BestAdvisor,

I am still learning the ropes. I know that there are things that have to get done. I am the one who is trying to get them done. Do I feel like she should have sold her own car, YES. But did it need to happen, yes so I did it. I am not saying I don't love my wife, I still lover her very much, I just miss her. She had a wonderful plan for us that she emailed me before she got home, I just want to print it out and hand it to her and say, "Why can't we just follow this path, why are you doing this to us?" I know it won't do any good, but she wrote that email and had that plan, so I know my wife is still in there somewhere. I have done all the reading and I have heard that people in affairs act irrational, but it is completely different when you see it up close and personal.

Ryan.

Stats are against you. Either she will never return back to you, or if she did, you will resent her (one day when you wake up) for what she did and never able to trust her, see her the same way, or respect her again.

Even if she returns and you forgave her, there is always a good chance for her to cheat again. If she doesn't, and you got an opporunity to cheat or have a connection with another woman, you won't feel so guilty to go with the flow. Either way, the damage has been done and it will never be the same.

I strongly disagree with BestAdvisor1. Stick with MEDC and the other's advise.

sickofthis,

I don't plan on giving up any time soon. I do love my wife, I am sure of that. I know that she is a WW right now, and I am thankful for everyone's help and support. I also believe deep in my heart that she will eventually come back to me if I can stop doing some of the things I have been doing for the last 2-3 weeks. but only time will tell. I am upset that I have lost the support of her parents. At one time they said I could call them and talk, but once I revealed the affair to her family and friends, I never heard from them again. I have sent them emails to tell them I love their daughter, but they never respond.

Ryan.

Ryan - put bum advisor on ignore.

best advisor...you have to be the biggest ****** I have run into on these boards in a long time.

Well,

I talked to my wife tonight. I just called to talk about, the car title, but she went off on another tangent about our joint bills.

She just got back from Baghdad so she had a large sum of money come in and she used it to pay off the credit cards. She is pissed that she had to use her money, and that I should pay her 1/2. I can see where she is coming from since she has moved out she doesn't have any extra money, and I have a lot of extra income. She was very upset and I know that this is a love buster, but I tried to comfort her and tell her that we could take care of it. She is mad that she can't afford furniture, etc. This makes me sad, but I kind of want her to understand that things are not going to be easy by herself. I love her, and want to make her happy, do I give her extra money, to maker her happy or let her struggle, mad at me?

She was so upset that she was crying.

Ryan.

I won't address the legal implications if she files for divorce. That's for an attorney to address.

But here's what this is. Apparently, financial security is one of your wife's strong emotional needs. (Did you ever do a list of your EN's and guess at hers?) So she's suddenly experiencing a period where an emotional need isn't being met, one of the goals of Plan A, and you want to cave in because she's crying? Has she shown you any such consideration when you were in such deep pain? Don't answer; I know she didn't. People get over crying jags, Scotty.

What you could have done when you called her was reinforce the fact that you talk marriage and you wish she was back in the home (where you could do a super Plan A). No, I don't think you arbitrarily send her a bunch of money for any reason. That's called enabling her ongoing adultery.

But I thought you weren't going to call her, Scotty. You said you wouldn't.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I had to call about the title for the car. She had not replied to my email so I called to find out what to do about it before Saturday morning.

Ryan.

Ryan...

Your wife wants the benefits of being married and single at the same time...See the ridiculousness of that? I'm certain that you do...Do not give her any money, unless and until the court orders you to do so...

Mrs. W

Now's the perfect time to buy YOUR PLACE something nice. So when it comes up again...and it will...you can simply indicate that right now money is a bit tight for you as well seeing that you just purchased a new armoire, sofa and bed.

The fact she paid off your joint debts prior to filing for divorce is her problem. Avoid giving her anything and even go as far as to liquidate your financial position so that IF she files you aren't caught with a bundle of money in the bank you'll have to split up with her. (A divorce petition typically enjoins the spouses from spending anything outside of reasonable living expenses)

Liquidate = covert into cash or personal property (like paying off your car loan).

Plus...hopefully this won't be the case...but you may be needing a retainer for an attorney in the near future.

Prepare for the worst...hope for the best.


For now...sit back and relax. Focus on your job and taking care of yourself. Wait for her to call you as these conversations aren't getting you anything but hurt right now.

I also envision that she will likely call you in the next few days and when she does it will be specifically to engage you in an argument or vent at you. My suggestion is when she calls...imediately indicate you are busy and will call her back. That way you interupt her venting mindset. Your call back should wait at least a 1/2 hour and hopefully her intended mindscript will have been altered and thrown out of whack.

This is an Art of War type strategy wherein you preempt the enemies battleplans and timing. Forcing them to adjust, delay, and lose emotional momentum. She WILL be geared up and ready to fight you when she calls....when you call her back...after a indefinite delay...not so much.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering,

Do you know how it works if your state requires a seperation before divorce? In Virginia there is a 1 year requirement for separation, or 6 months with a formal separation agreement. We don't have a separation agreement, so she will have to wait a year for a divorce. Can she still file now and just wait for that 1 year time? If she can't file now, do we just have to work out financial matters between the 2 of us? This makes everything seem so real, like this is the end.

Does it ever work to ask the WW to read a book like surviving the affair? Will it make them think, about what they have done, or just make you look like a needy weekling?

