Ahhh the Great State.

CJ, I think you should look into a session with the Harleys as soon as possible. I really think they can help you lay out a real tactical plan to end the affair and get a chance to recovery.

But...this is a pretty new marriage to be facing the infidelity monster. You will probable get some who will tell you it is not worth it. Are you ready for that?

You two have no children together?

No children, and I have been told to just chalk it up. I don't want to chalk it up. I have been married before, and it took me a long time to be able to agree to marriage again. I love this man, and I really believes that he loves me. He told me that he was having conversations with this woman because she was having marital problems, and I believe she pulled him in. That is not to say that I think this woman is completely at fault. It was my husband's fault too. But, I also was not paying as much attention to him as I should have. I think that if we can rectify this situation, we have a shot at a great marriage.

That's good CJ.

If you really like the concepts at this site, talk to the Harley's. They are a lot cheaper than a divorce.

Have you explored the concept of emotional needs? You should get a copy of His Needs Her Needs as well.

Something was missing for him from you in the marriage. What do you think it was?

I did get a copy of His Needs Her Needs and have been working my way through it.

You know, when we were dating, we made it a purpose to spend time together, make sure we were there for each other. After we got married, I let too many people who "needed" my help come first. In the meantime, he was neglected. When all of this came out, I couldn't see it, but as the last month has passed, I realized that he was a prime target for this type of thing to happen because I wasn't paying enough attention to him.

On the other hand, I also think he could have talked to me instead of this other woman.

You are doing good CJ. Plan A is far more effective if you have more contact. Think on that.

Be prepared for his pitiful Wayward snit fit when exposure is done. But he will live. Hopefully the affair will not.

Keep reading and learning here.

I have to go coach a couple basketball games so I have to take off. I will check in tonight and tomorrow if possibe.

Thank you very much!!!

You are 50% responsible for the condition and environment of the marriage. He is 100% responsible for his CHOICE to have an affair. That is his alone.

You did not get a vote on it.

Thanks for reminding me. Sometimes I take the weight of the world on my own shoulders, and do realize he is at fault for the affair.

You're thinking that if you stay, it might get better. If he is like mine, it wouldn't. He will lie and lie somemore. If you discovered, he will try a different method to hide his cheating. Read my post. Five years of misery and look where I'm at. Still going in circled. If I did end the marriage when I found out five years ago, I would have been in a different place in my life now. But I don't know your husband so he maybe change. Who knows what the future holds....

CJ,

What's your status today?

You exposed to work. Any tremors?

You were agreeable to exposure to OWH. Any progress on that?

Have you spoken to WH recently?

Why do you think your WH is not initiating a divorce?

You mentioned OW's note on the refridgerator. Is she now living there?

I am angry right now. No word from work, but he works for a big hospital so it may take a few days. I can't find the OWH. The last time I heard from OH was on Tuesday from email, talking about bills and asking indirectly how my weekend away was (I went to Colorado to visit some friends). I don't know why he is not initiating the divorce, except to say I am not convinced he really wants one. The OW is not living in the house, but I think she put it up there because she knew at some point I was going to be there. I confronted him on that, and he said he didn't realize it was there. Of course, WH could be lying, wouldn't be the first time. I am not initiating any contact with WH, he initiates with me. Every time, except for the one.

And OW has initiated a divorce, but it has just been sitting at the District Clerk for two months, in Texas in order for a petition to be served, the judge has to sign an order authorizing service, and that has not been done either.

It sounds like you WH is generally satisfied at this time in cake eating mode. He has his OW and still gets his "fix" from you when he needs it.

Plan A would have much more effect if you had more contact with him. If that is not possible you will have to be very patient for any Plan A impact. Have you tried to get together at all? If you do, it should be pretty low key and have no relationship talk and no love busters.

All that said, priority one is still exposure to the OWH. OW is probably cake eating too or she would be pushing the divorce paperwork along.

Otherwise you will have to consider Plan B down the road if he will not end the affair. Have you read any on Plan B?

Eventually it may become neccessary to remove yourself totally from his life and not allow him his "fix" from you.

I haven't tried to get together with him, it kills me. I saw him about a week ago, but not since. I know I will have to see him at some point next week, we are averaging about once a week. Any suggestions?

I am still looking to locate the OWH, but so far am having no luck. But have a few tricks up my sleeve...

I have read about Plan B, but want to ride Plan A a little longer first. Its a gut instinct...but I still worry that I am just in denial. But I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. I want to fight.

I agree with you about Plan A and you seem to have great patience. You will need every bit of it. I also have a feeling he won’t like Plan B much if you ever have to do it.

I will see if I can get a few of the women folk over to discuss how to effectively conduct a womanly Plan A attack. Right now I would suggest dress nice (new clothes if possible) and think about your hair and hands. When you are together be happy and cheerful (I know, that sucks!!) stay light and avoid conversations about the relationship.

You want to be the woman any reasonable man would happy to be with. Be a little mysterious and remember how it was when you were dating. No neediness and no “I Love You ‘s ”.

Keep looking for OWH. You will find him. Have you entered their names in search engines, on-line white pages or any of those people finder sites? I have had real good luck without spending a dime.

You fight in Plan A as long as you still feel you can. Plan A is like a bucket of water with a little hole in it. Every day a little more love leaks out. You go to Plan B when you still have a little left in the bucket to preserve.


I believe you.

I have. I have access to sites that "laymen" don't have access to, but the only thing I can tell so far is that they seem to have the same address. The problem is I am not sure. I want to do a little more looking around before I send anything, hopefully I may be able to find out where he is employed and send something there.

I want to thank you...just talking to you about this has given me a sense of strength I haven't had. I am angry, and I love my husband. I will be damned if I lose him over this.

I have also lost about 15 pounds through all of this, and when I see him, make sure I look good, but classy. This woman he is with looks really cheap. And I don't mention the relationship...I did make that mistake one night and he hung up the phone on me. That was a few weeks back. Since then, I don't mention it. I just pretend I am really happy and having a great time. That was what I decided to do when I wrote out my plan A, which was right after that hysterical phone call. It is tough, though. But I don't want him to know that...

You are very welcome.

I will warn again that it concerns me greatly that infidelity has occured in a marital relationship this new. But I will stay around as long as you want to fight.

I won't be around much this weekend and the boards here are usually pretty slow Saturday and Sunday. So, have as good a weekend as you can.

Plan A is about you making real positive changes in yourself so keep working that too. Do something good for you this weekend.

Take care CJ.

I just got a response from the hospital. They are going to investigate the affair!! Policies about personal relationships...they want more information. I have pictures. I feel so empowered...

What kind of pictures? Some picture might be interpreted as just friendly.

Well they were sitting on a bench with her in front and his arm around her waist. It wasn't exactly a "friend" picture. The HR at the hospital requested that I send additional information if I had it.