Hi Sadmo

I have read your posts a little bit, and am wondering why you are not in Plan B, esp now that you are D, you need to remove yourself from you XWH, and all the drama that surrounds him and OW. Maybe I have missed something, but as long as you are prepared to talk to him, he will continue to use you to keep you hooked into his affair world.

I also believe you won't move on, until you stop communicating with him on matters that are not child related, and even these should be kept to a minimum. You did the right thing by not answering any of the 5 calls he made to you. You are not his friend, and you are not someone that he can ring to talk to when it suits.

You need some space to focus on your life and on what you want. Leave him to wade through the mess that he has created for himself.

I know this is easier said than done, but you owe this to yourself and your children to remove yourself from this situation. You will have good days and not so good days, but one day you will realise that there are more good than bad days.

I did have to laugh about the fact that he wanted to take you back to court to get full custody of the children and the house. Just proves that his world is all about ME ME ME ME and ME!

SL-
It is good for me that we are D'd. I can totally freeze him out now, without worrying about losing the equity of the house, or him pulling a fast one at court....

And I LOVE IT. I LOVE the fact that I have made my boundaries with him: Do NOT touch me, Do NOT talk to me about anything that is not about the kids, Do NOT leave the front room when picking up the kids.

His weird [email]a@@[/email] stopped by today. Without calling. He wanted to know if he could have some flyers to hang up for my dog (the one that he always said was his) that is missing. I said sure, but why are you so worried about him now? You weren't worried when I was in Ohio for work.

He just had this pained look on his face. I told him to hold on, shut the door, and got some for him. I opened the door, and he said, "can I at least hug my girls?" I said sure, and they hugged him. He then looked at me all sad. I said, 'ok, you got your flyers, bye." And I shut the door.

What do I feel for him? Nothing.

It did not even occur to me until after he left that he probably showed up because it WAS our anniversary, and he was feeling bad. But, who really knows?

This is what I am choosing to remember about my wedding day: I stayed the night before at my parents house. We got ready, and my parents told me to wait, they had a surprise for me. We go outside, and there is a black Lincoln towncar (very luxurious. We get in, and my dad puts in a cd, and the cd had a bunch of love songs, and one that we played again and again.... "going to the chapel and I'm gonna get married...." What was funny was we had it all turned up and we were singing real loud, and one of my friends was behind us, and she could hear us.... The other good memory is my grandparents were there, my grandma was not doing too well, but she came for the ceremony.

So, THAT is what I am going to remember about this day from now on. And, THOSE are good memories! LOL!

NZ-
The reason that I am not in plan B is this:

I want to be able deal with him, not shelter myself FROM him by going through a third party. I am not wanting to talk to him about anything, other than the kids. I am also putting up my boundaries now with him, and I feel fine with that.

It is basically this: I had to come to the realization that WE were over, and his actions supported my decision that D was the RIGHT thing to do. I told him from day one that if we were D'd I would NOT be his friend, I would be nothing but civil to him. And, I think that he did not believe it.

But, it is best for ME to NOT be friendly with him. When we are friendly, it gives me a false sense of closeness with him. A closeness that means nothing. So, I am not being friendly with him.

But, I NEEDED to wade through the whole mess, figure it out myself, and work it out. Plus, it would seem more ME if I just dealt with it.

I have made huge strides, and I do have a lot more happy days... I have more good days. The only BAD days I have in regards to him is the decisions that he makes when he has the kids. Then it really gets to me.

Do you know what I mean?

I hear what you are saying, and have read your previous post which helps me understand that you are doing a Plan B to a certain extent. Keep strong and don't be friendly, it only validates it in his eyes that what he did to you was OK, because you seem OK about it.

I wish you lots of happiness with your new life.

NZ-
Thanks! I wish it too!

So EXH called me today. 4 times.
I did not answer. He left one message at my house, "Please call me, if you can't call me tonight, PLEASE call me tomorrow."
I did not call him.
I am NOT going to call him. I do NOT need to be sucked back into his world, mine is going in a different direction. A direction that is BETTER for me!
I went to the Humane society and adopted a new cat today... He has been there for a long time, and me and the girls go there all of the time (they have a cat room, where the cats wander free). I had decided that if he were still there today, I would get him (the girls LOVE him too). So I get there, and his name is not listed on the 'cat room' wall. His name is gone off of a different list...

We go into the cat room, and he is sitting right by the door, looking at us when we walked in... almost like he KNEW we were coming. The girls scooped him up, he just purred and purred. I filled out the paperwork on him, and they said that they would let me know in 2-3 days if I could have him. They called me 3 hours later and said that I could. The girls were thrilled, and I will admit, I was too!

It is a new beginning for me.....

That is so cool about the cat! What did you name him?

