Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer.

I have a friend that I've known since high school that had been married for 14 years when her husband started having an affair. She did not expose because his dad was sick with cancer. She did not expose because she knew her husband would be angry. She did not expose because she was humiliated. She did not expose because she was afraid it would make her look bad (like she couldn't keep her own husband). She did not expose because........

Yeah, her husband left her two weeks after his father's funeral, then he "talked her into" an amicable divorce and in order to keep from angering him (hoping someday he'd come back when he discovered what a wonderful, self-sacrificing woman she was who just wanted him to be happy), she agreed to the divorce on his terms.

He married the other woman 4 years ago and they are now in the process of building a new house, taking custody of her oldest child, and planning a baby of their own.

How did that (non-exposure) work for her? As a result of her reluctance to expose, everybody has happily accepted the OW's relationship with her ex because it was kept a secret until after the divorce. She stands by and doesn't say anything because she did NOT expose when it could have helped her.

YOU have a choice. You can be a doormat...not very attractive in the eyes of a WH and won't get you anywhere, --OR-- you can take a stand and do what you need to do to protect yourself, your children, and your marriage. It won't be easy. You have to put on your big girl panties and make some very uncomfortable decisions. Some day your husband and children will thank you for it.

I'm sorry for your friend, or anyone else who has to endure this. I wonder this...I have just recently come accross her husbands e-mail address. I know he suspected that something was going on between my WH and her. At one point he had moved back in to try again. He is kind-of a deadbeat though. I think he had a girlfriend now, and hasn't seen his kids in two months. Then again, I can't judge, he was cheated on so maybe he is just destroyed. Remember they are split up, but should I start there? Do you think that would let her know I am very serious...I wonder would that scare her enough to put an end to her side of this contact, and then I will deal with his side.

You said she was very afraid of exposure. Exposure to WHOM? What is she most scared of?

sink, I think it is going to take a tsunami rather than a pea shooter. And let me explain. This OW is very, very brazen and manipulative. She thinks nothing about rubbing your nose in her affair with your H and befriending your own children, whose father she is trying to steal. This is why I don't believe that simply contacting her H will do the trick. She will laugh it off.

I think you are still in conflict avoidance mode and are lookng for the easiest possible half measures. Unfortunately, half measures will avail you nothing.

I just spoke to him and explained again that I was done trying to figure him out, and that it had to be NO contact he said so when I see her at basketball and she says hi, what do I do, just turn my back? I told him that he/we should write her a letter explaining that this is what we're doing. I said she doesn't expect ME to talk to her that's for sure. It would be the same. I told him I wasn't going to try to make sense of what happened anymore, now I was just concerned about what I need and no contact has to be how it is. So.....we'll see. I think you will all want more, I wish I was there. I am trying. I had told him once before that we should live together here while we sort through how to tell the kids etc. if it didn't work out. I really mean that my next step will either be moving into another room, or exposure to someone,,,I don't know if that means everyone yet, or just someone. I still don't know if I can handle that exposure yet. Like I said once before....I don't think I could salvage our marraige once everyone knows.

I know for now all of the great things you say may appear to not be "sinking in" but they are I will get it. I am one of those thinkers....never act impulsively. I am still listening to everything everyone has to offer and very much appreciate the cander. I will do what I need to...it may just take me a little longer than most.

I don't think you can salvage the marriage UNLESS you expose. Because unless you expose this affair, it is not going to end. You can't SALVAGE your marriage if the affair continues and keeping it secret helps it THRIVE. Keeping their secret is to ENABLE THE AFFAIR.

You are headed towards divorce NOW. Every day his affair gets more and more cemented. He grows closer and closer to his lover because you won't stop him.

No, he wouldn't be at the basketball game. No contact means he NEVER goes where he knows she will be. Even if that means moving to another city.

Print this article and tell him you will accept nothing less:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure, it CANNOT survive an ongoing affair.

