I know you are right. As strong as everyone around me thinks I am...I am just weak.. I have said all along it is ME that is afraid of the exposure. I am slow...in getting all of this and I know I don't have the luxury of time on my side. I am trying to learn from all of you though... I don't want to be wondering why I didn't do more when I look back on this one day.
In my warped way of thinking I still wonder....In the very beginning before the PA I found an e-mail. They were talking about the fact that she still hoped he would like her when he found out that her marriage was ending because of an affair that she had. That's when he said he understood and didn't feel differently and was having a hard time fighting his own feelings for her. I thought after I read that and confronted him...that was the end, but obviously I was wrong. I never let go of my questioning and I thought he was being honest, but instead it intensified right under my nose. Anyway.... she wasn't that worried about how that effected us, my discovery, what she was worried about is that people would find out she had an affair. My WH told me that she was very concerned I would tell people about it. He assured her I wasn't that kind of person. He was right, but I still wonder now, if she was so concerned won't me threatening to expose at least that affair possibly help to let their affair not continue...or you think it will just bond them? ...I don't know, I just wonder if I said :
We are trying to work things out. I know you didn't show any care or concern for me or my children in all this time, but I would hope you have an ounce of compassion in your soul you would give us this time to try and save our marriage and not contact or accept any contact from my H. I hope you will, cause in the end if this doesn't work, everyone will know exactly who and what you are.

" I am definately closer to confronting the two of them."

"what she was worried about is that people would find out she had an affair. My WH told me that she was very concerned I would tell people about it. He assured her I wasn't that kind of person."

You can talk to him and to her all you want, and it won't be a problem for them. THEY already know that they are having an affair.

Exposure means exposure to others, not discussion with them.

I talked to OW every month during the affair. It was only when I called OW's husband that the affair ended. I know you are hoping that OW will leave you and your husband alone. You are giving her the benefit of the doubt, and that is admirable.

You want to follow the POJA because you care about how your husband feels, and he doesn't want you to unnecessarily hurt another human being. Your intent is very thoughtful. Your husband is using your character of thoughtfulness against you so that he can continue hurting you.

I was in agony for months and months -- from July until April -- because my husband told me that he had confided in me and it would be a betrayal of his trust if I called this woman's husband, that it was up to her to tell her husband and to deal with her marriage just as he was being honest with me. Honest -- not exactly.

There is such a thin as a BS fog. You don't want to be the type of person to broadcast other people's thoughtless behavior. You want to think the best of people. You want people to make choices to correct their own behavior.

If you look at LilSis's thread, exposure does not necessarily end an affair. You are not trying to control them. What you are doing is making the truth known. How I regret not having called in July. I cannot go back in time, nor can you. Look ahead. Exposure means the truth is out and must be dealt with. Right now, no one needs to deal with the truth. It's all pretense.

Cherishing

I worded my last sentence wrong, what I really meant to say is, if you can't give us this chance I will tell everyone exactly who and what you are.

I don't think they can turn this around as me being the crazy lady...I don't think there is anyone in our small little town that will think I am crazy or lying.

I know I am threatening exposure, but couldn't that still work in the same way if that's what she is afraid of?

But that would be a lie. You ARE laying down to allow her to take your husband and your children. She is going to replace you. She can do whatever she wants to you and she knows you won't stop her. Do your clothes fit her?

probably

sink, we don't have the power to make you defend yourself and your children. You are weak because you CHOOSE to avoid conflict and that is your right. You have a right to allow that woman to take your H and your children and not lift a finger to do anything about it.

So I am sitting here asking myself, why should I lift a finger to post to someone who can't be bothered to lift a finger to help herself? Its your life, after all. If you aren't willing to do any work then why should I?

OK that was soooo pessimistic of you....buck up woman.....I swear is nothing sacred enough that you would fight for it.

I feel like I'm ready to stand my ground...
I feel like I'm ready to not stand for any less......
I feel like I could actually confront her.....
It's the exposure that I'm not ready for....weak or not.
It's been 1 month I won't let this drag on, I know it already has, but some of that was just getting over the initial shock. I am allowed that aren't I. They had 8 months to get used to the idea...I am just simply trying as hard as I can to survive. ...and I will and one way or another he will be sorry he did this!

After my months of agony and finally exposing, you know what my husband said to me? He said, "You knew something was going on, and you didn't do anything."

My failure to expose he decided was my tacit permission.

You DEFEND nothing by exposing. You CHANGE nothing by exposing. What you do is put the truth out for all to see, and then it is your husband who must decide what he wants to do. It's still his life. It's still his choice.

So -- why would you expose? You seem to think that the threat of exposure may end contact. NOT TRUE. It's not even true that exposure will end contact. There was a woman who actually got her WH to appear on the Dr. Phil show and talk about his affair with another woman -- and this man still stayed with his affair partner. That was national exposure!!!

http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/430

On the forum, she was known as MomTo3Boys, but I think she's changed her name. Her story is a striking example of what exposure cannot do.

