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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
Yes, it is most likely a lie to divert you from causing their affair any further conflict.
He's not done with her. He met with her and hid it from you, then told you a lie to get away with it.
Is he groveling? Begging for another chance? Apologizing for breaking your agreement? Is he doing ANY of those things?
Stop looking for reasons to believe in him! That is doing the most damage to you right now. You're trying to find a way to trust and believe his lies.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
I left a message for her husband and informed him of their meeting. I did not recieve a call back from him. Is Plan B a good idea if OW is out of the picture, should I still talk to him and be nice etc, or will he just think I'm a **** because I won't take his calls?
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
You are trying to convince yourself that OW is out of the picture despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
You need to take that out of your equation. OW IS IN THE PICTURE.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
I know he isn't done with her but could she be done with him? I mean if I were with someone then they told me the were moving back home then called me to say he was going to move out maybe she is sick of the games. Do waywards need time alone even if the oW leaves them? Or would he be telling he was sorry, etc. By the way this morning he said It's not fair to you to live like you have been. I know you've been giving 110% and I have been cold to you. I'm not going to be with her anymore she's done with me.
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
He needs to be DONE with her. He met her. That means he is NOT done. He was willing to toss his family just to meet her.
Continue to work on exposing the affair.
Don't listen to what hubby says. Look for actions - genuine regret, going to counseling, calling the Harley's, working on the marriage, being an open book, writing a no contact letter.
Talk is cheap and your husband sounds like a good talker.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
He hasn't done any of those things. I guess I'm just confused. Why move back home tell me he thought it was the right thing to do, discuss plans about moving out of state and then do this!!
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Posts: 27,069 |
Because he is like an addict. Why do heroin addicts flush their lives and families to shoot up?
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
He's trying to placate you. Tell you what you want to hear so that he can continue having 2 women meeting his needs.
He doesn't want to lose you or the family.
He still wants her too.
When you busted him meeting her....was he SORRY? was he BEGGING for another chance? Or did he try to make YOU feel wrong for not trusting him?
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
Is he fence sitting or cake eating? Do you really think he doesn't want to lose me/us? Do most affairs happen like this? I was assuming that he thinks he tried while he was at home and that we couldn't make it. Why does he say I derserve better than this, and derserve to be happy. It sounds so final like he's made up his mind he will never have feelings for me again.
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
If he thought you deserved better, he would have made an effort to go to counseling and work on the marriage. What he means is that he would like more time to continue his affair while you wait on the sidelines. He wants to firm up the relationship with the other woman before he makes any decision.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
I guess I am assuming he doesn't want me and her if he moved away from me to be with her. He knows i said I will not have any contact with him if he moves out, how is that getting his needs met by me and her? Maybe this is one of those affairs that the OM and OW live happily ever after. BY being in Plan B I can't meet his needs.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
What does firm up the affair with the OW mean? If it doesn't work for them then he can come back to me? That doesn't sound like someone to fight for
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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He is like an addict and wants to keep his drug supply flowing. He isn't thinking about you and the children. He is thinking about getting his next fix.
How long did you do Plan B before?
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
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"you deserve better"
Translation: I am leaving the family for YOU. Because you deserve better. So instead of BEING A BETTER man, I will be the martyr and sacrifice myself for YOU, because then you will feel equally responsible for the end of the family.
So if he truly believes that you deserve better. Why can't he BE BETTER?
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
I think you need to try to save the marriage. That way you will not have to look back with regrets. Your husband is acting like every other WS here. It is just the nature of the beast.
How long did you do Plan B before?
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
Plan B was only a couple of days. My little one got sick and I took the call. I always read you only have 1 chance to do a great Plan B. I thought that I had messed it up. Those few days though my husband called multiple times for silly reasons. You know at times I feel really strong and think to myself "he isn't going anywhere, if he really wanted to leave he would have already" then I don't know.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
Plan B was a few days. Son got sick and I took the call. Thought I messed it up by doing that. WH tried to talk to me many times during those few days though.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
Just got off the phone with OW. She was upset and crying. Said she was done with this whole thing and she needed to start thinking about herself. Needed to free herself from all of this. I explained to her some of the things my husband said so she would understand that he is lieing to her as well as me.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Just got off the phone with OW. She was upset and crying. Said she was done with this whole thing and she needed to start thinking about herself. Needed to free herself from all of this. I explained to her some of the things my husband said so she would understand that he is lieing to her as well as me. Did she admit they were still in contact?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 374 |
She confirmed his story about meeting Monday to go over comission check. Husband states she said she wants nothing more to do with him. She said husband told her he was moving out and wanted to let her know in case I went crazy and called her employer or something. He just wanted to give her a heads up. OW said she did not want to go and told my husband that she wanted to call me first so I knew what was going on. No one called me. Not sure if they are collaborating on this so I don't get in touch with her employer so they can keep this going or if she was sincere about having enough. She said she was very misled by him and he told her that our marriage was over. I told her many things that have happened over the past year.
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