Ani, Plan B is designed to remove you from the trauma until he gets his crap together. It is for you, not him. You won't know if it bothers him and shouldn't even worry about it. Plan B should last for 2 years [or until you decide to give up] and if he doesn't come back by then he probably never will.

I've been in Plan A for a little over a year. Plan B can be two years?? Do I continue to honor my vows for that two years? Is two years typicaL for Plan B or can it be months? I guess I just want to know that when I give him this letter tonight that I am doing what is best to reconcile.

Ani, Plan B cannot effect reconciliation. Its purpose is to protect you from the situation. You can be in Plan B as long or as short as you want. Dr. Harley just recommends not holding out longer than 2 years. If reconciliation has not happened by then, it probably is not going to happen and you should go ahead and divorce.

But if reconciliation does not happen after 6 months and you don't CHOOSE to wait any longer, then you are fully within your rights to get a divorce sooner.

Ani, I wonder if you completely understand Plan B? I thought you did because you mentioned you had been in Plan B before. Have you read Surviving an Affair? Here is an article about Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Is there a good thread on Plan B that I can look over to get a better understanding. I know it is to protect me from my WH right now but I thought it was suppose to let him see what life w/out me would be like. To let his affair if it is still going on die out when he figures out that she can't meet all of his needs. Do we have a better chance of reconciliation because he came home once all ready and seems to be struggling with what to do/ A feww months ago he even talked about us moving out of state.

Plan B before consisted of me giving him the letter. About two days later he called because our son was sick and that was about it. I guess I really don't understand. Thanks for the info I will read it right away. I did read SAA about Plan B. Talks a lot about the scenarios in the book but not really how to implement it.

One never can predict what will happen with Plan B, except that it WILL protect your love for him. When I gave my ex my Plan B letter, he immediately started hounding me and wanting contact. Before the letter, he only dropped by once in awhile. In fact the day after he got the Plan B letter, he parked himself on our porch, and knocked on the door, begging me to let him in to discuss things. He stayed there for 2 hours.

Then I didn't hear ANYTHING from him for 4 months. A couple of days before Christmas, he called me at work and announced he was in the process of moving back in. But he still had the OW. So I kept him out.

I've seen WS's here drop the OP immediately after getting the Plan B letter, and others who went on with the affair for several more months. So it is very hard to predict.

Thanks for the reply. I haven't given him the letter yet because my sons birthday is coming up and we have a party planned. My wh wants to be there. I suggested separate parties but he didn't respond. I don't think I can enforce no communication with me with this coming up. When I give him the letter I want to be completely ready with nothing out there that is going to get in the way. What do you think? Should I just give it, or wait until this weekend is over? I am asumming if I give it then allow him to come to the party it will be defeating the purpose of Plan B. I have a really hard time with telling him he can't come to his sons party. He is a really good father and I feel like I would be taking our situation out on the kids. Is it normal to feel this way.

Today is wh birthday, do I wish him a happy birthday or let it go. What about a card.

"My wh wants to be there. I suggested separate parties but he didn't respond."

Ummm...its time for you to stop worrying about what HE wants! Come on Ani. What about what YOU want?

A really good father doesn't destroy his children's family.
You need to rethink your definition. Maybe he USED to be a good father. Not anymore.

And if you are in Plan B -- he is NOT invited to the party.
The reality is that if he wants out of the family -- he is OUT! Same for Birthdays.

After the birthday, there is Halloween, Thanksgiving, Veteran's Day, Christmas, and New Years. There will ALWAYS be an excuse for contact.

Here is my letter. Any suggestions?

Dear ***,

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of our friendship and marriage.

The fourteen years we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears, and laughs.

I am committed to our marriage and believe that it can be better and stronger than before. I realize that I have not been the perfect wife to you. I know now that you needed more affection from me. I’m sorry. I tried so hard to be the perfect mother, I forgot to be the perfect wife. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be “in love”, but we can’t do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then I will avoid communicating with you. If you need to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through my father.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing you are with her.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. At this time I have to move on with or without you.

I cannot be with you or help you as long as you’re seeing OW.

Your wife,

********

"At this time I have to move on with or without you"

I think I would leave this out. Let's see what other folks think.

You keep mention about the OW and to end it with her. What if he ended with her already, would you take him back immediately?

You need to emphasize on how he need to change to ensure that there won't be another OW again and that he need to earn your trust again. I think "At this time I have to move on with or without you" is needed to make sure he understand that you're not sitting around waiting for him to change.

Any other suggestions?

I almost get a feeling of the last line being threatening.

Sort of like <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />"or else"

If I could be so bold, I's sorry if this is harsh,


Did you ever consider that you forgave him too easily? This easy forgiveness, without the hard work to earn it, is, IMHO, a perfect excuse for your WH to totally skate on the horrible hurt he has inflicted on you and your M.

As a Bs we often try desparetly to EXCUSE RATHER THAN THE TRULY HARD WORK OF FORGIVENESS. I trust you don't fall into this trap. There is much more hard work to be done here. I know you're up for it, but don't be confused by your raging emotions.

All blessings,
Jerry

You are not being harsh. Thank you for your comment. I did forgive him too easily. I believed what he told me. He was a loving husband for 14 years, it's difficult not to believe them. I know now not to listen to what they say, but at the time I really didn't. Everyone says I need to start thinking about what I want, move forward etc. I guess that would be easier if in my heart I was ready to move on. I'm not. My husband was my best friend. I miss him. What I want is my old husband back, not the fogged out one.

Changed the letter some based on your responses. What do you guys think.



Dear ***,

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of our friendship and marriage.

The fourteen years we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears, and laughs.

I am committed to our marriage and believe that it can be better and stronger than before. I realize that I have not been the perfect wife to you. I know now that you needed more affection from me. I’m sorry. I tried so hard to be the perfect mother, I forgot to be the perfect wife. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be “in love”, but we can’t do that until you end your relationship with the other woman once and for all.

Until then I will avoid communicating with you. If you need to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through my father.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with the other woman, and I simply cannot be with you any longer wondering if you are with her or not.

As soon as you are willing to ensure me that there will no longer be other women in this marriage, and you earn your trust back with me, I will be willing to discuss our future together. At this time I have to move on with or without you.



Your wife,

*****

Ani, I would change this slightly and ask him to commit to a plan of recovery. I suspect his affair is over, so it will take his SINCERE committment to a plan of recovery to make this work. He will have to work a long time, YEARS, to earn trust back, and that will be the first step.