Below is the revised PBL I plan to mail tomorrow after I return from vacation. It is 100 percent honest:

Dear WW,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OM possible, although I take no responsibility for your choices to make it happen. I underestimated the signs of your unhappiness and was ignorant of how to best meet your most important emotional needs.

This experience has changed me greatly and I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and help create a new life for us that will meet both our needs. Although I believe each day apart makes it more difficult, I am still willing to attempt to recover our marriage.

I have endured great suffering since discovering your relationship with OM, and I can no longer bear to see or speak to you while you refuse to stop contacting him. When you are willing to permanently end all contact with OM and engage in a program of marital recovery, I will be willing to discuss our future together. But I simply cannot speak with you under the current circumstances.

Until then, I will not see you, talk to you or communicate with you in any form. Any required communications, such as those regarding financial arrangements or the marital property, should be given to Intermediary (contact information is included). Intermediary will pass any relevant information on to me and provide you with a response, if necessary.

I still believe that it is possible for us to rebuild our marriage. We need to build a new life in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. But I only want that as husband and wife; nothing else.

Love,
BHHFSGuy

Quick suggestion:
"..how to best meet your most important emotional needs.."

How about elaborating on this a bit - short is good, but it might sound better if you replace the MB jargon term "your most important emotional needs" with the actual needs themselves, e.g. 'your need for conversation' or rephrase it to include 'I'm sorry I never seemed to have the time to talk to you'.

That way she's maybe more likely to know that you DO understand where you failed her.

Sounds like a good letter to me.

Hope you have fun in Mexico. I love Mexico.

5outof6aintbad,

Can you please edit your post to remove the last two paragraphs? I would be willing to discuss that issue, but not on this thread, as there are certain people reading it that I do not feel comfortable discussing it with.

If you repost your question to this thread I will be willing to discuss it: this thread

Sincerely,
BHHFSGuy

Did I miss something important here?

Is that correct?

-ol' 2long

Yes, I brought it up a long time ago on a different thread that migrated from ENs to the Recovery board.

Post deleted by Longhorn

Sure, will do.

Longhorn,

Please read my post to 5outof6aintbad. I can discuss that issue, but would prefer to do so on the other thread I linked to. Please edit or delete your post and re-post over there (after you've read the thread). Any other Marriage Builders are welcome to join me there.

Sincerely,
BHHFSGuy

Our eighth anniversary is next Tuesday, Nov. 13th <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
Well, I've already gotten through the first birthday in 13 years without a card/present from her...

No, pardner, I won't edit my comment because all of my instincts tell me what you've said on the two threads are inextricably related, whether you understand them as being part of the exact same problem or not. Additionally, since you link to that other thread openly and haven't changed your nick to initiate a double anonymity or something, it serves no purpose to withhold information on this thread where people are trying to help you.

I will, however, not bother you again. You have my sincerest sympathies and my best wishes for recovering your marriage.

LH

Question reposted over here In Recovery
Thanks.

I will try to better explain why I've made that request: There are a couple of people in my support system (friends & family) who are following this thread. Because I am geographically isolated from most of my friends & family this is one way they have of keeping up with my situation. And I also rely on their advice to me based on what they've read on this site. I am not comfortable discussing that issue with them reading about it. I have asked them to stick to this thread only and not venture onto the other. They respect my privacy in that way.

I am quite willing to discuss that topic and its relation to this thread, which I don't doubt exists. But please do so at the other thread and delete your previous post here.

Sincerely,
BHHFSGuy

BGuy,

He may not even be posting on your thread anymore, so you may ask Justuss to delete his post.

That being said, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Sure you have allowed yourself to be a pushover and doormat for a long time and your WW never met your ENs, but now is a time to respect and stand up for yourself. I think you should be commended for finally changing your ways. I think you should think about how and why you let it get this far and how you would prevent slipping back into that complete giver and doormat pattern again. I also think that you should discuss some of this stuff with your family and friends.

One reason why I am not more specific is because I don't truly know what ENs I did not meet. When WW filled out the ENs Questionnaire I took it quite seriously and tried my hardest during Plan A to rectify any deficiencies. But I was also aware that her Wayward mindset was probably influencing the answers somewhat. For instance, she marked that she was dissatisfied with Financial Support and would prefer me to earn $40K (more than what she's now making at her new job). Yet I basically sacrificed my career so that hers could grow; both of the places we've lived have been because she found a job there she wanted. I was trying to be supportive of her career. So I don't really feel like apologizing for that.

