Initially posted in Plan A/B
Here is a shorter version of previous post:
18 yrs of what was a good M, but not perfect M and W agrees
Here is the history:
- Late last year I recieved a call from the OW informing me
- I blow up and for three weeks I interrogate/ck up on W
- Finally, my parents, her parents and she tell me I should move out for a while to cool down (10 months and still out)
- I start seeing counselor thinking I am the problem
- 2 weeks later she admits she has feelings for OM
- She says nothing going on, just emotional A
- Tried plan A, but not perfect at it, I still do L busters
- In March, she hires a lawyer for a dissolution
- We are both Christians
- Went to 3 diff counselors but she says heart not in it
- WW says they only kiss, but she is in love
- WW admits to spending night w OM, but no sex (d/n believe)
- Says she no longer loves me
- WW says OM is not reason for D
-- wants D because she is afraid I will not forgive and repeat the things I did when I found out about A
-- waking up in mid of nite, calling out of shower to ask ?s, interrogating all the time
- WW d/n consider it to be an A: says only friendship; I can't figure this one out
-- I told her friends d/n kiss, are in love and spend nite
- I believe I was good H: faithful, I showed her I loved her everyday, no abuse of any kind
-- I just did not meet some E needs: time, gentleness
- Her parents say they w/n talk to her if takes me back
-- her parents have own problems of trust
- My parents have since apologized to me and support me
- 2 weeks ago we went to sign papers, but both got cold feet
- 2 days ago she signs but not me (mutual decision)
- Next day she wants me to sign and so do I
- WW says still afraid of failure and pain for our 3 children (23, 21, 15 yr old at home w her)
- This is my first M, her second M
- WW says OM is so gentle, never argue, lets her do anything
-- Found out OM history: had other A's, domestic violence, finance problems. WW verifies but protects him
- One day OM calls me and yells that I will not talk to my W after the D; then lies to my W and said I yelled at him
- I told her in a gentle way she is addicted
- She has said she has broken it off several times but she always comes back to him.
- Tried Plan B but only for a week or so, but now I think it is time to sign the paperwork and really stick to plan
- WW has built a house of cards with the lies
- Even though she will not end A, she believes she made effort to save M; d/n want to try counselling again
- Help!

Welcome. You need to stop LBing COMPLETELY. Also if you don't want a divorce, DON'T agree to one. Make her do the work of forcing a divorce.

Ninety-nine percent of affairs end. When hers does, she will be more interested in working on the marriage. No matter what she says, it IS all about the OM.

Why don't her parents like you?

Have you exposed the affair to your children?

I would suggest going to Plan B and staying there until the affair ends. Before you do, make sure everyone, especially your kids, know that your marriage ended because of the affair and tell them about this sleazy OM.

You can't turn back the clock now, but I will just tell you that moving out of your own house was the worst decision you could have possibly made and likely made this impossible to save. It only facilitated the affair against your best interests. But there is no use crying over spilt milk.

Sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

sounds like this OM is a real winner. It is all about the OM and sounds like the WW wants to replace you with him.

What are doing to protect the youngest from him? You need to establish some boundaries about OM presence with your kids.
Not sure what the deal is with the OM saying you will not have contact with WW when D is final. Sounds like he is bit insecure - perhaps there is an opportunity to flush out his instability if thats the case.

I wonder if the her waffling on the D signing is because the OM is pressuring her for the D - thats why the threat from him. He is the intruder and the predator to your family.

Is the OM going to move in when the D is final? Why aren't the kids with you - at least the youngest?

Thank you for the advice! LBing is definitely an obstacle on my part but after reading about it again, I finally realized last night what I was doing wrong.

Her mother and I never got along. She says I was too strict with my older two (from W's previous marriage) and treated my own child differently. My wife and I dated in HS (1979-80) and some things happened there that she holds over my head. We did not get married until 1988. We lost contact contact btn 1980 and 1988 and then rekindled the flame.

The kids know of the affair, but she says it is not sexual, though she admits to me only that they kiss, love each other, spent the night at least once that I know of. Kids know of the night spent together. She has to stay overnight in his town about once or twice a month for business. They work together but are not located in the same towns so they don't see each other everyday.

As for the D, I will have to think about that one.

Have you exposed the affair at work? To his family?

I told my kids about his background. I asked my youngest, how is almost 16, if she wanted to move in with me (if this guy moved in or they got married). She is a strong kid, and said "dad, I need to stay with Mom because if something should happen, she won't say anything, but I will." I was so proud of her!

