sinkingin,
It's working fine for you. Why do you think he doesn't want you to expose? Then it wouldn't be working fine for him. You don't need to be done. You need to help him face the truth. Your only tool is exposure. The rest is up to him.
Cherishing

How long before you think the OW pushes him to kick you the curb? I bet she is laying the groundwork for that as we speak. Most women will not put up with this competition for long. Pretty soon she will not tolerate your presence and will take your slot. She is carefully working your husband to get that slot for herself.

I know that you guys don't want to hear this, but I'll just say it...If he isn't chosing me...Then I don't want him. I don't want to expose, go through all that comes with that...and then our first fight or something he may lapse and go back to her...Then all that comes with that. That is a future I don't want...It really is quite simple...If he has to make this "hard" decision then he simply choses her instead of me. I might as well start making plans for my own life, and deal with the fact that four really good, really cute boys will have to suffer for my weakness and that of their father.

I will still be exposing in the end...the only difference is I will be done before the truth comes out to everyone.

You don't understand his mental state, sink. He is a drunk who is under the influence of an addictive affair. He does not have the capability to make sound, rational choices. And he won't until he sobers up from his affair.

For now, he is choosing BOTH of you. Because he has no motivation to choose one since you are PROTECTING his affair. He can have you BOTH until the OW starts pressuring him. All the while you sit there with the ammunition in your hand to kill his affair. And won't use it.

You have the ammunition in your hand to make it very, very hard for him to choose the OW. But you won't use it.

If he does choose the OW, he will be making the biggest mistake of his life. It will harm him, you and your children. Why wouldn't you want to do everything in your power to STOP the man you supposedly LOVE from making the biggest mistake of his life?

You are more scared of his anger than you are of losing your marriage and your children's family. Do you realize that?

So you don't want to even TRY to save your marriage? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> If you are going to expose anyway, why not do it now to see if you can kill the affair?

yes I do, however I also know my husband and I know that the way he is exposure will push him to her. I think the risk of exposure might be the only thing keeping him here with me, not the other way around. I think if everyone in our lives would know anyway...he would chose to be with her.

Yes absolutely if we split up...I'm not going to hide the real reason from anyone, I just know that I can't be standing beside him at that point. I know I am "saving face". I will feel stronger if people know when they find out that I am not taking what he is dishing out. The only problem with that and the reason I don't do it right now, is because at least right now it seems to me that there is no turning back from that point on. So it is a really big decision to tell him get out, I'm done, go and be with your ho...and enjoy the fall-out.

sink, he already IS with her. He is having an affair, remember? He has chosen her...........and you. And the only thing that is keeping it going is the SECRECY. You are ENABLING THE AFFAIR by keeping their secret. AFFAIRS THRIVE ON SECRECY.

We also KNOW your husband, a typical WS, and know that exposure will ruin their affair. Why do you think they are afraid of it?

sink, this will be my last post to you, because I am not willing to do more work than you are willing to do. If you are not willing to help yourself, then neither am I.

If you decide to ever save your marriage, give me a shout out and I will help you.

I forget, are you working outside of the home? What will child support be for 4 kids in your state?

Huh??? But you ARE taking it. You will feel stronger when you STOP taking what he's dishing out. That could be TODAY.

But, if you're sticking with your plan of waiting for HIM to decide, you should start preparing for your future of a life without your WH. Get your finances in order. Talk to an attorney ASAP to protect your assets. Sit the children down and tell them what's going on. It's their lives too. They didn't ask for any of this.

I know! Why don't you just move out of the home and invite OW to move in to replace you? That's exactly what you're doing by your refusal to take the steps you need to take.

Sorry. It is what it is.

Sorry to be blunt....but all I can do is quote the commercial....

JUST DO IT!

I don't have the energy to post to you any more, sink. Go back and reread the posts from all of the MBers.

There is nothing to lose by exposing. It is the tool that will work. If you expose after your marriage is over, there is no point to it.

The MB way will save your dignity, self respect, and your boys.

Hey, Sinkingin!

I don't normally post much, but you remind me of myself a lot so I decided I would. The people here are very correct in their advice to you, and if you do not act now, you will lose everything! I know, because I did lose everything; I did not discover Marriagebuilders until a month before my divorce was final Aug. 10. However, one of my best friends gave me advice very similar to the people here, and I did not listen.

