Hi BGuy:

Boy, I haven't a rat's clue what it stands for! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


I find your account of the convo with Steve fascinating. Always good 2 hear how the source feels about the specific application of his methods 2 a particular marriage.

You're in good hands! (oops, someone else's slogan!)

-ol' 2long

Congratulations on the way things seem to be turning out! I hope it all works out for you!

BH = Betrayed Husband? That part seems obvious.

HFS - only thing I can think of, around here there used to be a radio station called WHFS, commonly called "HFS" - but you're on the opposite coast, so it couldn't be that...

Betrayed Husband, House For Sale..? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Betrayed
Husband
Hurting (Hungry)
For
Sex

What do I win? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

What jim said accept change the sex to spouse

Betrayed Husband Hurting For Spouse

Or

Betrayed Husband Here For Support

I received an e-mail reply from WW early this morning:

[color:"green"]Dear BHHFSGuy,

I was surprised to get your message last week, and to learn that you did read my letter, because I was under the impression that you were not going to see it. But I'm happy you did. Although I'm glad to know that you are willing to communicate with me again, I'm still very hurt that you sent that letter cutting me off in the first place. It felt like you were punishing me, and for something I wasn't even doing. As I said in my previous letter, I made a decision for myself to stop trying to contact OM before I even moved. I didn't do it because of your letter.

It was just one part of the process I'm undergoing here. I'm trying to figure out what I want and what I need and how to deal with the events of the past six-plus months. I feel like I wasn't allowed enough time to process everything, so I'm trying to do that now. Like I said before, it's slow going ... there are a lot of feelings I'm really struggling with, and my emotions flip-flop on almost a daily basis. The sessions with my therapist are helping, though. She actually encouraged me to respond to your letter.

So I can't see what the destination for us is yet, but I am looking. Right now, though, I need to continue doing that on my own. I just am feeling too scared to see or speak to you or address your question head-on. I'm afraid of the arguments restarting, of getting so anxious and panicked again that I can't think straight. The time by myself has really helped me calm down and focus, and to leave behind the miserable person I was for basically all of last year. And I really feel like fixing myself is the first step in all of this.

I hope you can understand and that you will be OK with limiting our communication to just writing for a while. It's just that one thing I've learned lately is that I need to trust my feelings. And I hope the time to yourself has proved helpful to you as well. I know I've caused you a lot of pain, so I hope you've been able to find some peace from that in the past few months. I'm so very sorry about all of it. I do think about you often and wonder how your life is going and what things would be like if you were here.

Love,
WW[/color]

There are some things I agree with and some things I disagree with. But I don't plan on replying, as I don't think it would be fruitful for either of us. I will just continue to work on myself.

Sounds like she is fence sitting and justifying. I would continue on with my life happily.

I would say something to the effect of:

I still love you very much and want us to be together happily forever. However, I am not putting my life on hold forever while you think things through. I was literally hours away from filing for divorce before I though you agreed to work on the marriage with me. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. I will keep my heart open for a little while longer. I love you, but I do not wish to contact you unless you agree to work on the marriage. You are either my wife or nothing to me. I am not doing this to punish you. I am doing this to protect myself from the pain this situation has brought me. Please refrain from contacting me until one of us has made a decision.

Hmm, there was a post by Cherishing on 1/26/08 that isn't showing up anymore in which she asked: I'm doing OK with the financial situation right now. Not taking WW out for dinner and a movie every Friday, Saturday & Sunday is saving me enough to accommodate the new expense areas. And I was just informed today that my boss has requested our board approve a 14.4% increase to my salary for this year. If approved, I will actually be making within $1K of her new salary.

And sorry to all of you playing, but no one has yet gotten a single word correct in regards to my username. It's actually a reference to a movie from last year that I saw with WW.

What going on with your situation? Are you back in plan B? Have you talked to Steve?

