O.k. I'll try and keep brief...I need help, I found out about an affair....it started off emotional and turned into more. I think he almost feels like since thats the case it's not as bad as someone who just cheats. By the way I never thought we would be here...Still can't even beleive it! Well anyway, now, he still hasn't stopped communicating with her. I think since it went on for over a year, he and she are just a part of each others lives now. I know that that can't happen, but I am so scared because although he says that he loves me so much and he isn't going to leave, I don't think he can let go of her at this point. By the way, I had feelings about this person...my own concerns all along...., but I never thought he would let this happen. We have been married for 11 years 4 boys. Together for 20 years, It was kind-of us against the world. I am just sooooo scared I don't know what to do! Sometimes I'm strong, and others I'm just so depressed I cry all the time. FYI, I'm not usually a very emotional person. I'm very reasonable, but it is so hard to say goodbye to your whole lfe and all of your dreams. Especially when he is saying it will all be alright and how much he truly loves me. Our lives were the same all this time by the way, talked all the time, we were intimate, but I could see him getting more depressed and drinking more, and not being home more. I think he knew once I found out it would be over. I am trying though for the sake of my boys, but how hard should I try if I feel he just has this other connection with this OW.

Hi, sink, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry you here. There is quite a bit for you to learn in order to turn this around, so I would suggest starting with this thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1 and then coming back and asking questions. This thread will give you a step by step guide to Plan A.

I did read it, and I know the no contact has to happen, but I just don't think it will happen. I feel the exposure won't work in this case either because he wouldn't just be furious...He would be done. I have to think of my kids.....I don't want them to know unless he is actually leaving. I'm sorry cause I don't want to waste anyones time. I know that I am doomed, I'm just having trouble accepting it. I have read a lot from the website the last month, but I need to order the book today!

oh no, you will be DONE if you don't. To help him hide his affair is to ENABLE it. Your greatest threat is the AFFAIR. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure is your most powerful weapon. It is like turning on the lights in the crack house and bringing in a crowd of people. We have had affairs end the very day they were exposed. That is not all that common, but at the least, exposure will hasten its death because it is like chemotherapy to cancer.

Yes, your husband will be furious, but the goal here to save your marriage, not to appease your husband at all costs. Your H is destroying your marriage and if you appease him, you will get.............a destroyed marriage. Your marriage can survive his temporary anger about exposure, it can't survive an ongoing affair. So, take your pick.


You don't have to be doomed if you will just try and help yourself. There are no guarantees but this is certainly not hopeless if you are willing to do some work. If you aren't willing to do anything, then I would agree it may be hopeless.

Is the OW married?

Listen to these people Sinkingin..

I'm still relatively new here.. and I've done a lot of things to botch my own chances.. these folks helped turn me around. It's only been 2 months since I suspected the affair.. I've been here the better part of that time and -believe me- this stuff works.

The plans are there for a reason.. and honestly, I'm going to tell you.. it's going to get worse before it gets better. But it -can- get better.. but you have to believe in the plans.

Trust them when they say that your marriage can survive exposure... it can.. my wife was -furious- at me for exposing to her parents and my step-daughter's grandparents. These were the people whose opinions she valued the most when we got married. She's -avoiding- them now because they know and don't approve.. if you DON'T expose you're going to give him the opportunity to go to them first and 'explain' the affair using all sorts of lies and deceptions that will undoubtedly paint you as the bad guy and him as the victim... and you'll have lost the -best- tool in your arsenal for breaking up this affair.

Another thing... do NOT threaten exposure.. just DO IT.. don't give him any warning.. let the consequences hit him square between the eyes. Your marriage -can- survive it.. will he be mad? Oh yes.. he'll be furious.. he'll threaten divorce.. he may even leave you... but it's all smoke and mirrors designed to manipulate you into being docile and enabeling.. and maybe even financing his affair.

