I guess I thought that he would do the right thing.
he has stopped seeing her, but hasn't stopped texting, e-mailing, or talking on the phone. He is under the impression that he has been making great strides...... i'm scared he is just addicted to her. I know I can't be worried about him being mad...somehow this has all shifted from how I would take the news and get over it to me allowing him time to get through his pain from not seeing her. I can't beleive I've let that happen. I guess I have because I think if he feels I will never get over this, he will just give up, and be with her.

Sometimes I think if he wasn't willing to step away from her and fight for me and our children, then maybe I am better off without him. That would be my position if there were no children involved. Four boys that think their dad hung the moon!

How can you "get over it" when it has not stopped, sink? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> That makes not a lick of sense, dear. Can a child "get over" being molested when he is STILL being molested every day? The affair is still in full swing - they are in daily contact. And you don't know if he sees her in person or not.


He is WITH HER NOW. He has given up on his marriage BECAUSE of his affair.

Yes, he is addicted to her and he will not stop until FORCED to stop.

YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS UNTIL THE AFFAIR STOPS AND RECOVERY STARTS. So what you are asking is IMPOSSIBLE. You cannot get over abuse until IT STOPS. You don't get over it BEFORE it stops.

Are you willing to do something to help yourself, sink? Do you want our help? We will help you through this if you are willing to do the footwork.

Ok.. two things here.

1) If he's still texting, emailing, talking on the phone he HAS NOT stopped seeing her. -IF- he values you and wants to take great strides in saving your marriage he -MUST- do the ONE THING that will afford that opportunity. He must have absolutely NO CONTACT with her EVER for the REST OF HIS LIFE. That's your boundary... do -not- move from this position. If he can't do that.. if he cannot give you that ONE consideration of your feelings, your emotions.. then the affair will NEVER go away.. it will always be the 3000 lb gorilla in the living room. He needs to face this and stop sitting on -his- fence.

2)Stop trying to think for him.. that's the road that leads to Disrespectful Judgements and LoveBusting. You -can't- possibly understand what's in a WS's head.. because it -doesn't- make sense. Heck.. does it make any sense -really- that he could possibly think a marriage can work when he's out boinking some other chick?

C'mon.. one of you has to have their feet in reality here.

And how do addicts stop? Do they continue having drinks or do they STOP altogether and stay out of the bar?

Your H's affair is in full swing, sink. He has made NO PROGRESS AT ALL. He has not even taken the FIRST STEP. He is still sitting in the bar having drinks shutting you up with nonsense about "cutting back." Unfortunately, "cutting back" is an excuse to avoid ending the affair.

When I threatend to call this woman because she had propositioned my husband and my husband reported that she continued to call him, I didn't think there was an affair, but I was very upset with continued contact. My husband pleaded with me not to call, I said I was calling, he punched me, and he broke my arm.

Several months later -- when I had gone through two surgeries and still had hand therapy for the broken arm, I called Dr. Harley's radio show, and he told me to call the woman's husband. I did. I didn't think there had been any contact since the broken arm. There had been an affair all during those months. The husband got the truth out of me and told me.

Was my husband done? Yes -- with the affair. He told me later he felt relief.

If you go on this way, you risk having four heartaches bigger than the one you are experiencing now -- you may live to see four daughters-in-law betrayed. If your sons see their mother endure humiliation and disrespect from their father, why shouldn't they betray their own wives? My mother in law has tried to tell me all sorts of things -- that my husband's affair was my fault because I wasn't a good wife, that it was God's will that I suffer -- but what has really given her pause is when I have told her that I think her son hurt her more than he hurt me. With all sincerety, I have told her that I would feel more hurt if our son betrayed his wife than the hurt I have felt with my husband betraying me.

My father in law treated his wife with utmost contempt, something I didn't realize until after we married. When my father in law learned that my husband (his favorite child) had had an affair and broken my arm, his health went downhill quickly and he died two weeks later to the day.

Your husband may live to thank you for exposure. Your future daughters in law surely will benefit from your exposing an affair.

Dr. Harley once put it this way: exposing an affair is like sunlight on mold. You give your husband a chance to break an addiction when exposure reveals this garden-variety affair.

It was only a few weeks after exposure that my husband told me he felt relief. He wanted it done -- the lies, the cheating, the feeling bad about himself -- but he didn't have the strength of character to end it himself. He even told me that he had decided to end it if it was exposed.

This is my story. We'll be here to support you if you do expose. There's a reason why affairs are secretive, why a man wouldn't want his affair exposed. It reveals weakness of character, low impulse control, hubris, selfishness... He may find some strength of character with exposure that he has not had without it. In many ways, I think an affair hurts the participants more than the betrayed spouses. Where is their integrity in doing such a thing? Only by ending the affair and trying to rebuild their lives can they reclaim their integrity. And they can reclaim it...

Cherishing

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to talk to me. I will carefully consider each and everything you guys had to say and check back in tom. My kids are getting ready to come home now. You have opened my eyes to the fact that I have just been sitting here with two black eyes for the last month. I will take some action and pick up my weapons on that battlefield and take my next step. I realize you are trying to give me strength and beleive me I need it. The ironic part of that is that I always thought I was a strong person until this. Thank You again....Sink

Thanks for listening, Sink. We will be here to help you when you are ready to move. We are on the side of your marriage! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ahh Sink.. you're stronger than you think.