JT-
His name is "HUEY"
My oldest DD calls him "Quey" So we will probably just stick with that... He is so pretty too. He is all white with a few patches of tabby, and he has GREEN GREEN eyes. He is such a sweetie. And here I was, not even a year ago, not at all a cat person, and here I am going to have 2 cats now! LOL!

I love cats..they are so sweet. The 28th would have been our 7th anniversary. It's so weird to have a different one now. Your xH just wanted to know if he could still come in whenever he wanted to. Way to handle that!

I am glad you are being so strong and giving your girls such a good example. That is what being a good mother is all about. Kudos to you.

Good luck with your new kitty!

GC-
Thanks! I am trying to be a good mother... It is hard sometimes when you have to undo all of the damage that your idiot ex does to them!
I am going to get my cat tomorrow, the girls cannot wait, and I am excited too... Que-y, here we come!!!

Sadmo I just read your thread and wanted to give you an "atta girl"!!! Keep strong with your XWH and ENJOY your freedom and children and kitties.

God bless you!

So today EXH calls to tell me that 'instead of taking the kids Thurs. he is taking them tonight."
I said, "No, the agreement was Thurs. NOT tonight."
He said, oh, well things changed, something came up. I told him then he was not going to see the kids tonight. He then told me that he wanted to take the kids trick or treating tomorrow, at the beginning of it, and he would bring them back, and I could finish with them.I told him I would think about it.
I called him back and told him that no, he could take them LATER. I wanted to ensure that I could spend some time with them on Halloween. He got MAD. He told me that I am "not going to keep him from his kids!!!"
I calmly said that HE set the precedent. HE was the the one that always changes things at the last minute. The reason I wanted him to do the trick or treating later? After he did not bring the kids to me to spend time with me before I went away for a week.
He said, "You are being a petty [email]B@TCH!!!!!"[/email] I told him, NO, I was merely enforces limits. He hung up on me.

He then called the sitter and said that he was picking up the kids. She told him NO, that that was not she was told. He hung up on her.

He called me back, and said, "WHY are you doing this??? You said that you wanted to raise the kids together! I am not going to see the kids for like a week (He is going away with barslut this weekend)!"
I told him, "look, I am sorry. I am NOT going to change everything around to accommodate you. YOU are the one that made me not trust you. That is why I do not want you to take them trick or treating first. He hung up on me.

The way I look at it is this: I am setting boundaries with him. He will learn that he CANNOT agree to watch the kids one day, then change it at his convenience. He will learn that he HAS to be truthful with me, in regards to when he is bringing them home or whatever. I am SICK of him jerking ME around. Like I told him, it is HIS CHOICE. Either he try to get along with me when raising them, or he won't. I am not going to worry about it. I am just going to stick to WHAT WAS AGREED ON. And that is that.

I am SO GLAD, SO GLAD, that I D'd him. He is a worthless POC!!!!

Sadmo,

I'm glad you're standing firm...you go Girl!

So, the fool calls me today. Can he PLEASE have the kids at 6 pm, he really wanted to see them.

I said Sure, that was fine, that is what I had told him earlier.

So he came to pick them up, and it just CRACKS me up. He acts like he has to stay 25 feet of me... like I am going to want to touch him or something. He got the girls, and left, like a bat out of ******. (had to say that, for the holiday spirit@ LOL!) Before he left, I told him to watch the little one, she has not been feeling too good, and that I would like them home by 8. He got mad. He wanted to keep them till at LEAST 9. I told him NO, our oldest one has school tomorrow, they need their baths, AND they need to get to bed at a decent time. He just gave me a dirty look.

I wanted to say, "OOOOOOOOoooooo a DIRTY LOOK!!! Is that because I am being...dum, dum, DUM! RESPONSIBLE!!!!!!????!?!?"

He is a fool.

But, I am NOT a fool, and I am on to his 'games' so it is good. VERY good!

So THE FOOL of course did not return the kids on time. I did not expect it. But I can't let HIM know that I did not expect it!!!
I called when he was 15 mins. late. He sent me to voice mail. I left him a message stating that he said he would have them home by 8, this is a prime example of why I do NOT trust him.

He called at 8:25, with a cooked up story of his keys being lost. So I said that I bet his cell phone wasn't. He did not reply.

He shows up at the house, acting MAD AT ME.

Why????????

He told me that I owe him money for watching the kids the week I was gone on my business trip, that he paid me all this extra money the month before. And he told me that he is sick of me being a b!tch.

I was like what???????

So I told him I was sorry he felt that way, but the D agreement was what it was. I then told him I had our D's school pictures, and I tried to give him his. He said, "I do NOT want ANYTHING from you anymore!!!" I asked him WHY he was so mad... and he had the audacity to tell me that I 'kept' him away from his kids yesterday.

