't sell the car, I can't get an money? I know that money has always been important to her, in fact she got very excited when we paid off our credit cards. I just don't understand how you can walk away from your life, and not look back to take care of business.

This whole affair business is quite possibly the most bizar human behavior ever. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it first hand. Someone that you have known for 10+ years, is just suddenly gone.

Ryan.

Was this email flirtatious in anyway? You're supposed to stay away from her and give her space, remember? Was that email your excuse to be in contact with her again? Is it really that important to have it sign now versus say two weeks from now?

The car is being picked up Saturday. The email was very brief, and just asked that she tell me when she could sign the title. It will need to be given to the buyers on Saturday morning.

Ryan.

Ok, you're rational and she's not. Does that make you want to divorce her and seek another mate?