WH moved home and has been home for about 4 months. He was still distant and guarded but I thought it was perhaps withdrawal. Well, I decided to put my fears to rest and do a little searching. Last night I found out he was with the OW. When I confronted him he said he was squaring away some back pay issues. Anyway, I asked him to leave our home that there wasn't room for three of us in this marriage. Do I do the right thing? Is it time to go dark?

What were your boundries for him moving home?
Did he promise NEVER to have contact with OW again?

What was his price of admission home?

I said that there would be N/C w/OW. He came home but not fully engaged with our relationship. He worked w/OW and had to have some contact but now has a new job. Those were my requirements N/C and get a new job.

Then he's back out.

You need to enforce your boundries.

Obviously he met with OW without your knowledge, and intended to keep their meeting from you. That is NOT the behaviour of a remorseful man. And his excuse is weak. He is either partners WITH you protecting your marriage from outside sources -- or he is against your marriage.

And his actions show he is not ready for recovery.

You did the RIGHT THING! Lexxy is exactly right on all points.

I agree. What should be my next step? I asked him to leave because he broke the N/C. I asked him to leave tonight and move everything else out this weekend. This time I said everything that belongs to you tools, etc. Anything that you don't take I will take to salvation army. Last time he moved out he left just about everything he owns but some clothes. He always came back to see us (getting his family fix) and then gave excuses as to why he can't move back home. When I finally thought I might move on 1 year after d day he decided to move back home. Seemed geniune and agreed to the terms. He knew another man was interested in me and I think that made him uncomfortable. I almost think that was the reason he came home. Anyway, Plan B now?

Do you have a PLAN B letter?

After he gets all his stuff loaded up this weekend, I would hand him the Plan B letter and then go dark as night.

I gave him a Plan B letter long time ago. I don't know if I should even bother. He understands that he has to have N/C. He knows I forgave him. It's like he never lost me. I always told him I loved him, I wanted our marriage to work etc. I think he knew on some level he could come back whenever he wanted. I don't think he felt a loss for me. I told him to contact my father with anything he needed to comunicate with me. That speaking and seeing him was too hurtful. Can't I just leave it at that and let him fear really losing me this time. I mean crazy as it sounds I still want my marriage to work. Is it hopless now that this happened or is it just part of the script?

It is not hopeless. Just hand him the letter AGAIN. Next time, we can help you be more careful before you let him back.

Husband just left our house. We had to tell the kids again. We did have a few words before he left but ended it with him crying. I told himm that I never wanted this to happen and I wish he had the strenght to end the affair. He stated again that he only met her to resolve the commission check. That he wasn't "with" her. I said you broke our deal that there would be no more contact and I'm not going to be in a marriage of three. Time to go dark I guess. I told him to contact my father with any info etc and we would communicate through him if necessary.

I am so sorry, Ani, but you did the right thing. You absolutely cannot waver on that boundary after all this time. You did very good. I am so very sorry for you and your kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good job. You saved yourself a lot of problems in the future. If you had let this one slide, next time he would have had ANOTHER excuse - that is if you had caught him. Plus, in the meantime you would always be feeling unsafe.

Thanks for all your encouraging words. I'm feeling a bit relieved for getting through this. WH keeps telling me that OW has nothing to do with this, that's it's between us.

It makes me so mad to hear him say that. It feels like he is trying to protect her. Anyway, I left a message with OW employer to find out where I can send a formal letter explaining the affair. I am waiting for a return call but need some help composing one. I finally had the courage to expose to her employer. She has no problem hurting and enterfering in my family so I decided what do I have to lose.

Good idea to send a letter to the OW employer. If the OW is nothing more than a friend, then it should be no problem to ditch her, no?

Here is a good letter developed by BritsBrat, a corporate atty:

In my capacity with a very large company, I see these types of situations 2-3 times a year. Disappointingly, Companys usually will not act strictly on the extramarital affair. Intead, you have to give them something that is near and dear to their hearts - their pocketbooks and the potential for lawsuits. If anything is going to get a reaction out of this Company, you need to send your letter to the CEO with copies to the head of HR, head of Legal and both of their supervisors. The letter should read something along the lines of:

Dear Mr./Ms. CEO,

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

John Smith and Susie Doe are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. Mr. Smith and Ms. Doe are using Company time and company resources to further their affair. Attached is one example of countless e-mails exchanged between them during the workday. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship. (If they have traveled together on Company business, you would insert that here).

If you have any questions, please call me at 555-555-5555. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Brits Brat

I'm still fairly hopeful for your situation. Your husband quit his job. He also seems to be willing to move out. Often they feel so entitled that they refuse to move.

Hang in there. False recoveries are not unusual.

I don't feel hopeful at all. Do you think he made up the story about her having nothing to do with him, so that i might not go to her employer? Or, if she doesn't want to be involved with him why would he still stay moved out and not try to work things out with us? Do I still give him a Plan b letter when he gets the rest of his things Saturday? Or do I not Plan B him because she is supposedly not in the picture anymore.
By the way I just got a return call the the executive managing director at OW place of employment and he will be looking into this with the HR director. Said he will be back in touch with me.

She IS still in the picture. Give him the Plan B letter. He is addicted like a drug addict. False recoveries are common. But the problem is that YOU may lose your love for him if he keeps it up. So you need to protect yourself by going into Plan B.

Oh, and be sure to let her hubby know that they are in contact again and your husband has left his family.

Do you think the story about her not wanting to have anything to do with him is a lie? To protect her from me going to her boss? If she is done with him then why wouldn't he want to move back home?