You cannot change your husband's behavior by exposing. What you can do by exposing to others is let him see reality better reflected in the eyes of others, of those who care about him. It is your husband's responsibility to end the affair, not yours, just like it was his responsibility to be faithful, not yours.

Expose -- and then see what he does. You have reason to be fearful because he may choose the other woman and, if he does, that is his decision. At least you are not living a lie.

Cherishing

"He assured her I wasn't that kind of person. "

Surprise him and surprise her, make them change their perception about you, make them respect you.

"In my warped way of thinking I still wonder....In the very beginning before the PA I found an e-mail."

You didn't do anything drastic, dramatic, and quick. Look what happened. If you don't do it this time, your marriage is over as time passes by and as their feelings grow stronger and stronger by the day.


'she wasn't that worried about how that effected us, my discovery, what she was worried about is that people would find out she had an affair."

Do you love her? If the answer is "No." Don't try to please her.

"but I would hope you have an ounce of compassion in your soul you would give us this time to try and save our marriage and not contact or accept any contact from my H."

Let me get this straight, you're relying on this woman who had sex with your husband to save your marriage? If you confront her, he will complain to your husband and they will grow closer; it will accomplish nothing. Expose the affair to anyone and everyone that's connected to you, your husband, or her.

Repeat the following again and again to yourself:

I WAS WEAK BY NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE EMAIL I FOUND AND BECAUSE OF THAT IT LEAD TO MY HUSBAND SLEEPING WITH THE OW.

I WON'T BE WEAK AGAIN BECAUSE IF I AM, THEIR LOVE AND BOND WILL GROW STRONGER AND STRONGER BY THE DAY.

I WAS BEING SELFISH WHEN I DIDN'T EXPOSE THE AFFAIR AND THINKING OF MYSELF ONLY TO SAVE FACE.

I WON'T BE SELFISH AGAIN AND GOING TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR TO EVEYONE BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO STOP THE AFFAIR ONCE AND FOR ALL AND HOPEFULLY SAVE MY MARRIAGE AND A HOME MY CHILDREN LIVE IN.

Follow my advice and the above poster's advice: Expose, Expose, Expose! IF you want your marriage to work. If not, let thing take its course and you will lose your husband and his respect in no time.

no one is ever "ready" for exposure. But are you ready to save your marriage and your family?

It is a DECISION that has to be made. It is not a "FEELING" that comes along and takes you against your will. You have to DECIDE to take action as an ACT OF WILL.

I do not think you should talk to the OW AT ALL, because she will SMELL your FEAR a mile off and will EXPLOIT it. She knows she OWNS your [censored] and it is only a matter of time before she shoves you aside and takes your place. She will be EMBOLDENED by your fear because she knows you won't lift a finger to stop her.

DO NOT show the OW how weak you are. She is a SHARK who will smell your blood in the water and continue to destroy you. While you do................nothing.

You have surrendered your life to the OW.

No, you aren't; THAT IS A LIE. You aren't trying at all. You are trying to avoid your husbands anger - THAT IS ALL.

That's not ALL; she is also trying to save her own face.

sinkingin,
There is a saying in Catholicism: "Satan is the Father of Lies." You have been drawn into evil by not being willing to expose so that the truth comes out. What you have left is a pretense. What you have is a lie.
Cherishing

I'm really still caught up in my own little pity party right now......I am just sooooo sad I just spent who knows how long just looking back at old e-mails and trying to get a grasp on when there initial friendship started and how our communication was before and after I know things started....I'm not sure if it might already be too little too late. They have been part of each others lives in some capacity or another for almost 2 years now. Maybe he really can't do without her. That's one thing I read when I saw a text once from her...it said "WH, we are part of each other now" maybe that is really true. I am still torn between fighting and talking myself out of the fight.

I'm sorry everyone...I am listening...especially Mel...I think I am really disappointing all of you. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better, or even worse.

It's not our dissapointment you need to worry about.

Look.. if you're not wanting to expose, fine. Resign yourself to losing your husband.. if not now, then later once he's really had a chance to kick your teeth in daily and trample your emotions.

Go get yourself some counseling sink.. you need it... if not now then you will definitely need it later.

Call the Harley's on the radio show.. if you won't listen to us.. maybe you'll listen to them. If not then I really don't know what you're doing here.

tahnk you...Between that and what I just heard from him...I think I am really done. He says he wants to not ruin everyhting we have worked to have and he wants a life with me...then he said that she isn't pushing him either...so basically we are both waiting around waiting for what he decides....that isn't going to work is it.

It is working just fine for your husband and his sweetheart. He can have two women as long as he wants. Of course, that may change when the OW decides to push you out.


I think I agree with you. Unless you do something to help yourself, you are probably done.