I was also rated low on Domestic Support because I didn't clean the home enough. Yet I was pretty much the only person to ever clean the home... She would say that she worked so hard she didn't feel like cleaning. Um, yeah, neither do I, because I also work. But because she works HARDER than I do and makes more money, I should assume the household chores or else I'm "freeloading." So I don't really feel like apologizing for that.

She noted that she was slightly dissatisfied with Conversation, which she ranked as her No. 1 EN. Yet anyone that knows WW would say that she is probably the quietest person they know and they rarely have conversations with her. Her specific note was that "BHHFSGuy needs to be willing to listen to me in terms of lending a sympathetic ear... Sometimes I just want to vent, and that's all!" I have recognized some deficiencies in this area and was working on them during Plan A.

But other than Conversation, I don't really see that OM was meeting some deficient ENs. Basically she would seek him out every day and spend time "venting" to him. Once he stopped trying to offer suggestions/solutions (which is what I also did, wrongly) that apparently became a great 'conversation' for her.

I think you're right that it's better to put specific issues in the PBL, as Jon did for Sue in SAA. But I don't truly know what those are. I do honestly know that I wasn't aware of what her top needs were and how best to meet those. Since she was introduced to the concept of ENs and filled out the Questionnaire, I believe she will know what I'm referring to and can better fill in the blanks in her own mind.

Bguy,

First off, doing the ENq while the WW is still in contact is usually not very helpful. My WW did this and I tried all the things she ranked as high, etc. But it was all BS. My WW answered them with basically listing all the things I was already doing. She listed things like affection and conversation as very low on her list.

But heck, It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she wasn't leaving me for the OM cause he was real good about taking out the garbage.

The interesting thing for me was when I had MC with SH, he had us fill out the questionaires. Then he took them and essentially ignored them. He said, you work on meeting your WW's need for affection and conversation . So I asked him why. What he told me was that whether people fill it out that way or not, every M needs affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and SF. Men should work on meeting the first 2 and women the second 2.

Since your going to plan B, this is probably meaning less advice. But for others, or you in the future, IMHO, regardless of how someone feels out the ENq, you should be working on affection and conversation.

Don't know if that helps any or not.

I guess I have to at least set the record straight that WW did send me a birthday card and presents. They were mailed to my workplace and I discovered them when I returned to work on Wednesday. Card front: I just wanted to remind you of two very important things- Card interior: It's your birthday and I love you. Handwritten inside: [color:"green"]Very much so, too. I wish you a happy birthday... I will definitely be thinking of you. XOXO With Love, WW[/color]
Box from Amazon had two media items from my Wishlist.

And to top that, I got a birthday card from BFF and BFFH. Front has a skull and crossbones and says Happy Birthday. Handwritten inside: [color:"red"]Yarghh! It be your birthday... yo ho ho. OK, So we're terrible at pirate jokes (although we live near people who invented Talk Like a Party Day!) We hope that you have a really fun birthday and that the 31st year is great and filled with your great fortune. We really appreciate your friendship and miss seeing you, and hope to see you soon or when things get easier. Have a fabulous birthday and just have fun! Cheers! BFFH & BFF[/color]
It had a $15 iTunes Gift Certificate

Later Wednesday afternoon I received an e-mail from WW:
[color:"green"]I hope you had a good birthday ... did my package and card get to you OK? I sent both to you in care of WORK because I wasn't sure if you had updated your wish list address yet. I hope you got them in time ... I tried to arrange it so everything arrived at WORK on the 1st.

I understand the lack of response to the birthday stuff (although I guess there's a chance that's due to you not getting any of it?), and I know it's well deserved. But I just wanted you to know that I was keeping you in my thoughts that day. And, of course, you'll remain there with the next milestone day coming up. I'll be thinking about a lot of things, I'm sure.

Anyway. I have to ask you to at least write to me to let me know about my regular portion of the remaining shared bills. Could you please give me a rundown for my share of the insurance, storage space, TiVo, etc., the standard monthly amount I should be sending you and what part of the month you want to be receiving it?

I have to get back to work now. Take care of yourself, and I hope to hear something from you soon.

