How long did you know his guy before you married him?

Almost two years. We were best friends for the first year, and the we started dating.

I feel very sad right now. I don't like this emotional rollercoaster. I am very afraid that I will not be able to work through this. I want so much to save my marriage, but what happens when the other person doesn't seem to want it? I know I can only make the decision, and it is too soon to tell, but I hurt so badly right now that I think I am losing my mind.

When there is an affair, the wayward spouse NEVER wants to work through things. Your husband is just the typical WS. Work on contacting the OW's husband and let him know about the affair. It doesn't matter if they are divorcing. Let him know what is going on in his life.

I am still looking for OWH. I am going to try to run a little more background on him tomorrow, and see if I can find a current address and phone number. I hate being in a state of limbo...

Good for you. Exposing the affair is the best bet. Once the light is shining on the affair, it often ends. Then he will be much more willing to work on the marriage.

You know, I sent him a text yesterday just asking him how he was. He said he doesn't know anymore. Usually he tells me he is fine, and not to worry about him. I don't think the exposure at work has come to light yet in terms of him and the OW, just to HR and they just responded to the email on Friday, but it seems he is struggling. Then again, I don't know anything anymore. I am trying very hard not to read into anything he says.

I am having a particularly hard day. I wonder, if my husband was going to choose the marriage, wouldn't he have done so already? It has been a month. I miss him so much, and just want to try to repair the damage that has been done. I am so scared, and I don't know where this fear is coming from. I have been on my own before, I have a good job, am educated, can provide for my daughter (his step-daughter). So why am I having such a difficult time?

You can't read anything into a waywards words. They are either lying or using a torrential mudslide of verbal illogic to deceive. Not much in between.


One month is nothing here. This will take a long time. If you get the opportunity to recover your marriage that process will take longer than you have been married.


Nope. I think your WH is into heavy duty cake eating right now. He wants two fish on the line in case he loses one. He could put off a decision for a very long time.

That's why the affair needs to be cripled with exposure.


There is less fear if you are following a solid plan you believe in. Again, I really think you should look into a session for yourself with the Harleys.

I agree, but it is a matter of being able to afford it right now. As it is, I am displaced, and trying to get on my feet. I am staying with a friend, but need to be out by the end of November. I am just frustrated...I really want the marriage to work. I am also not the most patient person in the world, and I know this is going to require patience. Every once in a while I just have a total panic attack, and venting on this board seems to help.

All right I found the husband's address. Going to do it...pray for my marriage.

Going to contact her parents too.

How are their reactions?

I was not able to get any phone numbers, just addresses from a public database, so I sent letters. We will see how this plays out, but I am hoping that the parents will show some influence on their daughter and she will leave my husband alone. I would like to email my mil, but she is in munich and only speaks German. She knows about the A, but I wonder if she heard from me if that would make a difference. She is a mother who supports her son no matter what.

Don't hope too hard that they will have much impact on their daughter. The "Blood is Thicker...." line is generally the outcome. But it is still important for them to know and it will put on some pressure and discomfort. They will show solidarity and support of their daughter to you but hopefully it will cause some serious, "What the He!! are you thinking?", discussions at home.


Contact by phone is still the best way. In a phone conversation they can hear your (hopefully) calm tone and determination and can not outright dismiss you as a nutjob. You should continue to try to find phone numbers if you need to follow up.


Most do. If she already knows it probably is not worth your time and heartache. Many here have been shocked how quickly their in-laws of many, many years can just turn on them and support their precious adulterous spawn. It is just another level of betrayal.

My XML said she only wanted her children to be safe and happy. This spring she had two of her children in their 40's living with her due to their infidelity with married partners. Her precious angels combined to destroy 3 marriages (18 years, 15 years and 26 years) and commit 5 children to broken families. But, you know as long as they're happy and all it must have been worth it.

Opps! Sorry, I am not bitter.

How has the exposure to OWH gone? Don't be scared, be strong. For the sake of your marriage be strong.

As for in-laws, chrisner is very right. They love there children and will be behind them, even if they don't agree with there desicion. My mother-in-law is supporting me fully, but my WW's grandparents (the ones she is staying with) are supporting her, no matter her choices.

It will take lots of time. Here's to hope.
Rummi

I haven't heard anything yet. But, my WS did call me this morning. It was about a past due bill, and we started talking about all the bills. We have agreed to meet Monday for dinner (nothing fancy, just at McDonald's) to discuss how we are going to survive the financial impact all of this has had. Although he made it very clear it was "just business" I am looking for any suggestions on how to handle this meeting. I feel confident, but also don't want to blow it. Help?????

You have probably seen this prior on the site but..


“Peps” The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm, comfortable and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking and not asking for acknowledgment, approval or anything in return.

Stop all lovebusting behaviors. These include selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty.

Communicate with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remain open to the possibility of recovery.

Offer forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking of the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicate the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establish boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Stand up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.



DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. Repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tomorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP


So at the meeting:
Look good.
Act good.
Act cheerful and happy.
Avoid relationship talk.
Avoid divorce talk.
Avoid Love Busters.
Try to find something sincere to compliment him about.
Don't ask, "What are you going to do?"
Remind him that you are open for marital recovery.
Tell him you believe in him.
Have the last words. (positive)

Thanks Chrisner...I will probably read that over several times. I know this is a small step, and that is what needs to be done now, and this is not an overnight process. But regardless of the reason, it is more promising now.

Hi CJ. Are you still out there?

Did you have your meeting?