Ani, how did your surgery go?

Great! Thanks for asking. Still a little sore though. Melodylane...I'm losing hope fast.

I read a lot about how Plan B really bothers the WS. That they try to find reasons to talk with you. I don't feel like my WH is doing that at all. He drops the kids off and picks them up w/out any communication. Almost like he's happy not to have to talk to me.

Don't lose hope. One can never tell how Plan B is going. My ex pounded on the door for hours and begged me to talk to him right after he got the Plan B letter. He wrote letters and tried to call me. That lasted about a week. Then I heard NOTHING for over 4 months. Just before Christmas, he called me and announced he was in the process of moving back home. I kept him out because he was STILL with the OW.

Just here to vent a little I guess. I have been really down the past few days, I'm not sure if it is surgery recovery or something else. Anyway, I feel so down about my situation. I just wish my WH would snap out of this and come home. This has been going on over a year, much longer it seems than everyone else here at MB's.

Is this the end??? I just spoke to WH this morning...yes I'm in Plan B, but I needed a check he has so I could deposit it. Anyway, I got into a conversation about "Us" I asked WH point blank if he wanted a divorce, he replied with you're confusing me. You gave me a letter I guess I thought we were seperated. You're the one who said you're moving on. Then I asked him again do you want a divorce? He said "I guess so." I said I don't think you should talk about getting a divorce with an "I guess." That I thought you should "know" that it is a big step. He said just get some times for appts with a mediator, and we'll go from there. Is this it? I explained that I gave the letter because there can't be three in out marriage. That his feelings for me won't return until she's out of the picture completely. I said I didn't want a divorce, that I loved him, and knew we could repair the damage done and be in love again. We pretty much hung up after that. Now what? Do I get appt with a mediator? Do I wait and see what happens? Do I do nothing but go very very dark?

You broke the purpose of Plan B when you talked to him, which is to protect yourself from his wayward thinking.
You gave him a list of conditions that must be met before reconciliation is possible right? Has he met them? No. So you know that reconciliation is not possible according to YOUR terms.

I don't think what you said to him was bad, you reaffirmed your requirements and told him that you believe reconciliation is possible. Now you continue with Plan B. Divorce proceedings are up to you, I wouldn't base your decision on what he said, he's obviously still wayward. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. If you still want and hope to repair the marriage, then continue plan B and understand that the purpose of going dark is to protect the love you have remaining. Your conversation with him illustrates how talking to him now hurts you and depletes the love you have left for him. Until he meets your terms, that is going to be the case.

How long you allow it to continue is up to you and based on his actions toward you. You poked your head out and saw that he is not ready. Continue with the plan, take care of yourself.

Thank you for your advice. I don't know if I should continue to make an appt for a mediator and attorney. I just spoke to WH about appt times like he asked and the mediator had availability tomorrow and Wed. He said I thought you were going to wait a month or so? I replied I didn't know that they would have appts so quick. And when I asked if you wanted a divorce you said I guess so??? I figured it didn't matter how soon or far off the appt was. Anyway, he said that's fine. I reinforced that I did not want a divorce and that I thought there was still hope for us. So, do I make the appt? Do I tell him if he wants to see a mediator he needs to schedule it? Or do nothing, go dark and not bring it up again? I'm a little sad because the whole time he was with OW he stated he did not want a divorce, now he says I guess so, it seems as though he has made a decision that our marriage won't work. I always had hope before because he would always say no to divorce and would say little things that made me think he's not ready to give up our marriage. Now I don't know???

Ani,

If you don't want a divorce, don't schedule it.... If he wants it make him do all of the work. This way he knows that he is the only one that wants to go down that road. If he is still Wayward like it sounds, he won't tell the whole truth. I would go back to PLAN B, if you have nothing left to give and protect yourself.

Ryan.

Ryan-

What is the whole truth???? I don't think I've ever known. In case you didn't read everything wh moved out for a year returned for about 3 1/2 months then moved out again saying he's not sure if he did the right thing. Is this typical? It seems like we've been doing this a lot longer than most people here. When is enough enough? Leaving a second time just tells me that maybe it is time to move on. Maybe the OW is right for him or it wouldn't be going on so long? This is such a struggle and I'm losing hope for my marriage. I still love my husband but other than going dark I have no idea what to do. It's easy to say take care of yourself, your kids etc. I do that. It doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't take the pain away. What do you think about him saying I guess so in response to my divorce question? Does it seem like a vague response to you? Or am I just hoping it sounds that way to protect myself. He didn't sound matter of fact about it. He didn't say yes divorce looks like the only option we have. He said i guess so. Is this fog talk? Is he still in a fog even though he moved home and then moved out again?

Doesn't sound like YOU are ready for D. Are you? If not, don't schedule a thing, not one. Stay dark. Do not speak to him again. What purpose does that prove, to talk to him? You are not going to get a straight answer.

IMO, when in doubt, DO nothing--think on the question, wait for your answer. Unless you are in financial straights, and MUST file for D to accomplish some stability, don't do it.