Ryan

Does anyone have any more ideas. I will meet with my wife tonight for her to sign the car titles. I am preparing a PLAN B letter, so if things start going done the wrong path, I will tell her that I will never talk to the OM's Girlfriend, and if my wife wants to work on my marriage then I will welcome her back with open arms. ???? She is going to want to talk about money and getting everything paid off. I know in the PLAN B letter is specifically states "No financial support" is that going to make me looke like the bad guy? If the OM comes to her rescue and starts helping her pay for everything? I know I can't change her mind but would a husband that will help with the bills be a better choice to come home to then one who won't? Or is she so far gone that I am just financing her affair? I guess if she is thinking about seperating everything she is already on her way out???? I could see this one meeting being a very pivital point in our marriage/divorce I am going to make her very angry, when I won't help pay the bills, that we occured together.

Ryan.

A. Why would you make a bad promise? The OM's girlfriend absolutely deserves to know about OM's lack of personal integrity and lack of faithfulness.

B. Car titles...as in plural? I thought you were selling ONE car. Are you doing something else, something perhaps ill-considered, to further accommodate your adulterous wife to make her adultery that much easier for her?

C. Don't set yourself up for failure, Scotty.

Longhorn,

A.) Sorry about the confusion. In my mind I have made a distinction, between "My Wife" and "OM's Girlfriend" it is the same physical person. I want "My Wife" back, not this person that she is when she is OM's girlfriend.

B.) Yes, car titles, I have sold her old car, 2000 Chevy, and then I am selling a project car of mine 1971 LandCruiser. I am getting money for both of them. The money talk will be what "we" are going to do with the money. She will want all of it to pay off the Credit Cards in her name(she removed me from the cards). Because she is angry that she used her bonus money to pay down one of the balances. The debits on the card were "our' debits we both have things on the cards. In our current living situation she only has about $300 left over at the end of the month, and I have $2700. If she would have stayed under "our" roof, we had around $5000 of extra income a month. I think that she is scared about losing the lifestyle she had.

Ryan.

The OM is NOT going to financially rescue your wife. Mine's OM abandoned her as soon as I exposed to OMW.

My wife has felt the sting of zero financial support and the whole fantasy world has completely crumbled with her circling the financial commode when the promises of support didn't come through like she had so smuggly planned.

Let your wife starve a while.


It's been kinda surreal watching my wife suffer for her decisions, and I have never been so well off before.

Okay. Well, I’ll know who you’re talking about in the future. One gets lost trying to keep track of which OM is married, which has a GF, etc. Don’t abuse an old fart by using confusing language, okay?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now, pardner, listen to Pariah. He’s been where you are at this exact moment.

Man, I don’t have a clue why you would even CONSIDER helping her to pay off her credit cards. She's the one who took you off them, WITHOUT consulting you, did she not? She's the one who paid down one of the (joint card?) balances WITHOUT consulting you, right?

In fact, considering her solitary and arbitrary decisions to commit adultery and cause you incredible pain (among other things), you really haven't had a vote in much of anything she's been doing for a while, have you?

Have you wondered why she’s suddenly including you in the decision making process? Maybe only because she wants something from you...and then you get discarded again? Is that good enough for you?

Scotty, it's clear that financial security is right at the top of your WW's emotional needs. She’s feeling the pinch right now--and that’s a wonderful thing, Scotty! LET HER SUFFER THE LACK OF THAT EMOTIONAL NEED!! What do you think Plan A and/or Plan B are intended to do??? You might be about to rescue defeat from the arms of victory.

Look at things this way, friend. What with the OM possibly deserting her, she’s not getting an awful lot of emotional needs met right now, is she? If she’s still in contact with him, the support from him isn’t very enthusiastic right about now. I’ll bet that (poorly furnished?) apartment she has feels pretty darn cold and empty at night. OM isn’t there, you aren’t there, the darn dog isn’t there...and I’ll bet her shattered fantasy world just isn’t a very warm, fuzzy place anymore. It’s no fun only having $300 a month margin and I’ll bet she sees her former lifestyle slipping right through her fingers and she’s beginning to wonder about a lot of things.

Scotty, don’t you remember reading of a similar situation in SAA? In one of Dr. Harley’s examples, wasn’t the lack of financial security--one of the WS’s highest needs--one of the reasons the WS came home...where a real recovery could be started?

Think, Scotty. Think long and hard and then REFUSE to do anything to make your WW’s life easier unless she has moved back home where you will be the only man to meet her emotional needs. Again, do NOT set yourself up for failure.

Ryan,

I agree with the others.

Place "Bogus Advisor" on ignore.

Jo

That's a good thing; she should pay for her actions. Do not finance her affair as you put it, unless those debts are yours.

When you meet, look nice, be nice, be cool and happy, but at the same time, protect yourself, emotionally and financially.

Longhorn,

If she starts to talk about money, what is my response? I was thinking about telling her nicely, that I will not talk to her to give her anything while she is with OM. I have a PLAN B letter printed out and ready to present it to her, as well as an Email she sent me before she came home about how much she wanted us to be together. I am going to give her the email and tell her that when she is ready for the life she wanted, and is willing to be with me, I will accept her, and we can work on our marriage.

Does that sound about right or am I jumping the gun. Should I just calmly say I don't want to talk about money right now, and leave her hanging?

Thanks,
Ryan.