I suspected the affair in Fall 2005. I did not ACT! I asked questions, but of course he lied, and let him deceive me! His OW from work would even come by and pick him up and drive him to and from work. I was suspicious but instead of confronting the issue and listening to my friends who repeatedly told me "something was up" I let it go, kept my mouth shut, and was distant and hateful and weak while he was present. So he wasn't present that much, choosing to spend time with her instead.

He moved out Feb. 2006, and because he need "time to be alone." To learn to be a better husband and father. I strongly suspected the affair all Spring, but had no hard evidence. I finally got proof in June 2006.

But, you see, I screwed up bad! I should have listened to my friends. I should have investigated like mad in Fall of 2005, and exposed, exposed, exposed!!!! I was ashamed too, like you, I did not want anyone to know. I did not file an order for child support, could not pay bills, went a week without electricity (I have 3 kids), ended up filing bankruptcy and lost everything - house, car, marriage! He paid what he wanted, when he wanted, had kids around OW who had a nice home with neat stuff like Xbox, pool table, and presents for them, so they just loved her! And I let this happen, because I didn't want anyone to know. Because it doesn't matter how great a father they seem to be, everything and everyone suddenly become insignificant when a spouse is involved in the affair. All that matters is the OP, and their own selfish desires! I never thought for a moment my now ex-husband would ever do this. And I made it a competition, kept going to him, see him, have sex with him, bought him presents, I begged him, I completely reduced myself to some poor pathetic woman with no dignity or self-respect! I always thought I was strong until this happened, then I just became a complete doormat! THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, A DOORMAT!!!

And my husband knew it, loved, and took advantage of it, just like your husband is and will continue to do so if you let him. They like the competition - 2 women competing for his affections, he's the big man now, he's such a stud. He will play it as long as you let him! My ex knew exactly what he was doing - he would say a few nice things, indicating our future, I would get my hopes up and spend time with him, cater to his needs, then he would smash them, tell me he wants her, I would LB, we would go a few days without talking - and then the cycle would start all over again!

Hindsight is always 20/20, and I know my ex, and if I had followed this program there's a good chance I would have recovered my marriage, and I would not be broke, with bad credit, living in a roach infested 2 bed apt with 3 kids.

So get your ducks in a row, and take action!!! Yes, your husband will be angry, yes, you may still end up divorced, but you will have your self-respect and dignity, you will be strong and you will be content knowing you did all you could to fight for your marriage! Do not be complacent, do not be a doormat - that will be the death of your marriage for sure!

Don't mean to be harsh, but I know exactly where you are and unfortunately, where that will lead you!

Flyrec1973
Me: 34
Ex: 34
Son: 13
Son: 9
Daughter: 7
DDay: June 2006
Divorced: Aug. 10, 2007
"Why Be Normal?"

Sinkin:

You are waiting.

For WHAT?

Make the calls, send the letters of exposure.

Your WH will be MAD.

So what.

He's MAD already. He is under the spell of the A.

Will he choose you?

Only if you MAKE YOURSELF the BETTER choice.

OW SEEMS like the better choice right now. To him. To YOU. But, WH still comes home at night to you, doesn't he?

If OW was so great, WHY doesn't he move out and LIVE with HER?

Cause you are the choice he wants.

Believe me.

I made that choice for 4.5 years. To go home each night to my BS. And keep the OW on the string.

Because it was easy to do.

And the day that OW called my BS, it was over.

It destroyed the fantasy.

You need to expose.

You need to have your WH make a choice.

You ARE the easier choice.

You can become the woman that he wants forever. He married you. He had children with you.

Because you can learn where things went wrong in your marriage and fix them. This site has EVERYTHING you need for that.

LG

"If he isn't chosing me...Then I don't want him."

What does it mean to you to say that he is choosing you? If he is living with you and making promises to you, can you tell yourself that he is choosing you? Because he is. The problem is that he is also choosing her, and you are allowing that situation to continue.

"I know that the way he is exposure will push him to her. I think the risk of exposure might be the only thing keeping him here with me, not the other way around."

