Melodylane-

Changed per your advice. Why do you think the affair might be over? I believe he contacted her last week to try to reignite the affair. He said it was to warn her that I might go to her employer. Obviously, that could have been done over the phone. Last night, when WH was leaving he gave me a big hug and kiss?

Ani, I am just going on what you told you. You told me you thought it was over.

I spoke to OW last week and she said she was through. That he misled her etc. My WH said the same thing. That he only contacted her to warn her that he was moving out. He said that OW was through with everything and in fact wanted to call me and tell me about the meeting. She didn't call. I don't know if it's a plan to decieve me and protect her job from exposure or if she truely is sick of the lies and is just now getting it. It does bother me though that he tried to contact her. I feel like even if we are able to reconcile it's because she got out and not my WH ending it. Then I remind myself that he did get another job, and he did move back home for a while, and has always said since day 1 he didn't want a divorce. So...I say to myself that he's still fogged out and doesn't know what he is doing right now. But he still seems to struggle with ending our marriage.

Question....IF the affair is over, is Plan B the right direction for me? Should I continue to do Plan A while OW is out of the picture. Remember, he moved out again and has his own place now. What plan would bring about the best possible outcome. Obviously I want my marriage to work so my goal is for us to reconcile. Although, I want him back only if he follows the conditions for reconcilliation.

I called to get an appt with Steve. I just want reassurance that I am doing the right thing. WH talked to the boys last night and they asked if he wanted to talk to mom, I guess his reply was not tonight, I'm tired. I was hurt. I feel like I'm the one who is sad over this moving out not him. Is this typical of WS in the beginning or perhaps he is truely happy and moving on.

I'm feeling so lost right now. I spoke to husband regarding replacing our garage door. He was pleasant on the phone but did not try to chat or anything. I sounded upbeat but did not feel that way. I'm not sure if the OW is still envolved or not and that is killing me. I want to call her but remind myself if she is in contact she will probably lie anyway. I feel like he is happy with his decision and that I'm the only one hurting. It's going to be even worse when I give him the Plan B letter this weekend. I'm trying to let it all go. I will be seeing him tonight at my sons basketball game. I plan to be upbeat and nice. I know that Plan B often doesn't work and wonder if we are one of those cases. This has been going on for about a year and 3 months. Is that an extra long amount of time to be still undecided about our marriage? When he finds out I spoke to OW employer he will probably hate me and never speak to me again. I'm sure it will be over then. I'm wondering if I made a mistake in telling them? I'm just venting and looking for someone to say there is still hope. I am so much stronger when I'm hopeful and feel like I'm doing what's best for reconciliation.

Ani, you are on the right track! Where did all this self doubt come from? Give him the letter and go DARK. He needs to see what it will be like without you in his life. I suspect he intends on pursuing his affair with the OW right now and will continue with that until that door closes. [which it will] Your exposure at her workplace will help you in that regard.

One of hte reasons this has gone for so long is because there have never been any consequences. He has always had assurance that you would be there pining away while pursued his affair. Plan B will send a different message.

Give him the Plan B letter and GO DARK, Ani.

Melodylane-

I was hoping to here from you. The self doubt is coming from him acting so OK with everything. He cried a lot when he moved his things out but after he left he seems OK. He did give me a big hug and kiss two nights ago, but I haven't reallt talked to him since. He keeps saying that I am the one talking about selling the house etc. It's the confusing stuff all over again. I am giving him the letter with your suggestions after my sons birthday party Saturday. He's going through such a hard time I just can't have his dad not be there. Please tell me that you think there is still hope or am I just wasting time with a man who doesn't care?

Ani, I don't think this is hopeless, but there are no guarantees. I believe your best chance comes from Plan B. First off, you are going to grow to hate this man if you don't get away from him. He will keep you in such turmoil with his bullcrap that you will suffer nervous maladies. Cutting off all contact with him will give you the ability to stand back and make objective decisions based with a calm, stable mind. The more you are around him, the more emotionally shaky you become and the more unattractive you become.

