Have you read Surviving an Affair? Do you understand any of the concepts of marriage builders?

Because one thing you have to understand is that your husband is not "special"...we see and hear the SAME bs all the time. He is not saying or doing anything that we didn't predict or expect.

Frankly, until you get YOUR head on straight and start understanding the concepts here -- there is little any of us can do to help you. Because you won't follow the advice.
Because you "know better."

You need to keep exposing now that he is angry. You don't do it in an angry or hateful way. You just let folks know what is going on. OW has been secretly scheming to take your husband and your children's father away. Just let people know that. Let them know that you want to save your marriage. It makes no difference if they would be able to help the marriage or not. It is the shining the light on the sleazy affair that works.

After you have exposed, you start working on changing anything that your husband complained about BEFORE the affair. Make your home warm and welcoming. Keep yourself looking good. Be cheerful and calm.

Yep, you can do it. You are in for the long haul. It's minute by minute, hour by hour. Steady. My method was to hide away and let the "friendship" get stronger. I lost.

Your method must be dignified, repetitive, exposure without using the 4 letter words the OW so richly deserves to be called.

Instead, you stand for your marriage with class and with the truth.

Matter of fact, mention that your H is being wayward with OW, and you are fighting to keep your family and your marriage intact. You love your husband. Your children love their father. You ALL want him home with you where he belongs.

When an acquaintance asks how you are, a brief summary a la:

Not so good. WH has left us to be in an affair with OW. I am exposing his affair to the light of day. [note: here is where the OW becomes a nonentity. Other than telling her name, anything else you say is about you, and about your intention to fight to recover your marriage and keep your family together.] As short and sweet as you can make it.

My advice. Wish I'd followed it years ago.

Courage. Don't give up.

Do you live in CA.... I would love to help out.....something about your husband just gets under my skin.

Thanks for all your words of incouragement, and that is exactly what I am doing...taking it day by day and being very aware of the way I am being worked over by him at every moment. Right now he gets under my skin also. He really isn't the mean old drunk I have maybe made him out to be though. He is very well liked by everyone, a great dad, and

o_0` I think you got cut off there a bit.....

Where is he living now? Who knows about his affair at this moment...his parents, your parents?

sink, are you ready to get to work on saving your marriage or are just going to give it all up without doing a damn thing?

Your goal is to AVOID MAKING YOUR husband and his SWEETHEART angry, but our goal is to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Would you perhaps like to do that or are you going to continue sitting there doing nothing but cry while your marriage crumbles?

Where is Orchid....I would love to hear her take on this....Orchid Daaaaling are you around....

BTW how is life on the Island....still haven't made it out that way yet.

ML - amen!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Aloha Sihw,

Good to hear from you. I skimmed this thread a bit and she's got some strong MBers posting. Not sure if she is really listening because she is sooo sure he is like ....this or that.

Point is that the A skews reality and so most of us can't predict by his pre-A character vs his WS character. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Sounds more like she wants a reason to write it off. If that's the case, not even reverse babble will help.

When she is ready for real help, she can let us know. Until then she will convince herself her current course is her only choice....not true from other's POV though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

I'm sorry to say you are probably right....I may be preparing to write it off. I just don't know who he is anymore. I'm not sure if I want this new person who has taken his place to be a daily influence over my children. We will live here with soneone who we have to be gaurded around at every moment. I finally realized that almost everything I was doing in my entire life was as to not make him mad. That's no way to live. At the same time, I am holding on right now for my kids sake and just taking it day by day. I know you will say that isn't helping my children, but having him here in their lives and letting them have one more week thinking that they live in a good world and are very secure is that bad then I will just have to deal with that. Meanwhile I am just working through my feelings and trying to make sure I want him to stay here. If he doesn't stay here I don't want him to be miserable for the rest of his life. I want him to find out all about what a life with her will be like, and then be miserable for the rest of his life. If that doesn't happen and they are happy then so be it. It's just the kids...I worry that the day I have to send them away for visitation or something will be the worst day of my life. My oldest is 10 and in those 10 years I have had only 4 nights away from them...two short trips away, and I was dying the whole time. I am home with them everyday and take care of everthing here at home. He's not much of a caregiver, like I said he's the fun dad. Very sensative about them though. Loves them very deeply! This is the only thing that makes me think of giving it a chance. Other then that, I think I am already daydreaming about a more peaceful life. I have never been with another man and have never had any desire to do that. I had my own sad step-dad story and I won't do that to them...ever. Who knows, I know you never know what life will bring. If I thought he would change it would be different, I think he is depressed...a chemical imbalance of some sort, and he won't get help. I think he drinks a lot. Even if he drinks non alcoholic during the week, he still abuses alcohol all weekend. He is just very selfish right now. By the way, his dad just passed away at 62 from alcohol abuse. He slowly killed himself over the last 15 years. My WH always swore he would never be like him, but I don't think he has the will-power and strength to fight it. I have tried and tried to make him see it and fight it, but I'm not sure he will ever see. After this A I think it proves that he has no control over his actions any longer.
I already checked into house prices in our area and talked to a friend about refi to see if it is even possible to stay in our home. I got the name of an attorney also just to see what they say I have to start thinking about. I am NOT giving up yet, but I am going to start protecting myself in the mean-time. He is telling me it will all work-out...it will be fine, but I am very well aware of the fact that when he left the other night whether or not he stayed with her, he still got his fix, so right now he is trying who knows what next week will bring.

SI,

Thanks for your candid response. It takes a lot to be able to honestly see where you are at.

Based on what you have posted, you need to get a recovery plan 4 u. He really isn't being a good or even fun dad because he isn't being a good H and your children will eventually know it if not already. Do NOT underestimate what your children know.

You are a giver..... he is a major taker and the unbalance is showing in many ways.

It is causing you to teeter on the edge and this is not a good thing.

Please read SAA & HNHN. Both are by Dr. Harley.

Call Steve H @ MB and setup a phone counseling session. Read those books and take the EN questionnaire located above before you make that call. Do it ASAP.

take care,
L.

I do love you Orchid dear....I need to give you a call one day I miss our chats....

Sinking listen to this woman she knows what she is talking about.

I suspect this is a lost cause.

Thanks for all your help ML, Orchid, jamesus, ...you know I can just say thank you everyone...each and every one have you have given me strength and don't count me out yet I just may suprise you! I ordered books...finally so I have some reading to do. In a household of 6 that should be fun getting time to read...but I will! I will be back on track....I am not a lost cause! .....Thank you all

Read.
Plan.
Act.

Only you can save your M.

We can't do it for you.

We're here to help, but -you- are responsible for your actions, just like your WH.

Best of luck.. keep us posted on how it's going.

Who knows about the affair so far? Do his parents know?

He tells you that after he moved out that it will all work out? It seems that he want to have his cake and eat it too. Right now, he's probably having his fun and once the fun is gone, he will probably want to come back. Either that, or he'll just want to have his fun for a while and this "for a while" could be months or years. Are you willing to wait? Are you willing to forgive after all what he has done?

What's the update? Are you doing alright?