As for the OM calling me, I think he thinks my W is his "territory" once we get a divorce. She says, the only time he gets mad is when she and I talk and she becomes sad. Sounds like he is not so concerned about her, but more about me trying to save my M and end his A.

Like Meloday says - have you exposed them at work?

I did not expose at work, but I think they know. His family is well aware, but they are divorced now. OW and I used to talk about the situation, but not anymore.

Expose at work. Write a letter to HR, and tell them that the workplace affair has already ended one marriage, and you are about to lose your family. Ask them what they plan to do about it.

You know, I may just do that. Only concern would be the financial implications (if we did D) on me because she could lose her job and I would have to pay more child support. But, I also know that finances are not my biggest concern...my marriage is.

I get a sense that she is being pressured to go thru with the divorce. Slow it down if possible - this may not be her decision she is making. OM seems to be a controller from my POV.

If she does follow through - then Plan B - but it just may fall right into the OM;s plans. He sounds like a real nut job. BTW - you should be proud of your DD.

She can always get another job, IF she loses her job. But you want to use all the tools you can to try to save your marriage.

As far as your daughter wanting to protect her mom, she is being very sweet. But a 16 year old is supposed to be the child and BE protected.

I would calmly discuss that with your wife. This guy sounds like he is bad news.

For now, drag your feet on the divorce.

Does OM have children?

It would be a good idea to expose the affair at work and to expose him to his family. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. His family only knows the lies he has told them. They might not appreciate him bringing some married adulterer around to meet them as his gf. Call his parents and tell them this is your wife and their creepy son has busted up your marriage and your children's family. I know that as a mother, my son would not be allowed to bring his affair into my family. There would be he11 to pay if he had an affair with a married woman.

A good way to expose to the workplace is outlined by BritsBrat, a member here who is also a corp atty:

In my capacity with a very large company, I see these types of situations 2-3 times a year. Disappointingly, Companys usually will not act strictly on the extramarital affair. Intead, you have to give them something that is near and dear to their hearts - their pocketbooks and the potential for lawsuits. If anything is going to get a reaction out of this Company, you need to send your letter to the CEO with copies to the head of HR, head of Legal and both of their supervisors. The letter should read something along the lines of:

Dear Mr./Ms. CEO,

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

John Smith and Susie Doe are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. Mr. Smith and Ms. Doe are using Company time and company resources to further their affair. Attached is one example of countless e-mails exchanged between them during the workday. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship. (If they have traveled together on Company business, you would insert that here).

If you have any questions, please call me at 555-555-5555. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Agree with Mel and Believer - expose at the workplace. The A and the workplace are obviously linked.

This guy sounds a bit unstable, so this might be a way to flush it out for all to see. You need to make his life more complicated. He is having it too easy so far.

And if the guy calls you again, tell him this:

"MY marriage to MY WIFE is none of your business."

Thanks, I copied your example ltr to my computer. Still debating if I should do it or not but I am so glad the forum brought it up. The OMs ex wife called the legal office (state workers) about the A some time ago and was shot down. I just don't want it to backfire on me. Being a state job, I would think the political implications could also cause them problems...governors don't like scandals in the workplace.

I would send the letter. They may do NOTHING, or they may start getting tired of hearing about the affair and take some action. AT any rate, your situation is so far advanced that you need to make every possible effort.

If it involves a governor's office, a little statement in the letter about the public trust being violated would be helpful.

I would also note in the letter that it was possible that during any future legal proceedings (such as legal separation, mediations, or divorce) that my report to the governor's office regarding this illegal behavior under their auspices had been reported, and that a copy of the letter may be required to be included - along with the governor's office response and any action taken - with my legal filings.

They should be put on notice that this is a matter of PUBLIC record, and you would not, of course, wish to embarrass the governor, but as a man trying to save his marriage this may come to pass.

Given the fact that the previous notice had been made by OMW, it might get them off their a$$es. You might also let them know that YOU KNOW they did nothing about that before, and that you expect action now.

Nothing like the possibility of political scandal to motivate folk.

SB

Her parents don't know the backgrd on this guy. I asked her if she told them about it and she said yes. But, she hates talking to them about the issue because it always ends in a fight with them, so why would she tell them his backgrd (previous affair on first W, domestic violence, financial problems and more)? So, next week I am going to let her know that I am going to tell them. It will be a no-notice discussion so she cannot prepare. Something tells me she has not been upfront with them either. Why would I tell my parents I am having an affair with a nut? If she was actually honest and did tell them, I have nothing to lose. BTW, her father is very suspicious of a man's motivations, so if he does not know, he will say "what the he%# are you doing?"