Oh, what about picking the kids up afterschool. Do I continue or let him fend for himself on his days to have the kids. Remember I only work part time so I can pick them up everyday, but one. Do I continue so that I don't disrupt their schedule? Or let hubby try to figure out how to get them on time?

I would try not to disrupt their schedule. You don't need to make it hard on hubby, just don't give him an Ani fix. So everything you do should revolve around that goal.

In the meantime, work on having a happy, pleasant home, look GOOD, and don't give your kids too much info. That way they won't have anything to pass on.

Any last minute advice before I go into dark Plan B. I feel like I've been in it for the past two days. There has been no communication. I'm feeling very sad right now as WH will be coming over this morning and moving his things out. I do not plan on being here, but will be for the brief exchange. He will no in the next cuople of days I'm sure that I told OW employer. That will probably do it for him and he will want to get a D. Somebody tell me that PLan B usually brings home the WS. If I have that little hope I think I can be stronger during it.

It's hard to believe, but often Plan A doesn't bring them home. That was a surprise to me even though I've been reading and posting here for quite some time. The problem is that often the WS would prefer to have the affair partner AND the spouse.

Most affair partners will continue being a third wheel for a long time. All that does is enable the continuation of the affair. It is when the WS is forced to make a choice that the marriage can recover.

When a Plan B is started, the affair partner must start meeting all of the emotional needs.

I give your husband more credit than the average WH because he has continued having a good relationship with his children. Often men go for weeks without contacting their kids.

I'm very hopeful in your situation, especially if the other woman has had a wake up call. And you have done all the right things.

It is always hard when they are moving out, so it is better that you are NOT there if it is at all possible.

Do you have your Plan B letter ready? Are you going to post it?

Ani,
I want to point out to you my sig, I never set boundries with his first A, then came the second A, I set boundries but we never discussed the A's and I never recovered, but also never knew the truth about the 2nd A, never was quit sure, but over the years things were said to make me think there was a 2nd one, 17 yrs later, after kids were grown, I asked for the truth about everything, H could not do it, I moved out for 6 months, not a game, I was going to D H, H worked hard, and now I have moved back home.
The point of my story? Do this right, do the right thing now, if you don't it will come back to bite you, I promise you that, listen to everyone here. No one will steer you wrong. If you do the right things to protect yourself, meaning you should not and will not be his doormat and the two of you D, then H was not the man he needed to be.
If H is remorseful and H comes back and the two of you work on the M then you can at least recover now and not 20 yrs from now.
Light him up now.

This is my first real day in Plan B. Yesterday when WH moved out we spoke a bit about the situation. He said it's not fair to me that he doesn't know what's wrong with him. That he loves me and always will. He also said if you are going to move on just be careful that guys can be real jerks, and he knows I wouldn't do anything stupid, and he knows I'm not like that. What does all that mean? He said he probably is going through withdrawal. Still says the OW is out of the picture, that she's done.

Ignore what he says. He is trying to make himself feel better about his awful behavior. HE'S warning you that "guys can be real jerks"? LOL, right from the horse's mouth!!!!

Stay very dark. I'm hoping the affair is over, but he will still try to light it up again now that he thinks he has YOU out of the picture.

Start working on a good life for yourself. And remember, everytime you allow contact, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

Ani, the most important thing will be to go COMPLETELY DARK. Line up an intermediary so that you NEVER have to speak to him. You should go completely DARK. These Plan B's where there is "contact for the kids" are a DISASTER that always lead to a complete collapse of Plan B, undermine your credibility and completely DEFEAT THE PURPOSE of Plan B. Contact should only be in the case of a DIRE EMERGENCY.

If he goes to your children's games, then you should NOT GO or negotiate an agreement where you go to some and he goes to some.

So, set up your intermediary in advance, make up a visitation schedule that can be emailed to him via your intermediary and get all your ducks in a row BEFORE you go dark. Get this all done before you give him the Plan B letter.

I would also have a plan in place for when he tries to BREAK your Plan B. He will try to call, come in the house, etc. You have to be prepared with a plan of action to prevent his getting through. He will NOT LIKE losing control of you.