You'll read those words a lot on these boards, but it's true.

You've got children to fight for.. a marriage you believe in even if your spouse doesn't. THAT will make you stronger than you ever believed you could be.

I know it doesn't feel like it now.. but you will come out of this blessed.. one way or the other.

She is weakened from not defending herself while under fire. She will immediately build STRENGTH once she chooses to start defending herself. Feelings follow ACTION so she can CHOOSE to be strong. James, hopefully she will come back and let us help her.

Hey Mel.. believe me, I -know- where she is.. I was laying down and playing dead only a month ago..

Now I'm feeling strong and in control of -me-.. which is all I can control at this point.

She'll get there.. we all needed a nudge or two at first... well, most of us.

yep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had the same fear about my WW. I didn't confront her about her A because I was afraid she would simply run off with OM. Looking back, if WW had done that it probably would've woken her up to reality a lot quicker. Instead I tried to placate and not make her mad by allowing her to try and remain "friends" with OM.

So please listen to the posters here and don't give in to your fears. The things they recommend may seem to go against reason, but that's because affairs go against reason.

Good morning!
O.K. so I was curious whether he was still seeing her also...He says he is not, but he did say he would still like to meet with her and talk to her. (which I had told him before he couldn't do) Also there is something going on this weekend that he said he had even considered going to...she will be there, I had told him before that I wouldn't be going. I thought he hadn't considered it either until that moment. That is when I have to remember he is an alien right now.
I always felt like I had said...it's me or her in effect, but realize now I went aboout saying it in all the wrong ways. Whenever I would stand up and be strong, he would say he is leaving or something and I would just kindof retreat.
He was telling me it would all be o.k. and he knows we can make it work....I told him that if my options at this point are either I lose him, or I live with the fact that he and she will remain friends, that I can't do it. I think his reaction was like, who are you talking to...He knows that two people know. I told him that they are being very supportive of our marraige and he should thank them and that I have a hard time even talking to them, cause they don't want to tell me what I don't want to here which is that he is choosing her, no matter where he lives. He said it would make him very sad if he had to do that, since they had been really good friends before any of this happened. We might even have to move. Then he just got mad and said well I hope you will be happy with the advice you got to tell me this. Before he left he was nice again and said we will work it all out.

Good morning, sink!


He would not tell you the truth if he was. But that doesn't matter. He talks to her every day so the affair is in full swing. It never stopped. He was hoping to keep it quiet enough to shut you up.



In other words, he knows you have no boundaries that you wil defend. He knows he can have TWO WOMEN and no one will stop him.


it will be ok as long as you shut up about his affair.


More evidence that he thinks you won't defend yourself.


Ok, sink. Are you ready to get to work here?

What do your H and the OW do for a living?

I know this is all still baby steps and I realize I should be doing more than that a month in...but it's what I can do. I do think it made me stronger just to say it. I guess the biggest thing that I realized last night is that my putting off the hard work and keeping the peace, I am just putting off the inevitable. He even said he appreciates how understanding I have been. I told him I finally realized that I thought I was doing that for the kids, but really I'm not fighting for my marriage.
I also realized that it's me that's afraid of exposure. I almost feel like if I have to go through that pain, I would just rather start over. He is wonderful but not without his faults. He does border on depression and alcoholism. Sometimes I wonder if we would all be happier to not deal with that. I wonder whether he would be happier with her. The one thing I know for sure is that my children will NOT handle him not living with us well. I think they will blame me forever.

To tell you the truth I don't even know what she does. I don't think he really knows for sure either. Some type of help financially for a small business or 1 person? My husband works for a small company also. In product development and art. They have no connection.

You're still -re-acting out of fear Sinkingin.

Look at it this way. If you don't stand up for yourself, establish boundaries and -enforce- them. Regardless of the outcome your children, your husband, and you will do something worse than blame you for this... they won't respect you either.

Sometimes divorce is inevitable.

Most times it is not. But we do things to further ourselves down that path. If you -want- a failed marriage.. if you -want- to put your kids through that.. if you -want- to lie down and be a doormat for this man to expose you to all manner of STD's, emotional abuse, and feel the way you feel right now for the rest of your life... if that's what you want, continue to act out of fear.

Step outside yourself for a moment and examine your motives for what you want to do.. and what you don't want to do. If at -any- point your motive is 'well I'm afraid that' ... well, then that's a desire born out of fear.

By doing nothing you are NOT stopping this affair.. by doing nothing you are actually being a part of it... facilitating it... by not enforcing your boundaries you are turning yourself into a doormat.. that's not something you can blame your husband for... that's something you're choosing.

Sink --
You have got to get your head straight.

Your kids will blame YOU forever????? Why? What did YOU do wrong? Can you fix the blame squarely where it belongs?
On your husband.

Why can't you think in terms of: "the kids will blame HIM forever." That is the correct way to look at this.
Who is responsible for the loss of the family unit? WH and OW. Not YOU.

So before you get to work on saving your marriage you need to make the commitment and the decision that you WANT to save your marriage. You have been handed your "get-out-of-marriage-free-card". No one would blame a wife who boots out a cheating man. You CAN make that choice.

You also can make the choice to forgive and rebuild.

Which one do you want?

And if you choose the marriage you have got to get on board with the plans.