If exposure pushes him to her, would that be better than the situation you are now in? Exposure can, in fact, result in his leaving you and being with her. Have you considered what that might mean? Consider living 10, 20, 30 years... with his cheating on you when he feels like it with whom he feels like it. Which would be a better life? To be a single Mom or married to a man who is so thoughtless as to be with other women?

I have four children, one of whom is a boy. That boy nearly killed himself several times when he was 3 and 4 years old. He's had stitches twice, a broken arm, and a bent arm that required surgery. I became very risk-averse trying to keep him alive!

You state above that you want to avoid risk, and that is why you are not going to expose. OK. You have given us the opportunity to persuade you to expose, and you have decided not to expose.

Most of us are on this board because we have been or are betrayed spouses, and we have a great respect for Dr. Harley's viewpoint. He is willing to address situations of specific people.

Here is a low risk way to get more information. Write to Joyce Harley at jharley@marriagebuilders.com, explain your situation in great detail, tell her that you will not expose, and ask for advise on what you can do so that you aren't stuck in this terribly hurtful situation. She can read parts of the letter over the air. No one will know that you are the person being talked about, since they just give a first name and the state. You can listen to the response over the Internet.

In the end, I didn't rationally decide to call the woman's husband and let him know what I knew. Instead, I called the radio show, timing it so that the call would be taken after they were off the air, Dr. Harley said to call the woman's husband (same thing he had said months earlier when I wrote to the radio show), and I didn't even hang up the receiver. I pushed the button on the phone to disconnect from the radio show and immediately called the woman's husband. I felt ashamed and told no one that I had called him. I didn't think I had done the right thing even after I did call. In fact, it has taken me several years of wrestling with this very issue to conclude that, while my husband was 100% responsible for having an affair, I needed to have protected myself from the harm I was in by getting out of that situation, either by leaving or by booting him out or by exposing. It's been five and one half years since the day I made that call -- April 22, 2002. It was, in fact, a momentous decision for me, and it will be for you as well. It is not a decision to be made lightly, and obviously you are not making it lightly. We are not experts here. Dr. Harley makes himself available, and it might be a good idea for you to email him with your situation.

Good luck on keeping those boys safe! There is a mother from my son's school who has four sons, and she always looks frazzled!

Cherishing

sinkingin
If you will allow me, I would like to inject my humble opinion, complete with disclaimers that I could be very wrong.

I would only suggest to you, that I don't think it is exposure that frightenes you.
So fear doesn't really seem like an excuse for not exposing.

How about the notion that what you really fear, is the REALLY HARD WORK OF RECOVERY? Too many " what if's" and so much continued pain and heartache while you muck you're way through this minefield. Perhaps yo've decided it's not worth it. This would rightfully be your choice if you so decide. No one here will disagree with you choice.

How about the fear of investing yourself in recovery, only to fail and you or he decide it's not worth it? Those are pretty big fears that most all of us had to live with, and often, continue to do so to some extent.

So what do you think, ready to give it a go and be vunerable again? It won't happen overnight, but you cannot even begin the journey until you expose and kill the A.

It's your choice, and yours alone.

I wiss you strengh and blessings,
Jerry

Your marriage CAN survive your husband's anger.

Your marriage CANNOT survive your husband screwing another woman.

Your call.
Mulan

help, I just exposed a little...can you expose a little....I just couldn't sit and do nothing any longer. Remember I told you about that function he might go to that she would be there...? Well tonight he started saying he might go...and I lost it. I knew she was one of the organizers, and I went there and called her aside and told her in front of 3 other ladies that I wanted her to stop screwing my husband and stay away from my children. Her only response was that she has tried but he...That's as far as she got and I said you know what if he can't do the right thing maybe you can!
I know this wasn't the way to go about exposure, but I lost it. I had to at least take a little step!

Now I'm home. and I have to decide what to tell my husband...he will probably leave...I know that but I'm not sure I'm ready!

Okay, that was a start. Besides exposing at the event, you need to expose at work, to her husband if she has one, to friends, family, etc. I would go ahead and continue exposing. Might as well get it all over with in one swoop, since he WILL be FURIOUS. He may tell you that is the final straw, you are crazy, it's none of your business, blah, blah, blah.

Your answer should be that you will do what it takes to protect the family and children.