There's a lot going on and yet nothing. I really don't have the money to call Steve again and I don't see the need to at this time. WW's message indicated that she was not interested in even discussing what her ideal scenario was, much less in researching possible recovery programs. So I have not responded to her and am not sitting around waiting for another message from her. Mentally, I'm back in Plan B.

I am not moving forward with the dissolution because I'm no longer concerned that WW has any intention of filing. She's not in the hostile WW mode. Apparently she was well aware of the 90-day residency issue and her letter to me was sent mainly because she was worried I would file and she wanted to ensure she had more time to come to a decision.

I'm concerned that she may have found my posts here, so I'm afraid to say too much.

I realize it's been a long time since I've posted in this thread, but it's definitely time for an update. Was going to write it last week when I had more free time, but the board was down (as an aside, I'm really disliking the "upgrade." All my watched threads have been deleted and my signature is all jammed together.)

My thread was found by someone in contact with WW, and I do not have assurances that she hasn't found my posts here. So I've been afraid to post much because I didn't want WW to know what I was doing or thinking. Some of you may have seen some postings by me elsewhere and have an inkling.

Speaking generally, I have been building a new life w/o WW: trying to continue with the changes I made to myself in Plan A, but also make changes in myself that aren't about meeting her ENs. I've been practicing what I've learned about various ENs and trying to improve my skills there (well, not every EN, obviously). Conversation is at the top of the list and I think I'm improving a lot. It seems nearly everyone in my workplace comes to me to talk now. I've also been working at getting out of my comfort zone and so far it's been rewarding. I visited SIHW recently, who helped pull me out of my shell a bit and do some things I've never done before. Thankfully, she doesn't have web access right now, or she might say more. I like myself a lot more now than I used to.

I have very much enjoyed not being in contact with WW, and realize that I am much happier without her in my life. As another poster asked quite a while ago, 'What ENs was she filling for you?' Not very many, it seems, because I stopped missing her pretty quickly. I don't know exactly when it happened, but I lost all romantic feelings for her and any desire to be married to her anymore. I could think of dozens of reasons why I didn't want her in my life anymore (not counting the last nine months, which I will chalk up to temporary insanity) and only a small handful why I might. And I couldn't think of anything she could possibly say or do to change my mind. I guess that might sound sad or depressing to someone, but it's really not for me. I feel very calm and at peace with it. I did not want to write that here, and I didn't tell hardly anyone for a while, because I didn't want it to get back to WW somehow. I didn't want her actions to be in response to anything I was feeling or doing. Yet strangely enough, I got a letter in the mail from WW Monday:

Dear BHHFSGuy,

I've been wanting to write to you for a while but didn't know how to start. I'm still really unsure, actually... I'm so worried about doing things correctly. And maybe that's the thing — there is no right way to do this. Especially when I've done you so wrong. So I will start by saying I'm so deeply sorry for everything I've put you through since last summer, from my betrayal to my moving away to the last letter I wrote to you, which I realized not long after I sent it that it was an awful way to respond to your message of hope. I don't have the words to properly express how sorry I am about all of it.

I've been going through a crushing amount of guilt all these months, all connected to these actions. I go over these things all the time, wishing I could have dealt with it all differently. I still see my therapist weekly, trying to work through the things I've done, the way I've behaved, the kind of person I am, the life I had before I met you and the roles those all play in our marriage. I've learned that there are a lot of things I need to change about myself n order to be happier, more confident and just to actually like who I am and believe that I'm someone worth being with. It is still a slow process — my feelings about all of this go up an down and back an forth from week to week — but I have been able to see progress. I am becoming a better version of myself and am understanding our relationship more.

I think of you often, even about the most mundane things like how well you did on your Oscar ballot or how you would have reacted to something weird I was seeing on a movie screen. I wish you could see me snowboard. But I know that I created this situation, and again, I'm so sorry about leaving you alone. I'm aware it was a selfish thing to do, but being here has been what's allowed me to focus on improving myself — because it turns out that was something that very seriously needed to be done.

