Well day 4 since I have actually talked to my wife. I have sent her text messages and a couple of emails, but no response. I kind of feel like a stalker, but I don't know what else to do? I would love to talk to her, but I imagine that she will be screening her calls. I talked to Jennifer and she said that just call and leave a nice voicemail, so that she knows I am thinking about her.

Wish me luck,
Ryan.

Hang in there, Ryan.

LH

Ryan,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's incredible difficult to be so broken down that you are grasping at straws to SAVE your wife from making the biggest mistake of her life.

It's almost as if you've been reduced to a young man with a big ole crush on this girl and you are staring at the phone willing it to ring. If you could just get some face time you just might get her to like you. Such behavior is never really effective. Your "willing" it to happen won't be successful because it's exhausting emotionally and if and when she does call your desperation becomes apparent.

What to do?

Mostly trust God to work on her. Do what you can when you can. Sporadically make contact and reach out to her. But when contact IS made you must be a lovable person in order to attract her. To become a lovable man with a joyfilled blessed heart worthy of admiration and desire you must FILL your life with meaning to YOU.

Get out. Do things. Make lists. What are your goals, irrespective of your wife choices. Your life doesn't HAVE to be on hold while you await her decisions. Take on a project or two. Work on the house. Get in the best shape of your life. Take walks. Take a trip (simply let her know and how she can contact you). Spend meaningful time with family and friends and finally, and most importantly, invest yourself in prayerful time with the Lord.

Whatever His will is, will be done. Trust that.

Choose to bloom where you have been planted.

For Him.

Be lovable...to Him and whatever happens...happens. You are transitioning from either being a unhappily married man to a single man or a man in a new recovered wonderful marriage. Working on you...prepares you for both outcomes.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering,

I think that you are right about the face time. The last time we met we had a really enjoyable talk over coffee. I don't know what to think right now, but I am just going to let things calm down a little and reach out to her when I can. Jennifer suggested doing text messages everyday, but I think that might be a little much?? What do you think? I sent her a nice short email asking her about her plans for Christmas, I let her know that she would have a couple of small gifts under our tree and that we would love to have her over. She has not sent a reply. I pretty much expected that.

Ryan.

---Update---

Well I just got a call from my wife. It went to voicemail, but the reason she hasn't responded to my emails or text messages is that she has been in the hospital since Monday. She had a blood infection, possibly from a titanium rod she has in her leg. She seemed very nice and was appologizing that she hadn't sent me the addresses of the family so that I could do Christmas cards. I called her back and we talked for a couple of minutes. She seemed good. I am going to continue with Jennifer's plan, I feel much better now, knowing that she wasn't just ignoring me.

Ryan.

Well I have been following Jennifer's advice, and thing are going pretty good. At first my wife wouldn't answer my text messages. Now she is answering the text messages and being very friendly.

I just went over to her house to drop off the her mail, and she looked ok. She invited me in and showed me some pictures of her and the Jindo on the beach. I started looking around and noticed that she didn't have a Christmas tree. I asked her why she didn't have a tree and she told me that she had no way to get it home (she has a 2 seat sports car). I told her I wanted to go and pick her up a tree and she started to tear up.

I left and picked her up a tree and came back. I dropped the tree off and gave her a hug wishing her a Merry Christmas.

I sure miss her. I hope she comes back.

Ryan.

Oh, you are doing just fine. GREAT job on the Christmas tree!!!!

Thanks Believer,

You have know idea how nice it was to see her and have her put her hand on me today. I hope she decorates the tree and it reminds her of us.

Thanks again everyone. I am a little broken today, because I want her to call and say thanks or anything, but I know can't expect anything.... it still hurts.

Ryan.

What you did was great. Not only will the tree remind her of you throughout the holidays, it is going to be something that she will remember for years to come as evidence by her tearing up.

I think you have done alot, it might be time for you to back up a little and let her contact you.

Nothing really new to report. I sent her a text earlier today and she replied, with a very short thank you for the tree.

So I am back to short quirky emails and texts for the week and then I will give her a call next weekend.

Ryan.

So, are you getting out and doing things? Making a nice life for you?

Believer,

I think so... I am moving into a new place. I have been having a great time going to Christmas parties, and spending time with friends. Sometimes it just feels like I am moving away from her. She mentioned something odd the other day on the phone. I didn't really talk to her about it, but she was a little emotional and she mentioned that she doesn't want to be alone, but that she doesn't want to go back to the way things were. She is really strong, and I know she can do it on her own, but I do miss her. I will just try and be there is she needs anything.

Ryan.

It seems weird that as I move on with my life, it seems like my WW actually feels less guilt because she knows that I will be OK? Is that about right? At first she was very worried about me, and how I would handle it, now she seem relieved??? Odd.

Ryan.

"she mentioned that she doesn't want to be alone, but that she doesn't want to go back to the way things were...but I do miss her"

It sounds if she was fishing for an opening to dicuss recovery.

If you miss her, tell her that you don't want the old way but a new and better way, and you both can reach an agreement such as NC and all the related details such as the both of you meeting each others needs. Why not approach her and give it a try?

Because the professional advice from Jennifer was to NOT contact her beyond a carefully crafted limit.

Exactly right Longhorn.

I am going to keep things very slow for now. I did invite her over for Christmas, but she said she had plans with some girlfriends. She did send me some photos from her vacation at the beach with, her and the dog. Did I mention my wife looks absolutely stunning in a bikini. She is talking with me albeit very cautiously so I don't want to scare her, with too much relationship talk. I know that she is scared and thinks I am too controlling, so trying to control anything right now is asking for trouble.

Ryan.

Make plans to have a fine Christmas of your own, Ryan. Invite some friends over, or accept an invitation from friends or family, okay? Above all, stay with the program Jennifer and you have devised.

LH

Longhorn,

I do have plans for Christmas, but I thought I would see if my WW, would come over for dinner before I made them official.

It is funny we talked on the phone tonight, and she seems very concerned about me.... She wanted to make sure that I wouldn't be alone on Christmas and that I had someplace to go. Is this normal WW behavior? It seems like normally the WS just forgets about the BS and does what ever they want. I asked earlier, but now that my WW sees me moving on with my life, she seems less guilt ridden is the a good thing if my end goal is reconciliation? I guess it doesn't really matter since I am doing it for me, but I don't want her to think that my moving on means that I am ok with her leaving.

P.S. I am leaving in the next 20 minutes to go see her. The online drug company sent her drugs to me, and she needs them for tomorrow. So the dog and I are going to go visit her.

Thanks,
Ryan.

I just don't know, Ryan. Frankly, I can't get a good read on your WW's state of mind, her goals, or much of anything about her. I think you should pose your question to Jennifer the next time you talk to her.

LH

Longhorn and all,

I guess I shouldn't feel bad that I can't get a good read on her either.

Tonight she called and wanted to go to dinner, but I was at the gym so I couldn't make it. Later when I found out that the drug company had delivered to the wrong address I called her and she seemed a little hesitant when I told her I would bring them over. Once I was at her house, we talked pretty normally about her job, my job, the dog, and some of her friends. I stayed about 30 min and then we said our good byes. Her eyes looked a little teary, but I really think it had more to do with the dog leaving than me.

So I am going to continue the plan that Jennifer set out for me, just simple text messages to her to let her know I am thinking about her. And maybe call her once a week to talk.

I am very confused, but I am feeling a little better about my own recovery. I really want my wife back, but I know I will be ok if she doesn't come back.

Ryan.