Sinkinin...

I lived EXACTLY what you are living for almost two years. I was angry, suspicious, depressed, and NOT CRAZY. I was being gaslighted. Have you looked that one up on google? It's a form of emotional abuse. Your H WANTS you to believe that this is your problem because then he can berate YOU for it.

You are NOT crazy. It is not right for a husband to do what yours is doing. You have every right to demand that it change. I know that it is scary. YOU have been passive about this for so long that I'm sure you feel that you cannot stand up for yourself.

Nobody can help you do that. You have to get mad enough to want it or you will continue to let him sh@t all over you. You are only a victim as long as you allow your H to treat you this way. If you want to change it then follow the steps.

The very first step you MUST take is to expose the affair to everyone that might be able to stop it. Expose to H's family and friends. Expose to OW's family and friends. Do it.

What have you got to lose? Your life sucks as it is right now, right? You feel angry and depressed. Your H isn't trying to make it better (really). If you do expose, you run the risk of actually ending the affair and getting your H back. And if that doesn't happen, what's the worst thing that might happen? He leaves you. And then, is that REALLY that bad?

I'm not saying that you don't want to recover your M. I think it is possible to recover and be happy. But sometimes it helps me to overcome my fears by looking at the worst-case scenario and recognizing that it isn't the end of the world.

Your situation really does sound very similar to my own. Even the time lines etc. I read an e-mail before things had gone too far in that EA part. I had way to much faith in his feelings for me and the commitment we had made, Or I would have taken it all much more seriously. Obviously until things are confirmed and have gone too far you don't find places like this website. I'm sorry you had to live through this! Are you in a better place now? I do beleive that it is possible. I am trying to get this to end. Now he told me she is having problems, has to have a surgery and may even being facing cancer...I told him it will always be another reason. That he has know about for a month and a half. I said this has been going on for 10 months and what was it before that and before that? He says he wishes she were his sister so he was still allowed to care. I explained that his sister doesn't want him to leave his family for her. I just keep trying to be his friend while still telling him he has to follow his heart and get the decision over with.

Sink,

Do you understand the MB program?

Right now you should be in the midst of Plan A. There are two components to that.
First: you should be meeting all of his emotional needs. It sounds like CONVERSATION is a big one between him and OW. How are the conversations he has with you? You need to demonstrate a willingness and ability to meet all of his needs (better than OW). He chose YOU to marry. How did that happen? How has your relationship changed since then?
You also have to eliminate LoveBusters....like angry outbursts or disrepectful judgements or relationship talks. They DRAIN his lovebank instead of filling it!
Second: Expose the affair to anyone who can influence him to do the right thing. Also expose OW. They need to feel the shame and consequences, so that their affair isn't this nice cozy secret! Right now you are actually ENABLING the affair to continue, because you are AFRAID for people to know.

While exposing, you continue to be positive, pleasant, and meeting his needs. Let his anger, gaslighting, and manipulating roll right off your back. Ignore his thrashing around - he's just trying to keep his addiction.

After a SHORT period of time...go to Plan B -- FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION. I can hear it in your posts that you are near the end of your endurance. This isn't good for ANY of you -- you, your husband, or your children. Its turning you into someone you are NOT. Do not allow that to happen. Protect yourself from this ongoing abuse!

Plan B is for your husband to have a taste of what the consequences of this affair might truly be -- loss of you and his intact family. He won't mourn it until he feels like he may truly lose it....

How are you doing this morning?

Are you mad enough yet to expose the A and quit letting his gaslight you? When you argue with him, you aren't getting anywhere. He will ALWAYS have an excuse for staying with her or a reason why you are unreasonable about the whole thing. Quit NEGOTIATING his contact with OW. That needs to stop. The way to stop it is to expose the A.

You can do it. It's scary, but it gets better.

HTM

I'm sitting here, trying to figure out my next step based on your comments. My problem with exposing is that I wanted to see what happens now that his mother and his friends know. I know I shouldn't care about her at all, but if all of this medical stuff is true she hardly needs more on top of that. Remember it is a pretty small town and everyone who I know probably at least knows who she is. I am not saying I won't do it, I am pretty much there.
After our conversation last night, I guess I was glad he opened up, but I don't want to get any more pulled in to this other life. I guess I should just let him know that I no longer want to discuss anything that is happening with her with him? Just let him know either he stops talking to her or we go on with our other plans. I had suggested this weekend that I would maybe rent a house in a closeby neighborhood. I told him I would have to speak to a lawyer first to make sure that that wouldn't be abandonment and would be a favor to him vs. me "leaving" him. Let me explain. He has no where to go here. Where he would end up, I'm not sure I want my kids to go. I would rather go to a different location about a mile away so that I can make them comfortable there, and then they would be able to be back home when they are with him. It has a finished basement and if need be my mom would be willing to move in the basement to help out. (She's been having some $ problems anyway.) They would love it because we live on a few acres and they would then be in a neighborhood with all their best friends. I think he is really depressed and I would hate to see what happens if he loses his family and his home at the same time. He loves this place.

I think the night before last we were both ready...he even packed a bag, but then said he had no where to go. Then he opened up to me later that night. He said when we were talking that he knows that he can't live without me...That he wouldn't even make it a month. I didn't really know what to say....I didn't want to show I was scared or beg him to stay, so I just said you would be fine...he judt said...no I wouldn't and I know that.

and your absolutly right I talk about it too much...trying to convince him maybe...cause today we were IM ing while he was at work and I told him I thought we should go talk to someone...he still has always turned that down. I feel like if I let it go then I am letting it happen. (I know I'm letting it happen)

You're still protecting him from his fall.
Why?

You're even trying to manage his downfall and make it nice and cushy for him.

Do you see this?

Tearing apart a family for another woman is SUPPOSED to be messy, horrible, painful, and ugly.

That is what he is choosing.

Instead of prettying it up for him, YOUR job is to make it the worst possible choice he can make.

Lexxxy's right.

Plan A is that YOU are the great option, the OW is the awful option.

You are still taking the blame for what your H has CHOSEN to do. Nobody forced him to have an affair. He is feeling the consequences of his actions...you are not inflicting those consequences. You are not punishing him. And you should be the last person to save him from those consequences. If you save him, you are enabling him...you are allowing yourself to be a victim.

Your H is manipulating you with his words. And he's really good at it. He tells you that he cannot live without you because he knows you want him to need you. He says he has nowhere to go because he knows you won't make him leave if you think he's homeless. The fact is, he is a grown man. He can take care of himself. He is just pushing your buttons, whichever ones he needs to at the moment, to get you to let him keep cake-eating.

One moment he will manipulate with the sob story, the next he will blame-shift and tell you it is YOUR problem and you need to get over it. He may even start to threaten you with what he will do if you leave. But whatever he says he is GASLIGHTING you! It is a form of manipulation and it is cruel.

Until you close your ears and just formulate a plan and stick to it, he will continue to manipulate you for his benefit.

You exposed to HIS family? You need to expose to EVERYONE. Make it public knowledge that your H is having an affair with OW. Let everyone know that you are committed to saving your marriage and that you would appreciate any help. Being in a small town will work to your advantage, because EVERYONE will know almost instantaneously. But be prepared for H to be very upset.

Oh, and HE needs to move out. You can file for sole custody if you are that worried about the conditions he may live in. I hate to say it, but if he cannot figure out how to support himself, then is he really something you are better off with or without?

you know what...I can hear you guys in my head!!! I was going to the gym tonight and thinking about what I had written and I knew I was making it easy for him...like I have our whole marriage! He is a survivor though he will do anything it takes to make his boys comfortable. I know that...I just want to do my part.

Ah ha moment....That's what I do...I won't anymore!

Ah ha moment...I think that if I wasn't yelling at him all the time I thought I wasn't doing this. But in my own calm way, I was still always bringing it up. I will make him sorry that I am or was the better choice.

The sad part is I am prepared for the worst and still not acting...I know everyone will say that I am just protecting myself from the embarrasment, but I really think if my kids weren't involved I wouldn't care. I'm so concerned about what kids will say etc. My oldest is at a very bad age for this. Kids can be mean. He and her son have the same group of friends. I guess I need to have a little more faith in his friends...they are good boys!

Sink;

You need to be a warrior for your family.

Your husband is under the influence of an addiction and cannot think clearly.

YOU have to be the one to save this family. And to do so, you're going to have to do some things that don't make sense to you.

Your kids need the truth. No matter how careful you are about your "talks" they are bound to have heard things. Or just noticed that you're unhappy. Or noticed that Dad isn't right.

Shielding them from the truth is only going to confuse them.
They will jump to conclusions...make things up to fill in the gaps.

This is your moment to teach them what is RIGHT.
"son, your daddy has a girlfriend, and that is not the right thing to do when you are married. I want to keep our family together."

By condoning/enabling etc. you are subtly teaching your boys that this is the NORMAL way husbands treat their wives.
Stand up and tell them this is wrong.

Sink; you seem to think that something you SAY will give your husband an AHA moment. That is NOT going to happen. NOTHING you say is getting through. He is only interested in keeping the status quo (meaning a wife AND a girlfriend). So save your breath, and just start SHOWING him how good your marriage can be.

Step One: Be the best wife. Plan A your husband.
Step Two: Expose to everyone. All at once. Be prepared for this step, because it will bring on a tsunami of anger. He will spew venom like you have never heard. You must ignore it all and just keep saying "I want to save our marriage, there is a way for us to be happier than ever before."

I know you hit the nail on the head...I just keep waiting for my old level headed responsible husband to finally "get it". I have to open my eyes that it just isn't going to happen.

That guy's LONG gone never to return. Harsh? Yes. But it's true. Even if you guys recover your marriage, you'll both be different people, but hopefully better.

The longer you stall on taking action, the longer this is going to go on. It WILL get worse. It MAY pass the point of no return. Remember the old story about the boiling water and the frog? The heat is getting hotter and you're not feeling it.

This is what I want to say to him...If you are still talking to her, you are still saying I love you, (no doubt) Then you need to go. We need to seperate. She is starting to move her way into our lives and I won't allow that to happen.

I will be saying goodbye to my best friend for the last 20 years. But I think he has a new best friend, and I just need to get on with my life. He will never say goodbye, until he knows I am serious.

Sink;

No.

That is NOT what you need to do.

For the next month, you need to demonstrate your changes. That you are the woman that can meet ALL of his needs. You can right?

One month.

You need to identify which needs you were lacking in meeting. What is he getting from OW....that you can do better?

Start today.

On August 15th, you can give him your Plan B letter and tell him he has to leave. But you cannot do that until you have SHOWN him that the marriage is a great place to be.

You have been lovebusting him like crazy and you need to REPAIR that before you do anything else. His last memories of you before you go dark should be GREAT...not bitching and complaining and begging and nagging.

Lexxxy,
Clarification for me...I didn't do a Plan A because I didn't know about MB when the A was going on. I thought that Plan A entails being an awesome spouse and meeting all the ENs (the carrot) and requiring no contact (the stick). Did I misunderstand that? I ask, because Sink may also misunderstand.

Sink,
I agree that showing your H the kind of W you can be is important. I think a month is very reasonable. Don't tell him you're giving him a month. Be a GREAT wife. No more LBs. Lots and lots of good stuff. He may wake up and realize that you are where it's at. You know the saying "actions speak louder than words" fits here.

If not, you follow with Plan B. It's not a negotiation...it is a statement of fact. You don't discuss it with him. You just give him the letter and let your actions speak.

o.k. August 15th I will try very hard to not even bring it up.