Calibabe I have my parents or his mother get the kids...I'm sure that one day we will have to see each other, and on that day, is the day your hair and nails, makeup are all done and you're smelling good and looking good. Just dont be obivious. Keep the talking down. Let him start all the talking. And then say bye.

He's going to leave thinking about the way u looked and smelled.

Naturally you going to be thinking.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> boo hoo, didnt he even notice, doesnt he even miss me, etc....but trust me, he'll notice, he's just playing it cool.

BTW Calibabe.....STOP READING HIS EMAILS...reading emails by him is breaking NC. Dont let him have that control on you. If you love him and miss him, let it be because you do...not because of the manipulation of him sending you love mail. BECAUSE I ASSURE YOU: he probably has a message that pops up on his computer that tells him when you read your emails and whether u deleted it or not. All emails have this option, you just say whether you want to activate it or not. So when you check your emails, just delete them, dont open them....time will tell by his actions whether he has the pop-up and notice.

ok, some of you have followed my other threads and most have not...My question, is there hope?

When talking to other people (especially family members)they all think its hopeless. WH will never change, though he loves me, he will never stop cheating. Even if stops with this OW there'll probably be another. I should just forget about him and go on with my life. They based this on the fact of all the things he has said/did to me...for example, he says he's in love with OW, Going back and forth from me to other woman trying to decide who's better for him, the fact that he watched his father cheat on his mother all his life, the fact that he was spoiled by me and parents, etc. The fact that even though he was having an A, he was still cruel at going about it-not hiding it anymore once all was in the open. The way he is trying to share the blame.....ok should this be written off as FOG and one day (while in Plan B) he will wake up, or this man will never stay faithful to anybody. As far as I know, this is his first and only affair ever. (I mean yes when he was younger-a teenager-he played the field-but as an adult-I think he's never cheated b4-we've been together our entire adult life.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Does any other BS family wanna write-off the WS?

WB10

My family and WS's family want to me to write him off! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> They all say I would be crazy to let him back in my life after the way he treated me--PARTICULARLY after he was busted!

It took me awhile to get there, but now I agree with them. So sadly it's Plan D for me. In the meantime, I'm doing a pretty awesome Plan B (even if I do say so myself).

Stay strong

Smartiepants

wakingbeauty10,

Hi, I'm the BH who "wrote" the Plan B letter that you were given as an example. I put wrote in quotes because I took the Plan B letter from Dr. Harley's SAA to start with and modified it to more accurately describe my situation.

I am not a Plan B Expert (will be starting Plan B later this month after WW moves out) but I did have a couple of thoughts after reading yours. I don't know if you've already sent it or not. If you have, I guess you can ignore this. If not, just take it into consideration.

Dr. Harley advises that the BS take responsibility for their role in the state of the marriage prior to the A. That does not mean you are taking responsibility for the A. That does not mean you are at fault for the A. Believe me, my WW also has justified her A and blamed me for it. I do not accept her justifications or her blame. But the WS needs to hear that whatever unhappiness the BS contributed to will not reoccur.

As I understand it, the PBL is the only contact you are supposed to have during Plan B. If the WS tries to contact you, you simply resend the PBL. This becomes the only thing they have from you and they have plenty of time to process it over and over.

Is this really what your role was in the M prior to the A? I ask that because that's the sentence I wrote to describe how I contributed to the state of the marriage. I don't know if it applies to you.

I think this sentence has got to go. It seems quite judgmental. Did your WS say that his A was to punish you? If not, you are ascribing negative motivations that don't exist.

The parentheses seems like a dig and it contradicts your statement. See how it says that you want WS to do the same as you, but also more. Also, you both won't be doing the same thing to make the marriage work, because you're asking WS to not speak to OP ever again and that's not a request that WS needs from you. What WS needs from you is to know you won't hold it over his head for eternity.

This has absolutely got to go. I consider it a DJ. You cannot tell another person what they do or do not feel or understand.

Huh? Did you mean to write 'whether the marriage survives or not'? Do you want the marriage to survive? If so, I would not include that disclaimer. Because by saying that you will be able to forgive regardless, what incentive does WS have to help the marriage survive?

Again, the parentheses portion is totally unnecessary. Also, a 'pure' PBL only asks for permanent NC with OP, nothing else. I added a couple of things to mine and got some flak for it. Personally, I don't think you're asking for too much, but I don't think the extra 'with anyone' is really necessary. I think 'further infidelity' is generic enough to describe ANY further infidelity.

I'm sure there will be other opinions about this, but invoking God is probably not advised in a PBL.

This seems like a bit of a DJ. I'm sure you feel WS is treating you like that. No question there. But it comes off a little angry.

In general, the PBL is supposed to be a 'love letter' not a 'punishment letter'. Similarly, Plan B is not supposed to be a punishment that you're inflicting in order for revenge. It is designed to remove you from the situation that is causing your love for WS to disappear.

I recommend getting a copy of "Surviving an Affair" for some more information about Plan A/B, ENs, DJs, etc.

I've been there. I've had days when I wanted nothing more than to fight hard for WW and days where I just wanted to end it all. This is an emotional rollercoaster and you will bounce back and forth from time to time.