Do not LISTEN to your WH; WATCH him. His actions will speak volumes (even his lack, thereof). If he wants a D, then let him file, don't do it FOR him.


My FWH moved out during his first A, then came home for ~9 months, then left again, started a NEW A, I went into Plan B, then we had ANOTHER false recovery (because I did not enforce Recovery requirements), then he left again, then after a couple of months, he started DOING the things for me to accept him back.

My advice, don't TALK to him again. YOU are confusing him by talking to him, even though you sent him a letter stating you would not be talking to him. Did you express conditions for his return in your Plan B letter? If so, wait for those, otherwise, go dark and work on healing yourself.

BTW, I was EXACTLY where you were, emotionally, UNTIL I really went dark and executed a good Plan B. Then, I started to heal and ENJOY myself, my world. You will feel better, but not until you detach.

Call upon other Plan B'ers, like LilSis, sdguy, Bugsmom, just to name a few. They KNOW what it is like to be where you are right now. Call on them, ask for advice, ask them how to get through, how to FIX yourself.

Ani,

I am sorry, if I sounded like I was being negative. I am sorry you have been in this situation for so long. I guess, what I was saying is that you need to do what "You" want. If you don't want a divorce, then don't do it. I might have made a bad assumption that your husband, even though he moved home, is not done with OW, or is still going through withdrawls about the affair dying. If this is the wrong assumption I am sorry. I would suggest calling one of the Harley's, for some personal advice. I noticed that the Harley's gave me some great advice that wasn't a hard and fast PLAN A/B like is sometimes recommended her.

Ani, again I am sorry, I have been going through this with my WW for a couple of months and it is so very hard. Keep your head up, get some personal advice, and do what "You" want to do, no one regrets doing the right thing.

Ryan.

SL- I just left a voice message for WH. Said if you want to contact a mediator go ahead and have then serve me...I'm not doing it because I don't want a divorce. Was that OK? Now I feel like he can sit back and enjoy his time (pehaps with OW, or trying to get her back) Supposedley he said she was done with it all. Got a video of the meeting after WH returned home and meeting didn't look like it went well. Very rense no hugging, closeness nothing. This is the meeting where he told me she was done. Don't know if it is true but did speak to OW once. She was crying on the phone. Did not know that my H was saying he was coming back home, loved me, couldn't imagine living w/out me, if he didn't

Ryan you didn't sound negative. Thanks for your comments. I am just trying to do the right thing but find it difficult to not have contact w/ WH.

Silent_ I don't want a divorce. I want my marriage to work. I'm so confused because it seems like the BS the send the WS packing seem to win them back. My WH knows I don't want a divorce, therefore I think he thinks he can sit around take his time and decide after his affair dies that he might want our marriage to work. He never has to lose me so he doesn't know what it's like to lose me. If that makes sense.

Ani,
I will have to do some more reading on your thread to know the FULL story, and that will take time. Until then, I will advise as I was advised during my Plan B.

Stop talking to him. Do not leave messages on his voicemail; this is still contact--you are meeting some EN's with this, and part of the purpose of Plan B is to completely withdraw from that R, meeting NONE of his EN's and being UNSEEN. Out of sight is NOT out of mind, as you well know.

Plan B, when done right, will give YOU time to go thru withdrawal from your WH. It will give you time to SEE who you are currently dealing with. For all intent and purposes, your husband is locked away somewhere, and this dude has taken his place, an IMPOSTER. Deal with him as such.

Can you get an intermediary for all contact? If not, limit contact to NECESSARY communications, regarding children and legal stuff. Do not communicate about FEELINGS, emotions, missing him, does he miss you, yada yada yada.

LOOK for the answers to your questions. HE will show you, over time, but this takes time.

From now on, no more VM's, TM's, calls, emails, anything, okay? You will suffer withdrawal and want to find any excuse to contact him. Come here INSTEAD. Always post here BEFORE doing anything, if at all possible.

You don't want this con man back in your life, for he will destroy it, if you let him. Wait for the real thing, quietly. Work toward finding your peace.

I'll do some reading and get back to you.

Silent-

How do I call for help from other MBer's like you suggested? Wouldn't I have to start a new thread?

When you implement a GOOD, DARK Plan B, he will SEE what it's like to lose you, and he will not be so sure anymore. You will also see what it's like to regain your power.

I'll send a shout out for you, 'kay?

It may still be possible to change the subject line in the first post on this thread. That should be where you express where you are right now. For instance...

"Calling All vets and Plan Ber's--NEED HELP with Plan B!!!"

I'll see what I can do. Do you think there is hope. He did want to move back home a few months ago. His friend told me he was excited to be coming home and working on our marriage. After he moved home different story. I think he was probably going through true withdrawal from OW as new job really meant NC. I think he caved during that time which made him think that being home was a mistake. What do you think? Also, he used to say he didn't know what he wanted one day he wanted to come home, one day he didn't. Now he's saying I guess so to a divorce when before he always said he didn't want one. Is it still fog talk or could he finally know what he wants the OW?