Ani, see, if you had stayed dark in Plan B instead of engaging him, it would have given him motivation to abide with your plan B. Now he has what he wants without having to do that. I am not trying to beat you up, but you continually forfeit your leverage in order to talk to him, which only UNDERMINES your position. He NEEDS that occasional contact in order to stay out there and do waht he is doing.

I just don't know what to do if you keep doing that. I don't see how he can take you seriously now when you say you are going to not speak to him.

WHO are you and why are you posting to Ani? What is your background and experience with Marriage Builders?

Personally, I think OW will be very careful if HR is watching her.

I think your husband is angry at NC with YOU. Did he REALLY need to see the credit card statement?

I think BumAdvisor/SHORTBUS is back for his jollies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If the OW wants to see your H, she can do it easily outside of work without HR ever finding out. HR is not going to hire a PI to see what she's doing outside of work.

Can't he get those credit card statement from your intermediary? Do you even have an intermediary?

WHO are you? Who gives you the right to demand an answer from me?

I will try to find out if contact with OW is going on. If so, how does that change my plan? If not, won't I still be in the same plan regardless? I know I haven't done a good Plan B. I was so pumped up today to go really dark since practices and games won't interfere. Today, my friend and I put up my Christmas lights outside. I was proud of myself for taking the iniative and doing it without help from H. When he dropped off the kids he fixed a sprinkler head that was broken. I was still messing with the lights. Then I didn't see him and he was in the house going through some things of his. I told him it made me uncomfortable that he was in the house going through things. That's when he asked about the credit card statement. I never set out to have conversations with him. I really do want to do a good Plan B. I just don't know how to do it with kids. It's funny too because the whole time he was having an affair he never even cared how much money we were spending. Now he wants to be involved why? Do you think he wants a good financial picture so he can figure out what a divorce might cost him? Or could he be coming out of the fog enough to realize how much two places are costing us.

ML-

What does your gut tell you might be going on here???

Ani, this is BestAdvisor/ShortBus, a BANNED board troll who comes here and trolls newbies. Please just ignore him.

I know!!!!!!!!!!

ML- Have I blown it? Is it possible to undo the damage? Can I have H pick up kids somewhere else so he can't just come inside the house, and I don't have to see him. Based on our conversation and hin wanting a divorce wouldn't it be natural to end all discussions with each other?

This has to STOP. Your intermediary has to inform him he is not welcome in the house and CHANGE THE LOCKS. You cannot allow this to happen, Ani.


When he does this, simply say: "have you ended your affair and are you committed to workig on the marriage now? Because unless you can say yes then we have nothing to talk about. Please leave." THEN WALK AWAY.


What do you mean? Everyone does it with kids. You stick to a regimented schedule of visitation and any changes are faciliatated by your intermediary or the children. He drops them off and picks them up in the driveway. He is not allowed in the house.


So he can BREAK PLAN B! That is a typical WS tactic. They will look for any excuse to get you to break your pledge to go dark in order to MAKE SURE YOU ARE STILL UNDER HIS CONTROL.


I think he is either in the affair or is pursuing it. And I think he wants to make sure you are still on the PLANTATION while he pursues his affair. Your easy contact facilitates his agenda.

do you have an intermediary? Do you have a visitation schedule for the kids? How old are your kids?

We have a visitation schedule. Ages are 8 and 11. I honestly think he would rather not talk to me. I think he's happy that way. I think he likes Plan B. Then he can go along with his business (whatever that is) and not have me in his way. Then he doesn't have to answer to me.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF HE LIKES PLAN B SINCE YOU HAVE NOT BEEN IN IT?? He doesn't need to talk to you all the time, because he knows you WILL talk to him whenever he wants to talk. HE IS IN COMPLETE CONTROL.

What do you mean by he wants to make sure I'm still on the plantation while he pursues his affair? Fence sitting? Cake eating? If that's what you mean why would he say he wants a divorce? Wouldn't he be fine with keeping me on the side so to speak? Why divorce? Or do you think he was just mad and said he wanted a divorce. Do WS do that often? H was also not to happy with me not consulting him about getting my surgery also. I can tell he doesn't like it when I get more assertive. He seems to get angry then runs his mouth.

I know I haven't had a good Plan B. You're right ML.

Ani, do you have an intermediary? Let's start fresh here and do this right so you can the most out of Plan B, ok?

OK deal. Thanks for not giving up on me. My intermediary is my father. Remember, I lost my mom in September so I wasn't sure if I should burden my father with this. He's older and can sometimes get things wrong. So, I thought about my sister. She's not always easy to get a hold of but would do a good job otherwise. I can ask her to ask H to pick the kids up outside. To call the house when he is about 5 min away so I can send them out. I will look into the locks being changed. Anything else?

What about the plantation statement? What did you mean by that?

ok, will she be your intermediary? Will she remain NEUTRAL and support your goals in Plan B?

If she will, we need her to contact him and email him your plan B letter AGAIN. [or do you want to rewrite it?] She needs to get the letter to him and tell him this:

"Ani finds contact so painful with you right now that she is asking that you respect her need for no contact. She would like any NECESSARY contact to come through me. Any scheduling changes with visitation should be communicated through me and she asks that you pick up the kids in the drive way instead of coming in.

She does not want to end the marriage, but contact is so painful right now that she would appreciate your cooperation."

Have her give him her email address so he can email her or call her when he has a message for you.

She is to operate as a SPAM FILTER and only pass on HER OWN WORDS of NECESSARY communication. She can't pass on anything else except to tell you that he is ready to comply with your Plan B. In order for him to have contact he must agree to:

a) end all contact forever with OW

b) commit to a plan of recovery for your marriage

ALL of his contacts with her must be answered. If it is something inappropriate for you to hear, she can say: "thank you for your messsage, but I won't be passing this onto Ani in accordance with her letter."

If she does pass something on, she will say: "thank you, Joe, I will pass this onto to Ani and get her response."

What I mean by that is that he knows he can keep you on the side while he does what he wants. He can get you to break nc anytime he wants and you will comply. This tells him that he is STILL IN CONTROL, he is still the MASTER. Plan B is designed to shift the balance of control back to YOU.