He then told the girls bye, and stormed out of the house.

WHY the heck is he mad at ME now???? I am the one that had put up with his [email]cr@p[/email] all of the time... you would think a normal person would realize that.... oh well. My life=what I make of it.

I need to remember that.

My guess is that he's not really mad at you...he's mad at himself and is doing a lot of "internal battling."

Hang in there...it sounds like it's coming to head.

Then yesterday...



You did the opposite of enforcing boundaries with this one, Sadmo. If your boundary is that you will not extend trust until trust is earned, you didn't enforce a thing. Shore up those boundaries.

You said NO, then you said yes, then you got angry with him for doing the same thing he does all of the time. You must accept that he is this way, and draw proper boundaries accordingly. If you say NO, stand by it, no matter how much he calls and begs. You have no obligation to this man or his FEELINGS anymore.

If something is not in the best interest of the kids, and you KNOW that he will disappoint you, don't do it. You have no reason to be waffling like this with him. NONE.

Have you rebroached (with yourself) the subject of Plan B post D. I think you would do YOURSELF a world of good detaching. You may say that you are, but clearly, from your posts, you are still enmeshed in his stupidity. STep away from the wayward, Sadmo. It's for your own protection. YOU are allowing this behavior to continue in your life.

It is completely up to you how to handle your sitch. I am only speaking as an outsider looking in.

SL-

Oh NO!!!

I had told him he COULD have the kids the later part of trick or treating, he told me no. He then called the next day and said that he would like to have them. So, since I had told him he could the day before, I let him. I do not want to get all 'petty' about things, and tell him, "OH NO, you said that you did not want them!!!"

I had told him that he could NOT have them Tues. or the first part of trick or treating... So I stuck by what I said I was doing.

My point in leaving him the message that I could not trust him was that I was trying to pound in his pin head WHY I am leary with having 'liberal visitation'. He does not ever abide by what he says that he is going to do.

The biggest thing that I find disappointing, in regards to the kids is that he has them spending the night at barsluts with him. I just do not like that. But, unless there is a REASON, I cannot stop him.

It is just weird. He has realized that I am NOT going to be his friend, and now he is treating me like dirt. But, that is fine. It is not like I am was wanting or needing him to be my friend.

It is just kind of an odd transition. That he just TURNED on me so suddenly when he got with barslut. When he was with the other people, that is when he treated me the nicest. Which is odd. I just kind of hoped that we would be able to coparent ok... stick to the agreements, put our kids first... you know.
Oh well. Maybe in time.

My point with you is why bother. Your words will not TEACH him anything, they will only serve to make him angry. No matter what you say or do, you cannot control him. He knows that you can't trust him, you know you can't trust him. You've said it now, no need to repeat yourself.

I know how frustrating this is, Sadmo, trying to work a schedule with someone who won't abide by the rules. I think dropping your expectation that he will somehow 'get it' and be different, is in order. He will be who he is. Accept him as he is today, not as you would like for him to be, or as he has been in the past.

My concern is for you and your children. If you find yourself reaching for the phone, trying to tell him WHY you don't this or that, explaining yourself, STOP! Get out of that dynamic. DO what you are going to do, don't explain to him WHY--again, he won't hear you.

The fact that you are wondering why he's treating you badly, while he is with OW, 'cause in the past, when he was with OW he treated you well, WELL, that's way too much thought about why he does anything that he does.

He turned on you SUDDENLY, because you turned on him suddenly. He is reacting to you shutting him out, and now NOT bending over backwards. It's a normal response. I would continue doing this, letting go, that is. He'll get used to it.

SL-
You know what? I just realized... I am HIGH ON THE FACT THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO BE NICE TO HIM!!!!!!!

I WANTED to make him mad by pointing out, again, how he is not to be trusted. I WANTED to irritate him. AND, this is the silly part, I suddenly see HIM getting mad, and I am kind of like, HA, HA, HA!!!! So you DO get mad too!!!!

And, now that I know what is going on, I can curb the urge... or will I??? LOL!

I suddenly was able to see how it is so satisfying to make someone mad... for no reason. It is stupid, and silly.

I am not bringing the kids in on this. You do not need to be concerned about that. I just had to say my piece to him, to, shall we say, rub salt in the wound. He was so 'hurt' a month ago that I did not trust him. I found it amusing that I could point out why.

But our disagreements/annoyances, do not not consume my every thought anymore... I just kind of rant about it here, and am done with it.

Everyone knows that he is stupid, I know that he is stupid, so it does not make much sense to talk about it that much anymore. I vent here, and I get over it......

But, I am going to control my impulses to stoop to his level, intoxicating as it may be!