Sink... I HAVE offered you advice and cheered you on several times, go back through and read your entire thread. Several of the VETS have also tried to help you to no avail.

The only reason I am addressing BestAdvisor is because she has stirred up so much trouble on OTHER threads and is considered a TROLL.

You've been warned so I won't post on your thread anymore. I wish you well.

sinkingin, keep up your good spirit and don't let anyone bring you down. That's the last thing you need now.

I don't need to look back to know that you have tried, and I do appreciate it, I was not trying to be disrespectful to you or anyone else here. Only still writing from time to time cause I have no where else to go. I'm not trying to waste any more of anyones time.

"Thank you,
you have daughters... how many."

I have three daughters.

"I have found out through these last months that what I am most upset about is just that."

Yes, I understand, betraying a spouse is one thing but how a WS can do this to their own children is mind-boggling to me! It helps to remember that it's like an addiction; and just like an addict the chemical high becomes more important than even their loved ones.

"The fact that I have boys, and you know how boys love their daddy's . I felt like I hadn't just lost my husband, but all of them too. They know this woman and really like her. I felt like she would work them over the way she has my H. I felt like they would always blame me.

I remember feeling this way too. It's very scary. At one point the OW wanted to meet my daughters and I was worried sick picturing my daughters, my WH, and the OW (and her little girl) all getting together and me being all alone.

There may be some times that one or more of your sons will seem to 'side' with your WH and the OW... and you may feel helpless to do anything about that.

But even if that happens the BEST ADVICE is for you to NOT in any way try to get your kids to take sides! The times I caved to the temptation to do that, even if it was just because I was defending myself against one of my daughters buying into my WH's lies, it DID NOT work in my favor at all!

Now what I (try to remember to) do is just state that I love their father, I tried to learn and do all I could to keep our marriage and family together, and then address whatever particular complaint they have without blaming thier father or making comparisons. What happens sometimes is the WP (Wayward Parent) will play Disney-parent with the kids out of guilt and/or not spending as much time with the kids anymore. Meanwhile the BP (Betrayed Parent) hears all the kids' complaints about anything that's changed because of the WP diverting money, time, and attention towards the OP.

When you're tempted to use your kids or get them to take sides, come here to vent instead.

"you are always quick to say what BA is saying wrong but never have any advice to offer for me."

Actually, we have been observing, and increasingly objecting to, Best Advisor trying to pass themself off to newcomers as a BEST ADVISOR, while giving very bad advice, for some time now.

"I realize that everyone on this website is trying to protect others from what they might feel is wrong advice and that is commendable and necessary,"

Unfortunately those who try to protect newcomers from the bad advice of trolls and/or advisors here that are giving bad advice while pretending to be the 'Best Advisors' are greatly outnumbered by the posters who either ignore the trolls or defend them. Not 'everyone' on this site is going to stick their neck out, risking criticism from their fellow posters, plus the wrath of the trolls, to warn newcomers.

"however, I am a real person with real feelings that I am laying on the line here."

Almost everyone here is or has experienced what you are going through and has empathy for your feelings. We are real people too and don't doubt that you are too (did somebody imply otherwise? I don't remember any suspicion expressed that you are a troll?) with busy lives we take time out of to try to help others save their marriages using MB principles and what we've learned from our own experiences.

"Even if people don't like to respond to me anymore, and think that I am a lost cause, many of them have made the same mistakes that I am making. I know that maybe I am a lost cause...I haven't done the things I need to do, but when I come here, sometimes I am looking just to vent, or for some compassion, or for the old 2X4."

In the month that you were away from this thread several people posted to you - not just Best Advisor. When you started posting again this morning most posters were probably at work.

BTW the popular troll tactic here lately is to pretend they are the only one helping newcomers... and IMHO THAT is what motivates them to suddenly post a LOT to a newcomer before the regular posters get a chance - not sincere concern for the newcomers. There is much that Best Advisor could do to be more helpful to newcomers, things she's already repeatedly been asked to do like change her deceptive posting name and learn more before advising. I don't see any evidence to date that she actually wants to become a better advisor in the MB principles.

I will not ever bring them into it. I hated that he knows anything. He still just has a vague idea, that goodness he didn't read a different page. Even though I hate this woman, I wouldn't influence their opinion over her either. I just know it is the wrong thing to do. Even though I know who is at fault here, I would never even influence their opinion about their father or help them assign blame. I just worry that they will want to leave me one day to be with him. I am jumping ahead so much not because of my feelings for our marriage so much as I don't think he is willing to or can give her up completely. He hasn't in all this time ever said he would. How much of a joke is that. That's why everyone here is trying to get me to fight, and I can't. Even though he tells me all the time he isn't going anywhere and that he loves me and he will never leave his family. He won't say that he will have no contact!

Hi Sinkingin,

I read another post where we were asked to come and help. I see you have been getting some advice. There's been disputes as to the intentions of some but so far, what has been posted these past few weeks, sound sane regardless of the other poster's povs on issues that don't relate to you, so learn to take the good and discard what is not helpful for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> That's my advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now as for your children being on your side.... I would say that's a good thing for the BS to do. Your children are not dumb nor ignorant. To attempt to shield them or keep them in the dark is not fair to you or them. They can be a part of your personal support group and you a part of theirs.

Your son was right to stand up and expose his father for associating with a stinky OW..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now let's get you on a recovery plan for you and your family 1st, ok? What have you read from here? SAA, HNHN? Do you have an MC familiar with MB principals?

If you could recap for me that would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
L.

Sounds like you are doing well. Don't worry about your sons liking the OW. That will disappear soon enough.

You HAVE told them that dad is having an affair, right?

I hate to ask this question, how are you sure that he was alone at this hotel? How often does he see her and how often do they get together?


You need to let him know how hurt you are by his actions.


What are your plans after the holidays if things don't change?

How original. I wonder ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Here we go again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Sinkingin, how are you doing?


BA

Best Angel?

Advisor1?

Hmmmmm.

BA = A1 = BA1. It's obvious I am not trying to hide or pretent to be somenoe else, can we just move on and focus on Sinkingin's post and not me?

No? you PRETENDED to be "schoolbus". Remember that?

I thought that action got you banned and blocked.

Internet cafes? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

committed

"I will not ever bring them into it. I hated that he knows anything. He still just has a vague idea, that goodness he didn't read a different page."

It is OK to tell them SOME things, depending on their age, and of course in response or explanation to questions they ask or changes imposed on them because of the adultery.

"Even though I hate this woman, I wouldn't influence their opinion over her either. I just know it is the wrong thing to do."

It is important for your children to understand that adultery is wrong, and therefore what adulterers DO is wrong and harmful to their families. Again, it's partly dependent on their age what you tell them. And although I don't think it's appropriate to try to get children 'on your side' I also don't see any logic or benefit to covering for the adulterers. Exposure will still need to be done, including telling the children something. Secrecy will only aid protect the adultery, increase the chances that the marriage/family will be destroyed, and therefore increase the odds that your children will be harmed by divorce! Maybe explain to your chidlrne that sometimes even people they love or like do bad things that hurt others. Even if you say nothing to your children they will find out some things and will be affected by the adulterers' decisions. It's not fair to your chidlren to leave them feeling that any hurt or anger they may feel is not appropriate or not to be discussed.

"Even though I know who is at fault here, I would never even influence their opinion about their father or help them assign blame."

There is no such thing as a no-fault divorce in the minds of the children. Obviously somebody IS to blame - the adulterers. It sounds as if your son is already old enough to understand that what is going on is inappropriate and he even realizes his dad has contact with the OW that is not really necessary.

"I just worry that they will want to leave me one day to be with him."

That may happen. I certainly understand THAT fear as do most who post here. However, trying to get your children 'on your side' on one extreme, or failgin to inform your children that adulery is wrong and that you will do what you can to fight for your marriage on the opposite extreme, are BOTH choices that could increase the odds that your children will side up with the adulterers and leave you to go live with them.

"I am jumping ahead so much not because of my feelings for our marriage so much as I don't think he is willing to or can give her up completely. He hasn't in all this time ever said he would. How much of a joke is that."

That's called cake-eating. Why would he give her up if you seem content to keep quiet and allow it to continue?

"That's why everyone here is trying to get me to fight, and I can't. Even though he tells me all the time he isn't going anywhere and that he loves me and he will never leave his family. He won't say that he will have no contact!"

Again, your fears, and your feeling he won't give her up if you make him choose, are what is enabling his cake-eating to continue.


Best Advisor (a.k.a. Best Angel, Schoolbus, and whatever other aliases you've employed here):

I KNOW I've tried telling you repeatedly that the way to get people to stop thinking you are a troll is to stop behaving like one. Changing posting names WITHOUT informing the other posters of who you were previously posting as, and/or because you have been kicked off the site, is trolling.

Also, you have been asked repeatedly to read for a while so you can understand MB methods and/or share with us what prior experience/knowledge you have about adultery recovery.

The troll accusations continue because you keep up the trolling behavior. Changing your posting naem doesn't fix the problem - it's one of the things the veteran posters here are trying to tell you to stop doing - part of the problem (especially when you tried to pass yourself off as Schoolbus).

You can change or you can keep up the trolling behavior - your choice

Sinkingin, please read the above statements again. I would also like to add that if you're not pressuring him to leave her, she can start pressuring him to leave you. Fear is not going to help you in situation like this.


Meremortal, thank you for posting on Sinkingin's post. I am keeping this screen name for good and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that BestAdvisor is the same person as BestAngel.

Calling yourself "best" anything around here is odd though BA...Clearly you are BEST at MODESTY too!

Mrs. W

"She was married, they are seperated now, that is when this all started, she was not someone who we knew before we moved here. He met her right after she and her husband were splitting up because of an affair she had."

If she is still married (even if she is 'separated') then you should expose to her husband that she and your husband have developed an EA.

Also, what about the guy she was cheating on her husband with? Is she still involved with him in any way? If so, expose the EA with your husband to him too!

The BEST way to protect your children from all this is to follow MB plans to hopefully end the EA ASAP, before it gets any worse, and to start doing what can be done to make your marriage more affair proof!

meremortal, I believe it has escalated to a PA and full blown affair long time ago. Sinkingin's H even do choires for the OW such as picking her kids up, etc.

GO AWAY "BestAngel" Troll