Another consequence of Plan B is this: you meet 3-4 needs of your H and the OW meets 1-2 top needs. He won't realize this about the OW until you are out of the picture entirely. With you gone, his affair will crumble with this realization and it will pull him off the fence faster. With you IN the picture, though, he can have 2 women meeting his needs and will not readily give that up.

I suspect his affair may be over as you say, but I also think that his plan is to split up so he can get her back. He is likely pursuing her right now.

Have you exposed to her parents? Can you refresh my memory about her marital status?

I think he is probably pursuing her right now. That's what makes this difficult. If I Plan B won't he be thrilled that I'm out of the way. How do I show him care etc when I'm not in the picture. She is married, I guess the marriage is not that great because her husband works out of state and supposedly comes home on the weekends. I have spoken to him before as we have all socialized together. He honestly does not seem to concerned. There are no children involved except on my side. She has nothing to lose by staying involved. She did tell me a couple of days ago as she was crying that he misled her. I just don't get these affairs. If he is unhappy at home just leave and tell me it's over. He can't or won't ever do that. So let me see if I have this correct...WH moves back home then after three months starts missing OW and moves back out to pursue her. Meantime he would not tell me we were over and when I asked him to tell me it's over he would not respond..then he said you just want me to say that so you can go out and meet someone and not feel guilty. He doesn't tell anyone in his family whats going on.

Ani, you already ARE out of the way. You are not in the picture now, he has moved out. You already WERE in the picture and have shown him your best side. He already knows you care. Now it is time to show him what it will take to buy entrance back into your park.

He moved out of his own family, how come his parents and siblings don't know? Tell him to expose and thus end the affair for good.

huh? This "advice" doesn't even make sense in light of the facts. In order to be a self appointed "bestadvisor" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> you have to read the thread to make sure the "advice" FITS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I gave my WH the Plan B letter last night. He didn't even seem like he understood what I was trying to say. All he focused on was having to go through my dad for communications. He said I'm the one who goes out, works out with people etc. I said it is too emotional for me to see him. I think he thinks I'm just giving this letter so I can go out and date and not feel guilty. He then stated I thought we were getting along? I said we were but you moved out. Any opinions?

Ani,

My WH didn't get the PBL either. He said that it was a "threat." They do *anything* to keep both you and the OP. I didn't see that clearly when I was where you are, but I sure see it now.

My WH said and did all of the things that your WH is saying and doing. Contact with OW would always rear its ugly head again. I broke Plan B a couple of times just on his word that he would write a NC letter or call her and tell her to take a hike. Never happened. Set your bar high!! Make him work to get back in...

Listen to what ML and the others are telling you. I made all of the mistakes - kept taking him back with no boundary, didn't stay dark, etc. etc.

I am now dark, but it may be too late because I didn't do it right the first time.

Good job! Now, what is your plan for when he tries to contact you to test your resolve to stay dark?

My ex ignored the Plan B letter too. In fact, later when he was talking about getting back together and I asked him to refer to the Plan B letter, he asked "What letter?"

Now you will have to go to a dark Plan B and show him that you mean it. Protect your love for him by NOT having contact. Realize that everytime you do have contact you are hurting your chances of recovery. Expect him to continue attempting to see and talk to you - that is what usually happens.

I have no plan can you help. He just picked up the kids for the evening. My youngest is sick and I'm sure he will try to contact me about it. I wrote a note with the time I gave the last dose of medication. I also gave him some medication so he didn't have to call needing info on what kind to buy. He did however come inside to grabb there things. I said hello, he grabbed the things and left. Next time I will put the items out in the garage so he doesn't have to come in. I'll also have the boys wait out there. Did he even read the letter????? He just ignored it and came in.

Ani, you have to make sure you are completely dark. If the youngest is sick maybe he should stay home and have the other kids tell him. Nor should your H come in the house. You have to ensure no contact, Ani!

If he tries to come in, stop him at the door and tell him you would appreciate it if he would respect your wishes as specified in your letter and not come in or contact you in any way. Then shut the door.