Need some help, please. This morning my STBX and I were talking as I'm leaving this weekend - I just can't move forward with him due to his A, so I decided to leave. We've been trying to reconcile for 2+ years but or M isn't the same and it's taken me this long to decided that I want more and that too much damage has been done and I need to go, I can't engage in this M. We've been through MC, and I'm still in IC. Here's my confusion. I filed legal separation papers, I filed on "irreconcilable differences" and no mention of infidelity, anyway, my husband's comment this morning was that this is a no-fault divorce - what the h*#@ does that mean? He said that we both gave it our best shot and it just didn't work out. He's totally decided that he's innocent of breaking the marriage up because "he tried". That somewhat pisses me off, but on the other hand, what does it matter. He also said, at this point, I chose to end the marriage. My response, it's always been my choice. What does his comments mean? I'm really baffled and I don't want to get mad at him. I'm trying to keep my cool. Any help out there?

Help for what? You have already decided to end your marriage...what does it matter what he says at this point? If you were truly ready to move on...there would be more indifference to the things he is saying.

Thanks for your post, but I don't think you have a clue what I'm talking about. I'll await other people who has more compassion with this sort of stuff. It's people like you that keeps me in IC - making me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not you know - these are life changing decisions and they're not easy.

No, it's YOU that keeps you in IC....what did I say that you were doing wrong? You have said on three different threads now that YOU KNOW this is over....so, IF it is over, why are you letting his words, justifications or anything else get to you. You are playing your H to make your decision seem okay when it is really okay all by itself. You have the right to leave.
You don't want compassion...you want people to come here and say "oh poor you...." And, again...what is the point right now? If you want to try and save your M just come out and say so...if not and your decision is so clear cut there would be indifference.

did you ask for help with a decision??? or did you come here to vent about your husbands words. Yes, I know the decision to end a M is life changing...we all know that. But you have made that decision according to you...that is NOT what your post was about..or was it?

and it IS a no fault divorce...even if you live in a fault state...once you accept the spouse back after an infidleity, you can no longer use that as an excuse for the divorce. It IS a no fault divorce.

Sorry NYGU, but I agree with MEDC. Now that you've decided to end the M, what difference should his comments make? What difference should it make to you that your H believes that he did all that he could to recover the M?

I think MEDC's point is: IF you are truly ready to move on, your H's comments would not rattle you. You would think, "whatever", and go about your day.

How he FEELS about the M ending doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel about it. He doesn't have to say "Uncle" for this to be the right decision for you.

Just be sure it is what you really want. You don't have to do this until you are sure. Perhaps you aren't ready to throw in the towel, but are still at a place of such great hurt and you still want vindicated through your H's acknowledgement that his A destroyed the marriage. Just a thought.


Now, if "people like MEDC are why you are in IC" then you have things you need to work on to get to a place of being able to be a part of a healthy marriage. Someone's rudeness (or perceived rudeness), should never cause one to question whether they are doing the right thing.

I don't always like MEDC's delivery style, but he often has very important points.

May I suggest that you reexamine your desire for being "done" with this M. Post some details here and listen to the feedback. You may find yourself coming to a place of clarity and peace as you process more of your grief, hurt, and anger about the A.

Divorce is a big decision. I know it hurts to call it "no-fault". That is a legal term that makes absolutely no sense when a spouse has had an A. BUT, it is still just a legal term.

***********EDIT**********need I say more? However, despite that fact that he and I have butted heads a few times, his point is sound. SMB was right on in what he meant to say. You just needed to hear a womans translation. Just because he doesn't pull punches, doesn't mean he has no compassion. He wouldn't be here if he didn't.

Point is that if you are letting your H get to you, then you are not ready for this step. I divorced my H at this stage also and it was a huge mistake. We have since remarried eachother and are trying to rebuild. Divorce doesn't always mean the end, but remember it makes reconcilliation very hard. Don't quit unless you are really ready. Only you can decide that for yourself. Take some time and do some soul searching.

why the** has this thread become about ME? *******, I was not rude in my reply to this poster...
she asked for help. I asked what she needed help with...and made the point that if she was truly ready to end her M, his words would not bother her. What is so rude about that.

*************EDIT********** It is a sexist comment to make regarding males and insulting to any person that decides to put their life on the line(as a cop)for others.

Okay, first of all just because I decided to end the marriage doesn't mean I don't love my husband. I do, that's why it hurts. Do I want a divorce, nope, never did, but I can't stay with him. He's not one to be trusted, not just the A, there are other issues that I'll keep to myself. I don't want to make him out the bad guy nor do I want to read posts that will cause me further confusion.

I have A LOT to work on with myself. My self esteem is at its lowest. I feel like a failure because I wasn't able to get beyond the A, I feel like I've disappointed so many people because I want to end the marriage, I feel like an idiot for even trying. Another reason, although the biggest, but it frightens me. I find myself wanting more and because I want more, I start looking at other men - I don't want to have an A but it clearly tell me that I'm not commited to the Marriage. Okay, I'm crazy. I'll admit it. Now what?

His comment rattled you because YOU still care and it hurts because YOU don't feel that he is admitting his failure in the M. I hear your pain. Even if you are sure you want out it will always feel like something YOU did wrong. YOU DIDN't! Give yourself a break and quit trying to figure him out...you're taking what he says to personally, he's messing with your head because he knows he can. Or he's just trying to pi$$ you off.

If you are sure your M is over, don't worry about how it was filed....they don't have a catagory for H is a cheating [censored] and self -centered ( I don't think so at least ) so anything else really means nothing it's just legal talk. You know WHY, he knows WHY.

Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

MEDC,

I did not call you rude...I said...perceived rude...because this poster did perceive your comments as rude.

NYGU,

I think everyone here just 2nd's MEDC's comments. We are just rewording them in a way that we hope your more willing to receive.

We do not hear indifference from you about the D.

MEDC - LMAO. Oh I so enjoy you. If you want another debate, I will gladly oblige, but on my own thread. I would gladly shove it, but my shovel seems to be missing...i will continue to look.

It wasn't that your response was rude, it was just less cordial than she was looking for. You are at times a bit more to the point than others...There is nothing wrong with this. Just that some people need a little more woman's fluff..so to say. And how male is it that you only commented on the negative and not the positive things that were said about you? And by the way...i have yet to meet a cop who shows anyone respect or compassion. If you are the first then nice to meet ya. It was not sexest...just the norm with a few exceptions. Men generally have trouble communicating effectively to women. If they didn't would any of us be here? Same goes for women by the way.

NYGU - If that is truly how your feel, then divorce is what you need to do. Having an A yourself would only cause more problems. Only you know what is right for you. Just know that the people here are generally promarriage, but that doesn't mean you won't find the support here that you need. Just know that divorce is not an escape from your pain, nor does it erase anything. It is just another tear in your heart that you will have to overcome.

i would have to guess that the other issues are big and should therefore NOT be kept to yourself. You don't have to post them here if you don't want to but you certainly need to acknowledge these issues somewhere, hopefully in IC.

you say you feel like a failure to not be able to get beyond the A. right after you said it's not just about the A.

do you see where you are judging yourself incorrectly?

why are you a failure??

did you talk to him about these other issues?? did he try to address them?

I'm not indifferent about the D because I'm not indifferent with my H.

MVG, thanks, I needed that pep talk.

I didnt' read all of this...

but I don't automatically conclude that a reaction to a spouses comments in traversing divorce waters means that you aren't ready to let go.....

I think that we all seek validation.....
and that this FWSpouse....presents with little to no insight in to their actions of the affair....

I also don't think it means you care....necessarily...
or aren't ready

It could mean that you are still SHOCKED to be hearing rationalization and justification ....

that you expect at some time true remorse and ownership...
doesn't mean it will come...
doesn't mean it will save the marriage...

might not be worth a hill of beans....

UNLESS you keep searching for or expecting it...

not to reconcile...

but to feel validated...

and that may never come...and you are much better off not caring a rat's behind what he says...cause it is still babbley gobbly [censored]....

but I don't conclude that means you shouldn't move on...
in some ways it validates more that you should perhaps....

ARK

I’m going to try very hard to explain my feelings and I hope I can write them to make sense.

I still love my husband, but I don’t want to love him. He hurt me so deeply that I will not every recover staying in this marriage. As I mentioned there are other issues, which I wasn’t going to get into but I’ll go ahead and give you a bit of it. He sometimes watches porn, okay no big deal, right? He said that the OW reminded him of his daughter (my step). Another No big deal, right? I find that very bazaar and sick. I also find it to be more hurt and “stuff” to over come.

I know that a part of me isn’t ready to let go. I love him but he’s not good for ME. And, at this point, I’m not good for him. I’m not capable of ever engaging in this marriage a 10%, I’m too damaged. Yes, I’ll heal, but the scars will always be very visible to me and I will always feel as though that I will have to guard my heart with him. I don’t want to live like that.

As far as the D goes, my goodness, I’ve bent over backwards to be fair. Most everything that we have in marital assets, I purchased with my own money – our accounts are separate- yet I’m willing to give him 40% of it all. I want to be fair to him and I’m trying to make this transition as easy and as painless as possible. I would think that I would at least get a thank you, nothing. He acts like it should be a better split, yet I’m the one that has to pay for all the counseling, AD, the deposits for moving, movers, etc and oh yeah, attorney fees. Why? Because he doesn’t have the money. He makes twice the income I make but because he manages his money so poorly, I have to take care of all of the expenses that came from his infidelity. It makes me a little angry about it. All I want from him is a thank you.

I’m not very good at expressing myself but I hope this will give you a sense of where I am. And, yes, I’m looking for validation that I’m doing the right thing. I don’t trust my opinion or judgment these days so I have to depend on others to guide me along.

Thanks.

You won't get a thank you or an admission or validation from him. I never did. It still feels bad, nearly 2 months after the D was final. It still feels bad when I spot a man who looks like my X, and feel longing for him.

In our state adultery doesn't matter in a D. I tried to get some validation from him that his relationship with OW was wrong, and I was so desperate for it that I put in writing that I was D'ing him because, BECAUSE, of his relationship with her.

But that letter only served as a therapeutic outlet for me. He will never admit that it was an affair.

I can offer empathy, I understand the self doubt. It sucks to be the betrayed spouse.

You have the luxury of time and distance. Go back and re-read medc's posts, and pretend he is writing to someone else; pretend his advice is for a complete stranger on the board. That might help.

Crap, you know what? I'm all over this board. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm scared and I don't want to be. I'm scared to stay and scared to go.

You know what? I love my husband, but he doesn't deserve it. Am I punishing him. Maybe I am, but he should have punishment? Me staying is saying to him, okay honey, you had an affair, and all is forgiven and we are going to live happily ever after. By me leaving, it sends a clear message, I WON'T be treated like this. Here are your consequences.

Okay, here I go again, stay, go, be passive, be mad, be decent, be ugly. Who am I and I don't like her. And this is BECAUSE OF HIM!!!!!!!!!