Called and booked appointment with Jennifer for Thursday.

I continue to get confused and am confusing my WW. When she left she took the address book that had all of our friends and family and their addresses. I called to get their addresses so that I could send Christmas cards and gifts. She asked if I was going to send anything to her parents and I of course said, yes they are still my family and I think that they are wonderful people. She told me that she didn't want me to send them anything and that, "I was just trying to get her back." She seemed very upset that I would send them something for Christmas. I didn't really know how to respond except to tell her that it wasn't anything exravagent just something that my family always loved (Harry and David fruit/food basket) She then got all pissed and said that I was going to do what ever I wanted and she was going to be pissed. I told her that we were still married and I still respect her parents, her response was that since we eren't living together, that everything is not fine and I shouldn't be acting like it is.

Any ideas?

Ryan.

Maybe it's making her feel guilty to have you still be nice to her parents? You've know them a long time, what is the harm in giving them a small something for Christmas, IMO.

There you go again...thinking anything she says is meaningful. Knock it off, Ryan. LET her be all pi$$y and depressed. When she gets tired enough of being despondent, she'll do something to change her own mind. You do what you feel is right and don't worry about what the alien thinks.

FamilyComesFirst, and Longhorn,

I know that she feels guilty. She also says that all of the good things that I do, she thinks are a way to "buy" her back. She keeps questioning why I am doing these things now and I never did them before. I tell her that I am trying to be the person I want to be, but she doesn't believe it. I am going to do the right things anyway and if she is guilty because I am nice that isn't my fault. Right?

Ryan.

Ryan, listen. Let her say anything she wants to say; let her question anything she wants to question; let her believe anything she wants to believe. You cannot control any of those and they aren't necessarily bad signs anyway. You need to concentrate on doing Plan A without expecting anything in particular from her one way or the other. Plan A is all about you, remember? Work on YOU and let the effects of your changes influence her to whatever extent they can.

Let us know what Jennifer has to say, okay?

LH

Longhorn,

Thanks.

I had to reschedule my appointment with Jennifer for this weekend. Can't wait to talk to her.

Ryan.

Excellent.

Hang in there pardner.

LH

I should be talking to Jennifer tomorrow. I am anxious to see what she recommends. I have stopped calling my wife, every time I did she said it felt like I was just checking up on her. In fact when ever I would do anything for her she would say it was only to get her back and then everything would go back to the way it used to be. It has been 2 days since I have talked to WW and I really hate it. I guess I will just sit back and see what happens. I can't influence her.

Ryan.

And are working on yourself in the meantime and making a good life?

Believer,

I have always replied yes when people said that, but I am thinking that I don't really understand what that means.

I don't think that I was a bad person before, I did neglect some of my wife's needs, but I worked hard, made good money, came home to her every night and treated her well.

I have been hitting the gym a little more, I have started going out a little, but it seems so unnatural when I go out and my friends are trying to hook me up with other girls. I am thinking about moving out of my place and into a nicer condo, but it seems like I would be giving up, by moving on.

What do you mean exactly by working on myself and making a good life? I know it seems simple, but I had a good life before, now it seems very disjointed. How can I fix the things that were broken (not meeting her emotional needs) if there is not a time to do it?

I am a little down the last couple days, because even though we didn't always have great conversations I still loved talking to my WW. I am trying to back off and see what happens, but it will be a huge blow to me and my ego if she can just walk away, and is happy that I am not calling her.

Ryan.

I am really down tonight. I think that I am going through withdrawal from my WW. Pretty sad that I miss someone that cares very little about me. It is such a change from the loving feeling that I have had from her for the last 11 years.

Ryan.

Are you talking to Jenifer tonight? Let us know what she says.

Not tonight. I had the day wrong. We are talking Sunday at 8pm.

Working on yourself means doing things that make you "all that you can be," and going to the gym to tone up is part of that. It could also be taking up biking, hiking, camping, etc., anything that gets you out of the house, energized, and active. Personally, I like to say this subject includes anything to keep a person busy and stop one from obsessing about the wayward spouse. I like to suggest things one can do with one’s hands (woodworking projects, hobbies, etc.), but one could also read that great piece of literature one has been putting off forever, the latest NY Times best seller, take a course in (whatever) from the local community college or something like that. How about learning to be a PI, for instance, or take a course in photography, gardening, auto repair, etc.,etc. Succinctly, I feel it’s anything that will improve you and, at the same time, keep you busy.

