That's about all you can do for now, man. Stay strong.

If she did go to the other man, what is my next move? I can try to continue with the letters that I have been writing. Do I still reach out to her to try and meet her needs? Or do i just back off? I know I have been told to give her space, but others say that seperation is a sure way to divorce. What a mess, I sure am sorry that it ever came to this. The affair, and my actions that contributed to her having her needs met, by someone else.

Ryan.

Well the OMW sent me an email, confirming that her husband is out of town in Pennsylvania, as well. So I have to think that the affair, is far from over and in fact is in full swing, both of them had to drive 4 hours to meet. I will continue sending the letters as Jennifer suggested, but I think for my own health I am going to have to stop any other contact. It is amazing how your mind starts to make something out of nothing. I thought she had stopped talking to him and was starting to open back up to me, but I guess she was just playing me to get what she wants. Wow, it is amazing how when you don't think you can hurt anymore something like this happens.

Ryan.

Yeah, I don’t believe in coincidences and this one would raise a red flag even if I did. But it’s no real surprise, is it? I’ve had the idea for a while that she was just being coy and waiting until she had everything she wanted before dropping the pretense, and I see you have come to that same conclusion.

Ryan, I think it's a mistake to blame yourself overly much. You know what? You might, or might not, have been the finest husband in the world. Few of us men are. You might have missed some signals, you might not have been able to meet all of her emotional needs and you might have been too busy earning a living to support her to be everything for her. So what? Nobody is perfect and none of the things she may have only THOUGHT she was lacking justified her committing adultery, period.

Here’s another thought. She may have been vulnerable, but that doesn't mean she suddenly became a helpless victim of fate, unable to think or reason her way through a bad time. She was a reasoning adult all the way through this. If she had not allowed her integrity to become compromised, none of this would have happened.

There’s something you must do, I think. You’ve set your cheating wife up on a pedestal that she most assuredly does not deserve. You need to let her fall off that pedestal and take her chances walking through the mud and the slime she herself has created.

Ryan, you cannot MAKE her come back. She must find her own way home and it has to come from inside her. It has to be her idea. I think she must hit bottom before she can earn her way back up on that pedestal and so long as you are shielding her from the credit card bills, the cars, the storage facility, being solicitous of her feelings, etc., she isn’t going to do that any time soon.

Right now, I think there is nothing more to do but let things percolate and stew in her adulterous fantasy world. Be mindful of the fact that this isn’t a computer game and there are no instantaneous outcomes. Let Ark’s thread guide you. Sit back and watch what happens and be ready when an opening presents.

You can’t do anything more, Ryan. You’re doing the Plan A that life has dealt you. If she were at home, you could do better, but there’s no use worrying about things you can’t change. You’re doing Plan A—that’s the important thing. You have said you’re doing what you can to make yourself an attractive spouse and you’re being considerate and courteous when you’re with her. That’s all you can do at this point so don’t sweat what you cannot do.

But, above all, quit feeling sorry for all this. You are not at fault here. It is she who decided to cheat and you weren’t responsible for her bad choices.

Here’s something else to read, just to get a little better perspective. It's from, of all things, a book review on Amazon.com about a book by Emily Brown. If you (or anyone else) needs the URL for full information, email me and I'll provide it offline.




Pardner, the best advice you can get at this moment is simply to go to bed and get a good night’s rest. It isn’t easy, but put this out of your mind for a while. Find something you enjoy doing and immerse yourself in it. Find the peace Ark was talking about, okay?

Hang in there, man. You WILL come out of this one way or the other.

LH

After ALL this and she still continue to see him and sleep with him, do you think it's maybe time for you to move on?

Did you tell this OM's wife about your W's little trip as well? I guess she doesn't really care like you do.

sigh.....

Well I just emailed her the PLAN B letter. I guess I should have put the fact that she was with him this weekend out of my head, but I couldn't do it. I will just move on and see what happens.