When I felt most hopeless was after exposure to FIL, who basically said to me 'Oh well. I liked you, but when WW makes up her mind about something, she never looks back.' Some of my friends and family (and other posters here) also felt like I should just forget about it because it won't work out. I felt very hopeless, upset, angry and sad.

Yet I don't feel like that right now because WW has completely changed her attitude and actually told me today that she loves me. This is a huge change from two months ago.

My point is that you shouldn't make any rash decisions. One day you will feel like there is no hope. Don't rush out and get D papers, because a week from then you might not feel like there is no hope and you will regret the actions you took in the heat of the emotion. Go into Plan B where you will have time alone for months to be calm.

Also, you know about the fog. Everyone else does not. They will take words and actions seriously that you know are just bunk and need to be ignored. So try not to consider how your WS acts in the fog as the main reason to give up. Consider the actions taken prior to the A.

wow!, if someone, especially fil would have told me that, I would have been crushed, you are a lot stronger than me. Its nice to hear someone believe there is hope. However today, I really really really do feel like giving up....but the weird thing is, Plan B is starting to get to him. However I can't help how I feel, I dont want to fall out of love for him but without trying its dying, I'm just soo tired. ok On to the plan B letter.........

I had two kids that we exchanged (for better words) twice a week. I wouldnt say more than necessary to discuss issues with the kids. She would try and talk more about things and I cut the conversation off. She would then try and call and make small talk.....I would just say I had to go and could not talk.

What pi$$ed me off to no end? Why in the heLI did she want to talk to me then?? Why did she blow me off and only want OM until I ignored her??? People are so fickle its unreal.

Good point I will add the point that things will be different the second time around. and No I havent sent letter yet.

That makes sense.

Yes, WH would tell me over and over what he needed from me however I never saw, realized that he was just THAT unhappy. He never told me, he only complained...but would always say he was happy. I would ask was he happy and he would say yes. It wasnt until after the affair was discovered that now he says he wasnt happy. I on the otherhand, verbally expressed my unhappiness in the marriage. But isnt it funny how the one who expressed unhappiness is the one who didnt have the affair. hmm?!

No, he didnt. You're probably right. This Plan B letter brought up a lot of hurt.

[color:"blue"] I am asking more out of WH then NC with OW. B4 the A I was thinking about leaving my H, but decided to give it one last chance so we went to MC. Even after me telling him I was unhappy, it took up going to MC for him to see that I was serious...but there was little to no change.

So--even if he never cheated on me ever again...whats the point of getting back together if he going to keep up the same DJ, AH, all the LBs and giving me no ENs. + he is very immature. I'm not saying this as a brat, this is the truth...a great boyfriend but husband and father, he still acts 19. I told him I know my part and in Plan A, I was doing everything he said he was lacking. But he still gave me nothing, plus was still seeing OW. So he's going to have to do more so--I love him and I want this marriage to work but I can be misery by myself. [/color]

That's true that you can not feel another person's pain....but saying "doubt" expresses "in my opinion" And trust me....if you were to talk to him...you would consider him clueless to the pain that he caused me. hmmm I would think about whether or not to take this out or rephrase it.

yes!


The incentive is to be with me. I wanted him to know what I will forgive him. Even if I remarry, I will not hate him forever.


You're probably right.

No, I have to keep this because my WH has become very hellish. Its better to do things that make God happy and see if the marriage doesn't iron itself out.


Yeah! I'm Pissed!

ok, there is no way I'm sending a "Plan B love letter" then he will think..."ok let me bang OW on the coffee table a couple of more months and then I'll go back to my wife-she'll take me back because its in the letter."
ok so obviously I have the wrong attitude...but I'm sooooo mad and hurt by my WH right now that he can either sh** or get off the pot. Yes I want my marriage but I am not desperate. I am done with his games...he better straighten up fast b4 its too late and I dont want him anymore.

I have to go....when i have more time, I will tell you what WH is doing during Plan B.

wakingbeauty10-you've got to be strong. I know its hard, but we have to be strong for our children! Think positive, something good will come out of all this!

WH is begging me to come home. I want to wait a couple of more weeks....11 days surely isnt enough to go back home is it? Its hard to snoop when u r not living in the home. GPS is no longer in his car. He told me he broke if off friday night(10/12/07)-that could be a lie.

He's home all the time waiting for me, I need to get in that house to get my SAA book to figure out what to do next.

Don't go back....it's not soon enough. 11 days is not enough for a person to change. Let him suffer some more! How many times has he told you before that he had broken off the A and that was not true? He needs to realize that you are not playing games and he needs to take your decisions very seriously. Be strong woman, be strong!

First, if you're really in Plan B, WH shouldn't even be talking to you. Second, one of your conditions in the PBL you wrote was that WH needed to commit to NC for a considerable length of time. Four days is not a considerable length of time. Try three weeks. Plus, he should be providing you proof of NC for that entire time. Third, what actions has WH taken? Has he offered to go to marriage counseling/coaching? Has he offered to write a NC letter? Don't go back to the house just to get your book back; ask him to mail it or someone else to get it for you. Right now all you have is the word of a WS and that isn't worth much. You need action, remember?

Oh-oh, hope she didn't go running home to him. I don't think she even sent her Plan B letter.