Read up.. take it to heart. It's -not- intuitive... your intuition will work against you.. but you have to trust the plans. They -work-... I know they do.. not in my case just yet, I'm -very- early into this.. but you will read about amazing marital recoveries if you just look through the threads on this site.

Do -not- get discouraged. It will happen, we all realize it, but keep posting.. rant away here.. this is a safe place for you, where people understand what you are going through. And sometimes they may hit you with a 2X4 to get you back on track, but they do it out of care.. and because at least the veterans around here have been exactly where you are.

Affairs aren't special.. they follow a script.. the things your husband is saying probably come -right- out of the wayward spouse handbook.. Just knowing that should allow you to have a measure of comfort... these plans work for busting up affairs.. they work for restoring marriage, but you can't follow them half heartedly.

Welcome, and listen to Melody.

Our D was final 8/30/07. My H had an emotional affair with someone he called his "BestFriend" and my antennae didn't go up at all until it was too late.

I did not expose. I WAS TOO ASHAMED AND TO AFRAID OF MAKING HIM ANGRY so I wimped out and did not take that path.

It was 10 years ago that I found the letter he had written to her tucked away in his briefcase. I didn't insist on their ending the "friendship". I tried to get him to cut back. A year after that he gave me the "I'm not in love with you and never have been and I'm just waiting until DS is out of the house tomove out and live alone." speech.

That is your future unless you expose. Be brave. I wasn't.

Oh yes, and I felt like the other woman in our marriage. He stopped touching me. Shrank from my touch. Stopped looking at me. His pupils shrank when he had to look me in the eye. I once sarcastically shouted at him "Don't cheat on OW by having sex with your wife!" and he actually blushed and jerked his head back and widened his eyes at me. His irises actually changed color, that moment, from gray to turquoise.

He poo poohed my comments about the changes in his skin color, his eyes and pupils, even his body temperature, which I could feel change in the air around him. Said I was crazy.

Jamesus, keep at it!

She was married, they are seperated now, that is when this all started, she was not someone who we knew before we moved here. He met her right after she and her husband were splitting up because of an affair she had. He thought she was nice, and even tried to get us to be friends at first. I can't even believe the man I used to know would give this woman the time of day. I think she was just "cool". Her kids are a little older than mine, so she had a little less stress than me with my four. Her one son is my oldest son's friend. We can't escape her, our kids play sports together and everything. My small children love her, so when we see her they run to her. It's a knife in my heart everytime, cause I can't even say anything.

I had to get my youngest from pre-school...I do want to say I appreciate your time, everything you say makes perfect sense, like someone says below, I think I may actually need the 2X4 to get it though. I am really trying to get honest with myself, and know that this won't go away, If I'm not the bravest I've ever been. I am a very nice person, but I always thought that I was strong, and would never be a doormat, I definately feel stepped on now.

Yes, you can say something. You WON'T say anything because you are ENABLING this affair. At the expense of your marriage and your childrens family.

You are helping the OW destroy your family at your childrens expense. And you even allow your children to run to her! She is probably thinking that is a good thing to familiarize herself with your children for when your H leaves you for her. She plans on REPLACING YOU so this works out good.

Now, whose side did you say you are on? Because I can't tell.

I know, I almost think a call from me might even be enough to help in stopping the contact but haven't even done that, cause I know he will be furious, cause you know, "She feels soooo bad!" Like I would worry about being "mean" to her.

You are rightfully very emotional and very depressed. I want to warn you about something, sink. People have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from enduring the fallout of a continued affair. This is effecting your mental health and will get worse unless you start taking some steps to protect yourself. If you have a nervous breakdown, your marriage will likely NOT make it because who would attracted to a babbling mess? Nor will you be able to take care of your kids in this condition.

So be assured that there are GRAVE CONSEQUENCES to doing nothing. Consequences that harm you, your children's family and security and only serve to HELP the OW steal your husband.