Ryan.

Ryan, please ignore some of these individuals who counsel dropping the WS like a hot potatoe. Some folks are just too embittered by their experiences to offer the best advice.

Okay, if it truly IS time for Plan B, do you have all your finances in order and made sure you can go completely dark? What are you going to do about the dog? Keep him? Do you have an intermediary through which you can coordinate legal matters, etc.? Remember, Plan B is when you totally cut yourself off from your WS. We call it going dark.

Longhorn,

All of my finances are in order. We have seperated our accounts, she has her apartment and all her utilities and I have my place and my bills. She is refinancing her car, and she already pulled my name off of all the credit cards. I think this is just a means to an end, but I can't take sleepless nights thinking about the two of them in some hotel. I will keep the dog. That will kill her, but she should have thought about that before she continued pushing the affair. I will go black as night. I have asked that everything go through her parents or mine. It will kill me to miss her surgery on the 14th, but she is so far gone, I don't think it will bother her at all if I am not there.

Ryan.

Okay, well, this is what Plan B is for. It's to keep you from having to deal with the WS on a daily basis, knowing they're being deceptive. This moment seems to have come upon you suddenly but that's how it is sometimes. Don't second guess the decision, pardner. It's done and now we see if Dr. Harley's program will work on WS. Remember, in 85% of the recoveries he talks about, a Plan B must be implemented before the WS comes to their senses and begins to work their way back to the BS, however slowly that process might be.

Now, more than ever, it's time to find ways to keep yourself occupied and your mind off your wife. She's dug herself a hole and she'll have to dig her way out. If OMW is aware of the adultery and might even work on him a little, it'll make the fantasy a little less rosy. The OM may be getting some heat from his superiors too. OP's usually pass any stress right along to the relationship, making it more difficult for them to meet your WS's emotional needs. What it is, is that all hope is not lost. While you've done what you can, events and pressures may continue on the other end. Find a peace within yourself and let Dr. Harley's program work, okay?

Hang tough, Ryan. We're all out here to help you along the way.

All,

Well first day of NC with the WW. I sent her the email for PLAN B on Sunday. The cause of PLAN B, was because she had lied to me about going to Pennsylvania with a girlfriend, and I found out she was going to have a one night stand with OM. When I found out I made the mistake of calling her, it went to voicemail, and I told her I knew she was with the OM and that it hurt me. I was mad all night thinking about her lying to me, she had told me she wasn't talking to him. Then she drives for hours to sleep with him.... Damn I hate the thought. Oh well I guess I need to seperate myself from them and their actions. This is going to be tough, but I think we both need it.

Ryan.

P.S. Would it be wrong to go through her family to find out how her surgery goes? Or should I just do nothing?

Ryan, going black means going black...period. You've already told us the surgery is minor, so leave things alone. If something untoward does happen, you'll find out about it because people, perhaps your in-laws, will make a point of telling you. Whether you know immediately or later is of no consequence. You can't affect it either way.

Now, Ryan, are you listening? Get control of your emotions...and do that right now. I really think Jennifer would have counseled you to hold off a little longer on Plan B, but you reacted emotionally and didn't give the professional a chance to help you. Quit doing that, pardner. I’m retired military. What you’re doing is what we used to call "shooting yourself in the foot," because it is very, very counterproductive. Quit doing counterproductive things, okay, Ryan?

Remember the old admonition that when you’re angry, count to ten before saying anything? Well, it's never been truer. Pardner, you need to apply the essence of that warning every time some thought of your adulterous wife comes to mind. Think! Don’t emote, you hear? If you had taken a while to analyze everything after finding out she was meeting OM in Pennsylvania, you could have come up with a strategy of going to Plan B after the surgery, if knowing it’s outcome was so important, right?