Did you give him the letter? Does he understand he is not to come in the house? Have you changed the locks?

I asked him not to come into the house to drop the kids out front. That it's too difficult to see him now. I did not change the locks. He does not like me asking him not to come in. He says it's his house too. I don't know how else to enforce that. I told him to contact my dather for anything he needs to let me know.

Would it be OK to go to the games and sit so on the opposite side of the field. I don't want the kids to think I don't care to watch them.

Ani, did you give him the letter? All of this information should be in the letter, ie: asking him to not come in the house, to direct any communication to your father, etc. And then if he does come in the house, you would change the locks. Typically, a WS will try to break your Plan B by coming into the house and talking to you. He should be prevented from doing this, even if you have to get a LSA.

the letter, ANI???? Did you give him a letter outlining your Plan B??

I will give him the letter today. I wasn't going to give it to him because I thought it would just reassure him that he could come back home if he wished. I know that it will outline the conditions for his return but he will know that if he follows the conditions he will be able to return. I just want him to sit a while and really wonder if he really messed up this time. Let him lose some sleep at night wondering if I'm truely done. I told him yesterday I wish things were different. I told him I wish he could get over the addiction to his affair. That I loved him but was not going to be in a marriage with three. Is that not enough.

Can you post your letter here? We can help.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. My ex had the nerve to have a 4 year long affair, completely abandoning me, and then he expected to come home, and acted surprised that I didn't want him back AT ALL.

He acted liked he was SHOCKED and remarked about the Plan B letter where I said I would be open to reconciliation when the affair ended.

I tried to copy/paste the letter for you guys to look at. It's not working for some reason. Anyway, I used one from MB as a guide so I think it's good. I explained the conditions for me to consider reconciliation. Advised not to come into the house, and to use my father as the intermediary.

Well, yes. Isn't that the TRUTH? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Am I missing something here? I thought you wanted this marriage to work out? What am I missing here?

Even so, nowhere does it say he is entitled to return, it only says if he meets certain conditions then you can DISCUSS reconciliation. There is no reconciliation entitlement. And don't you want him back if he is able to meet certain conditions? Then why wouldn't you want to make sure that message is CLEAR?

If that message is not clear, it only sends the message that you are slamming the door and punishing him. Which signals that he should move on and pursue other things. If that happens, then your marriage really is over.

I am very confused about your goal, Ani.

I just sat here and posted the letter for all MB's to critique. Of course, it wouldn't send. It said this page is no longer valid. Anyway, it's late and I'm not going to write it again. I can't seem to paste it. I am mentioning in my letter that I am open to discussing our future together when OW is completely out of the picture. It is difficult to write though. He has been dropping off and picking up the kids outside like I asked. If I happen to be outside when this happens one day do I look at him and wave, or turn around and go inside until he leaves. I'm just making sure I do the best Plan B possible. He also thinks I went out on a date, (something the kids said to him that he misinterpeted) he made a comment about it didn't take me long to find someone else, and I thought you weren't like that, do I correct that tomorrow when I give him the letter? Or leave it alone.

Another question, Wh said that the relationship with the OW is over. He told me that she said she's done with it all etc. She also told me. Could be just a scam but if she really is tired of being the OW and is moving on what can I expect from my WH. We will be in Plan B so I won't be able to show him I can meet his needs. Is this the right time to Plan B? How can he miss me when he's going to be mourning the loss of the affair? Will it just take more time perhaps?

Give him the letter tomorrow, and don't get into any discussions. He will probably try to bait you into an argument or discussion. If he brings up dating, just tell him that you intend to honor your marriage vows.

Whether you are around or not, he will be mourning the loss of the affair. So Plan B will make no difference in that.

You need to give it some time before you will know what he and the OW are up to. I know it is not pleasant not knowing, but there is no way to know with two liars.

What can I expect after I give him the letter. I really don't feel like it is even going to bother him. When we speak on the phone he just says I'm a good person, he will always love me, and cares about me. Doesn't sound too depressed or anything. Is that a bad sign. Maybe he has already moved on. Does Plam B usually work? How long should it last?