OK just got off the phone with Jennifer, I am going to need a lot of help in the next weeks/month.

Jennifer pretty much laid out 3 plans, she prefaced that my situation is pretty bleak, because we don't have any kids, and my wife is very independent. In Virginia you have to wait 1 year before you can get a divorce so I have until Sep 28th of 2008 before I will know my outcome.

Plans:

1.) I can file for a fault divorce claiming adultery and it will all be over, not what I want.

2.) I can go to PLAN B, but with a wife that is so independent and without kids, Jennifer thinks that this is just a long way to divorce.

3.) Continue PLAN A, but modified, so that I can not love bust. Use Letters, use text messages, use emails don't put myself in a position to argue with her. Don't put her in a position to love bust me. Every week find something in the books that I would like to work on for myself and write her a short paragraph and let her know what I have learned. Even this won't do much while she is in her affair. Jennifer said that this is going to be one of the very hardest things to do, trying to stop my taker from feeling abused.

I was also mentioned to protect my LB from any other women. As this goes she cautioned that I could find myself in very inappropriate relationships, due to my vulnerability.

So I am going to continue, even though my wife is very hostile, and every encounter makes me miss the woman I married even more. She is just an alien, she is just an alien, she is just an alien.

Ryan.

Just to re-emphasize this:

You are an emotional basket case right now. Relationship disfunctional right now. You will soon find that woman are attracted to unavailable emotional men.

Don't share your story or lean on any woman during this crisis in your life. Any woman that is/would be attracted to right now has ISSUES and wouldn't be a good candidate for a relationship no matter how nice and concerned they appear to be.

Sure...it will FEEL nice to have some attention from the opposite sex when your wife is withdrawing love bank units and destroying your self-esteem, however, YOU, alone must build yourself back up.

Your wounds will heal much more quickly if YOU do it. Don't rely on a crutch. Actually, AVOID female crutches (get GUY friends and family to assist you). Trust me (and Jennifer)...the only thing that can make your situation worse is MORE adultery.

Salve yourself. (I like that play on words)

Mr. Wondering

I think Jennifer has outlined your only chance at getting this back together, Ryan. Work hard at the plan you and Jennifer devised, and no falling off the wagon this time, okay? Hang tough, pardner.

Longhorn, and Mr. W,

Thanks for checking in. I know that this has been a run-away train, but I am going to follow Jennifer's advice. I am concerned that it is too late, and that my wife is gone, but I am going to give it a shot. I now know that she is enjoying the single life, she is going out with girls that she used to look down on, but now she says she loves it. I can only hope that she will come to her senses, but I know the feeling of getting all the attention she gets when she goes out feels great. She is a wonderful woman and quite a catch so hopefully, things will work out, but if not, then I will have tried my best.

Ryan.

So a quick question and I know it has been asked before, but Jennifer thought I should send my wife a text message every day to let her know that I am thinking about her. If she is truely as wayward as she seems do you think that this will just make her mad? I have friends that are saying just leave her alone, if she is angry at me, all that I am going to end up doing is making things worse. This whole situation is such BS, I really wish she would just give things a shot. She keeps saying that she has nothing left to give, do you think that is some fog talk or is she really just spent in this relationship? I know that the OM is still in the picture, so I am not trying to listen to what she is saying, but I have to believe that she tells some truth? Wow, I know she is worth it, but this is going to be very hard for me.

Ryan.

Right now, I believe Jennifer thinks your best bet is maintaining some kind of contact with your WW, but that your WW is in such a state of mind that personal contact only exacerbates things. It seems to me Jennifer is suggesting a somewhat impersonal means of contact so as not to ignite a confrontation, but still keep you firmly in the forefront of your WW’s mind. Essentially, you’re in the business of out-waiting your WW and her affair. It’s going to be very, very tough on you, Ryan, but we’ll all be here to help you through it. Be strong, pardner.