Adultery is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child and this is the type of duress to which you are treating yourself. You stand to lose EVERYTHING if you don't stand up and do something.

Sinkingin...

WHY WHY WHY are you worried about how she feels? WHY are you concerned about making your WH mad about exposure?

Look at their actions.. not their words.. their -actions-.. do either of them really care how all this is making -you- feel?

The answer is NO!
They don't care how you feel!
Your feelings don't even enter into it!

Stop worrying about making your husband mad.. unless you want to be a doormat, lose any respect he might actually still have for you, and watch him grow more and more attached to her.. you MUST stop enabling this affair.

YES, he's going to be mad at you for doing -anything- to make it difficult for him to have his cake and eat it too.

Your marriage -can- survive him being mad at you.
IT CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.

You make the choice.. but if you sit on the fence long enough, you're going to lose your husband.

What does the OW do for a living? What does your H do?

Here is who you should be calling:

1. her husband
2 her parents
3. her pastor
4. her employer if this is a workplace affair

then on your side:

1. his parents
2. your parents
3. close sibs and friends
4. pastor

YOUR CHILDREN. Your children should be told about this AFFAIR! To allow them to go around this UNFIT, SLEAZY SKANK, whose goal is to break up their family, is galling and should STOP. Your kids need to know she is a bad woman and there will never be contact again.


Then you can call up the OW and tell her you will do what it takes to save your marriage, she can count on it. Let her know there is no future with your H and ask her to end contact. Here is something Dr Harley told a lady to say in a similar situation:

Great post, James. However, she is not on a fence, but on a field of battle. Under FIRE. Her marriage is under fire. Her children's family is under FIRE. And she won't pick up the weapon at her side to defend herself for fear she will make her attackers "angry."

Please listen to Mel!

And another addition to the exposure list -- all of the sports team parents.

Start telling people Sink!

This OW had another affair? That caused the end of her marriage? For SURE tell her separated husband. He deserves to know and use this against her for custody etc.

And remind YOUR husband "nice" women don't go around breaking up families everywhere!

A good point ML.. but really this is about fear.

When we act out of fear we tend to react rather than act. Actions born of fear are -rarely- beneficial to our well being. They are triggered by primal fight or flight instincts, and in Sinkingin's case the fight instinct just isn't there and the flight instinct is stuck in neutral.

You really have three choices Sinkingin..

1) Enable this affair by supporting it and lose your husband
2) Enable this affair by rolling over and doing whatever he wants you to do out of fear of making him mad.. and lose your husband.
3) Fight for your marriage and -maybe- not lose your husband.

Pick one.. stick with it. Sometimes we make choices in life that we can't look back from. You are in one such fork in the road of your life. You can choose the one chance you have to -maybe- save your marraige. Or... you can decide that it isn't worth it to you.

I really do know that you guys are so right. I guess I felt like I was being strong just staying in the fight at all....I am not fighting though. I felt like I was doing this all to PROTECT my children. You have both opened my eyes that the only way I can save them is to take action. It's just hard when your operating in numbness. I raise 4 children and do daycare out of my home part-time. I feel like I am just trying to make it through everyday and still be the person everyone expects me to be. I do beleive that my husband loves me still, or I would have already given up. We have been each others best friends for 20 years. I think he just needed something else that I just wasn't able to give him...Someone new to share his stories etc. with. Well, he did it, I'm just afraid that he loves her too much. He says that that's what is hard for him, is that she loves him so much. I just really believe that in the real world they would never last. If that wasn't the case, I wouldn't be here still. I don't even think they ever planned on how they would have a future together, it was like he was just living in the moment.
I feel like the biggest fool.....I guess in a way I'm afraid if I confront her and he gets mad and runs to her, than I will be a fool again. Iknow, I know, I'm being a fool again right now by letting her take him.

How well has placating your FEARS served you so far?

He doesnt need to be "mad" to run to her NOW. He doesn't need that excuse.