One night after I found out...maybe just a week later or so, he went to see her...left our house and went to talk to her. That was the worst night yet. He only told me because he told me he would be honest fromnow on. I thought he wasn't going to come home...I think if my 5 year old who is THE cutest thing in the world hadn't asked when he was coming home he wouldn't have. Anyway that night before he left I handed him some of that article. To my knowledge he still hasn't read it.

You are killing your marriage and your childrens family by refusing to defend them. Do you realize that? All because you are scared of your husbands anger. What will you tell your kids when he leaves you for the OW? "sorry kids, I didn't do anything to stop the affair but I didn't want your dad mad at me."

If you appease someone who is destroying your marriage you have a ..............destroyed marriage.

Ask your self these questions...

Do you love your husband?

Do you want this marriage?

Do you want your kids to have the loving stable environment they deserve with a mother and father at home?


If you answer yes to all the above....you need to change your focus and fight. If not for yourself for your children...you have 2 paths before you one leads to nothing but the destruction of your family....the other...even though it's a long hard road...leads to something with a much better out come.

Look at your kids and see this as a threat to them and fight....fight for them. As a mother I would take anyone head on who dared to hurt my child. That is a mothers duty. Don't sit and be the meek house cat...It's time to let the lioness loose.

I agonized for almost a year about calling this woman's husband, so I appreciate how difficult it is for you to make the decision. Exposure doesn't necessarily mean that the affair ends. Just look at LilSis' situation. What it does mean is that the truth is known -- the separated husband knows, your children know, your family knows...

"The truth shall set you free." Right now, your husband is living a lie, and so are you. You got pulled into it, but you can get out of it by letting others know and -- then let the chips fall where they may. He may decide to end the affair, or he may decide to continue it, but what he won't be doing is pretending it's OK to be with her at a game.

Cherishing

right...even after what I know everyone here thinks is a little step toward assertiveness...he is already mad. Just cause I am standing up and saying he cannot be her friend.

Consider this Sink:

"I know he suspected that something was going on between my WH and her. At one point he had moved back in to try again. He is kind-of a deadbeat though. I think he had a girlfriend now, and hasn't seen his kids in two months. Then again, I can't judge, he was cheated on so maybe he is just destroyed."

What is the source of ANY of this information? Your lying husband? Or your husbands lying girlfriend?
Consider the source. This man is very likely a decent man trying to fathom how his family is falling apart.
Perhaps telling him will help him make sense of the chaos in his world. Perhaps telling him will help him work on his marriage and family.

What do you suppose your very own husband told OW about YOU?
"she doesn't love me"
"our marriage has been over for years"
"she only wants me there for the $$$"
"we haven't had sex in 3 years"
"we're only together for the kids"

Who -cares- if he gets mad..

This is your boundary.. enforce it.

Part of being married is being exclusive to eachother. That's your boundary. If he wants to be your husband, he's going to have to man up and -be- your husband.

If not.. you don't want him around your kids anyhow.. imagine if they start assuming that acting the way he does is OK... you're going to let him teach those lessons to your kids?

right.........who knows...I asked him once if he told her she still loved me, and he said yes, but of course that is his statement. Although I think he has told me a lot of things I didn't want to hear, so I think it was truthful.

ok, if you are going to make him mad no matter what you do, why not get your money's worth and make it worth your while? You meekly asked him to end contact and he blew you off and is MAD. You didn't get anything for your efforts and he is MAD. Why not get something for your efforts if you are going to make him mad anyway?

Do you see what I mean by getting your moneys worth?

Also, did you DIE from his anger? Was it really that scary?

So what...it's your right.....he crossed that boundry....he has to deal with the consequences of his actions....he can't have his cake and eat it to. I swear....one thing I never stepped down from was my right to stand up for what was right and protect my child from what was going on.....YOU ARE HIS WIFE.....he made vows to you in front of god....she has no right to tred on that boundry and she is a threat to your family. Bedamned his temper tantrum. I wish I could switch for you and do it for you but I can't you need to stand up for your rights. Are you seriously going to let him continue to hurt your children?
He is not god and not master of his domain right now. Don't buy into it. He's trying to be a dictator and dictate your behaviour and manipulate you by letting this go on.

You don't have a lick of Irish blood, do you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />