Aloha Mishes,

Wow.....that's news! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The WS needs to face his children and answer their questions. He needs to 'earn' back his right to be in your family. He needs to do this with each family member (you included).

You have read, SAA & HNHN, right? Taken the EN questionnaire?

If so, then call Steve for a recovery plan.

I do have a question why he has to wait and stay with the OW. Since when are tantrums a good thing? Me thinks, he is babbling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

I don't really see why this should be so difficult. He has his own apartment, right? He needs to let the OW know that he is moving back with you. Ask him to write her a no contact letter, and there will be your answer. If he refuses, doesn't want to hurt her feelings, or thinks it is too quick, too cold, or there is no point, you know that he is NOT ready to do the hard work of recovery.

I guess my big question is do I let him come home when the kids want me to wait? To begin the recovery it is best if he is home..in the house correct?

Mish

Mishes,

What are your conditions for recovery?

N/C letter is of the utmost importance. Changing cell numbers, being completely transparent NOW with all passwords, accounts, phones, etc. No EXCUSES acceptable.

I agree with Orchid, that he needs to face his kids, answer their questions, be held accountable for his actions.

If he is unwilling to do all of the above (and even more) then you are in for either a false recovery OR a much longer uphill battle FOR recovery. I'm somewhere in the middle, even with my conditions having been met; I should have raised the bar a bit more. If MC is what you need, then ask for that. If MB is what you need, ask for that. Don't ask for LESS than what you need.


If he is willing to fulfill ALL of your conditions, and AFTER the NC letter is sent (you read it and send it), I would have him move home. You cannot begin the work of recovery apart. It won't work.

In the end, the decision is yours, not your childrens'.

Thanks silenlucidity....

What is it about this nc letter that I seem to have such a hard time with...you are right! It really is the only way I will know it is over this time for good!

This is difficult but you know I really am prepared this time for the fall...if it occours. I have made up my mind if this ends up being another cake walk, or b- I will be done! I have said this a million times I know but mentally I really am prepared...I think he knows this. I dont use it to threaten him or push him....what happens now is up to him...I really can go either way at this point. I have been seing a therapist for six weeks or so and it has helped a lot.

I am going to look up and pring that nc letter right now..I will let you kow what happens.

Mish

Honestly, I wouldn't think too much about making any decisions on your M if your WH doesn't do the NC letter. I would just go back to Plan B, a really nice dark one this time. Always be absolutely sure when/if filing for D. You MUST be completely DONE to do this, as it is a HUGE step.

Mishes,

I saw your post asking for my link, and I saw that Silentlucidity provided it.

I read your post this morning and thought about posting to you. I am glad you will be reading my thread. I think there is much there that may help you--not because of me but because of all the excellent guidance I received...and of course, the obvious efforts of my remorseful husband.

You will find in my thread our false recovery. Notice the difference between H's actions and attitudes then compared to now. It is awesome.

Hang in there. I do agree with others that you probably need Plan B at this point. H told me it was the fact that I was NOT giving him a "friendly" divorce that made a big difference. I wanted him to have a taste of what divorce would be like. It wasn't going to be sweet; we weren't going to be co-parenting; he wasn't going to hang out at my house; he wasn't going to be a part of my life AT ALL, except when ABSOLUTELY necessary for dealing with the kids. He can't be my H and be with OW...ain't happening!

When I read your post, the one thing I wanted to say was to make a list of what you need H to do to PROVE he is the real deal. This list should be full of actions that you KNOW he would never do if he wasn't totally broken. For me, that list included post-nup, polygraph, NC letter, cell phone # change, access to ALL records, and lots more. You'll find it all in my thread.

Don't want this so badly that you'll settle for false recovery. You'll be OK with or without him. Convince him of that. Convince him that you can be totally without him and be fine.

Make your list. Give it to him. Watch his reaction...is he all in? If not, Plan B...for your own protection.

Once I knew H was ALL IN...no matter what I asked of him...I felt H needed to come home. We went away for a week alone. Then he moved home immediately. It was the best decision for both of us.

But I would NOT consider it AT ALL until you are SURE he is broken and will do whatever it takes to recover.

Bump...just checking on you. Are you doing OK?

Mishes....how are you?

SMB, she works graveyard RN hours so she does not always have time to post during the day. Glad you are willing to check in with her as I'm sure she can identify with your sitch alot.

Thanks,
Ace

SMB,

I am doing well so far. I do work Thur, Fri, and Saturdays but I have started reading your post and am now on page five. I thought I would read a little this morning before going to bed.

So far, I can relate to just about everything you have posted. I have not gotten to the false recovery yet..hope to today.

I am cautiously optomistic about our recovery. I do have more faith in him this time around because he has finally spoken to his parents and let them know of his plans to come home. It's not just that..there is a difference. I dont know though he still seems like he is holding back, still a little stand offish. I relate some of this to him being tired...I think he is physically and emotionally exhausted...as I am. I find it hard to believe he is fooling me again but I could be wrong. I pray not.

The kids are ok now and know what we plan to do. My son said that it is between ws and me...my daughter is starting to ask when I think he will actually come home (move in).

I am in a much stronger place now than I was even three monthes ago...which ever way it goes I will survive. I love my husband, my family and there is nothing more that I would like to have than my family all together again. I have said to myself though that this is the final quarter of this "ball game." I have not told my ws this because I do not want to sound like I am threatening him or force him to come back home but this really is it. It will be a year next sunday that he confessed to me...the absolute worst day of my life..a part ofme was taken that day that will never be back...I will not spend another year on this. I should know something by the end ofthe weekend..until then I am going to read your post.

Mish

I'm glad you posted mishes. Keep looking for the right signs, the actions. Sleep well.

Hey Ace,

I'm just doing what you did for me...bumping, checking in.

It meant a lot to me.


Mish,

Keep posting when you can. I hope you can get through my thread before you decide how to proceed with WS. H's actions & attitudes in false recovery compared to where he is today are drastically different. It may give you some insight.

Just bumping you. Post when you can. I continue to pray for you.

Happy Thanksgiving To All!

Ok, here is my pdate. My husband is back home! I know I sound excited, I really am but trust me I am still very much cautiously optomistic..cautiously being the key word.

He was home when I came home from work Saturday morning. I came in and really he was just going to spend the day with our daughter while I slept, but I ended up getting called out of work Saturday night and he stayed...no hanky panky. I told him I really was not ready for that and that when and if it occoured I wanted more than just a roll in the hay. One of the things he told the counslor when we were going is that he would like to be able to make love to his wife vs just having sex. Any hom moving on, he understood and was ok with that, we got up Sunday morning and I sugguested we go target practice..I knew it was something he would enjoy and we could take our daughter. So that is what we did and then came back to the house and I made a nice dinner. While the kids were out I said to him...just so we are on the same page with the kids are you staying or leaving? Before I could say another word he said he would like to stay if I would let him. I said that I would like that but that this time there could be no bs because the kids really di not trust him to stay and were upset..he acted like he did not understand at first. I said the kids had watched me go through all of this and no longer wanted to see their mother get hurt...and that I did not want them hurt again. He assured me that he was home to stay. We talked about the no contact letter, he wrote it, signed it, and I mailed it Monday morning.

So this is a good start, and again I am cautiously optomistic. Things are going well. I am putting lots into his love bank and seem to be getting some from him as well. He has never been a "romantic" kind of guy but he did sa that he thanked God everyday that I waited on him and did not give up hope, he also said "you are a phenominal woman and I am so glad I am home."

I expect he will go through some sort of withdrawal still, although I am hopeing not as bad this time. One thing I have noticed is his cell phone is not glued to him like it was before..he leaves it where ever...this is good except the untrusting not sure cautiously optomistic in me says he could be contacting her another way, like when I am gone or he is at work. I really dont think so but the ole saying never say never is tatooed on my brain....

Emotionally I think I am doing ok. There have been a few triggors but I am getting through them. No it will never be the same, and yes it can be better but it still seeems kind of awkward at times.I cant quite put my thumb on it so have kind of chalked it up to this is normal right now...him coming home does not mean there will not be issues what it means to me is that we are committed to seeing this through and building on the stregnths that we do have as a couple and as a family. So what now? I guess I worry about a couple of things..one being I know he loves me but how do I go about making him be or fall "in love" with me? He says that he is but I can tell he is not where I think he should be with those feelings. I love him but am not totally "in love" with him either at this point. I can see and feel myself getting close or "sucked up" into those blissful moments/feelings but I hold back...I am scared. I dont want to get or have those feelings until I know he is truly
committed to us. In my heart...or gut I feel like he is serious this time but I am still scared. What I really want is for him to smother me with love, protection and assurance that it is ME that he loves..but this takes time right? I would love it if he would bring me a rose, say the words to put my mind at ease....are there any such words..not really. From all I have read there are no words there are actions!

So where do I go from here?Dont get me wrong I do feel good about him being home, like I said I cant put my thumb on it. I think it must just be my adjustment phase.???

Mish

Oh Mish! That's wonderful news. Don't expect miracles. Recovery is VERY hard and takes a lot of time and work. In fact, you'll probably be leading the recovery for the first few months.

I didn't find MB until my FWH were well into recovery so I really can't advise you on the specifics about what you need to do now but I'm sure others who did do things the MB way will be along shortly to offer suggestions.

I guess the only thing I wanted to say is that the healing is gradual, not instantaneous, so don't expect a whole lot from your husband at first.

(((Mishes)))

I have to go to work, Mishes, but I had to tell you I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I will pray harder for your recovery than I have the past few months when I was bumping your thread with Orchid.

Ace

Mishes,

Good to hear from you. You guys have taken the first step; the NC letter, and that is great! Next step is to talk about how you are EACH going to protect the M. What will he do if OW attempts to contact him? Where are the holes in transparency? What can you two do to feel safe with eachother, so that you CAN give to your hearts content, without worrying about when the other shoe will drop.

Talk about these things as soon as you can. Get a plan for this initial part of recovery.

Get all account information (emails, banks, phones, etc. all passwords). Do this now. My FWH has all my info and I have all of his.

Can you call up and make an appointment with the Harleys? If so, do it NOW, let them guide you in a plan. I have been counseling with Jennifer (my FWH is not interested).

Recovery takes work, and not passive work, but active work. Learn about what happened before the A's, how things started to turn.

If I had a FWH who was willing to counsel the MB way, then I would jump on that PRONTO!!!

Hi Mishes.....Have you finished reading about SMB and tst? He sounds like the real deal in his remorse and repentence. Does your WH make similar actions on his own...without you prompting or asking him?

Like SL suggests, keep going to your IC or MC plus phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer would be good, too.

Cautious optimism is a good start for your attitude. Glad you WH was willing to write and send the NC letter. When your rollercoaster dips, vent here to keep from love busting. You can do this, Mishes.....and we're all here for you.

Make your plan and work it. You've been given good advice and you will be amazed that your WH could one day become the man of your dreams. You M could actually become better than before. (Did you see the poem I wrote about it? It's called "Beyond THE BEFORE" on GQII.)

Keep posting when you can, Mishes. Any chance of your going on the day shift?

Ace

That's great mishes! I wish you both the best!

As to "where do we go from here?" I don't know the right answer, I can just tell you what my W and I have done and are doing. We've pretty much adopted MB as the new religion around here. We started reading After the Affair, How Can I Forgive You, and Surviving An Affair. How Can I Forgive You was really good as it helped me get myself in a good place and it has a section for the WS that gives them alot of insight into what they can do to help you and what you're going through.

We filled out the EN's surveys and talked about them together, we reviewed Harley's Basic Concepts and talked about each one and how to apply them. We just recently filled out the LoveBusters surveys and talked about them.

At first, I really felt like my W was not really working at things, was just kinda being drug along by me. That has changed completely though, she is now actively involved in our recovery and we both in many ways enjoy it.

I think the initial urge for me was to try to push all this very quickly, which was unrealistic and not possible. Try to pace yourself. My W was very much available to me and tried to answer all my questions. There were times where I was pretty unbearable but she weathered it. Be ready for the emotional rollercoaster you're going to experience. Reading those books will help you and it will help your H to know that what you're going through is normal and hopefully allow him to prepare and react as well.

Now, a few months down the road, we have a rough outline for how we want to proceed. We're going to read His Needs Her Needs and we try to have a "relationship talk" about once a week. I no longer have an urgent need to talk about things, but I still have triggers, just had a big one recently but I dealt with it better than previously. Small steps you know?

We went through a "honeymoon" period that is really in some ways still ongoing. We took some time away and really started to reconnect. If you can do this I think it was very helpful to us.

Good work, and good luck!