Well the wife called me 3 times last night. I didn't answer the phone, she left 2 messages. I am going to continue to stay silent, and be still, it was hard not to talk to her, but I almost feel impowered. Before it seemed like she had the power because she decided when we would talk.... now it is in my hands.

Ryan.

I just recieved an email from WW, she wants to come pickup the dog and go through the storage unit and find out how much I will pay on Credit Cards. I sent her back an email that said I will not talk to her or see her while she is still having an affair. I am sure that will make her mad, because she has an agenda and a plan, and I am not playing by her rules.

Ryan.

In Plan B...you need an intermediary to intercept her emails and respond for you. You don't even have to be aware of them unless they concern a matter only you can address and it's important.

Maybe you just auto forward her emails ...so you don't have to get her to agree to communicating with an intermediary.

Set it up now...before she sends you a bunch of emails and calls escalating in anger as she gets more and more frustrated.

Mr. Wondering

The come pick up the dog and the storage is just a way to make you communicate with her. Arrange someone to be there to pick up the dog and communicate through email only regarding the bill so there is no "emotion" involved, because you're on Plan B, right?

If you express any of the following including mad, sad, upset, anger, etc., she got her power back.

Was there any apology about lying about the one night stand?

Ditto what MrW said, Ryan.

BA, what Marriage Builders materials have you read and what is your background?

Just recieved this email from her:

"Just so you know, I didn't sneak off to see him this weekend. I don't know how else to tell you!!!

Please mail me the keys to the storage unit and I'll get my own stuff out. I'm not going to take anything that isn't mine and I'd like to be civil about this. Also, please forward my mail to me. Our agreement with the dog was for 2 weeks, and I'd like to pick him up. We don't even have to talk."

Of course I am going to forward her mail, but I don't think she should be able to take the dog. Also I will probably go through the storage unit and put her things together and send them to her. Are these things I should have taken care of before PLAN B? Some people said I was too easy on her letting her take what ever she wanted when she moved out. Her list of things to take care of, was very property motivated, I think she is looking to take care of as many bills as possible, hers and mine so that it won't be a problem in divorce. Also she needs to pay off her bills because she won't have much money. I don't believe her that she didn't go and see him this weekend.

Ryan.

Her tone sounded cold. I don't think she meant that she didn't go see him, I think what she meant was she did not sneak off to see him, she did it openly and that she just didn't know what to tell you.

Anyone besides BA, and his ridiculous ideas? I thought I was doing the right thing, but after I got her email. It made me think that maybe I jumped to conclusions, and maybe she didn't go up there to see him.... Of course she could be saying that to get what she wants? I wish we could just be honest with each other, but the fact that I called her Saturday night and she didn't answer, I recieved an email from OM wife, and I drove by her apartment Saturday night, all make me believe that she was somewhere she shouldn't have been.

So please help me I am a little confused about PLAN B, she is going to get very frustrated and angry if I continue to not talk to her. She will get mad that I kept the dog, and didn't let her into the storage unit. She will get mad that I am not paying "our" credit cards, even though she had me removed from them.

I guess I didn't know how much we still needed to have contact. Is this something that is normal in PLAN B? Does she have a reason to be mad? I am just trying to protect myself.

Ryan.

Of course she's going to get angry and frustrated when you won't talk to her...it takes the control out of her hands and puts it back into yours.

Plan B is NOT about making her happy. Its about protecting you from her. Its about keeping what little love you have left in the lovebank from being drained out by her behavior and actions.

There's no reason for you to discuss anything. Do you have an intermediary that she should be going through? If not, you need to set one up. That way, you no longer have to deal with her directly, and can get on with healing yourself.

If you don't feel the dog situation is fair...then don't give the dog back. Have your intermediary send a response to her telling her this. And ignore any further communication attempts by her.

Plan B means you no longer communicate with her. That's where you need to be getting to as soon as possible.

You have a brain, think about it. What are the chances that both she and OM are going to the same location at the same time without anything going on? OM's wife wouldn't have told you about his trip if it was just a business trip and nothing else.

My reading of her email could be wrong, but so could yours. Either way, you know what happened.

Ryan, did you send her a Plan B letter and designate an intermediary?

Yes, Ryan, you should have made some arrangements for an intermediary before hand, but what's done is done. Don't sweat it. None of this is an exact science and everyone's Plan A, Plan B, etc., is hit and miss sometimes.

The thing I'd do first right now is find a friend willing to help you out for a while with communications between you and your adulterous wife.

Second, quit reading her emails and messages. Don't reply to her except through your intermediary and then only to the extent you absolutely must. Dark is dark, Ryan. Listen to what the wise Owl says. He knows whereof he speaks, okay?

LH

did he send her a Plan B letter?

Melody,

I emailed her a PLAN B letter on Saturday. I said in the letter that our corespondence should go through either her parents or mine.

Ryan.

Ryan, then it is imperative that you STAY DARK. Most waywards get furious about Plan B because they are no longer in control. She is EXPECTED to get mad over this. Listen to Owl and Longhorn and STAY DARK, lest you lose all your leverage with ruined credibility.

Hmmmmmmmmmm

Ryan, please reconsider that. Parents tend to be too emotionally invested in one party or the other and that seems to me to be counterproductive right now. Can you find a friend who would be willing to handle this small chore unemotionally? If you can't, you can't, but it might save you some difficulties later on.

How can you expect her to respect you when you violated your own rule within a week by responding to her email personally?

I will be black as the night. I am going to mail her a couple of things from the storage unit because I said that I would, and I am a man of my word.

Ryan.

PERFECT