For the past month, I've had the persistent feeling that we should communicate again. The thought of doing so still scares me a great deal. But I know that there's been silence between us for such a long time now, and that isn't right. And I want to know how you're doing and how you're feeling about things. So I'm asking if you would be willing to talk to me again... in person or on the phone. Or, if you're not comfortable with that, if you could write to me again. Please let me know either way.

I really hope you're doing all right. I have missed you.

Love,
WW

I guess I really wasn't that horrible of a person if she's missing me. Unfortunately (for her), I'm no longer interested in communicating with her. There is nothing I want to talk to her about. I feel like I need to tell her that somehow, that no response to this letter would maybe be hurtful, but am unsure of how best to say 'I don't want to talk to you.'

Wow.

I don't know what to tell you. You're getting the exact kind of letter that most BSes would love to get but you're getting it at a point where you no longer welcome it.

I believe I've said this before, but you have no kids. She made you pay a big price so she could go "find herself".

Well, now she's done it, at your expense.

I say ditch her and be with someone who doesn't need to "find herself".

You have no kids. You're young enough to still have a family with someone who is well aware of who she is.

Take it.

I think her letter is nothing but a load of crap. Anything short of an unconditional apology and an expression of wanting to come home and doing every and anything to repair things, is worthless.

Do you think she's sincere about all the guilt?

If so, can you forgive her?

That doesn't mean taking her back. She is the one who left the marriage, and she has so many issues of her own to work through that it may be years before she has "found herself". You have no reason to remain shackled to her.

But if you can forgive her for what she put you through, then as you go through the divorce process, you can show her the compassion she didn't show you. You don't have children, you've already divided all your stuff, she makes more than you so no fighting over your money.

I'm just thinking if you are compassionate during the divorce, maybe both of you can come out of this as better people - you, with a chance to start fresh and find someone who you can build a family with... and her with one less load in her burden of "personal issues".

You said "I guess I wasn't such a horrible person". You never were. I don't think you did anything to make her lose respect for you - I think she was unable to feel any respect for anyone in the first place.

(Hmmm, apparently I can no longer get e-mails when someone replies to my thread and I just have to check back randomly. Gee, thanks again for the forum "upgrade.")

pomdbd3, I agree with you that I have the opportunity now to find someone else that is a really great person; has qualities like compassion and honesty and would make a great mother. As much as I believe that the Marriage Builders recovery program works, I don't believe that a future with WW is worth putting in a few more years of difficult recovery time. It's been noted that it's not for the faint of heart, and I don't think I have the strength for it (don't believe she does either).

medc, you're right in noting that the apology was conditional ('I'm so sorry I moved away, but that's what's helping me find myself') and that she's not promising or offering anything in the way of recovering the marriage. Technically, she still hasn't even met the requirements of the PBL. It's just that she's missing me and the ENs I provided her and she's trying to get those back and have me be a part of her life again. It's still all about getting what she wants and I'm not interested in giving of myself anymore (to her).

Cuthbert, I'm not so much angry at her anymore, mostly feel sorry for her. So I'm not interested in hurting her, but I'm also not interested in expending any of my emotional energy helping her out. I don't want an ugly divorce and for things to get nasty. We have not divided all the stuff, though. That will still have to be worked out. She holds the majority of the financial assets and I hold the majority of the financial debts, so although she won't be fighting over 'my' money, there's always the possibility she'll not want to give up any of 'her' money.

In the vein of 'I don't want things to get ugly/nasty,' although I understand that anything I say with honesty can be twisted around, I welcome any suggestions on how best to communicate that to her at this point. I was thinking of just sending a short e-mail to her that said 'I'm not interested in communicating with you.'

Post deleted by jmwc95.

I forgot about the consumation of the marriage. I would definately pursue that route.

Get annulment.

Deleted

That can't be true, can it? You never consumated the marriage???!!