-WW.[/color]

I had mailed the PBL on Tuesday afternoon with a roughly 2-day delivery time, so I knew she hadn't gotten it when she wrote this. Nonetheless, I didn't reply. I turned it over to my Intermediary along with the bill-related info to send. Intermediary sent an e-mail to her this afternoon with the bill info and mentioned that it was in accordance with my wishes in regards to the PBL WW should have received by now. I will read no more correspondence from WW and expect Intermediary to handle anything. Intermediary seems up for it.

That being said, I do want to comment briefly on what I read in the e-mail. It really seemed she was fishing for a reply yet also trying to be noncommittal about it ('I understand why you haven't replied, but maybe you just didn't get the card and package...'). Also the use of incredibly vague language like 'I'm sure I'll be thinking about a lot of things on our upcoming anniversary.' Well, I plan on thinking about a lot of things, also. Such as how much fun I'm having being out with real friends. I've made arrangements with a pair from my support group to go out to dinner that night.

And I will remove myself from this hinting/teasing 'I still care about you' manipulation by reading no further communications from her. This kind of stuff might have gotten to me if I hadn't seen her e-mails to OM that were filled with the same type of veiled references.

And now that I've officially gone into Plan B with WW, I've blocked BFF from my MySpace page and put it into private mode. I can't really do that with my blog, but I'll see if she still tries to comment on it after this.

My parents gave me some money to fly home for Christmas and I've booked a flight that'll give me a week to visit with my friends back home.

Bad news on the car front, though. Damages exceed the car's worth, so the insurance company has offered to buy it from me. Offer doesn't meet what I owe the lienholder (short by about $300) so I will need to get a new car and don't have enough free cash to make a down payment. Dang.

However unreasonable her unmet need might seem to you it's a fact.

(FWIW, it seems a reasonable need to me - one day, WW might on some level be looking to the day when she's at home with the kids and you're supporting them. Sounds sexist, old-fashioned non-PC, but it's a biological fact, and IMO the reason why women Need FS more than men.)
As you'll be aware, FS is an important need for many women. I think you said or hinted that FS was a need of yours - once, the WS was 'doing the right things again' by buying something for you.

I get the impression you do something creative or artistic for a living, and are poorly paid. Could be way wrong here!

Maybe this'll work out for you and you'll find fame and fortune doing what you're doing.

I'm just asking if you have considered retraining, or a new job (this is what Harley suggests when the FS need is unmet).


Also, if you've taken into account that there aren't many women with a low need for FS, and a willingness to meet this need in a man.

And what about your own needs - being stuck because you can't get the deposit for a car?

I've heard/read before about a need for FS being "biological".

I don't buy it for one second. Biological? Well, biologically humans are not meant to be monogamous. It IS human nature to murder each other, too.

I say the $40K is arbitrary, probably set just beyond what she thinks he's capable of bringing in...so she'll always have that unmet "need" to fall back on if she needs justification for her actions.

WW has always said she never wants to have kids. She has expressed that having kids would take away her freedom. I have been fine with that because newspaper salaries (even two of them) aren't good for supporting kids. On the ENs QA, she marked Family Commitment at zero and wrote nothing on the page. Oh, and FS was one of the few others that was ranked very low.

I don't recall writing such a thing and couldn't find anything like that on a quick search of my threads. I may have noted that WW was openly offering to pay for things during the last few weeks before she moved out. I thought this was notable because she was even offering to pay for things that I wouldn't expect her to. For example, I would take her out for dinner and then she'd offer to pay for it (I didn't let her in those instances).

This was even more notable because WW previously rarely offered to pay for certain things. For example: I was out of work for about 2 months in 2004 and during that time WW still wanted to do fun things on the weekend (and for me to think of them). I recommended going to see a musical at a nice theatre in one of the larger nearby cities -- a not inexpensive event. Yet WW still expected me to pay for it, even though I was just getting unemployment pay at that time.

I work for a non-profit organization, so the pay isn't great. It's not a place I ever thought I'd be working at, but it's in the city that we moved to for her new job. And I enjoy it and working with the other employees there.

I am definitely considering it for the future. Right now I need the stability of my current job. Plus, my best friends in this city are my coworkers. But since I only came here because of WW's job, there isn't much reason to stay here. I plan on saving money over the next 6-12 months and figuring out what to do with my career and location.

That's what I'm now working on, meeting my own needs. FS is one of the most necessary to figure out.