Two weeks ago, my husband of 1.5 years told me he could not take the drama in my life anymore, that he was emotionally depleted. It is not anything major, I have daughters and we found out my middle child is pregnant. She is married and old enough, but we wanted her to go to college.

That night, he want to get something to eat, and when he wasn't back two hours later, I did something that was always taboo to me, and broke into his email account. There I found pictures of him with another woman, someone he works with. There were also little "love" emails. I was absolutely devastated. I had no idea this was going on.

I moved out right away, and went to stay with a friend. I have seen him one time, while we were trying to return something through Federal Express. We stood in the parking lot, both of us in tears, and sadly said goodbye.

I went by the house last night to pick up some of my belongings, and there was a note posted on the refrigerator from this woman saying Love You Baby. I sent him a text asking him to please respect my feelings and take it down while I was there. He said he was sorry, and that he didn't know it was there.

The thing is, I love my husband. I don't want to get divorced, and honestly I don't think he does either. He says he doesn't think there is a future for us, and that this is the best thing for everyone. But he can't look me in the face when he says it, and my husband NEVER cries. I don't understand.

Is there any hope that my marriage can be saved? [color:"blue"] [/color]

Hi CJ,

Welcome to MB! I'm sorry that you have a need to come here, but you've found a great place for information and support.

To answer your question... Yes. It IS possible to rebuild your M.

Read the articles here and try to learn as much as you can about the dynamics of an affair... then come back and let us know how we can help you.

Rebuilding your M isn't easy, it's full of pain, and it takes a long time... but it CAN be done. There are many great people here that have been where you are now... and they've rebuilt their marriages...

I wish you the best as you start your journy.

Semper Fi,

RIF

One of my questions, do I keep in touh with him or just let him go? I really don't want to let him go, I believe in the bottom of my soul that we can work through this, but what do you do when one person seems to be unwilling?

Hi CJ,

Have you read about Plan-A? You don't want to appear 'needy' to him... so don't go beg him to come back... but you DO want to show him your best side so that you will be more attractive to him than the OW...

The MB website explains it all and there is a separate thread just for Plan-A that you can post your specific questions on...

The weekends are VERY slow around here, so if it takes a while to get a reply, don't give up... there are some great people here that have been where you are now and can help guide you as you make your plan...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks RIF...I will go read plan A and get to work. I am glad I found this place...but not glad for the reason. Thanks...I can use all the help I can get!

You're welcome CJ! I'm usually around during the weekends and late at night... so if you have any specific questions, I'll try to help you as best I can...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi RIF: I am hoping you are still around. I followed the Plan A, and did not contact him. He has been contacting me, though, through email and text messages. I needed to pick up my dog last week and had to see him, but played it very cool, and pretended to be very happy. I also went out of town to visit some friends for the weekend, and he knew I was going. He sent me a message asking how my "friends" were doing. The communication is starting, although through email, but I am keeping the lines open and trying not to look needy at all. Just chatty. Plan A seems to be working a bit so far...any other suggestions??

This is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like there is this great weight on my chest. One minute my husband and I are communicating through emails, and the next I don't here from him. Is this normal? We have been apart almost a month, and I have only seen him twice. The first time was a disaster, and the second was about a week ago. I was positive, looked good, and pretended like I was absolutely fantastic. In the meantime, my heart was breaking, and I had to walk away from him. He looked like he had been crying and sounded miserable, but I just left and went back to my friend's house. The really scary part of this is I really want my marriage to work and I wonder if I am building myself up because my gut feeling tells me that eventually it will, or if I am just in denial. Comments?

CJ,
Based on what I have read all over these boards, the erratic behavior you are describing is completely normal. I know its hard to disconnect your rational mind from your emotions, but you need to try and take everything he says/does with a grain of salt. To make sure you are fully understanding Plan A, its not so much about acting happy and presenting your best side to your WH, as it is about making positive changes in your life (such as correcting behavior that your husband may have had issues with) that your WH will see. The idea is that you can't change him, but you can take charge of your life and make yourself a better person, one that your WH wants to come home to!

One question that you will soon be asked here is whether or not you have exposed the affair to your family, to his family, to his work, or just anybody that can put pressure on him. Recovery isn't possible until the affair is over. You mentioned that it is a workplace affair, so that might give you a great piece of leverage against this affair. One member here referred to it well as a Tsunami of Truth. Don't give him any warning, just notify HR of what is happening. He'll be very angry for sure, but your marriage can survive anger. It won't survive an uncurtailed affair.

Best of luck in your journey.

Hi CJ,

Is the OW married?

You need to expose this affair to everyone who can put pressure on it to stop.

OW's husband
Their Work
His family
Any church groups

Affairs thrive in secrecy and wilt in exposure. You will not make a single step forward to save your marriage as long as the affair continues.

Yes he will be angry, but your marriage can survive his anger, it will not survive his mistress.

Is there any way you can get back home? It's his affair, you should not have been the one who left.

Has any legal action been started? If not, go back home. You need to get back in your house.

Have you got a copy of Surviving an Affair? If not, get one fast.

You are being very polite and nice. Polite nice people don't win many wars. You can still Plan A but stand up for yourself. Do not assist him in any way to conduct his affair. Have you made any steps to protect your finances.

If you want to save your marriage you need to get a plan. Make an appointment with the Harleys as soon as you can. They can help you start a real plan.

What was the condidtion of the marriage before D-Day?

Okay it is exposed. His family knew, and some of his co-workers, but I emailed the HR department. Of course, I took the chicken's way out and did it anonymously.

I am scared...

What about the OW? Is she married? If she is her husband must be told. This is the most important exposure.

Do you know her?


{{{CJ}}}

We have all been there.

No. I am just generally scared because I really want my marriage to work. I don't know her husband, but I do know there is a divorce action pending that has not been worked on.

I work in a law office as a paralegal, so I have access to information that the general layman may not be able to find.

He needs to be told regardless of a pending divorce. It is the right thing to do.


Then you need to expose.

Okay.

Do you think there is any chance you can get back home?

You are in Plan A so it is okay to occasionally remind your WH in a firm, steady, calm, non-needy and reassuring way that your still believe in him and want to build a new and better marriage.

A lot of waywards get into the “She/He will never forgive me so I won’t even try.” excuse mode.

No. I tried.

He refuses to let you? Is there any legal separation action started?

No. But he owned the house before we got married.

There are funny laws in Texas about property. It is his sole and separate before we married, so I have no stake in it.