They became friends when they worked together. He quit the job he was working with her back in February. But he told me that they continued communicating via email after he left that job. I enrolled in the same karate school as she did with our kids, but it took us a while to realize that she and him were working at the same company.

Considering the time he spends at home, I don't think he has gone all the way with her. He NEVER goes out. I mean NEVER. He plays hockey once a week with a neighbor of ours, but I see him leave and come back with him.

A few weeks ago, he went off for a whole day to see a mountain biking race (something he wanted to get me involved in). I was convinced he was gone with the OW during that day. However, I went grocery shopping and she was there with her kids... so I know he wasn't with her.

I've been discussing this affair thing with my parents tonight. We analyzed his schedule and the time he spends home... if there was a PA, it has been during business hours. EA... not surprising though. That can be done easily during work hours.

The OW has been divorced for 3 years, has 2 kids and is 8 years older than H. She's attractive, bright, independent which is why I wouldn't be surprised H is attracted to her. Heck, I would be attracted to her.

My husband went to work everyday, and came home after work. He was taking time off work and meeting the OW in a hotel. So you can't count on there not being an affair even if they are home all the time.

Could be an EA though.

What was it that you were saying that hurt hubby so much?

He was hurt when he found out that I had feelings for another man (no EA, no PA), but it made him freak out. Says he can never forgive me.

Talked to him again this morning. Today his outlook on life is better. He feels he made the right decision by leaving.

I had suggested coaching with the Harley's yesterday, he was open to it, but he closed up the door today. Said he would do it only to make me happy, but it wouldn't change a thing. Do you think it's worth it anyways???

BTW, I phoned his cell phone carrier and I'm getting the bill for the last 3 months. They are charging his account though... didn't find out about it until they made the copies. Ugh.

Was he speaking to the OW at the time of discovery?

Absolutely. But if I were you, I wouldn't invite him along for now. I suspect he is in an affair and until that truth comes out he won't be honest anyway. When it comes out, Steve Harley can talk to him THEN and try to talk him into giving the marriage a chance.


GREAT! That is a good first step.

Ok, I made the appointment with Jennifer Harley for tomorrow night. It's going to be one on one for now... we'll re-evaluate after the first session.

Now I just need to figure out what to tell him when he gets his cell phone bill, the additional charges? He's going to be soooo pi$$ed!

ML, please tell me, what do I tell him, when he gets those extra charges on his cell bill??? I know I have to expose this... but what if, what if there is no affair????

Tell him you were checking his phone bill to see if he is having an affair. Does he have a PROBLEM WITH THAT??

My only concern about this is that he finds the charge before you get the goods and is tipped off you are watching him. Did you hire the PI?

mbm, lets get some perspective about this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with snooping on him. You have a RIGHT to know about every single phone call he makes. You are his WIFE and have every reason to believe he is having an affair. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair.

Sorry, I missed this question before.

They have been "speaking" for over 2 years, which is when they met (started working together). I have no idea if he told OW about the discovery he made. The only person he told me told about was my mom. He made my mother promise me not to tell me anything. My mom sure regrets it now. But at the time, she didn't want to break his trust.

I haven't hired the PI yet. I think I'm going to call to make an apointment to talk to them tomorrow.

I have a sneaking feeling that this affair has been going on for some time. And when he found your feelings about your CRUSH for this other guy, he used it to justify his own. It was PAYDIRT. His reaction makes no sense in any other light. To say he "couldn't ever forgive" you and then not be bothered a whit if you still saw him and brought your kids there, sets off my red flags.

And why are you so SCARED about getting caught snooping on him? Have you been conditioned to believe it is WRONG to snoop on him? Can you give me some background here?

Yes, I have been conditionned that it is wrong to snoop on him. He's a private person, and each time I have tried to snoop in his stuff, he tells me "see, I knew you didn't trust me, you've gotta trust me, babe"

I've always been straightforward with him, but he's often lied to me. Once I did catch him in the act (that was a few years ago... wasn't an affair but he had quit a job without telling me and was driving around town doing whatever while I was left to handle all the household responsibilities, a FT job and a 18 month old child). After that episode (2 years ago), where I confronted him, he told me a lot of things about his past that he had either lied about or hid to me. Since then, I've always been a bit suspicious of him. But, he's always told me since then... "I wiped the slate clean, please trust me."