Ryan, in these highly emotional circumstances in which you find yourself, you must stop reacting emotionally every time you come across something new. I know it sounds contradictory, but you are only adding to your misery when you do. Peace, okay? Reread Ark’s thread and do those things that will take your mind off your problems for a while instead of dealing with them 24/7. And go to your doctor and inquire about antidepressants, please. Let a trained, experienced doctor make a decision about whether they are appropriate or not.

Ryan, can you make an appointment with Jennifer ASAP to discuss what has happened over the weekend? If you accepted her counseling by having made the effort to call the first time, perhaps you should give her another chance to help you?

Man, set yourself a goal. Today, you’re going to push this obscenity out of your mind for a period while you lift weights, run like a madman around the gym, work on new shelving for the garage, read one of the old masters of literature—WHATEVER. Find something to do, Ryan. With your WW not thinking about your welfare, it’s high time for YOU to start considering it.

Be strong, Ryan.

Longhorn,

I took your advice and scheduled a call with Jennifer for Wednesday night. I mailed the 2 letters we had worked on this weekend before I found out about the one night stand that OM and my wife had scheduled. I can really see that this is the end, unless the OM breaks it off with my wife. She will be willing to wait for him, because that is exactly what she did for me while I was in the Navy. We carried on a long distance relationship for 3+ years before we got married.

I have been trying to do somethings for myself, I do go to the gym everyday. I know I have an unhealthy obsession with the outcome of this situation, I think part of that is due to my nature and part of it is due to the fact that I love my wife more than ever. Not because of the affair, but because I was depressed and now that I have come out of my depression, I am able to feel again. Sounds strange, but it is true.

Ryan.

What was her response to your email finding out about her one night stand?

There was no response. No email, no phone call, nada. But since I am in PLAN B I will ignore any contact that she makes.

She is gone. Expecting her to come back is like expecting an ex-girlfriend who broke up with you and who's currently in love with another guy to come back to you. Possible? Yes, maybe 10 years from now, but even with that being said, still very slim.

How come those letters you wrote to OM's employers have no effect on his job? Is OM's wife divorced with him? Will she co-operate with you to continue with the exposure?

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BestAdvisor1,

This is a Marriage BUILDERS forum. Please familiarlize yourself with the Marriage Builders concepts & principles!!!!

JustUss

The wife I know is gone right now, you are kind of right. But I don't want her back the way she is now. She needs to be much closer to the woman I married, before I want her back. I am willing to wait for that woman, but the person she is now, I don't want to have any contact with.

Ryan.

Ryan,

I implore you to click on BestAdvisor's name and place her on your "ignore list". Her words to you are unhealthy. She has NO MB experience nor has she read Dr. Harley's materials.

Your wife is NOT your girlfriend and they do tend to come back more often than not...at some point in time...to their marital relationship.

Affairs RARELY last more than 2 years from exposure. Especially an exposed long distant affair where OM can't meet the majority of her needs on a consistent basis.

Plan B is to protect any love you have remaining for her awaiting that inevitable day the affair crumbles in upon itself and your wife once again can think clearly.

IF you are in Plan B you need an intermediary to read and respond to any communications for you and without your involvement (lest a particular question requires your input).

Best Advisor...please go away...this is a serious website with real life problems that you may or may not understand someday when you grow up. This isn't high school or college and your "real world" posts do not reflect Harley principles AT ALL and that is why people are coming here.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W,

No worries with BestA, I have been around long enough to know that either he/she just likes to make people feel bad, or he/she has no idea that the concepts here can and do work.

I responded to the question because it might mean something to those of you that have good valid input. I emailed my wife saying that I knew about the meeting with the other man, and I didn't get any response from her. It really did hurt me when I found out she was meeting him. that is why I went to PLAN B. I would not have much to do with her if I knew that she was continuing that behavior. This way I feel I am protected.

Ryan.

Good. I think your best move at this moment is to place yourself in Jennifer's hands and let her give you the benefit of her expertise. We out here will help you implement what she advises, okay? Hang in there. We’re with you.