So yes, I have been conditionned to not snoop around his stuff. He's snooped around my stuff be4, and I don't really care, because I am honest.

When we were at the MC last week, he said that he had been dissatisfied in our marriage since about 8 months ago. That's not a long time, if you ask me. He left his old job with the OW 8 months ago. I did think that was extremely weird timing. So it's either he went into "withdrawal" from her when he left his job OR he met someone new at his new job. He has never talked about anyone at his new job. In fact, this summer, he was very proud to introduce me to all his coworkers.

OW has quit their old workplace a few weeks ago and is at a new job. I would be surprised if the affair was going on during the day now (she can't get away from her job right now)... she has FT custody of her kids. I know that this weekend, she does not have her kids. Maybe I'll go snoop at H's new apartment to see if she's around this weekend. Maybe that'll be my proof right there.

If not, it's another woman related to his present job that I have no clue about.

This is what I thought, mbm. This is a classic smokescreen put up by a DISHONEST PERSON. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. It's a simple as that. He is not "private;" he is SNEAKY because he has something to hide.

Three weeks ago, he was furious, because I got a hold of his username and password on facebook, and snooped in his inbox. Nothing too incriminating. He had contacted one of his male buddies telling him that things were not going well between us. However, a few days before that email was sent, he had told me I was the love of his life.

Last Thursday, I snooped in his inbox and found an email he sent to OW that said that he was "starting his new life" on Friday. He told me that he had "planted" that email there so I could find it. True that his inbox was mighty clean... it looked to me as though as he was covering his tracks.

He "planted" it there? lol

Oh yeah, my mom was talking to me last night and thinks I'm trying to dig too deep in this affair thing. She's very suspicious when it comes to people. She's downright paranoid, and she said she'd be shocked to find out he had an affair. She said I should drop it and move on with my life. Find myself a man that will truly appreciate me. She thinks H has stuck around for the free ride (my income is 5 times his)... like I have no other qualities mom? thanx... how depressing. How can someone stick around 15 years just for money? Because we are common law, he won't even get spousal support.

Sometimes I wonder if I am not downright acting desperate right now. You know, grasping at straws that aren't there. And I don,t want to grovel.

Even if (and I think that if is probably a is) there is an affair, how do the ****** I break it??? I've heard of peeps moving away with the kids, but I can't quit my job... I have a great well paying job, I can't exactly throw that away because it is part of my kid's future, ya know???

Oooooh I'm so freaking confused right now.

Why did he "plant it?" To punish you and hurt you?

That's what he said. And it didn't phase him at all. Seemed like his response was ready. I don't know if it's because it was true or because... oh I don't even know anymore.

I dunno, typing this all out, it feels like it really is hopeless.

You know, he's left me with a 3.5 and 7 year old? Those are very YOUNG kids. Talking to my mom again, I told her that I can't believe I'm going to be the single mom of such young kiddos. I don't know how i'm going to raise them on my own.

Your mother doesn't want you to be hurt anymore and does what most mothers do: try to get you to dump the "bum." It is much easier for her say because she is not emotionally invested in your marriage, as you are, but is very emotionally invested in HER DAUGHTER. Whom she wants to PROTECT. She means well, though.

Now, you would be within your rights to move on and do nothing. Howver, if there is an affair, that is the CAUSE of this split. If it is the cause of this split, which I very much believe it IS, [and I have more experience than her with this] then it is very possible to save your marriage by busting up the affair. There are no guarantees but we have had numerous marriages SAVED around here by killing the affair.

Do you not find it a little odd that he planted it there to PUNISH you for checking on him? He very much wants to discourage you from ever snooping............FOR A REASON: he has something to hide. He wants to manipulate you into believing there is something WRONG with snooping, doesn't he?

If your spouse felt concerned enough to snoop on you would you want to punish him or would you go out of your way to be OPEN and TRANSPARENT so he wouldn't be concerned anymore? What would a loving spouse do?